Last year, Mother's Day.....

HMMMMMMM......I was waiting for my test results to come back (they did the next day) to see if I had contracted herpes. I had a horrible breakout (first one), and was just recovering from it.

Yes, I had contracted herpes from WH and his (unknown to me at that time) ho-bag.

Mother's Day....the kids took me to breakfast....WH showed up, no card, no gift, no "happy Mothers' Day". Sullen and withdrawn. Trigger time for sure.

This Mother's Day, kids took me to breakfast again. WH was with us. No card, no gift, no "happy Mother's Day". He was much more pleasant to be around, however.

I'm bummed......I haven't talked to him about it yet. Haven't told him him I went to MC alone yet. Haven't brought up the kite in the back of his car yet....one he bought at the beach last year when he took OW to celebrate his being Plan B'd.

Am I just being pi$$y?

I'm pretty down..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

K

K - that's a pretty good reason to feel down and triggered on Mother's Day. Infidelity emotionally scars people for life and sadly, for some like you, physically damages a person too. You deserve some very special treatment and it doesn't sound like you are getting it. TT

What is your PLAN?

Pep

TT and Pep....

thanks for your replies......

I just think even a "happy Mothers Day" would have been nice....just an acknowledgement.....

My plan? I don't know, but I need to talk to him about it. How to start.....there never seems to be a good time.

REALLY need to talk about the kite.

Wondering if he will be defensive....if he is, then I KNOW he is in contact with ho-bag.....

Plan B for WH........perhaps plan D.........

K

You just be as pizzy as you want to be.

I put myself in the mindset that I'm not WH's mother, so I don't really expect much from him. He never has put himself out for Mother's Day, so why would he now. It did pizz me off that he couldn't be bothered to call him mother until nearly 10 pm. I got a text message around the same time. Guess slimeball OW couldn't let him off his leash long enough to call his mom at a decent time.

If your kids did something nice for you, then you have won the game. At least, you didn't get the gift that keeps on giving, herpes, for Mother's Day this year.

Yeah.....

the gift that keeps on giving.

WH always USED to at least give me a card for MD. Last 2 years - nothing. I AM the mother of his children.

My children are great, however. I love them dearly.

I am almost of a mind that WH is back in contact with OW. He's such and IGNORANUS (notice the n in that word).

IGNORANUS: NOUN. Someone who is both STUPID and and [censored]!.

K

Just to be clear ... in reality ... whatever derogatory name you choose to call OP is fine with me, however, whatever name you call OP ... you also call your spouse ... because a cheating lying spouse is no better than the OP. They are equally disgusting, not one more than the other.


Pep

My apologies, Pep.....

You are absolutely right! So, what I said in essence is that WH is a ho-bag too.......you're right....they are equally disgusting.

I was planning on talking to WH this evening, but thought I might save it for MC session......

Plunge in? Talk now? He's asleep on the couch. It's like I said, there never seems to be a good time.

But, I have questions, and I need answers. I would love to have an adult conversation with WH about these things...with the truth being told.

I am not afraid of his anger.....

K

SIGH !!!!!!!!!

Rather than give you more unneeded advice or opinion, I will just give you a big hug. ((((((((( )))))))))))

Your choices, your life.

LM

If your H is anything like mine when he is asleep...let him stay there!

A more productive conversation is likely when you are both fully awake and alert!

When's the next MC session? How are you with letter writing? Perhaps it is less confrontational that way. You will get more out of him if he isn't feeling cornered, I would think.

K, is he in contact with the OW again? I get the sense that he is back in contact with her. Is it possible that he saw her while he was out of town?

As far as talking to him, I think you are falling back into the same old trap of conflict avoidance. All ya have do to talk is open your mouth and say the words. You can't afford to let his growl intimidate you, K. Please stop dithering and just say what you need to say.

He's back in contact, isn't he?

hi k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I would wait until MC especially since he's asleep. In MC you have a better chance that he will hear you and the counselor would be able to facilitate the conversation. You sound very deeply hurt, more deeply hurt than you've appeared to be before this, so I think MC would be a better place to try to get what you need.

I feel bad for you that Mother's Day is a trigger. I don't know what else to say because mine is too and I haven't yet found the secret to getting past it.

Take care

Good Morning.....

Thanks for the hug Lemonman.....you're right, my life, my choices. I think it's my expectations of someone else that are suffering right now. Still expecting the old dog to be the old dog...but he has learned some new tricks, and can't seem to let go of them.

TNT.....since speaking of old dogs, I just let him lie...asleep. That was not intended to be a pun.

Mel.....yes, a little bit of conflict avoiding.....I think I'm just getting sick and tired of the same old thing.

But I have no clue as to whether he is in contact as I have not been snooping..... again....just judging from his actions. I don't think he could have seen OW while he was gone last week....he was in a very remote place with the guys (about six hours from here), with only a pay phone.....I've been thinking he could have easily contacted her that way.

He now gives me no clue as to what he is doing with his day.....he didn't call me even once yesterday (he said he was too busy).

It's just something I can't put my finger on.

LovingB.....I am planning to ask WH to make an appointment ASAP. The coming week looks very busy. And I usually have to take time off work to go to MC. About half a day.

HMMMMMMMM...........lots to think about....but, like Mel said, I need to quit dithering and just say what I have to say. It's going to have to be done sometime soon anyway.

K

And what would you expect him to say? Do you really expect an honest answer if he is in contact. He may figure you have no proof. I still think you made it too easy for him to just come back and fall into the same routine. It seems you've taught him how to manipulate you. I hope this isn't the case and he is just in his style of withdrawal...but it doesn't seem like it.

Hi Trix....

I think I made it too easy for him to come back and now he is falling into the old routine. Yes. His withdrawl? Who knows? I sure don't.

And as hard as it is for him to break his addiction of the A, it is also hard for me to break my idea of what he used to be. When you've been married to someone for so long, it's really hard to change some of the dynamics of the M.

But I can. I have grown a lot. And like Lemonman said, WH no longer seems "hell bent" on recovery. Something I can't quite put my finger on. But it's something that is still there.

However, I am strong enough to go it on my own. And I will if I have to.

I hate liars....I hate manipulators. They are the lowest.

K

K, can you do some sleuthing and see if he is in contact? I have a strong suspicion he is back in contact again. Are you sensing anything?

Hi Mel.....

I am trying to think of ways to do that.....but I think if WH was back in contact, he would be very careful.

There's just something I can't put my finger on.....he's kind of "stepped back". Just a feeling.....just a small change in his behavior.

Any suggestions?

K

Has he recently said or has he been saying that you just won't get over the A? If so, then I would take that as being in contact again.

Whenever my lack of trust or questioning comes back up my H never says that anymore but says it is his fault that I still have some of my thoughts or feelings. He takes full responsibility that his poor choices lead to my not trusting him 100%. There is a huge difference in real recovery as compared to the shakey feelings you have been recently experiencing.

I understand the dynamics of which you speak. We've been together 30 yrs ourselves. I do believe that it is possible for him to be the H you can respect again. Just how he came back this time jumped the gun with his serious illness as the excuse.

I am not sure what you do now. It seems like you are back in the unfortunate place of needing to find proof of contact again. We know that is not a comfortable position in which to be. I don't envy your current decisions. I don't think you can just be laisser faire.

I do think you may have had unreal expectations for Mother's Day...that is another issue that hurts you...that just may be him. He may feel like...K isn't my mother...instead of honoring you as the mother of his children. But, I can see that if he was not all there or distracted then you have your red flag. Distance was always a clue of renewed contact or of an A. I usually saw it clearer in hindsight.

Hi K,
My WH came home to soon too. He was ok for a little while, then I thought maybe withdrawl. But its that little feeling that won't go away. Don't ignore it. I didn't and found he was(is?) still in contact not at the same level they had been but IMing and calling while he is at work. I could definitely tell a change in his demeanor. Talk to him in MC.
Don't be surprised, they say relapse is common.

You can trust himyet but you should trust yourself.

K,
sorry if this might sound "blunt" but do you guys have sex????

If so, this might be a good indicator to see if something is "wrong"!

Please don't "bat me over the head" for this one..........but I "now" have learned to sence "changes" when it comes to this.

I also know that when I ask him a question (very directly) what to look for in his reaction. So far my feeling hasn't let me down.

His reaction when he was "unhonest" is rejection and anger or he avoids "eyecontact".
I have learnt to read my husband pretty well and when he wasn't telling me the truth he would lean back in the chair and cross his arms and he'd give me "The short YES or NO" answer.
For example: Dear husband, was there any contact whatsoever??
His reply: NO!
Did OW phone? His reply: NO!
Did she drive by your work? His reply: NO!

There was no passion in his words, no feelings, no wanting to "calm me down" no comforting, no nothing!

He was lying!!!!!!

His additude has changed completely now. When he "opened up" he told me that OW had drove by his work place, he told me what she said and what their conversation was about. He comforted me and he explained that he saw the damage that he had caused. He told me that if this was ever to happen again, he would phone me immediately, no matter what.

When I ask him something like this now, he gives me a short explanation............it's now a No, no contact at all, so please don't feel worried. I will honestly share it with you. He hugs me and he comforts me now. He doesn't get mad and he doesn't resent me when I ask him anything. He takes his time and he shows patience and great understanding for my questions.

There is a great difference and K, you will feel it when it is right. Listen to your gut!!!!

Don't be afraid to ask him anything!!!! Ask him clear and directly! Look at his reactions and listen to what your intuition is telling you. I am positive that you have a great experience when it comes to your gut feeling, trust yourself!

Even if your husband gets mad, he too wil have to accept that there are questions and they should be answered.

This didn't happen over night in our situation. We had plenty of fights because my husband "didn't understand" what this was about. But I just didn't give up and let things go.

I had done that long enough and I told my hubby that I will never and I don't ever want to be the "old bb" ever again because the "old bb" never questioned, she simply believed all the "quaker oats" he was telling me.

I have learned to stand up for what I believe in and I have learned to live the words I speak!!!!

So,I'd say, if you have a question: ASK!!!!! If you are feeling that something is "not right" QUESTION IT!!!!
Don't avoid anything because it might be uncomfortable, that will not get you anywhere.

You have all the rights to!!!!!

hugs
bb