For some time now, I have wanted to apologize to OMBS regarding my instrusion on her personal life and the pain that I caused her.

I have had a running head debate...and I now suspect I am just stalling. So, I am putting the issue out there and intend to resolve it and act ASAP.

I would appreciate input on the following and anything else you wish to add.

To apologize or let it pass...

Would she even WANT me to apologize....I mean it is almost insulting to apologize for such a thing! But what's the alternative at this point--NOT to apologize, this is worse in my mind.

Method...letter....phone call...

Would it be better by letter or by phone? Phone seems more sincere--though more invasive in a sense too. I know she is a very private and shy woman...but am I just making excuses because I am scared as hell to call her? A letter ensures I say what I need/want to say and it is discrete--but will it seem less sincere than a phone call?

What to say?

I have already scripted something that is short and to the point...apolgizing for intruding into her family and marriage. Apologizing for the pain I caused her personally.

As a BS, what do you think of this?


FYI: we don't have any ties other than those created due to A. A ended 3 yrs ago. She learned 1 yr. ago.

Have you written a NC letter?

If not, I suggest you do and include the apology in it.

If you already have written the NC letter, I suggest you write her a separate letter and include a copy of the NC letter.

This is what I would have wanted.

I've thought about this off and on.

My thoughts are:

1. Written brief note, in a "blank inside" card. Not a phone call and not an email. This gives her the option of not speaking to you if she does not choose to..... see?

2. Here is what most BW's worry/fret/obsess about. That OW got off scott free/ guilt free/ had her fun at our expense and never gave a second thought to the damage left in her wake. So .... if you decide to do this ... I suggest your letter reflect that this is not the case. You do recognize HER pain, HER damage and you recognize that your handprint is on her life, and not in a good way. Speak VERY LITTLE if at all about YOUR hurt. OK

Make sense?

Brief. Requiring no response by her. And recognizing HER as a real human person who matters.

If you do it this way ... you become a blessing in her recovery journey instead of an imediment.

Thanks for asking the question.

God bless you.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I forgot to say that I believe it takes a lot of integrity to do this. It bodes well for your future in my view.

WAT

My situation is very unique in this sense. OM has passed away.

****1. Written brief note, in a "blank inside" card. Not a phone call and not an email. This gives her the option of not speaking to you if she does not choose to..... see***

This makes sense to me....not forcing her into confrontation with me. But I kept second guessing myself that I was just being selfish and taking an easier route.

****2. Here is what most BW's worry/fret/obsess about. That OW got off scott free/ guilt free/ had her fun at our expense and never gave a second thought to the damage left in her wake. So .... if you decide to do this ... I suggest your letter reflect that this is not the case. You do recognize HER pain, HER damage and you recognize that your handprint is on her life, and not in a good way. Speak VERY LITTLE if at all about YOUR hurt. OK***

I would NEVER have the gaul to talk about my pain to her!!!
But I would like to say that "I know my own sadness and regrets cannot compensate for the pain I have caused her and that nothing I say now can change the past" But that she still deserves an apology and I am very sorry for intruding on her union with ____ and into her personal life.

Is that too much about my feelings?

Your bigger hurt comes from the awareness of how much you have hurt her.

Pep

In my opinion, it's a little facile to say your sadness and regrets cannot compensate. I don't think you should even refer to your own sadness over the loss of OM.

Was the affair going on when OM died?

GC

Ahuman,

Was going to pass on this thread until you mentioned that OM had died.

Allow me to offer the perspective of a BS who's wife died 4/5/2005. LET IT GO! Please let it go.

If "your" OMBS feels anything like I do, it will take VERY LITTLE to push them right over the edge. For myself, anything any of these b*&^%$s have to say will do NOTHING to ease my pain. I'll resist the urge to vent further(it wouldn't do either of us any good), but would sincerely urge you NOT to inflict any more pain on this woman.

Thanks graycloud, pep, wat. (BTW by 'sadness' I was not try to say it is over the loss of OM, though I guess she could read it to mean that!! This is exactly why I am looking for advice).

I was just trying to say that I wasn't apologizing and then somehow going to think that things were okay! That my apology couldn't make up for what I did.

Can you suggest something to say that sounds better?

I really want this to be right and repair some of the damage I caused--if that is even possible. I don't know. All I know is that I had become a really selfish and frankly "[censored]" human being--and that really isn't me down deep. I can't change the past and I want to do what I can to make things better.

I ended the A before OM passed away.

Ron 53,

Thank you for your input. Sorry for your recent loss.

Ahuman - This is just the opinion of one BS, so you are going to have to decide for yourself, as is true for all of us.

I see virtually no good that can come of you contacting the OMBS at this point. YEARS have passed. What I read as your rationale for contact is to "ease YOUR mind," to make you "feel better about who you are today."

Ahuman, there can be no further "reconciliation and building a newer and better marriage for OMBS and OM" since he died. Whatever memories she has are of their total marriage, what she knows of the affair, and what they may have been able to "rectify" before he died.

So stay out of it. Live with it as a very hard lesson learned. You sound like you are "getting yourself together" now, so stay on the new course. The best "gift" you can give OMBS now is to remain out of her awareness. Let her "move on." If she wants to think of you as a shrew, that is her right. She lost her husband to you and to death. Remember, from what you wrote, YOU ended the affair, the OM did not. So her recovery would have been harder to begin with anyway. Then to have it interrupted by his death would just leave her feeling even more "cheated."

I know it may sound harsh, but the consequences of actions can't be "undone." Hopefully we learn lessons from them and steer a "better course" in the future, but the past can only be "forgiven," not forgotten or "made right."

Good luck as move on into the future and hopefully all that you have learned through this mess, and perhaps from reading here on MB, will come in good stead for you should you be married in the future.

Hi there,

A month after d-day, H and I together called OMW to tell her. She was my friend and I had cut her off on D-day with no explaination, and also her H had had many affairs before.

I shook - I was terrified. I didn't want to do it - but I know it was what I needed to do - I needed to make amends.

She cried and she said to me she wants to hate me and be mad at me, but she can't be - and she forgives me. I was shocked she said that. I don't know if she feels that way still.

She told me that she thought it must have taken me alot of courage to phone and tell her and she appreciated me telling her.

H was on the phone with me and told her what he had gone through with me, all the steps we went through etc, so I think that helped her - so she wasn't afraid I was doing this with alternative motives.

I hope that she is still doing well, and I feel better telling her as I felt like such a horrible human to do that to her and her family.

-ds

I also agree that if that much time has passed, it may not be the best idea

But it may be something you need to deal with internally - on how she is doing?

-ds

Oh.

I'll change my recommendation and recommend you leave her alone.

WAT

If he hadn't passed I would say got for it! But Let this women enjoy the memories of her husband. All you would be doing is bringing up bad memories and she will not have him to help ther through it!

I would Love for H's xGF to call and say she was sorry, but it may also make me angery that she is still thinking of him! KWIM.

I agree. Leave this widow alone and live with your feelings yourself.

Pep

If I got an apology from OM, I'd say so what ?

He helps destroy my life then APOLOGISES ?

*** But his words - the same words he lied to me with ? nah.

Ahuman, don't apologise to make YOU feel better, if thats what this is about at a base level. OMS W deserves better than that.

I'm with WAT. Leave it and sort your head out some other way.

Oh BP...I think only MY depositing those organs in said vinegar could BEGIN to assuage my anger!

Thanks for all of your input! This is such a sensitive issue and it has been really helpful to have your points of view.

ONE last question, then I will let this go. I realize I keep leaving out important points. (I am so nervous to bring this up on the board--hands are shaking).

She learned of the A AFTER his death.

I bring that up because part of why I keep thinking she deserves an apology is that no one involved has ever apologized to her. (That and my BS thinks I have an obligation).

But I guess, how will MY apology help her at this point anyway? Does that change things for any of you?

Thanks again for your help.