HI JOHN
Yes I spoke to a lawyer yesterday,and he said if you dont own your own home,or anything of real value not to worry about a restraining order,and he said with my daughter being 18,and son 14 that I am getting more from ww now then I would in court child support.She is coming home to visit us. She took off,but shouldnt I allow her to visit us. If she dont visit at least on weekends,then she wont ever come around. She will get use to not coming here at all.Remember she has om,and is enjoying her fling. The kids,and are are the ones who are suffering right now.
I mean we are still communicating,so plan B can wait,but it does not look like I can bust them apart.

Hey Steve,

Ok, good to see you are on track. I was a complete mess a week after my wife and I split up.

I don't know where you live, so I can't give you any advice regarding the actual laws, but I think you should (maybe) call the lawyer back and ask about filing a legal separation.

Over here (Canada) you wouldn't even be able to file a restraining order unless there was a threat and a police report. (You haven't mentioned anything about violence so I'm going to assume there is none)

A legal separation on the other hand would legally guarantee you child support and give you the right to change the locks to the home. That may or may not be important to you.

I'm not sure what you meant here...


Your daughter is 18. Here in Canada, she would be considered an adult, and legally responsible for making her own decisions. I figure that's at least close to true just about anywhere, but I dunno...

Now your son...

Your son is 14, and unless you are Jewish, he is not an adult yet. So technically, you could try to enforce whatever decision you were to make.

However, your son is 14.

I have a 14yr old son too, I have a hard enough time enforcing bedtime. If I were to tell him he couldn't visit mom, all he!! would break loose. I figure that's at least close to true just about anywhere, but I dunno...

Basically, I'm saying don't worry about their kids. Let them make their own decisions and arrangements to visit with mom.

You have your own decisions to make.

Like for example, Plan A or Plan B.

If the visit is to happen at the house (and there's no reason it really needs to, in fact it might be better if it doesn't) will you be there.

When you say 'us' are you talking about yourself too?

You should be making a careful decision about whether or not you really want to visit with her.

One one hand, it might be nice to see her, maybe she will be nice with you, maybe you will have a great time and it'll be a good something for her to remember as she goes back to her fathers.

And that could be a good thing.

On the other hand, you might decide that you want to take advantage of the time and go out and do something for you. Heck, if WW takes the kids out for dinner and a movie, you could blast the stereo and house-clean naked for all I care... (and if you do... I really don't want to know...)

But I do know that since she left, you've been working and parenting full time, under extraordinarily difficult circumstances.

Maybe you could make better use of the 'visit' to get some time 'off'. Go fishing, anything...

My view of it is that she's in a 'state' right now. Call it the fog, call it withdrawal, call it whatever... her thinking is along a definite destructive path.

So far, nothing you have do has worked.

So...

Stop trying. It took a long time for these behaviours to get to this point. You are unlikely going to be able to turn things around over one weekend. Don't try.

Just for now, focus on you.

It's going to do you a WORLD of good.

It will ALSO have and indirect effect on your wife. Among other things, she will begin to suspect (for real) that she can not do whatever she wants without worry about the consequences.

As you show your independance, and capacity to live well without her, she will begin to worry that she is taking a risk and YOU WILL (By seeming so strong in yourself, well dressed, not depressed, not concerned about her daily activities, not calling her, not desperate to visit her... etc...) become MORE ATTRACTIVE TO HER.

And since you're not waiting upon her, (and remember, she's used to this) she will begin to wonder what's wrong, and perhaps... as reality sets in... she might finding herself wanting some of your attention...

As for 'busting them apart', you are already right on track. You have done 'Exposure' and that's the most effective thing.

So until you decide to go to Plan B, keep Plan A-ing, dude.

By the way, IF you were to go get some alone time, what would you do?

John

Gee that was a long post. It's like almost 3 in the morning and I'm totally WIRED after half a day's driving.

I know my ww is in a deep fog right now,and most of the things she is saying are not really her talking,but the om.
I was looking for her to visit here for a chance on regaining some sort of closeness to her. The kids actually dont want her around,and are telling me to find another girl. My son's birthday party is Sunday,and ww probably wont come. She acts like a teen-ager,and she will say the kids didnt call her on Mothers DAy,then why should she call my son on his Birthday.{She's so immature}
My ww is asking for things to bring to work,so she can take them little at a time.The om does not want her to visit us at all.{Funny how she said one of the main reasons she left is cause she wants to think for herself,but the om seems to be doing all that for her}
I do get time for myself,and work on the car,go running,or
have a beer somewhere.
I dont have to seek anymore Legal advice. She would only take whats hers,and would rather pay child support for son directly to me,and not through courts,and it is more anyway.Next week is my birthday,and the last visit was our anniversary,so maybe she will get together,and if not,then PLAN B should be kicked in.I would have to set up some type of financial support from her before I go silent.

My ww does not want to come by our home,cause she feels un-comfortable with my son after leaving us 2 weeks ago.Today is his 15th birthday.
She says she is doing things with her Father all weekend,but he goes to his friends apartment upstairs,and does whatever he can with the senior citizens in the housing complex hall. She runs out all weekend with the om. She wont visit here,cause the om does not want her to.
Do I let her know she isnt coming here,cause she is not just friends with the om like she says,but she is involved in a deep aff with him.If I asked her to come by while the kids are not here,or just pick her up,and talk over a drink,then what would she say? Do I start Plan B now,and stop calling her?

I talked to my ww this morning,and she is coming to our son's birthday party today,and may even stay the night.
I feel some sort of change in her already,but it could be just a special day thing. Keep you all updated.

Good luck with it Steve. Remember your boundaries. Watch out for aliens. You need to figure out if your wife is there or somebody else's girlfriend.

I'll be thinking of you.

Don't say anything to her, Steve, stop calling her and trying to make things easy for her. She is not coming because she feels like a heel, she feels guilty. Don't interfere with her much deserved feelings of guilt.

I very much recommend that you stop calling her. Starting today. And get your plan B letter ready to give her next week.

Thanks Melody for the advice. Everything went down about 3 hours ago.I was stupid,and called my ww early this morning,and she said she would talk to my son about coming to his Birthday party today.I had mentioned to him that it might be a good idea for her to come,so he invited her,but then my daughter who is 18 said she is humiliating us all,and she should not be here. My son then repeated what my daughter said,and did not want my ww here at all.
You must all know I am all confused,and not myself right now. this is only 2 weeks since she took off.I called her back,and said forget about the party that I would be seeing her in a half hour.
I went to bring her some of her thinhs,and told her neither of our kids want her around the home. I then verbally told her plan B. I said I cant hang on,or call her anymore. We wall work together,but I am seeking another job soon.
I said I hung on so long,cause I loved her so much,and thought she would change.This was her lifestyle,and it wont last with the om.I said she wasnt just my w,but also my best friend.I said I wont bad mouth her,and will always love her.I mentioned about staying out of court,and her paying child support for my son through ATM.
She said she was sorry,and I said I probably forgot to say some things,but that's why I see why people write Plan B letters. I can still write a Plan B letter,and repeat somethings,and write the things I forgot.
I told her to call my son before I get back home ,so she can hear from his own mouth,and he told her he didnt want her here,and she started crying histericilly,and kept saying I love you over,and over. Well its a relief to stop conversation with her,and we will see what happens even if it takes months.She said she was sorry to me after the talk. I am a wreck right now,but things can only get better.

Steve, I hate to tell you this, but things are probably NOT going to get any better unless you start handling them differently.

In fact, if you keep handling things the way you've always handled them, you can safely bet that you are going to get the same results.

I know you are a wreck. I feel bad for you. But you need to slow down some and start thinking about the advice you are getting.

John

[quote]

I know you are a wreck. I feel bad for you. But you need to slow down some and start thinking about the advice you are getting.

Should I write a Plan B letter this week? I am not calling her anymore.

I would recomend you start working on your Plan B letter this week. There is really not a big big rush here. Your marriage problems didn't start overnight and they won't be solved overnight.

Stay in Plan A for now. Don't chase her or call her, but be nice and pleasant with her.

Work on your Plan B letter and try to think of how you are going to handle the next month or two.

J

How do I find Plan B letters.so I get some ideas.
Search button does not work for me.

There is a thread with a few letters posted...

Here is the link to Plan B letter thread.

There is a specific forumula to follow. Read these and let me know what you think. If you want to start writing one, you should post it up here on MB and we will all help you fine tune it.

John

Steve, here are some samples for you to look at. Please write your letter and then post it and let us help you refine it, ok?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428#000001

Hey Mel...

We just pasted almost carbon copies of the same reply...

With the same link...

Within a minute of each other...

Seems we think very similarily...

(Dylan just pointed out that she's never actually, really seen us at the same time in the same room... "Hmmmmm," she says, "The plot thickens...")

J

hehee, that is too funny, I didn't even know I was posting behind you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel... y'know... yer alright for a foreigner... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Steve, Thanks for getting everybody to post the Plan B links. I'm going to be needing them soon, too.

Sometimes, I think our kids see the alien better than we do. As someobody here once pointed out to me, we choose our S, our kids were born into the situation. (Or were married into it.) For the most part, my kids would like nothing to do with their father.

Hold strong and make a plan. Don't call.

Good luck.