Ok... per the nazi thread (yes.. you know the one), I have taken some constructive advise from the infamous WAT and created the following. This is a first draft. I plan on getting responses and incorporating them in. This is my project. I am by no means an expert, but I took the initiative. So :P. Give me input. Also, WAT... I plagiarized the hell out of your quick start... credit to you and thanks.




To Wayward Spouses new to Marriage Builders. I hope you are fortunate enough to have found this site early - which means before you have a chance to go even further down the wrong path in dealing with your grave mistake.

I'll offer you what I call PAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Wayward Spouses. Think of it as a “Where do I start?” resource - not the answers, just something to help in the initial part of the situation. This fills a void that I think exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair, when most are caught or confess and feel hopeless.

First, there are basically two types of affairs - Physical and Emotional. Or course, these two types may be combined. Physical is obvious, I suppose, but for the sake of this guide, I will make sure I cover it. A Physical Affair ranges from “innocent” kissing to full blown sexual intercourse. Not subtle. Very ugly. Easy to define. An Emotional Affair is more difficult to characterize. It is an ongoing relationship with the opposite sex (or possibly the same sex) where your important emotional needs are filled by someone other than your spouse. Phone calls, e-mails, instant messages, meetings for dinner, and the like, would fit into this category. The point is, if you have a relationship with someone that you are hiding from your spouse because you are "ashamed" for them to know....it's an affair. Yes, even if you didn't have sex with them. Sounds harmless to some, but this subtle affair can actually be worse than the physical kind. Call it what it is. Don’t invalidate the betrayal of it.

This Guide comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other Wayward Spouses I have read about for some months. I believe this to be consistent with Marriage Builders principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone. In addition, I make the assumption that you are a remorseful Wayward Spouse, meaning that you identify that what you have done was wrong and would like to attempt to repair the damage. If you are not at this point yet, you will need to get there before this can help you.

OK, here it is:

PAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Wayward Spouses

Rule 1: Stop the affair. That you came to a site such as this, looking for help/support is a great step. It is by far not the only step. However, if you are still conducting the affair, it must stop. You will be unable to repair any damage or gain any forgiveness as long as the affair is ongoing. The affair will continue to cloud your already suspect judgment (you know…the bad judgment that got you involved in it in the first place) and you will be what is called a “Fence Riding Cake Eater.”

Also, Betrayed Spouses are encouraged to expose continuing affairs in order to facilitate their ending. When done sincerely, this is not an act of revenge, but rather one of hope for reconciliation. Own up to your mistake and NEVER blame your spouse for “telling on you” when you are the one who was wrong.

Rule 2: Write a No-Contact Letter to the Other Person stating you are immediately ending the affair, that you will attempt to rebuild your marriage, and you request no further contact. Share it with your spouse and then ask your spouse to mail it to the Other Person. Do NOT fall victim to "in person" closure or tempting "final goodbyes". End it cold turkey. Once the affair is stopped, all contact must be ceased. This rule will vary somewhat for situations where children are born of the affair, but for the “general” case, ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON MUST END. All of it. You need to understand that you are an addict. If you are torn between staying with your spouse and staying with the Other Person, this is addictive behavior. Your spouse is the one who loves you. The Other Person was using you, and you were using them. Continuing ANY contact is extremely dangerous to your marriage even if you are the most sincerely remorseful Wayward Spouse that ever existed.

NOTE: Here is Marriage Builder advice on how to end the affair. This is part 2 of a 4 part series called “Coping with Infidelity”. Whereas all parts are important, and you should read them, part 2 applies to Rule 1 and 2, specifically. Here is a place to start when an Other Child is part of the situation (a child either on the way or already born due to the affair).

Rule 3: Read the concepts on the Marriage Builders site. You will need them as a foundation in order to move forward. Study them. Get to know them. Honesty, openness and kindness are all tenets of the principles here. Principles ranging from “What is Radical Honesty and why is it important?” to “Emotional Needs” are discussed in the articles here. The wise man doesn’t write a thesis on the Stock Market without gathering knowledge on the subject, so apply that idea here and study.

Rule 4: Find an outlet for your feelings and thoughts. You are hurting. You will go through a period of depression. You need a place to get it out. You need a place to get answers. Be mindful of guilt. Sure, you should feel guilty for this debacle, but too much focus on guilt can be stifling. If you are sitting in the corner of a dark room rocking back and forth on the floor, mumbling to yourself, due to guilt...this is not productive.

This site has helped countless people in your position, so use it. However, be aware that both Wayward and Betrayed spouses post here and they are all in differing points in their recovery (or lack thereof) from this horrible time. That said, take all posts in and think about them. You may feel as though you are getting attacked. You truly aren’t. You are getting the truth. If someone posts after you, berating you and your behavior, well face it….Infidelity is a nasty, emotionally charged issue and if you were in their shoes, you might well react in the same manner. It is your responsibility alone to make what you get from here constructive.

Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your spouse’s life. They will be a prime candidate for depression, so discuss seeing a doctor if they are having difficulty coping. They may need anti-depressants. Point them to this site and invite them to read and participate. They will need support. They are also a prime candidate for their own affair. PRAY THEY DON’T DO IT!

Rule 6: Get tested for STD’s. If you had sex during this affair, it doesn’t matter if you wore a nuclear fallout suit. Your spouse HAS THE RIGHT to know if they are infected with or have been exposed to any STD’s. So, be a grown-up and go get tested. Now! Then fully discuss the results with your spouse. Again, they have the right to know what STD's they may or may not have as a result OF YOU.

Rule 7: Your credibility will be shot for a long time. Sorry, but it is the truth. Your lying and hiding and covert actions all add up to you being a low-down dirty cheat. The good news is that you can recover from this. The bad news is that it will be a long road. By stopping the affair, sending the no-contact letter and being an open book to your spouse, you will begin walking this road. You do have the ability to change “I am a cheater” to “I was a cheater and will never be again”.

One of the key requirements of regaining your credibility is to divulge the entire affair to your spouse. Every detail. All of it. Secrets between spouses create and maintain walls. If you divulge all the secrets, you have done something to tear down the walls that now separate you and your spouse. This is a big one. Remember it. It will be a horrible journey for you. It will be worse for them.

Rule 8: Your spouse, whom you betrayed, is possibly going to act like a psycho. One minute they may be talking to you in a regular tone and the next, their head may split open, the devil may come out and they may begin frothing about how much they hate the very sight of you. This is normal. They are psycho. Why? Because you destroyed them!

You have hurt them in such a horrid way, it's indescribable. Imagine someone degrading you like a slave, killing you like the Nazis did the Jews, spitting on your dead corpse like the Italians did to Mussolini and any other horrid “atrocity” you can think of and then lump it all together. Now, imagine that the person that did all these horrid things to you had been professing they “loved” you. Yeah…they are going to be psycho. You put them there. Be part of the solution and help get them out. Their staying with you is not a requirement of this.

Rule 9: You are not the victim. If you were raped, then you were a victim. If you willingly went into a hotel/motel/closet/office/backseat/<your place here> and engaged in sex, then you are not a victim. If you chatted for hours getting endless needs meet from a “friend” online, you are not the victim. Your spouse, whom you betrayed, is the victim, period. You victimized them. You may be dealing with a bad time right now as a result of this affair, but you had the choice to do or not to do it. That is the key. Your spouse did NOT get to choose. You chose for them and hurt them by doing it. Victim. Also related to this area is justification. Well…you had none. If you didn’t like the marriage, then you should have done something about it, not someone. Rational grown-ups would have chosen counseling or possibly coming to this site PRIOR to engaging in an affair. There is no justification for betrayal, so save yourself the grief and figure out as soon as you can that you had no justification for this huge mistake.

Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of Wayward Spouses are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair. Additionally, do not try to “snow” someone here. Most have been here long enough to know crap or “fog thinking” when they see it. And if you are displaying “fog thinking”, expect to get called out for it.

Pat .... thanks for doing this. You remind me of one of my favorite FWH's who does not post much anymore... we called him 2Oak ... short for 2ofakind ... he was an awesome writer, a no-nonsense fellow, and I miss him a lot. Glad to read you and Froz are getting somewhere in your recovery.

Pep

Hi, Patriot.

Good job.

A couple of quick suggestions from a quick read through. Replace any acronyms with the full verbiage. In rule 2, explain what a no-contact letter is.

In Rule 5 "They are also a prime candidate for your own affair." replace 'your' with 'their'.

You might want to add something about the depression most wayward spouses suffer from.

All the best,
Gimble

Sheese, PAT, what took you so long? About an hour and 45 minutes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I only had time for a quick read and ID'd only some minor suggestions. I'll offer those later after I can give it the time it deserves.

I suggest that after evaluating all the suggestions and making changes you see fit, that you turn it into a "fresh" thread so newbies don't have to wade through all this early discussion.

Good job.

WAT

thanks everyone. Gimble, I made a few changes... but I will figure where to put the depression thing in later. WAT, if I had my wife's typing speed, I could have shaved another 30 minutes off that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Pep, I appreciate your compliment.

Good job, my friend! Finally, a very productive thread addressed to new folks. BRAVO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good job, Patriot! Can you provide a link to the preg/child board for OC situations?

Great PAT...

I would also also like to contribute something. WS's come here wanting answers but in their communications they tend to send out triggers. I would ask that though we are all free to post whatever we want, common courtesy towards the BS's feelings should be kept in mind. (I'm not talking about JM's post on how to talk to one another so please don't think that.)

I have seen WS's come to the board with the attitude of MEMEMEMEME, and though they feel that way, and it's honest feelings, it can hurt others. Usually with that attitude they just upset people. So if you come here, please have respect for the BS's and FBS's here, their pain is real and in many cases ongoing.

So while it's cool to post your feelings, do so with respect for others. Yes, we have freedom of speech, but that doesn't mean we throw responsiblity and consideration for others out the door.

Chack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

see if there is anything you can use here

I copied most of these off a recovery post many years ago (sorry I can't remember which one) and have added a few myself. Use whatever you want....

This is the answer that was given on a counseling board to someone who
betrayed their spouse.

Answer every question your spouse asks, with patience and love - even if he/she
asks it over and over and over again (and that WILL happen).
Never be defensive in your answers.
Truth - always.
Don't ever try to protect yourself fromyour spouse's rage (as long as it's not
physical or abusive).
Accept the anger as evidence of the depth of the hurt.
Your spouse needs to know that you hear their pain - let your spouse see that you hear it.
Don't expect your spouse to heal on YOUR timetable - respect that he/she has to do it
on their own - and this may take a very long time, and sometimes it might even
feel like it's going backwards (it'll turn around again eventually).
Reassure him/her of your love - repeatedly.
Give up all your privacy to your H/W as long as it take to re-establish trust
(including all passwords, computer logs, cell phone info etc.).
If any part of your affair occurred at your house, offer to sell it and move.
If any part of your affair occurred with a co-worker, quit your job and find a new one.
If you have ANY contact whatsoever with the Other Person, end it now,
completely and irrevocably.
Offer to set up counseling for the two of you and for yourself,
individually ( and follow through with it!).
Don't ever blame your spouse for the choice YOU made, even if you feel he/she
contributed to problems in your marriage - you chose to have the affair; you
could have chosen a different, constructive way to deal with any
difficulties in the marriage, without betrayal.
Read Surviving the Affair by Harley & After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring.
Check in with your spouse often, so that he/she never wonders where you are or when you
will be coming home.
Give your H/W every reason to trust you and no reason to think they can't.
Just because your spouse might not talk about it, doesn't mean he/she isn't thinking
about it - don't make the mistake of thinking that your H/W has put it behind him/her
until you are told that it has been (and they may have to try to put it behind them
more than once).
Don't try to sweep it under the rug.
Show that you will wait patiently to be forgiven as long as it takes to do it.
Understand that while he/she might forgive you, your spouse will never, ever completely
forget what happened and that a part of him/her being has been irrevocably
changed.
Your spouse will experience triggers that will take him/her back to the initial despair
- please be patient and understanding while they works through these - the
triggers will lessen over time, although they may never disappear entirely.
Your spouse needs to know that you deeply and truly regret your actions - not just
because they were wrong (by betraying your marriage vows), but because you
realize how selfish you were in choosing a course of action with no
consideration for how deeply he/she would be hurt.
Finally, you need to show that - no matter what - you will never, ever
do it again - that your H/W is now safe in your love.

Patriot,

This is the best thing I've seen on this forum in a long time!
I'm sitting here, scratching my head, thinking...."Now why didn't I think of that?"

So simple, so helpful, so beautiful!

Thanks!

NOW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

patriot - please consider these suggestions:

"To new wayward spouses. I hope you are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path in dealing with your grave mistake."

WAT: I suggest, "To newly enlightened wayward spouses..." or just, "To wayward spouses..." The WS new to the forum may have been a WS for quite awhile.

Also, would it be helpful to up-front make a statement about how EAs are really affairs too and are just as damaging to marriages as sexual, physical affairs?

"Rule 1: .....Also, as taught per the principles here, the Betrayed Spouse can use exposure to end the affair. Own up to your mistake and NEVER blame your spouse for "telling on you" when you are the one who was wrong."

WAT: I suggest, "...Betrayed Spouses are encouraged to expose continuing affairs in order to motivate their ending. When done sincerely, this is not an act of revenge, but rather one of hope for reconciliation. Own up......"

"Rule 2: Write an No-Contact Letter, show it to your spouse and then deliver it to the Other Person."

WAT: Please consider, "Write a No-Contact Letter to the Other Person stating you have ended the affair, you will attempt to rebuild your marriage, and you request no further contact. Show it to your spouse and then ask your spouse to mail it to the Other Person. Do NOT fall victim to "in person" closure or tempting "final goodbyes". End it cold turkey."

Rule 3: "....You wouldn’t go into a political debate without preparing, so apply that idea here...."

WAT: The "debate" word is bothersome to me. It suggests that there are permanent opposing sides. While we know there will likely be early conflict with the BS, the hope is that there will eventually be no "sides" to debate. How ‘bout, "You wouldn't go on vacation without packing, so apply that idea here..." Hmmmm, on second thought, it's no vacation, either. Just think about this one.

Rule 5: "....They will be a prime candidate for depression, so see discuss seeing a doctor if they are having difficulty coping. They may need anti-depressants. They are also a prime candidate for their own affair. PRAY THEY DON’T DO IT!"

WAT: Fix the wording, "...so see discuss seeing a doctor..." Delete "see"? Also, ".... They are also a prime candidate for their own affair. Direct them to this site and this forum so they may also benefit from the guidance and information here."

Rule 7: "...By stopping the affair, the no-contact letter..."

WAT: "...sending the no contact letter..."

Rule 8: "Your spouse, who you betrayed, is going to act like a psycho. One minute they will be talking to you in a regular tone and then the devil will come out and they will be professing how much they hate the very sight of you. This is normal. They are psycho. Why? Because you destroyed them. You have hurt them in such a horrid way it is indescribable. Imagine someone degrading you like a slave, killing you like the Germans did the Jews, people spitting on your dead corpse like the Italians did to Mussolini and any other horrid “atrocity” you can think of and then lump it all together. Now, imagine that the person that did all these horrid things to you professed they “loved” you. Yeah… they are going to be psycho. You put them there. Be part of the solution and help get them out. Them staying with you is not a requirement of this."

WAT: I’m a bit bothered by the "psycho" characterization. Please consider changing this whole thing to state that the reactions of BSs can vary greatly over time and from person to person. Refer to Rule #5. Perhaps this whole rule should be combined with #5, huh?

Rule 9: "You are not the victim......"

WAT: Maybe this would be a good place to include something about "justifications" for the affair, e.g., "...sure, your spouse wasn’t perfect. None are. But provocation cannot justify derangement. Do not fool yourself by blaming your spouse for your decisions...." You get the idea.

Again, good job.

WAT

Patriot,

I just wanted to say that I am so very impressed with this and with you and Froz. I only communicated with you and Froz on a few occasions, but I followed your story closely.

This will be a wonderful resource for WS and BS's alike. Congratulations.

FIM

Hey,

this is a great idea, kind of like the Katie Coston book, How to gain respect and forgiveness after your Affair, which was aimed at FWS. Actually, that is an excellent resource. The link is:
<a href="ttp://www.surviving-infidelity-kit.com/freearticles.htm" target="_blank">ttp://www.surviving-infidelity-kit.com/freearticles.htm</a>

The main addition I would make is to emphasise that ending the A mean ANY contact. I think this is a hard concept at first, since if no actual sf or lovey dovey talk is going on, many FWS think they have ended the A.

Also, that FWS need to nurture themselves too, because there FBS have their own much larger problems and are certainly in no place to do any nurturing.

Things like volunteering for charity, helping friends and family, keeping your head down and working consistently are good for regaining self-respect.

well done putting this together

Here are the points covered in the Katie Coston book, aimed at FWS:


Why you're the partner who can profoundly
change your marriage at this time.

The #1 cause of unforgiveness after an affair.

Why respect is crucial to marital stability.

Why forgiving yourself will make it easier for your
spouse to forgive you.

How to avoid 2 common emotional attitudes that
will enable failure.

How to recognize emotional priorities that can sabotage
your best efforts to save and heal your marriage.

20+ statements that you should never make to
your spouse after an affair and why.

Why the people who love you the most will give you
the worst advice concerning your marriage.

How to conserve time and energy while working
faithfully to restore your marriage.

How to reduce the likelihood of a retaliatory affair.

How to avoid "warfare" in your marriage.

How to help your spouse get over their anger
in a timely manner.

How to reduce the likelihood of bitterness.

How to stop arguments dead in their path.

How to end any embarrassment you or your spouse
feels over the affair.

What you can do to work on your marriage if your
spouse requests separation.

Great idea, WAT. I too am bothered by the "psycho" term.

chack - I completely understand your idea here, but I wrote this as a FWS trying to help the "new WS" in dealing with their perspective of this and beginning to understand what they have done. I, in no way, want to discredit any of your concerns but this is for them(us, since I am a FWS). Your concerns are valid. Very. However, I can not tell a WS what to feel or what to post. the WS has their journey too and I will have to trust that if a WS oversteps a boundary in a post(by being rude, uncaring or the like towards the BS situation) that the community will do their part and correct it. The WS is entitled to a voice just like the BS. The BS is entitled to inform the WS how hurtful their words were. IT can be part of the growing process for us all... actually. I hope you understand. Is that acceptable to you?

I have incorporated most of what I wanted from WAT and from Gimble, I think. They were the easiest and quickest critiques for me to follow. That was tonight's work -more later.

To Pep, Crzy, Smur and others that posted suggestions... I will also get to your stuff and figure out what I will put in... and then put this up for suggestions, yet again.

A few counter-points I would like to make as to why I still left a few things out: I decided not to "legislate" on how the WS could post here. That was really the biggest issue from the thread that prompted me to start this thread. The WS has a right to a voice. And free speech is just that. Now, as a community, if some WS comes on here and starts tearing into some BS.... or for that matter, if anyone comes in here and tears into anyone... I have to trust that the community will deal with it accordingly. I know that if I were to see a blatant attack on a BS by a WS that was hurtful just for the sake of being hurtful, I would defend the BS if the BS didn't seem to be getting enough support from the community. Most times, however... they do get a ton of support. And if not - thats what the Mods are for. This is just my opinion, based on my times on forums(way too much). I am willing to debate any issue out. I have learned so much that to not have an open mind is something I will not do anymore. I am afraid I will miss something important.

I didn't feel that I wanted to change the word "psycho". I mean no offense. But, I wrote this as a FWS talking to the WS seeking beginner's help. And I wrote it from my heart based on my experiences. Froz was psycho, at times. I use the term 'psycho' like a high school kid would use it against a disliked teacher. It is not a character assassination. It is a mildly graphic term for what I "saw" happen. I wanted to take a term and make it normal. I do not condone calling or labeling your spouse psycho. However, for as much as the WS can be "alien-abducted with brains of stew", the BS can be "psycho".

Ok.. again, keep the suggestions coming. I appreciate then. Debate points with me. And thanks for your time and support. Really, this project is part of my growth as a person. If it helps others, then I am grateful. Because of the fact that it helps me... I am blessed. Good night folks.

Patriot, a great contribution to this board! Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Also please check if there is anything you can use on this thread. It’s a quick start guide about withdrawal for both BS’s and FWS’s, but you can only use the parts which will be relevant for your thread. It also covers the depression part.

Suzet

I really like the way you said this. And that you trust that the community will deal with it accordingly without "legislating" in advance is right on. IMHO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />