Awesome Job, Mel.

Steve, what did you think of Melody's editing of your letter. Do you see how the changes are important and how big a difference they make?

I also want to add my voice to support the absolutely important fact that you must be willing to back up your letter with firm action. If you don't you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

John

hi Dewt
I already mentioned to Mel that the shorter version was better. List important things only,and not be so nice.
I have to mentioned about contac with the kids.
My ww won't quit the job. She will say its no big deal if she says hi to om. I dont think I am going to hear from ww after this weekend.She is going to go nuts when she sees all her things at Fathers house when she comes from work. She is only expecting a few clothes,and some A1 sauce..lol
I may give her empty A1 bottle.

heheee.. Well, Steve, as far as her working there, you can't settle for less! Just expect her to come back with some half baked solution in order to get you to break Plan B, such as "in the future I will quit the job and go to counseling." NO CAN DO!

It will drive her crazy that she can't control you anymore so don't fall for any crap, ok?

Whatever she responds with, come to us first, ok?

Mrs Steve: "In the future I will quit the job and go to counselling."

Mr. Steve: "That's great sweatheart. Please feel free to get in touch with me when you do."

Steve, the hardest lesson I've learned... wellll... er.... still learning, is how to be nice, respectful and loving BUT at the same time learn how to set boundries.

My motto/mantra (one of them) People are going to treat you as badly as you let them.

(My next favorite motto is: You can't control others.[/dewt ducking for cover as Mel flings a texan-sized cyber-frying pan]

The reason I keep repeating this particular mantra is because in so many cases in my life, I've allowed myself to be mistreated. To extents you wouldn't believe. In the case of my wife's affair, I not only allowed it, but encouraged it because, get this:I wanted her to be happy. Seeing her excited and happy made me feel good... I thought I could handle it... but I couldn't.

(And here's where you are already a good many steps up from me in that you already have a much better idea on where to draw the line. When to say 'enough is enough')

Any regardless of the detailsIt got to a point (and I'm SURE you know exactly what point I'm talking about) that I just couldn't take it any more. Just too much pain. And so, (like you) I gave myself a crash course in setting boundries and the family was split up. I thrust a decision at my wife, and she chose the exact opposite of what I really, really hoped she would choose.

Now, a year and a half LATER, I can look back and honestly say that everything that happened was predictable.

The truth is that for a bunch of reasons, my wife has lost respect for me. I honestly think it's the bottom line... the core issue... of just about ALL our problems...

I can't type forever about this tonight. I'm way beyond exhausted, the last 18 hours have been split about evenly between hard labour (digging deck holes) and driving.

I just had to post though... but because I'm so tired... I'm gonna cut and paste something I recently posted. I wrote:
If you can at all relate to this, Steve...

Then take my advice, which to you quite frankly, is worth a year and a half of pure he!!, and don't do ANYTHING hastily.

Don't make ANY decisions on the spot or in an emotional state.

Come here, pay close attention to Melody... and especially read the Harley material. There's welcome threads that have tons of links. I'm rapidly running out of steam... so I won't post them myself right now...

You are at a point, Steve, where the right decisions, at the right times, are going to make a BIG difference.

Not only with your wife, but with areas of yourself that having nothing to do with her...

Nighty night...

John

Absolutely.

hi
I am droping off ww things today with Plan B letter.
I want to add more things in the letter about how the om is only being nice for sex,and quick excitement that affs bring, but after the letter,and om feels I am out of picture,then he will treat ww differently.

Why do you want to add this? Do you it will make a difference?

J

hi Dewt
I WANTED TO ADD THIS 2ND PAGE TO MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHE IS TO BLAME FOR ALL HER BAD CHOICES,and I wont take it anymore.

I decided to write a few more things this morning separate from the main letter. I didn’t like the lifestyle you chose to have on the side,and although I put up with it for a long time,I never did anything about it.
I know your confused,and I can’t change you. You have to do that yourself,but what your doing is wrong,and foolish.
You are trying to get the best of both worlds. You have had yourfamily , on one side,and your affairs,and other men on the other side.

You know you have a good husband, kids,and home,but you are being selfish,and want to flirt your way into another affair for sex,and quick excitement. The om {other men,or man},I don’t think he should be called a man for trying to break up a marriage,and home like he did his own.The om are being nice ,and satisfying your emotional needs ,so they can get what they want {sex} in the end. Last week its infections,and next time it could be worse. Your enjoying running around now,but these affairs don’t last,and what your looking for is right in your own bed.

After you read the letter,then you must make a choice. I am not going to be dis-respected,and used anymore. You must end all contac with him,give back his phone, get some type of counseling .I cant,and wont keep getting hurt.You can call the kids on the phone,and talk to them about seeing them, right now I don’t think they want to see you until your done contacting the om but I would rather you hear it from them.

You talk about control,that is what this om is doing with you now,and you also controlled the way I handled your affairs in the past,by putting up a wall of lies,and trying to make all these om look like just friends. I am not giving in to you until you STOP all contac with him,and you get some serious help,so you know you wont hurt me again.I no longer want to compete for your love with other men. I took more the the average husband could handle. I want a faithful wife that I could be proud of,not someone elses girl friend. I want to move forward with my life,not backwards,and I am doing it whether it includes you or not. Steve

Good advice, Dewt!

Steve, I wouldn't send her your page 2 addendum. It may all be very well and true but it comes across as a disrespectful judgment because you are lecturing her.

She knows she is wrong and if you try to tell her that she will get defensive and just defend herself. That will prevent her from feeling guilt all on her own.

On the other hand, if you say nothing, then she feels guilt all on her own. She won't feel any guilt if she if busy defending herself from a perceived attack from you. See what I mean?

hey! that silly foreigner is stealing my lines! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course you do. And I'm sure it felt very good to write that letter.

HOWEVER... If you send it, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.

Write it down. Post it here. But do not send it to her. It will not help your cause. It will not wake her up.

The 1st page of your Plan B letter makes it perfectly clear that you won't take it any more. It does so respectfully and gives the message that she will have to live with her decisions.

That 2nd page will probably just make things worse. Please tell me you will not include that second page.

John

ps: sorry Mel... just couldn't resist. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

ok Dewt+Mel
I am not going to include that 2nd page.I am going to her Fathers soon. My daughter is visiting him as well.
WW change her direct deposit a few weeks ago,but it just
kicked in today. Now I have to ask about the child support,and $$ help.Maybe she can direct deposit that into my account. I am not putting the letter under the sofa at her Fathers like I told her. I dont want her to open it in front of om when he takes her there after work. I will call tonite,or she may call,an talk about the deposit,location of the letter,and anything else important,and then thats it for contac.

Steve, talk to her about the support money and get that resolved before you give her the Plan B letter, ok? You must not talk to her at all after you deliver that letter.

Steve, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TALK TO HER AFTER YOU DELIVER THAT LETTER!!!

If you want to talk to her about child support, do it before you deliver that letter.

Better yet, have your lawyer talk to her about child support. That will be a serious reality check for her. (You know, the kind you were hoping for when you wrote the 2nd page)

Plan B is about cutting off contact with her. You must SHOW her you are serious.

Are you ready for things to change? Or do you want things to keep going as they always have?

J

I just returned from ww Father's house,and left all her things,and put the letter in a hidden location. I will talk to her tonite about the $$ support.

Smart man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe now,cause you,and Dewt are coaching,but
How smart is staying with a ww for 19 years.
I tell everyone she is crazy for constant infidelity,then what does that make me for sticking around?

Steve, you just did what any decent family man would do, try and save his family. Don't beat yourself up for trying to do the right thing. You are moving in the right direction now and thats all that counts. And I bet your kids gain alot of respect watching you stand up for yourself! You da' man, Steve!

hi
My ww never called last night about the big drop off of her things. The letter is still in a hidden location.She may not have even gone to her Father's. She could be spending nights at the om parents house where he lives.I will wait another day for call,then I will call her on Sunday,and have her read the letter,then quit the job on Monday,and play the waiting game.

Steve, can you qualify for sick leave due to work-place related stress?

John