hi
I am no longer talking to my ww. We just pass each other by at work. I gave my notice. I am quitting my job on Thursday. WW now goes in the om truck at break with female friend ,or om if same break. I am starting my PLAN B letter,and giving it to her this week. She will probably come by in a few days for most if not all her things.
She only met the om 4 months ago,and she is leaving a family she was with for 20 years ..very strange,but she dont care. She will suffer later.

The fact that she's willing to risk/give up her family and 20 years of marriage for the OM is NOT that surprising, Steve. Pretty common if you've seen a lot of the stories here. My wife of 17+ years was willing to give up our M and pretty much destroy our family for an OM that she'd never met in person. Someone she'd ONLY known via internet and phone. She ended up not going, and Ive got to say things are going very well between her and I now, but that just shows you how the whole A can give someone blinders.

My ww told me she went to the doctor yesterday,and she has woman problem. I wonder if its the om fault? She also said she was really at her Fathers to decide what she wants to do.If she had no intentions on returning ,then she would have said it.
I told work to hold off on my original idea to quit,and took 1 week leave of absence instead.
My ww hasn't taken any clothes ,or much else in the 3 weeks since she left. She doesnt question the money being spent in the account,or how the kids are doing.If she was never returning,then I think she would have made some moves already. I am ready to write PLAN B letter,and set some boundaries before I even think about letting her back in the home.

My WH has been in the same foggy state for months. It's definitely time for Plan B. Work on your letter, Steve. It's going to be hard but everybody here will give you great feedback.

HI GRAPEGIRL
I am going to use pieces of posted letters,and half my own personnel touch. I dont like the part of the Plan B letters posted here where the BS is saying sorry for what happened.
I did the laundry,trash,vacumm,all parties,shopping,holidays, rides for kids,appointments,photography,sports games. My ww did some cooking,and complained all the time,and did dishes.She had 9-11 affs in our 19 years together,and said she made an effort in the last few months to make things work,but all she did was lie,and sneak. She never intiated the sex,and I havent recieved a compliment,or nice remark in 3 years,or longer. I have nothing to apoligize for in the Plan B letter. She was totally at fault,and I wont use any BS in the letter to make her feel better.
She said she wanted to be on her own,and that meant being with om. She wont leave this om side all day,and night for the 3 weeks she has been gone. Lets see what happens after a few months of not hearing from her Family.

Steve, why did you do that? It was a good idea to quit. Plan B won't work if you see her every day. The point is for her to miss you. That won't happen if she sees you every day. Nor do you need to have her sleazy affair rubbed in your face every day. Please quit and get another job.

I think its a good idea to give her the Plan B letter on Thursday. In it, tell her that you will drop off her clothes, possessions at her fathers. Also, I would suggest taking her off your checking accounts so she can't get to your money. You should take steps to protect yourself financially.

Steve, you may not know this, but if you find me and Mel actually agreeing wholeheartedly on something... you just gotta KNOW that it's good advice!

John

great minds think alike! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel<----co-president of the mutual admiration society <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HI MEL+DEWT
I took a leave,but can call anytime to quit.I can give her Plan B letter by weekend.I am going to pack her things up,and put them in one place,so if she calls they will be ready. Not that it matters ,but found out today from a few workers the om is bi-sexual.My ww is going to go downhill fast.

Steve, I wouldn't plan on ever going back there. You don't need to be around the OM. EVER.

Also, I would make sure she understands that she cannot come in your house. So I would pack up her stuff and drop it off at her dads. Its real important that she not be allowed to come in and get a "fix" for her homesickness. Because she will probably do EVERYTHING to get you to break Plan B so just be prepared. She will try and con you into letting her stay in contact with you while she "thinks about things" [carries on her affairs]. Don't fall for it!

Tell her in the letter that she can pick up the kids for visitation and visit with them at her fathers. She can call them directly and make those arrangements. Just don't let her in your house or talk to her after you deliver the letter, ok?

Ditto what Melody said. You should really listen to her.

Will you post your letter before you send it?

john

hi
Yes I will post the letter before I give it. Do I hand deliver her the letter? The kids DO NOT want anything to do with her. What do you mean visitation? They dont want to look at her.Maybe I will quit.I can get a doctors note,and say their aff stressed me out which it did,so I can collect.
Should I get a restraining order,or just tell her to stay away.

Steve, just tell her in the letter that she is not to contact you - AT ALL unless it is an emergency. She can call the kids if she wants. That means she doesn't come to the house. You don't have to get a restraining order, but if she comes to your house, meet her at the door and remind her that she is not to contact you. Then politely close the door.

Be prepared for her anger. She will try and pressure you into continuing contact with her because she will not like not being able to control you any more. Are you prepared for that?

I wouldn't hand the letter to her. Is there a way you can leave the letter for her at her fathers or at work? Just do it at a time when you know you aren't going to see her again.

Hi Mel
I will drop off her clothes,and things at her Father's while she is at work. I will put the letter with the stuff.
She wont come by the house.I have to get another job.I dont want to go back there. This Plan B will only work on her if I dont see her.I started my own bank account,but I still have ATM access to hers for the weekly child support payment of $125 per week for son.If she decides to change her account,then I will have to take her to court for $$.


BS - 45 46 on Saturday
WS - 37

Steve, sounds like a GREAT PLAN! Please let us help you with the Plan B letter, ok? Post it here and we can give you feedback.

This is by far the most difficult letter that I’ve ever had to write. Every word comes straight from my heart, so please read it over carefully.

In all of our years together, I never imagined us reaching the point that we are at today. I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world and I want our marriage to continue throughout the years. When we got married, I thought that it would be forever. I never thought that we would ever be apart for this long. The thought that we may no longer grow old together is heartbreaking.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and feeling of emptiness that I have to go through everyday with is almost unbearable. It’s still hard to believe that we have found ourselves in this situation. I just never imagined that this would happen to us. I understand that you’ve been unhappy for a while for various reasons, some of which you may not even know. However, I never stopped loving you and from the times that you made me smile, I could never forget what a wonderful person you can be. These are the times that gave me the strength to go on.

You’ve told me over and over how confused you are and how you need more time to think. Considering the stage of your life that you’re in right now, whatever decision it is that you make will affect the remainder of both of our lives. I realize that you are taking the time to think about all of this. You have the right to make your own choices and I will respect your decision either way.

This time should be taken to face your problems and figure out what you want. I cannot control what you decide to do, nor do I have the ability to change you. I accept that fact that you’re the only one who can change the way you are, if you choose to do so. This is probably very difficult for you and I want you to know that I will still be here if you ever need my support.

You are the only person that I have ever allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself. As I write this letter, I find myself looking back on the past, only to remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive you for causing me this immense amount of pain and I hope that we can work through this and be together again.

Although it is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage, you’ve left me no choice but to take the direction that I’m going in now. It was your choice to get involved with other men and maintain a secret second life that you invested your time and energy into and pushed it all in the opposite direction of our relationship. Therefore, I am ending communication between us entirely, hoping that the relationship will find a way to work itself out. We cannot make the same mistakes that we’ve made in the past anymore.

The truth is that I simply cannot endure this pain any longer and for that reason, I will not see you as long as you keep in contact with Him. You know that I love you and not only do I want to be your husband, but your best friend as well. However, this is basically impossible while He is in your life. I still believe in you but right now the only way to protect my feelings is to distance myself from your actions the best I can. I am not doing this in anger, I just need to restore a bit of normality into my life. I need to remain healthy, find some peace, and respect myself as a human being.

When you are willing to work together on a plan for our recovery and go through counseling, I will be ready and prepared to discuss our future. Just remember there’s nobody else that can love you more than I do.



I love you forever,

Your husband,
Steve

The 3 of us work at the same warehouse. I am leaving.
I think I should mention in the letter that ww has to get out of there too.

Steve, there are a couple of things I would suggest in your case. I would cut out 80% of the lovey dovey stuff because your wife is emotionally detached. That will just push her away and she will miss the point of your letter.


I would cut this entire paragraph because a) you should not respect her decision to run around and act like an alley cat in heat and )b it gives her the impression that the choice about your marriage is up to her. It is not. You are taking matters into your own hands now and the decision will be up to you.

Another very important condition is that she agree to long term counseling and resolve her lack of fidelity in the marriage. You must tell her that you cannot endure her endless affairs and in order to consider reconciliation, she must be in counseling and have an effective plan in place that convinces you she has addressed her emotional problems that have led to her infidelity. She must understand that you will no longer share your wife with another man.

Steve, take a look at this and see what you think:

This is by far the most difficult letter that I’ve ever had to write. Every word comes straight from my heart, so please read it over carefully.

In all of our years together, I never imagined us reaching the point that we are at today. I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world and I want our marriage to continue throughout the years. When we got married, I thought that it would be forever. I never thought that we would ever be apart for this long. The thought that we may no longer grow old together is heartbreaking.

The past few weeks have been the most difficult time of my life. I have come to realize how devastating your continued affairs have been to our marriage and to our family. As I write this letter, I find myself looking back on the past, only to remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive you for causing me this immense amount of pain and I hope that we can work through this and be together again.

Although it is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage, you’ve left me no choice but to take the direction that I’m going in now. It was your choice to get involved with other men and maintain a secret second life that you invested your time and energy into and pushed it all in the opposite direction of our relationship. A marriage cannot survive continual infidelity. Therefore, I am ending communication between us entirely. We cannot make the same mistakes that we’ve made in the past anymore.

The truth is that my love for you is eroding and in order to stop this erosion I must end all contact with you. In order to resume contact between us, all contact must end with the OM, and you must take steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again by going to a counselor. You must demonstrate to me that you are committed to a path of fidelity.

You know that I love you and not only do I want to be your husband, but your best friend as well. However, this is basically impossible while you continue on this path. I still believe in you but right now the only way to protect my feelings is to distance myself from your actions the best I can. I am not doing this in anger, I just need to restore a bit of normality into my life. I need to remain healthy, find some peace, and respect myself as a human being.

When you are willing to work together on a plan for our recovery and go through counseling, I will be ready and prepared to discuss our future. Just remember there’s nobody else that can love you more than I do.

And here is the MOST IMPORTANT POINT of Plan B: you must be willing to do what you say otherwise she will not take you seriously and will know she can carry on as she chooses! That means that you absolutely DO NOT allow her to contact you. If she calls, you do not answer. If she comes to the door, answer it and ask her if she has met the conditions in your letter to ) end contact and b) resolve her emotional problems that lead to her serial infidelity. If she says no or starts talking crap [which is more likely] politely say goodbye and close the door. She will try everything to get you to break Plan B and you must be prepared for it.