MommyC, Mimi is exactly right. Seriously, you have many tools at your disposal that you are not using. To not use them is to enable this affair at your own expense. Yes, it is very scary, but isn't it more scary to lose your H completely? Or worse, live like this for years on end while he enjoys the attention of 2 women? Why would you ever choose that path when they are possible alternatives?

Expose his affair, MommyC. Believe me, that will take the all the fun out of his fantasy when he is forced to explain his affair to rational folks. He will begin to question himself when he hears how ridiculous he sounds.

The boyfriend should be told immediately about the affair. Do you know her parents? Have they been told?

MCB,

I wanted to go into this more last night but was limited on my time.



Yes...those feelings will die when there is complete NC.

You don't deal with it....your H does.

Now onto this whole thing about the "young" OW and your H's "grand feelings" and you measuring up.

The OW in my sitch was much younger than me also. I wondered how I could measure up....for a time. My self esteem was shot all to he11. It also didn't help with the way my then WH was treating me and the things he was saying to me.

Here's a few:
You're fat and lazy.
I can't stand the sight of you.
Even if the OW wasn't around...I wouldn't come back to you.
You're living in a fantasy land.

Oh...I heard them ALL...and more.

I believed them for a while...for a LONG while....and was truly convinced that I would NEVER measure up to this OW if we were to reconsile..or even if we wouldn't..but one day it hit me.

I couldn't measure up feelings that were MADE UP in my H's head. The feelings that he had were his alone. They weren't WAYS that SHE made him feel and they weren't FEELINGS that SHE invoked. The were all in HIS HEAD. She really didn't have anything to do with HIS feelings.

SHE didn't make him feel good or MAKE him love her.

HE CHOSE to feel good around her and HE CHOSE to think that he loved her.

I could NEVER...and would never want to...."measure up" to his "IDEA" of the OW.

Believe me...when it's all said and done....she won't be coming out smelling so rosy. Already looks like there are some bugs on the petals to me.

I decided after a while that I was tired of comparing myself to someone else. I was ME. Took me a while to find out exactly who I was....but..when I did.....the OW didn't stand a chance in he11 in coming close to comparing to ME!

In order to do this....you have to distance yourself from your H. You don't have to cut him off completely. I say that only because I KNOW exactly how hard that is. This goes completely against the rules I know.....but Plan B ISN'T for everyone.

You NEED to find yourself again. YOU NEED to realize that either way.....divorce or reconsiliation.....LIFE GOES ON....especially if you have children.

My children were my biggest inspirition. I wanted them to see their mother as a FIGHTER. Not someone that let the slightest thing knock me down.

I cannot even tell you how hard it was for me to do all this....for me. I was meek and eager to please everyone. Let everyone walk all over me....and to tell the truth....a complete prude. It was scary at first....but with each step I took into finding ME.....it was less and less scary....and more and more adventurous.

Please....for your kids...your health...and your sanity. Start looking for and after yourself.

It's a MUST....for personal Recovery.

Edited to add that I agree that the fiance should be informed.