Don't worry about it. And it doesn't surprise me, either. I was lost in this thread a lot of the time I was LIVING it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I'm not sure this whole clam analogy really works. Underneath a clam's hard outer shell are vast soft innards. Under The Great Clam's hard outer shell are.................hard innards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I'm telling you, that man's layers even have layers. He's like those Russian dolls, or wrapping a gift in successively smaller boxes so that in each box is--you got it! another box. After I nap and get some stuff done, I'll try to dig deeply into the shallows. I don't dig even shallowly into the deeps. If you think I'm afraid MY sharks bite, let me tell you that his will chow me right down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

t&l

P.S. Neak--going shopping this afternoon. What do you want me to pick up? Make a list. Skip the prophylactics and the feminine hygiene products. Seems like all they make these days is a bunch of useless junk anyway that apparently doesn't work worth a diddle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I'm switching to a stockpile of Pampers anyway. At least THEY have a future of usefulness! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The single biggest change I see is that you no longer jump in with two feet and try to conform your loved ones to what you think they should be. In all fairness, what you think they should be is ususally what they should be, but you are content to throw in an occasional $.02 and walk away, praying all the while that God will make use of your $.02 instead of trying to apply them (in liberal detail, perhaps $27.50 worth) yourself. Once you started doing that, I think your $.02 increased in value astronomically, far surpassing the $27.50.

Ah, I was going to suggest diapers, but I see you already beat me to it. Perhaps nursing liners?

As long as you're online, you need to check the sent and received emails in both my boxes, as gellnjen has now been brought in on the fun. Just in case you didn't already know, the password on the contaminated account was changed to qwerty. You'll get a kick out of it.

t&l's message board:

call neaksis

ONLY $27.50?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> You weren't listening a lot of the time, were you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Must've been washed away in the torrential flood of words, back in them thar olden days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Here are two pictures inserted for comic relief...

The Pwetty Pwetty Faiwy Pwintheth

....and....

Pwetty Pwetty Faiwy Pwintheth After... from Flowers Growing in the Beer Garden

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

What a rotten day. Everything took twice as long as it should've and I'm running WAY behind, so our initial exCLAManation is going to be somewhat abbreviated.

There is a character in the famous book Pilgrim's Progress, a man by the name of Implacable, who served on the jury which condemned Faithful to death. I have long thought that HP was a modern-day version of that implacable man, and even told him so once some years back when I was still in my confrontational persona. Implacable was a man whose mind could not be changed. The dictionary defines it as one who cannot be appeased, relentless.

Let me give you one example today, for starters. Neak married less than 3 months after my meeting with MS in WI. Her dad was vocal in his disapproval of the marriage, and said right off the bat that if she did this he would have no part of it, including walking her down the aisle. Having years of experience living with her dad, Neak accepted his decision as the carved-in-stone declaration that it was, and asked her grandpa to do the honors instead. My mother was horrified that Neak's dad wouldn't give her away, and began a campaign with both Neak and me to ask HP to reconsider. I flatly refused, but after sufficient pleading from Grandma, Neak agreed to try. Which, of course, gave her the dubious privilege of having her request shot down in flames a second time. Even after that, my mom kept trying to get one of us to ask him to change his mind, but at that point there were no longer any takers. Implacable. Once he has decided something, his mind cannot be changed, not even by further facts that reveal his initial decision to have been flawed.

Perhaps in business this makes him strong and decisive. I don't know. It's the dickens to live with, though! How do you compromise with HP? You eventually give in and do it his way. That's your part. And his? He graciously refrains from complaining that it took you so long to come to your senses. Sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Neaksis was so enraged by this that she said she wouldn't let him walk HER down the aisle either. However, this anticipated dilemma has been postponed by the fact that Neaksis has never married, and with all those adopted kids may not either, so that particular problem has so far been avoided. He DID attend the wedding, but as an observer only. Still that was less embarrassing than if he'd stayed away entirely, which is what I was afraid he meant to do! Right up until close the end, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

OK, Grandpa's Haircut--coming to a head near me.

t&l

I'm going to bed now. I always lie there and talk to God until I fall asleep. I wanted to tell you about the spiritual blessing I had today but I'm really, really tired and don't know if I could finish it before collapsing on the keyboard. Today has been a burdensome day for me. Maybe it has been especially for some of you too, and tonight as I pray myself to sleep I'll be specially upholding the people of MB to our heavenly Father, with faith in His promise that our names our carried on the breast plate of Jesus our High Priest into the very presence of God, where He interceeds in our behalf before a Father who Himself loves us, and sustains us so that we do not lose our confidence or our reward. Not only that, but since we don't know how to pray for ourselves and others as we ought, the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us "with groanings that cannot be uttered." Romans 8:24-28; Hebrews 10:35,36 Our names are engraved (carved in the nail prints which remain there still) in the palms of His hands and He cannot forget us. Can't remember the text but can provide it on request.

God promises peace in the storm and in danger. Claim it in the name of Jesus. By faith it belongs to you.

God bless...

t&l

That's very sweet, but I'm kind of jealous, too. All year so far I've had to pray sitting bolt upright with my eyes open. Even then I often fall asleep - in the daytime, too. It's not any better with first trimester fatigue, either, let me tell you.

I have a little comment of my own about Mr. Implacable, having lived with him for a goodly share of my life. Most of you have probably heard the funny story about the ship's captain who spied a light, got on the radio and ordered, "Alter your course 5 degrees to the north." To which the reply came back, "Alter your course 5 degrees to the south." They argued back and forth a few times, until the captain impatiently yelled, "I AM THE CAPTAIN OF A BATTLESHIP, AND I AM ORDERING YOU TO ALTER YOUR COURSE 5 DEGREES TO THE SOUTH!" And the infamous calm reply, "Alter YOUR course 5 degrees to the north. I am the lighthouse."

Except if my father were the captain, this story would not end there on that nifty little punch line. Assuming he said anything at all, it would be, "Yeah? Well, Mr. Smarty-pants, you'd better figure something out fast, because I'm on my way!"

For any Dr. Seuss fans out there, he is the essence of Zax.

"But the world didn't stand still,
The world grew.
In a couple of years, the new highway came through.

They built it right over those two stubborn Zax,
And left them there standing,
Unbudged, in their tracks."

Thanks T&L, I appreciate it.

-AD

I think this is where you left off.... just in case. I also believe we have the latest 9 years of your "revealed" life to get thru.

I'n not impatient, just don't want to get lost again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to try to dig clams just a bit more today or tonight, and then we can move forward again. I'll tell you what happened this morning on the way to church, but eating first. Napping second. Prioritizing--always! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

First, in case anybody's curious, the Pwitty Pwitty Faiwy Pwintheth (whose pictures are available a few posts back) is Neak's only-but-hopefully-soon-to-be-oldest daughter, and she weally uthed to thpeak like that.

Second, I guess since I said I'd tell about this morning, I ought to, but it's possible when I do that, that my break will be over before we get any farther into the clam.

We were driving to church this morning in our usual way of travelling together...he was driving. I was reading. The radio was on. We don't ordinarily chat on the way to church. He's a clam. And I've forgotten how to speak the language well. So nothing out of the ordinary was going on. I did tell him several interesting snippets about an article I had just read. I finished my comments, and paused for his response. And, my dear friends, what did the Tar Baby say? What the Tar Baby always says--nothing! So I went back to reading again and was in the middle of something intriguing when he suddenly spoke up. "You always sit on that side of the truck. You never sit in the middle by me unless somebody else is riding and you're forced to."

I quit reading long enough to reply (very pleasantly, really, since I wasn't angry), "You know, I'm going to take as a compliment the fact that you were SO unable to find anything to complain at me about this morning that you're reduced to bring up that old thing again." And I went back to reading.

He was quiet a few seconds, then came back for another try. "And I love all the conversation we're having this morning, too."

I just laughed at him and said, "You've got a lot of nerve to complain about that right after I just told you a whole bunch of stuff without hearing so much as a 'Hm-m-m" back again!"

At which point he began to laugh with satisfaction as he said, "I can still pull your chain, can't I? Hahahahaha."I quit responding then, lest I become genuinely annoyed and tempted to be, um, unfortunately VOCAL--but I thought to myself, "Yeah, you can pull it all you like, but you can't pull it very far, and you can't make me flush." I realize this analogy made me a toilet, but that's alright. I'd been feeling crappy anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think this pretty much exemplifies our marriage state, the way I see it today. I want something different. I want to BE someone different. And to a great extent, he's still bogged down in the same patterns that have served us so poorly over the years. Besides, he doesn't really care if I talk while we drive, and he knows that I'm not going to sit in the middle in the pickup truck, with no place to put my feet, unless I have to because of another passenger. So the whole thing was an exercise in "needlework" to see what kind of reaction he could get out of me. I can only hope that the lack of ballistics was as much of a disappointment to him as it was a pleasure to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OK, clam-delving. I have said before, but will say again: I am not HP-bashing. His character difficulties are generally not the same as mine. I'm not in the business of putting them on a scale to measure out whose are worse. The things he struggles with come from, to a large extent, his childhood traumas. He wants very much to be a faithful Christian. He earnestly desires a home in heaven. But his past has left him with a pathological (IMHO) need to be "in control," and a great difficulty in admitting he's been wrong. (Not that that's my strength exactly, either, but I'm better at it than he is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) He also has an apparent blind spot that prevents him from seeing (or at least acknowledging)the wide gaps between much of what he professes and what he actually does.

I mentioned that once he makes up his mind, he doesn't change it...except on VERY rare occasions, in which he will tell you he's changed his mind. Here are a few of the things he's said to me in the past several years that have never been rescinded, which means they are still a reflection of what he REALLY thinks: (1) "You're going to ******, and anybody who listens to you is going there too." This was during some dispute about my lack of submission, or something like it. I told him I didn't believe he really meant that, because if he did he'd be obligated as a Christian to do everything in his power to rescue our children from my evil spell, as well as people in the church who respect my insights. Hey, where'd everybody go? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I thought we were chatting. He wasn't talking about YOU. You're safe. Really!

(2) "No, of course I don't pray for you. Why should I when you never listen to me?" I'd just told him I prayed for him, and asked him if he did the same for me.

(3) People think you've changed, but you haven't really. You're just the same as you ever were." If that's true, shouldn't he be sleeping with one eye open, just in case I had a relapse? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

(4) "The only reason you stay married to me is so you can have somebody do stuff for you around the house." (He does nothing in maintenance or improvements, although he DOES complain about deterioration!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) When I said, "Well, if that's the case, then I'm really not getting what I want, am I?" and he replied, "No, you're not!" with his arms folded across his chest and a superior smirk on his face.

Enough examples. But this is why I am no longer fooled by superficial "getting along" or "thank you's" or kisses, because I know what he really thinks inside. I'm not lulled into any false sense of security because the waters are placid. I know what monsters lurk under that calm surface, and having made the decision to stay married, I also made the decision not to do anything myself to rile either the water or the dragons that live in it.

My reactions to the above examples are these: (1) He's not the judge of my eternal fate, so his opinion on my destination has no weight in reality. For which I am thankful, believe me. (2) There are others who pray for me, including MS, and his choice to not pray for me does not in any way affect my choice to pray for him. (3) Maybe change, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. My kids know I've changed. That's good enough for me. (4) And if he's proud he's willing to let his house slowly fall apart just to keep from helping me out? I do what I can personally. What I can't I try to farm out to the other testicled individuals in the family. What I can't farm out to them, and can't afford to pay for, I ignore and let it go.

I don't know why he takes these positions. I can recognize butt-headed stubbornness when I see it, even in myself. He seems to think that he's showing strength of character, and having necessary toughness. I don't know. I don't try to figure it out any longer. My opinion, to which I'm as much entitled as anybody who thinks everything is fixable through human counseling and intervention, is that only God is able to deal with what's in this man's heart. And while we wait for divine Love to complete its work, I believe God wants me to love him with the love of Jesus, especially on the days I'm not too fond of him myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, break time is up so I'd better get back to my pt., who for all the world makes me as comfortable to care for her, as a hen would be if she were hatching a grenade. I'm just trying to get out of here before the explosion. If she doesn't have a c-section I'll be very surprised. I've been fluffing her all night, trying to keep everything going right in my happy little nest, but all the while wondering at what second my tail feathers were going to get blown off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Very soon it will be someone else's responsibility. Bummer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I got CENSORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. It wouldn't me say ******! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Do you think I could get whoever did this to come over to my house and censor my husband the next time he tries to tell me he knows where I'm going? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Have you ever tried killing him with kindness?

(ducking)

Precisely what did you THINK I was doing?

I wanted to clarify before I go to bed. When I say I'm not fooled, I just mean I'm not fooled into thinking that periods of "getting along," etc., signal any fundamental change in attitude on his part. No matter how sweet, how cuddly, how benign, things appear on the surface, they are ALWAYS superficial and I know the dragons still lurk below and can reappear on a dime. Betcha didn't know dragons DID dimes, did ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Neither did I, long ago. So I live in the moment, try to keep the peace going as long as possible, and enjoy every single second of it that comes my way. I also do my best not to let his weaknesses become MY problem. I can't fix him. Neither can anybody else, including the Harleys. And he'll go visit somebody about it right after pigs fly, ****** freezes over, the sun rises in the west, and salmon swim downstream to spawn!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Only he can do this, and first he has to want to...and he doesn't. Why should he, when he's right and everybody else is wrong?

Ask my girls if I don't try to be very kind to him. Girls? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> What else can I give him? And how can you not have compassion on a man so walled-off from life that the only meaningful interaction he can have with somebody is to give them unsolicited advice (often misinterpreted as unjust criticism, for some reason! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) But if you ask him something on purpose, he'll often say, "I don't know." Go figure. Control issues. Doesn't mean they have to be my issues too.

Gotta go. It's peaceful around here this morning. The sea monsters must be asleep. I think I'll join them in slumber.

t&l

Thank God I ducked!!!!

Seriously though, I'd like to ask you something for ME.

WH is a clam too. He answered everything with "I don't know" or just stared at me and also said that "there is nothing to talk about!". That's why I'm in plan B (8 months already and the A is still going on, always "in secret", of course).

My question is, why should I want to remain married? When this whole thing started I remember reading some very good reasons which actually stopped me from asking for a divorce and then when I found MB I decided to try the plans. But I have never again found those reasons.

I wrote to Dr. Harley and he answered me a couple of times, and even sent me HNHN, but he wasn't able to give me a convincing answer.

So, maybe you can give me a reason to want to remain married from your experience with a "difficult" kind of husband.

At this moment I am constantly reminding myself that I am committed to a 1 year plan B which means I have to wait until after Xmas. I'm very very tempted to get a lawyer and file for divorce.

CC, your husband would probably become a very different person (for the better) when the A ends. That is the only reason I can see for you to wait. The A will end, the only question being will it happen before or after your last drops of love for your husband are exhausted? I would certainly never want to stay married to the kind of person AJ was during his A. I could hardly stand to stay under the same roof with him for a few months. In your case, since you are out of the drama there is no real hurry. And even if you did divorce, if the aliens gave him his brain back later, you could always remarry.

My dad has not been abducted by aliens. He has been this way for longer than any of us have known him, and barring divine intervention, will die the way he is, too. I would never try to judge his final destination, even when I know him to often do many bad things. Surely God has a great deal of mercy for those who have suffered what he has, even when they don't take full advantage of His healing power.

I was going to post a super-neat photo of Mom last night, but became violently ill instead. I ate canteloupe for supper and took my prenatal vitamin. About 20 minutes later my stomach became suddenly very agitated, and I was very concerned that I might actually throw up for the first time so far. So I made some raisin toast and ate it.

About 5 minutes later I had to run for it. I hope none of you ever get sick right after consuming bread products - they don't return very well. I was straining so hard, mostly unproductively, that I was about to become incontinent as well, so I yelled for help from AJ. The first time he only shouted back, "WHAT?" The second time he finally came in, but couldn't understand what I needed. Finally, eyes bulging out of my head, I cupped my hands together and showed him. The bowl arrived just in time. Whew!

At least I'm much better today, but I think I'll go lie down for a little. Mom, I forgot to send your magazines. Want to come over and get them?