Had an OK weekend with WH. So it's been 6 weeks of NC and I hate withdrawal.

I asked H to see his cellphone records. He said, fine no problem, I'll get them to you after the weekend. So today I let him know that they are important to me and changed the subject.

I am thinking about my attitude and perhaps it's not in my best interest to always assume he is moping about the OW. Maybe he's moping because of guilt or shame. I would love the WS perspective on this...

I hate withdrawal... How do people make it through?

WH would not allow me access to his cellphone records so I got them on my own. Turns out I am very sneaky and clever.

From his records I see that the last telephone contact between them was 5/27.

I have never experienced withdrawal because my husband lies about contact. Which is typical, but counseling is worthless with contact.

I don't know how to discuss this with him. I feel frozen with anger.

My plan was to kick him out and freeze out assets if there was further contact. Is this a good idea?

The cell records end at June 15.

OK, so maybe he has experienced some withdrawal if there last contact as May 27.

Just checked his current cell phone records up til today and he hasn't had contact since 5/27.

I am furious that my reality is false. It seems that as long as I don't "know" it didn't happen.

You can't have a marriage if one person controls the reality of the other.

How can I love him for who he is if I am fed a false reality. I will only be hurt if I know? Please. I don't know what cause the wound but I still feel it.

This is not respect.

Unless I figure out how to respond to him, I will just be cordial.

I don't want to throw around the divorce word cause I don't want to make threats I'm not ready to follow through on.

But at the same time I have had it.

Do I avoid him until I figure out what I want to do?

Ok,

I know that he has not had contact since before MEmorial Weekend and that he wanted us to go out of town to avoid her stopping by our house. I bet she has threatened to tell me everything. Why else would you leave for the weekend suddenly?

I also know that since May 27 he had an opportunity to run into her and that he chose to skip the event after he saw her car.

Plus, I now have access to his cell account without his knowledge so it is a pure form of accountability for the future.

There are somedays that I just want to let go. I am frusterated that I have longed for intimacy for so long in my marriage and I do not have it.

A few days ago, when H said that he would not share his cell records for me because it wouldn't be good for me, it really got me thinking about his concept of privacy. He misleads me or allows me to be mislead. Not all of the time, but a lot.

I am frusterated that the WS feels responsibility for the OP and how they "misled" the OP into thinking they had a future. Why not feel responsible for how they misled the BW?

Why work to smooth out understanding in a relationship that you've decided is futile when those very actions take away from building a relationship that you want to last forever?

It has been driving me crazy, living with my H but with no intimacy between us. Even if I could see progress towards intimacy, it would help. But I am starting to find other men attrative. I am finding great pleasure in their attention. To be rejected as long as I have, it is very enjoyable to know that others view me as a catch. I shared this with him not to threaten him, but to let him know about this new thing that I am struggling with.

I have also been thinking that if things don't change I will have to get a divorce, because I do not want my daughters to be taught that it is acceptable to be abandonded in marriage. (I have not shared this with him yet because I am ambivolent onthis issue right now).

I have been asking for honesty as a precursor to intimacy but WH has been so reluctant to open up. Last night he said that he has been scared to talk because he's been afraid of the consequences but now he realizes that he has nothing to loose because how we are living now is not acceptable. We may fail by opening up and being honest, but at least we have a chance.

So, I really don't know what to address tonight or how to behave. I already feel defensive and intimidated.

My concerns are 1. the affair has not been killed but remains an option. I would prefer divorce to more affair. 2. My husband is actively turning away from from God and church, distancing himself from his beliefs and nurturing some kind of self-hate that he has embraced.

My fear is that he is going to tell me how undesirable he finds me and that I deserve someone else.

But I do deserve someone who thinks I am desirable and that will allow me to be their ezer kenegdo. So why am I afraid of a conversation with my husband?

This is what I want, but I am scared. I am afraid that I will either talk too much or be too quiet.