That's because of YOU CSue <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

thanks for causing me to "think" of it!!!!!

OOOPS, BTW:

PEP also THINKS before she speaks OUT LOUD.......

It's the OUT LOUD part that I'm working on...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

CSue,
I thought about what I knew about T&L, and I figured (abet without asking) that she would not mind at all if other things were discussed.

So, I aided the thread jack, and I don't feel guilty.

I still would like to hear a report on how the camp goes. I hope you don't mind taking the time ,when you get back.

SS

You and me both Mimi. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ok SS,

That way you'll know we survived!!

BTW Susan, I only did it because you are such a good sport.

SS

Don't you think "grotesque" is just a tad, um, overpowering? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> By the time I get to the end, or people start tuning me out--whichever comes first--it should be fairly obvious why I'd rather tell jokes than peel the layers of my onion. I'm a sucker for anybody who'll laugh at my jokes, and it seems that people generally find it more amusing if I'm making fun of me than if I'm making fun of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Whatever. As long as they laugh. I even like to sit and watch Neak and Neaksis reading my stuff to themselves, just so I can hear them laugh and then find out what they thought was funny. When I make jokes, I'm not putting myself down in any sort of derogatory way. I know who I am, and what I can do. I'm proud of some things about me, and not so proud of others. You've surely heard the old saying, "If life hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Well, I can't blame life for handing me a lemon. I climbed up the tree and picked an overflowing basket of those suckers all by myself...but, by George, I've sure spent a lot of years since trying my best to learn how to make lemonade with what I had. And laughter, for me, is the sugar that makes my lemonade possible to drink. I guess it's OK with me if you still want to think it's grotesque. Surely all of you have a right to an opinion; but laughing at myself works for me and I think I'm going to keep on doing it anyway...as long as it keeps on working. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Neak, quite awhile ago on either this thread or hers, called me a FWW. I didn't exactly agree with that label then, and don't think I exactly still do now, but it IS part of my life and will come out as The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> unfolds. (Sorry about that, OriginalSusan. Hope nobody mistakes one of us for the other! I'd hate to ruin your cyber-reputation here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) I had a 50+ mile commute home today. On the way, I started thinking about my life over the last 40 years, and what I would be saying if we really tackled my "layers." I must've cried for at least 20 of the 50 miles I drove home. I'm not backing away from answering anybody's questions. There can be help for others, I think, in the story of my life...but if I'm going to tell my tale, I've got to be able to laugh about whoever or whatever I can make a joke about, whenever I find something that tickles my funnybone. It's my survival mechanism. Cherish it with me. It has served me well.

I think I'll start tomorrow. I've been up over 24 hrs. now, and am not feeling intelligent. If that's not a good enough excuse, HubbyPoo (HP) is due home very soon. Nuff said.

However, CSue, in honor of your fainting son, let me tell you an anecdote about Neak and her father. She was just a little girl, probably not more than 2 or so. She was trying to ride the Christmas tree stand like a pony and fell off of it, cutting her upper lip right through the vermillion border. We took her to the ER to get it stitched up so her lip line wouldn't be crooked. The MD on call that day was a female physician who was, with her husband, very close friends with HP and me. Their daughter is a day older than Neak, and their twins are just a few months younger than Neak's immediately-younger brother, so we had a lot of kids and a lot of interests in common. Anita had both HP and me come into the treatment room while she was stitching. We held Neak's hands and feet and talked to her while Anita reassembled her lip. I was absolutely fascinated by the whole thing, and leaned in so close to watch it's a wonder I didn't get my own nose stitched to Neak's face. After awhile I realized that HP was bent over and intently watching his military boot. I looked down carefully to see what he was looking at, couldn't see anything, and when he straightened back up, I resumed supervising the procedure. Just a little bit later, I noticed that he was back searching the floor at his feet again. I leaned over and whispered, "What on earth are you looking for?" He replied, "I'm trying not to faint." Please bear in mind that this was a Viet Nam vet/army medic who spent the better part of a year working intensive care in an evacuation hospital near Saigon. He had seen injuries so horrific I couldn't begin to imagine them, and had watched terribly-wounded men die ugly deaths. I would never, EVER in a million years have imagined that this man would be unable to watch his daughter get her lip stitched up...but he was. So even the tough ones can get squeamish in the right circumstances!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I've got a hot date with the Sandman. (It's over 100 degrees here and the A/C isn't quite keeping up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) Good night to all the kind people who have been generous enough to express an interest in me. I appreciate it...at least so far!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Thank you for the compliment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

t&l,

That's a very funny story...It's different when it's your own.

BTW, your humor reminds me of my very best friend who died a couple of years ago....it's very endearing and one reason I'm drawn to your thread; glad you're not going undercover with it!

Yes, as a matter of fact I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Grotesque in the sense that I was increasingly aware of my discomfort with how you describe yourself in such ( seems to me ) UNloving ways.

It's as if you [censored] yourself with a sharp humerous object, and wait for the rest of us to laugh.

It hurts to watch.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> My thread. My thread. What has happened to my thread? I turn my back on it for only one day, SO I COULD WORK, and it just goes right on without me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> And even without any of my pearls of wisdom being included, it seems to have been having a pretty doggone good time of it, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Next thing I know, people on this thread won't be talking just about ME, but will start feeling perfectly free to bring up any old topic that crosses their minds. What is this world coming to anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Here I thought I was the center of everybody else's universe, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Can anybody say, "Reality check"?

Of course I don't care what people talk about around here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Is there a rule against threadjacking somewhere? As I said on Idiotville this morning, about my suggested sister city Pariahville, "Only anarchists need apply. It's the LAW." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> on rules. They're made to be broken. Hijack away. The burden of being entertaining should be shared by all...so make me laugh, too, between the serious parts. Trust me. I need it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

It doesn't hurt ME! Sorry if it bothers anybody else. If I'm hurt, or disturbed, or troubled, or sad, or unhappy, or fill-in-the-blanks--you get the idea--I am very quiet, extremely proper, and generally invisible. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to be around anybody. I just want people to leave me the heck alone. I have a very special shell kept availabe for just such circumstances, and to which I retreat at bad times. However, in ordinary social circumstances, I am actually capable of dignity and rational discourse. If it will help, I'll certainly try it here...but if I blow a gasket from the pressure of maintaining all that unnatural propriety, don't say I didn't warn you all.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I bid you a calm, reasoned adieu as I seek to rest from my labors.

T, and L

no joke ... I just saw this for the first time a few minutes ago...

If I have offended you T&L, I ask for your forgiveness.

I could be wrong of course, but I sense a very layered hurt in your manner.

It is, of course, none of my business ... and only if you wish to share.

Quote: I could be wrong of course, but I sense a very layerd hurt in your manner.


I AM GOING TO BED. Really, I am. I just finished editing to the end of another chapter of Neak's book and decided to log on really quick to see what was happening. Found your post, which I can no more not answer now, than I could not scratch a mosquito bite if it itched!

Not hurt. Disconcerted, maybe? And I can tell you why. I had a very hard time in my childhood learning to "fit in" with the other kids, both the native and missionary varieties. Even back then, I was an assertive child, full of ideas which I naturally thought were better than the other kids', and not shy about saying so, either. No self-deprecating humor--just the painful truth--I was (very unintentionally, to be sure) a pesky little brat. To this day, I cringe whenever I meet somebody from Hawaii who says, "Susan, I remember you from when you were a little girl." Every time I heard it (when my kids were young), I'd be like, "Come on, children. We've got to go now." And they'd be snuggling up to the person with the unfortunate memories going, "No, tell us more." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I was very smart with books, but I just couldn't quite get the whole peer interaction thing to work well most of the time. When I got to college, I almost always got the top grades in nursing class, but I didn't want to be smart. I wanted to be popular, and that fact that I wasn't was a real burr under my saddle. Once I became an RN, I had to make a very difficult transition from book knowledge to actual nursing practice, and being a real part of a real team. My guess is that I was around 30 before everything really began to mesh for me on a regular basis, and it is one of the little secrets I cherish to my bosom (and now, to how many other bosoms in cyberspace) that I am privately proud of the fact that (at 57) I can go almost anywhere, get along with almost anyone, do a satisfactory job in a variety of places, and even get along with people at these jobs who don't get along with each other. In my mind, I had left childhood and high school far behind. Then came MB...

I almost didn't see your original invitation to "Come in here," and read past it several spaces in the index before I realized what it said. I thought to myself, "What is this?" and went back and read it. I asked Neak about it, and she said, "Wow, Mom--Pep is one of the MB gurus." And to my extreme amazement, I found myself inordinately flattered to be sought out by the middle-age equivalent of one of the popular girls at school. Especially by someone who thought I was funny. (I told you I'm a sucker for that.) It's a bit odd to have a flashback like that when you think you've outgrown your past youthful indiscretions, but it was fun to chat, and I didn't dwell on my strange reaction much...just gave it a thought in passing and went on.

I was in the middle of having a great time accomplishing absolutely nothing but being entertained, when you stopped posting, and quickly everybody else pretty much did too. It doesn't matter why, really. But it would be embarrassing to tell you how many times I went back and re-read that thread, trying to see what I'd said that drove everybody away. If I was surprised at myself to find out how flattered I was at the attention, I was really dismayed to find out how disturbed I was when everybody went away. Neither reaction fit in with my self-image of independent confidence, and I felt really weird to be having such high-school feelings all over again. I didn't even know I was capable of them any more, and didn't really like finding out that I was. Nobody enjoys having their self-illusions disturbed, after all!!

So it wasn't really anything that you did. It was all in my own head...just the uncomfortable epiphany I had when circumstances forced me to realize that I'm not necessarily as grown-up as I thought I was--that under this head of graying hair there still lurks a juvenile attitude or two. How embarrassing is that?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Most people who know me would say I don't have an uncertain bone in my body. I won't disillusion them if you won't!! My poor, poor facade. It fall down, go B-O-O-M! Oh, well.

Moving along now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Lovely hearing from you. Drop by any time. I'll be out back trying to pick up and reassemble facade splinters! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Call Tina. I told her you had gone to bed, but clearly I was wrong.

I can really relate to that. I used to be that way at work and avoided most social "groups" because I always felt on the fringe of things, there but not really included. I finally realized when I started spending more time on the internet to learn more about my DS' condition that I can interact if I take the face to face away. That led to more confidence in face to face situations and voila, I no longer hang on the fringes.

t&l,

Nice thing about the new MB Board is that you can see how many people lurk on your thread. This is one I always enjoy reading, however didn't feel socially adept enough to participate much.

Then yesterday I blurted out all the OT stuff, felt guilty; didn't want to KILL the thread - so came back and deleted!
But now that I'm invited to threadjack....well that's different.

Different posters have different rules about threadjacking - so I usually reserve my threadjacking for those whom I know don't mind!! Some people SCOLD for threadjacking!!

Have a good night's sleep!

I never had problems fitting in at school. I always had a gang of friends, probably some I should have eliminated at times, but never lacked for socialization. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Before Pep says a word, I just have to say here that upon first meeting her and posting and then emailing with her, I had similar feelings.


Part of it is meeting a new *peer* and not quite knowing what makes them tick along with our not knowing exactly what to expect. It can throw us a little off guard at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



It can be exactly that!

Pep may not remember this, but once I emailed her and said "have I done or said something to upset you?" to which she responded "why would you think that?" and I felt sorta idiotic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Now that I know and understand Pep a little better and even understand myself better (which Pep has helped with) those thoughts never enter my mind.

So don't be embarrassed. I had similar feelings under these gray hairs years ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I don't now.

She's a cool lady just as I know you are. It's really sorta fun to peel back our layers with her. And congratulations... Whether you know it or not, I think you just peeled back a very large one in talking about how this made you feel.

This thread has been interesting for me to follow and relate too as well. I hope you get to know each other better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

t&l,

Something I have found here regarding posters and people in general, is that what they post has less to do with the person they're responding too, and more to do with whatever their issues are that have been triggered unknowingly.

And maybe nothing has been triggered - (they're, we're, I'm) posting as a reflection of me, my history, my background, my knowledge and insight.

Those of us who have been through the kind of trauma like infidelity, find that we only have the power to peel our own onion, we can't peel someone else's; however we can invite other's to peel theirs as well!

Triggers come as a result of the surprising discovery that there's another layer to peel! The layer has to be defined/recognized before you know it's there to peel.

And as a side note - hearing your husband's background as a Viet Nam Vet - God Bless him...that war put many, many layers on those involved. I have enormous compassion for their issues.

What's OT? The only OT I know about is overtime, which I really like on payday, not so much on the actual day I earn it. Somehow I have the feeling MB OT is different...

I don't want to give the wrong idea about my childhood. I was not the village pariah, shunned by all, forced to wear a cloth over my face, and go around calling, "Unclean, unclean," like the lepers in the Bible. I had friends (they were usually the ones getting into trouble with me), and I had fun. And there's the possibility that a lot of it was in my head, too. I would never, EVER have thought that before, but just this last Feb. we went to SoCal for a big Hawaiian reunion. I used to shun these things but over the past 6-8 years or so, I'd taken my folks to several events both in Hawaii and CA, and had found that I had a blast myself. Two years ago, my dad and I went to HI for the 37-yr. reunion of my own class (Why 37 yrs? Good question.), and I spent a wonderful weekend with "kids" that hadn't necessarily been my best buddies in school. One "girl" had started out with me in 1st grade, and we'd known each other since we were 5 years old. In high school we competed over the same guy, who was also there that weekend. She and I had the best time, and spent hours talking to each other. And Mr. Wonderful? He was busy all weekend trying to spread his nectar equally over all the females there. Kinda like high school, now that I think about it.

At any rate, in Feb. I met someone who was a freshman when I was a senior. Do seniors nowadays know all the freshman? They didn't back then, but I at least knew who he was because his dad was also a missionary and I'd see him at workers' meetings, etc. He told me how much he'd admired me when we were in school, but I was "one of the beautiful, unattainable, popular girls." You could've picked my jaw up off the floor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> "Are you sure you're talking about me?" I asked in absolute disbelief. And he was. So maybe my perceptions of youthful outsiderhood were just that--perceptions. It doesn't really matter at this point, because back then, perception was reality, and if it was all imaginary I certainly made myself plenty unhappy over what I thought was going on.

I don't know which would be more depressing--to spend years being unhappy because people didn't like you, or to spend years being unhappy because you thought people didn't like you when they really did and it was all your imagination (and therefore totally unnecessary!).Weird, huh? I'm not sure I like all this self analysis. Anybody want to hear a joke? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Sigh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I slept in until almost 10AM, but now I've got to balance my checkbook,pay bills, wash clothes, clean the kitchen, and make a round-trip 50+ to the bank, so I think I'll delay wading into the Pool of Introspection till later. I'm a little ambivalent about displaying my Humpty Dumpty marriage to all the king's horses and all the king's men. It's an odd one, I'll admit. But HP often tries to do nice things for me (usually things I don't want, while ignoring what I do want, but he tries). He brought me some cantaloupe last night, and gave me a kiss and hug when he got home, then scolded me for not being in bed. Of course, if I HAD been in bed, he'd have wakened me up to say he was home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Neak asked me if MB people had any suggestions for me whether or not I'd even entertain them. I said, "Of COURSE I'll entertain them. I'll invite them in, feed them hot chocolate and cookies, have a nice chat,then wave good-bye to them as I usher them back out the door!" I'm not dogmatically unreceptive to suggestions. It's just that I'm SO not optimistic that anything can be changed here, and I would hate to change the dysfunction that works for a new, improved dysfunction that is well and truly broken. I asked Neak, "Don't you think that people who know your dad and me well cannot figure out why we're still together?" She said, "I can't figure out why you're both still alive!" Ha-ha to you, Neak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

But even if nothing is "fixed," there are still some valuable lessons in the life I have lived. Here a few: (1) You can survive, go on, and thrive even if you lose the one you love. (2) God is with you in your blackest darkness, whether you feel Him or not, even when you don't know (or can't believe) He's still there. (3) When you've screwed up everything (or somebody else has screwed it up for you), God still has a plan just for you. (4) There is joy in doing what is right, even if you don't feel like it. (5) No other human being can "make" you happy; conversely, no other human being can "take away" your happiness or "make" you miserable. How many years it took me to realize that my joy AND my sadness were in my own hands, and depended on my own choices, not on what other people were or weren't doing to me at the time. (I trust I need not say that this is my life's theory, and not something I successfully put into practice every moment of every day? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) (6) Happiness is a sissy emotion, a will-'o-the-wisp thing that floats around at the whim of external circumstances. Nobody's going to be "happy" all the time. Joy, on the other hand, is a gift of God. It is solid, substantial, reliable, and of divine origin. We are entitled to have joy, even when we're unhappy. (Another great theory, which I have been both successful and UNsuccessful at putting into practice...but when it works, it's extremely liberating, and the greatest thing in the world.)

So, enough already. I'm going to move the sprinklers and turn on the A/C before it gets any hotter. I would NEVER have made it as a CA pioneer woman...and with all the clothes those women had to wear, too. Sheesh!

t&l