Ron, first let me say how sorry I am for your loss. This quote is going to be burned into my brain. I am in the process of a D that I never really thought would happen and found out things about my STBX that I am having trouble accepting. Perhaps forgiveness will allow me to move on. Thank you for sharing your story.

Ron -

Just bumping this up for others to see. I think one of my problems with the MB program is the long Plan A (while spouse is cheating), and not too many references to safe sex between BS and WS.

I know I was unknowingly exposed for 6 months before D-day. When I asked WH after D-day why he didn't use protection, he said he did. I found out from OW's husband that this wasn't true. When I confronted WH, he said that OW "was not like that". In other words, she was safe to have unprotected sex with. Her BH let me know that she has cheated before.

So I had to go in to get tested for everything. What a humiliating experience - although my doctor was very nice.

Ron:

First off, my deepest sympathies are with you on this. I said a prayer for you last night. Please have faith that God will see you through this.

Secondly, perhaps I am just a moron, but I couldn't tell what happened to your W by reading the posts and links. How/why did she pass on? How was this related to the affair? I am sorry if you already explained this, I just must have missed it. I just want to understand.

Once again, I am sorry for your pain and sorrow at this time in your life.

LM

Lemonman - Ron's wife died from pneumonia - she had no more immune system. She was only 52. Ron has been tested and has to be tested again in 6 months.

By the way, so glad you are still posting.

AIDS????? Not that this changes the pain involved, but Dear God, this is horrible.

LM

Lemonman - Ron has quoted you, that WS's are endangering their health and subsequently the health of the BS.

I am assuming that Ron's wife died from AIDS. I don't know why else he would be getting tested.

This is another side of what we all need to face.

Sorry LM, not having a good day...

Official cause of death - "respiratory arrest", approximate interval to death - "immediate". Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP) had been officially diagnosed previous day. She also had "hairy" leukoplatia and thrush. Within the previous month she had also been treated for swollen lymph glands (biopsy was benign). Her T4 count was down, CBC & WBC both under 3,000.

Would you like to attach a name to what she died from? MAYBE it would carry more weight with the "wayward" crowd if they heard it from a medical professional!!!

Ron53:

This $hit is tragic. I am so sorry you have to still live with her choices after the fact. I have been preaching this fear of mine my entire existence here on the MB forum, and I am saddened to near tears tonight that this is the reality for one of our members. I can only ask our good lord to please bestow on you a negative test in 6 months and more importantly give you the stregth to deal with the results either way.

I am angry for you now. I am fighting back tears. I am so mad for you. I am so sorry for you Ron. WHY????? I hope that every BS/WS here sees this and understands how real the possibilities of this happening are. This isn't PLAY, THIS IS REAL LIFE.

If there is anything I can ever do for you, please do NOT hesitate to ask me.. Anyting at all.

LM

Trust me my friend, if the gift of understanding were within your powers to bestow, I would gladly ask it of you. I too just want to understand...

Ron53, I'm so sorry for your loss. What a tragic thing to happen.

Well, lemonman, this BS saw it and it hit home! I just realized that I haven't been tested yet. I kept putting it off, and now I don't have health insurance. I was unknowingly exposed for almost a year before D-day. We used no protection because we were monogamous (well...I was). I doubt WH and his MOW used protection, because, of course, she's 'not like that.' Her husband told me she has had more than one affair, so she is definitely 'like that.'

Sorry to threadjack, Ron53. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm fairly new here and hadn't heard it before.

You know Believer. You and I tried to discuss "this subject" previously.

Almost phrophetic, eh?

What is it that makes WS blind to the risks when they cheat ? They NEVCER use protection and they are having sex with an OP who is, at least, inclined to have affairs.

That Squid would trust a thrice divorced, serial womanizing old monkey to unload inside her because 'she loved him' is staggering to me.

Since when did love mean blind trust ?

I am very very lucky not to be in Ron's situation. All FBS are.

"Oh OP isn't like that". grrr.

I'm angry and sad like LM.

ron--i am so sorry for all you've been through. i read the link above and it all just saddens me so much.

god, please put your hands on ron and heal him and keep him safe from any new hurts.

Ron -

I had forgotten about that thread. It gave me chills reading it, now knowing the consequences for your wife.

Thanks for sharing your private story. There are a lot of folks who may benefit from your tragedy.

I also hope that the Harley's will add something about possible exposure to STD's and getting tested. While Plan A is fine, the BS's health must come first.

For those of you looking to build or rebuild a "relationship", let me share what I think I've learned:

FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER EACH DAY!

Forget about yesterday and tomorrow. Both are phantoms. Yesterday because it's gone and can't be changed, and tomorrow because it doesn't yet exist. All we really have, all we've ever really had is today...right NOW. Whatever it takes (all the tools are here)...just

FALL IN LOVE AGAIN EACH DAY

Ron - How are you doing tonight? I agree, the only thing we have is today.

For some of us, today we are on our own. But that is not a bad thing.

Hi Believer,

Sad, just feeling sad. It's a selfish thing actually. Feeling sad for what I've lost. Sooooo much unsaid and undone.

And 10 minutes from now I'll be angry. Angry at having been cheated. Angry at having lost "the fight".

The word NEVER keeps popping into my head. I'll never hold her in my arms again. I'll never again look into her eyes. I'll never again hear her voice. NEVER is a l o n g time...

Yes Ron, you will never hold her in your arms again, you will never look into her eyes again, and you will never hear her voice again.

And that is very sad.

But that does not mean that you can't have a great life. But right now, you need to take care of yourself. You are going to have a hard time right now.

Believer asked..."How are the children doing?"

Well, each of them really is it's own story. Our youngest, "G", (she was "assimilated" into our family years ago as a rescue measure from an abusive home environment) has taken the most pragmatic of the views to the situation. Probably due to her "family of origin" she was always more understanding of the situation. While by no means condoning what went on, she was much less critical of my wife's actions. "G" confided everything to my wife, all of life's trials and tribulations (and there are lot's when you're 28 and just starting your family). That comfortable "give and take of ideas" and "girl talk" has been lost. That troubles me because I doubt my ability to fill that role. Hopefully (and I see it happening already), our oldest daughter will fill some of that void.

As I've already mentioned (several times in various threads), our oldest daughter, "J", was absolutely LIVID when her mother's affairs came to light. She refused to talk with her unless absolutely necessary, and many hurtful "things" passed between them. To make matters worse, two of our three grand-children were caught in the middle. Despite my best efforts at mediation, their relationship remained very strained right 'til the end. As you may imagine, "J" is VERY conflicted now...still angry re. her mother's "activities" and now sad at having lost her mother. Of the adult "victims" of all this, "J" worries me the most. I pray that she'll find both forgiveness and closure.

The grand-children...well that's a different situation. All three were VERY close to their grandmother. There is now a huge void in their lives. Luckily (maybe), the boys (just 4 and 5) will adapt readily enough and actually have had few questions regarding where "grammy" is or what happend. We planted trees for "grammy" and they always help tend the flower gardens, so the "connection" is maintained. They still come to "grammy and pop-pop's" house everyday, although it's different now I'm sure. I don't want them to ever forget their grandmother, and will do anything to keep that from happening.

"A" (she's 12) is by far my biggest concern. She was 4 when my son died. They were inseparable. Now she's lost her "grammy"! They had a very special relationship. Not at all your typical grand-mother/grand-daughter relationship. They were close. And as "A" would readily tell you, "grammy" was her best friend. At 12, she's old enough of have an understanding of (at least the rudiments of) the adult world, but still impressionable enough to have this be a shattering experience. I pray she'll adapt.

So much has changed in everyone's life. The girls will move on with their lives. Even "J" will eventually "sort out" her feelings and come to terms with her mother's actions. The boys...they'll move on. Only having vague memories sparked by adult conversation and photos (I take/took photos of everything) of a grandmother who loved them dearly. "A", I don't know. So much has rocked her world in the last 9 years.

It hurts...REALLY HURTS to think of all the needless heartache all of this has caused for so many innocent souls. I pray that they all heal from this...

Ron
very very sorry for your loss. I wish you a new happiness and fulfilling life whatever that may be for you and your family.
But I do thank you for sharing your loss and pain with us.
You have given me more hope that I can and will try even harder to repair what I broke.
Its not over til its over, dont ever give in.

Thankyou Ron