SSG,

I read something the other day that made a whole bunch of sense but for the life of me I can't remember where I read it so I'll paraphrase it a bit here.

Basically what this person said was this....

"Think of the worst possible outcome in your situation, whatever that may be, and embrace it, feel it, wallow in misery for a few minutes with it...Once you get past the worst possible outcome it clears your head of fear and allows you to approach the problem in a more rational and purposeful manner"

Does that make sense to you SSG?

I thought of you when I read it because you are powered by your emotions right now. Like TMCM said above, your emotions will betray you in this.

So take 10 minutes of your day today and wallow with the misery of the worst possible outcome. Your guts won't be twisted up anymore because your mind won't be wrestling with the possibility of the worst. You'll already have faced it, accepted it as a possibility and moved on in a more positive fashion, with a purpose, with a goal and no more fear of whatever comes, you are already prepared for whatever happens.

Chin Up Lady

RebornMan

Believe me when I say I do this every day. I have been preparing for the worst outcome. Trying to get things in order so it isnt such a shock to me when and if it does happen. I did speak to my H today. He doesnt want me to come see him now and he just wants to talk details about a D. I'm upset, but think I am handling it good. Thank you for thinking of me and it really helps me to know you are all out there to talk to.

Its been a while since I was on here. I went back to spend some time with my family and his. The visit was alright, but I feel so much more at home here.
My situation has not changed. My H still wants a divorce. I am going over to where he is at to talk about a divorce. I do not want it, but know fighting will make things so much worse. I know that I need to stay calm and not get upset. I plan on doing that or at least do my best. Its is going to be very hard to spend the next two weeks talking about this when I want so much for him to forgive me. If any of you pray, please think of my H and I these next two weeks. Any prayer we can get will be great

My prayers are with you, your H and your family.

TMCM

SoSorry-
I am new here and I've been following these posts. Maybe you and others here could help me with my problem. I thought my marriage was just having it's highs and lows. I had no idea things were so bad.
My w had an affair and it recently came out. I have been trying to work with our relationship but she at times is cold and closed off to me. I can't get her to talk at all. You'd think I had the affair the way she's been acting. I'd like help and advice from anyone. I would really like to know why she is acting the way she is and maybe someone could give me some hints as to why she had the affair since I can't get anything out of her. Maybe some of the ladies here who had an affair could clue me in. Thanks guys.

Hi SLBrown.

Sorry you've found yourself here, but MB is the place to be.

If you start your own thread (over in General Questions II gets the most traffic) your story will get a lot more exposure and support.

Give us a little more information, too. How long have you been married, any kids, is the OM married etc.

Take care,

Alph.

Anyone here to bend an ear to this morning?

SSG,

I'm glad you are back..wondering what happened to you...

OK, so he is still talking divorce. Have you read the book yet?

Don't help fascilitate the D if you don't want one. Make him work at it, stall it, drag your feet, whatever it takes to give you more time, and him more time. Sometimes time is all it takes.

Keep working on yourself SSG...more later

RebornMan

Hey, its me again. I am here visiting my husband. It has been an ok visit. He has been nice to me and says it is not hard for him to be. yesterday we saw a councilor. dont think it helped. I was angry afterwords, but got over it. Today is our anniversary. It is really hard not to be celebrating this day. I am doing ok. I know you say to try to drag out the divorce, but I just want him to be happy even thought it is going to hurt so bad to let him go. I wish he would give it more time, but he says he is going to file when i go back home. I really think trying to drag this out will only hurt this. We are trying to stay friendly for the kids. I dont want this marriage to end (if it has to) on a bad note. He is a wonderful man. I just dont want to hurt him anymore.
To SLBrown. It is hard to make someone who has had an affair see what they have done or are doing unless they want to. I wouldn't see how this would affect my marriage or my life. She will open up to you when she is ready to if she is truly sorry for the affair. I am sorry for what you are going through. I know from seeing my husband for the first time since this came out how hurt he is and how I have distroyed his life. If you truly love your wife, tell her to end the affair, if she hasnt already. If she wont let her be because she will have to come to grips with the reality of what she is doing to herself and her family. She may or may not come around. You need to focus on yourself durning this time and your children if you have any. Don't let yourself feel like its all your fault. I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

SSG,

I don't want to give you false hope but what you are doing is good because it MAY set the stage for a future reconciliation and possible re-marriage. There is another MB member [Hopeful_Person] who came here over 2 years ago after being divorce from her H because of her affair, and she took the tactic of being a good friend to her ex-H, including him in holidays, children's birthdays, in other words, incorporating him as much as she could in her life as much as possible. To make a long story short, she and her H remarried and are happier than they were in their first marriage. It won't be easy because of his personal recovery, but if you can start building a foundation of true friendship then it is possibility that may become a reality.

TMCM

I can only hope and pray that that will be the case in my situation, but I am not going to get my hopes up. Everyone and every situation is different.

SSG,

Have you ever figured out why you had the A? Have you figured out why when your H confronted you on several occasions you did NOT end the relationship? Have you figured out, that what you are saying does NOT help your H, because he feels that your first choice would be the OM. After all you pushed away all of H's attempts to end the A, by talking to you, thus making it clear that OM was first choice.

It is very likely that your H cannot live with the thought that he is simply the fall back person, the second choice in your life. And you have no chance of convincing him otherwise until YOU understand why you did what you did.

I am willing to bet that you have not acknowledged what it was costing your H emotionally to be separated from you, and the kids for 2 years, but he was doing it to support you two. You need to acknowledge many things, but all you dwell on is how "hurt" he is. He is hurt, but that would heal IF he thought that there was a chance he would be happy once again the marriage, IF he thought he would be valued and respected in the marriage, IF he thought you understood what love really is.

Please quit focusing on his hurt and realize the hurt is only a manifestation of the damage done and that damage is what needs to be acknowledged and addressed. Right now he sees no hope and therefore he feels divorce is the only way out. What has changed in you that would give him hope? Right now I would suggest (as harsh as it sounds) that NOTHING has changed, because you have not learned from this and you cannot tell him that you have learned anything, except that he really will leave you because you have failed him. You need to focus more on you, not your pain, but your decision making, what makes you tick, what turns you on, what you value, what your word means, what marriage means. Until YOU know these things, you cannot offer him any hope except more of the same sort of behavior. Until he has hope, there is no chance for a good marriage.

So please think about all of this, and start your program to understand yourself, so that you can express to your H what you want, what you mean, and what you value. Telling him that you "love" him is meaningless because you are talking about a feeling, and what he needs is the VERB love.

I hope some of this makes sense and it helps you reconcile your marriage.

God Bless,

JL

I understand what you are saying and I am way past all of that. I fully know the impact of what I have done, and I also know why the A happened and I am doing everything I can to make it so it wont happen again. I feel like I have changed and people have even commented on seeing a change in me. I have learned so much from this and maybe one day my H will see it. And if not then I still will be a stronger, better person because of all this. God is control of my life now and I need to live as He wants me to.
Thanks for your input.
Take care.

Amen to JustLearning!!!!! SSG wake up! WAKE UP!!! I really liked the "I am doing everything I can so it won't happen again" have you even read the letter from (Just Learning)? You said "I am way past all of that" I dont believe you have once questioned yourself on any of your actions. If you were truly sorry, there would be NO question of A happening again. In order to love you must respect and I dont think you know the meaning. I am sorry for you because you have really messed up your life and dont know how to repent.

hunter, I'm sorry, but don't you think that was a little harsh? Is it ever helping someone to rip them apart? I would hope that MB's message boards would be a haven not only for support but *constructive* criticism. I'm having a hard time finding anything constructive in your post.

SSG, repentance and a heart open to change are vital to growth. I can see that you do really want to be a different person; just know that building that new person is slow, painful work and you're going to need all the help you can get. A story that was circulating the internet a while back called "The Refiner's Fire" comes to mind. Ever read it?
Ultimately none of us can ever control the direction our marriage takes because a marriage is a meeting of two independent individuals. When two don't go in the same direction, the boat tips over, so to speak. Your actions have caused your H to want to paddle as far away from you as he can get to avoid being hurt again, and when he *wants* to do that (what he wants now is key), any backpaddling you do is only going to make more waves. Like you've said, just work on you and leave the rest in God's hands. That's all you can do.