OK, so my scout's honor isn't worth much, but as it turned out I didn't leave the computer quite as quickly as I'd intended to, so found your post when I made one quick LAST check on the way downstairs! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Neak just called from her first OB check. No ultrasound, so I guess the mystery of twins will have to remain a bit longer. Bummer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Although I did offer to do a transvaginal ultrasound on her tonight if she could make it to the hospital. See if we can see anything...

I've now responded to everybody who wrote something "needing" comment. I've answered all the questions, too. BTW, isn't a question (from SS, if I'm not mistaken) how we stumbled into the Saga quicksand in the first place? If only I weren't an Explanationarian, think of all the trouble I could've saved myself over a lifetime!

If I have a chance, I'll spray on the shark repellent and wade back into the Pool of Introspection tonight. Saga-cious Susan will return soon. Scout's honor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

ok, but I'm going to sleep in about 1 1/2 hours. That's MY bedtime....

You should've heard the later conversation I had last evening with Neak when I re-discussed the transvaginal ultrasound!! "The WHAT? How do they do that?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

"Um, quite a bit like it sounds. You know, transvaginal ultrasound. That's what I was talking to you about before."

"Well, it may have been what YOU were talking about, but it certainly wasn't what I was talking about!"

Sometimes I suspect that girl really doesn't pay that much attention to what I say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think I've been sprinkling my pearls before an oink oink!

t&l

P.S. And we still don't know if it's twins.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Mr. Comeonbabylightmyfire was too tired to make the trip to the hospital, so the mystery continues. And if he played with kerosene after he got home, I'm going to be peeved. I think he just doesn't want to know because he said he'd kill himself if there were two. When he said it, I told him, "Why bother now that it's too late? You shoulda thought of that before!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So we left Ms. DroozlePuss on the way back home again, and in a very unhappy frame of mind, too. Hard to believe it was only 9 yrs. ago. Seems like a lifetime to me.

When Neak, Neabro, and Flard were little, we moved to CA so HP could teach at a little church school in the mountains. Neaksis was born about a year after we arrived. Personally, I think it was the water. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'm an OB nurse. I know these things! I worked at the local hospital, and by then had been a nurse around 8 yrs. All the glamor, the "glow," the mystique, of doctors was long since gone from my mind. I'm pretty sure most of the nurses felt the same. That is, until Dr. DAP arrived on the scene. All the "regular" doctors were your average middle-aged, somewhat dumpy, bland guys. Dr. DAP was young, 6'4", blond, handsome, funny, and Swedish--with the most intriguing accent.

I found it to be quietly hysterical to watch the other nurse drool over that man, talk about him incessantly at the nurses' station, and kiss up to him majorly every time he walked through the place. I thought they were SO funny, and held myself aloof from all the hubbub, until one day one of my (married) nursing school classmates, who happened to have moved to the same town before we got there, confided in me. She said that she was surprised to find herself having romantic/sexual fantasies about Dr. DAP. I don't remember what I said to her about it. Probably something noncommittal. Certainly nothing memorable enough to still have in my mind 28 years later. What I DO remember is that when she made that confession, she unintentionally planted an idea in my unwilling mind...and suddenly I found myself also fantasizing about Dr. DAP. I was absolutely <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> at myself, let me tell you!

But I also discovered that I had learned my lesson well with the whole inmate fiasco. And when these thoughts began appearing in my head, I immediately set about to root them out. As soon as a fantasy began, I would stop and pray, "Lord, you know I don't want these thoughts in my head. They are not what I really want to think. Please take them away, and keep my mind and heart pure for Jesus' sake."

It took about 3 months before the fantasies stopped, but during that time I never entertained them even once. (No chocolate chip cookies for THOSE puppies!) As soon as one occurred, I challenged it in the name and power of Jesus, and didn't give any of these ideas time to take root and grow. Eventually, Dr. DAP and his wife and I became very good friends. He is the doctor that delivered Neaksis, and his wife's grand piano and beanbag are the ones which received Neakbro's unfortunately curious explorations to see how they worked, that I wrote about earlier on this thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So when I came back to CA after meeting MS for the first time in 27 years, I already had some experience in meeting and overcoming temptation in that particular area. Here we come to what seems to me to be a ticklish area. I already said at the beginning that there are certain areas I'm not going to talk about, stories that aren't mine to tell. But it's hard to explain my own actions without them, either, and I'm not quite sure how to pull it off. Be sympathetic with my dilemma, especially if it seems I'm not explaining enough to make things clear.

Let me just say this. If I had wanted to do so, I believe I could've left the marriage at this point with a clear conscience, and legitimately pursued another avenue in search of happiness. Although MS said nothing inappropriate, not directly, nor even in hints, I still understood clearly that he had never forgotten me, and that what affection had been there before, was there still. After 25 miserable years with the Great Clam, even the possibility of actually being CHERISHED by someone was extraordinarily powerful in its attraction to me.

It wasn't so much that I wanted us two 48-yr. olds to get together again. What I really wanted was for us to be 21 once more, with love and our whole lives ahead of us...but with my same children, of course. THAT should go without saying. You surely didn't think I'd give them up for some man, did you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I felt like somebody who suddenly woke up to find herself in the middle of a barren desert wasteland, burning in the sun, thirsty as the dickens, and there was a barb wire fence around the blasted oasis! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

End of shift. Time to quit before some administrative person arrives and catches me on the computer. I shall return. You can trust my scout! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

ok. trusting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm reading, just in case you felt lonely.

Twins are not that bad -
This ........12 years after the fact - and I was quoting my W, it's not the raving of a guy who doesn't understand. (Though I am sure I do not.)

Twins are double trouble, but double fun too. Ours are girls, and they spoil their dad. I like it though, so I let them do it.

Still reading, still thinking, still interrested, and hoping for that miracle for you - like the one we got.

Take him to Hawaii, and tell him it's alright to have fun - and it's even alright to act like you are having fun. Then wink at him. Even if he won't pick up on it, you can enjoy teasing him about it.

Yes, still reading.......

SS

Tell it to Neak. I wanted twins myself, but the closest I got was 2 little harum-scarum boys 16 months apart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the reassurance. I saw that you'd posted on a thread higher up the food chain (on pg. 1), and thought, "Hmph! SS is online and didn't write to me!" Which made me laugh a few minutes later when I found myself (on pg. 2) and saw that you'd made a public declaration of your reading-ness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. Neak is supposed to post some pictures of Baby Yoda Lina today, but I guess she's been busy. Maybe I can do something for her when I take groceries to her house later, so she'll have time to scan and post for me!

I changed how many threads are on my page 1, so you are always on page one for me.

I post a line or two as I can, but remember, I am at work too, and honesty requries I do SOME work while I am here.

I am married to my employer, and she is married to hers, so we have it a little easier than most (as far as honesty in the work place) but still, I need to work often - sometimes even more.

Hope your children and Grandchildren are all well today. Spiritially, as well as emotionally and physically.

SS

Boy, did I ever quit this morning just in time?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Walked back to the front just in time to meet the unit manager coming in. Even though the chief of OB for Kaiser showed us how to get online on the Kaiser computer, and said it was OK to use it, I can't imagine our manager being happy to find us wandering down the streets of CyberLand! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, I see I'm exactly where we left me earlier today--perched uncomfortably upon the horns of my dilemma. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> What to do? What to do? We weren't talking about a little side fling this time around. We were talking about flat-out getting up and leaving for good. Neaksis, at 17, was the youngest. I didn't need to stay for the sake of small children. I certainly didn't want to be there any longer. The temptation to take a chance on something different, and maybe better, was almost irresistible in its overpowering appeal.

So why didn't I go? Not sure, even now. Inertia. Fear of the unknown. The disappointment of my children and parents. Unwillingness to give HP the opportunity to say, "See, I knew all along I couldn't trust you!" Who knows? Probably some combination of them all. I do know that in the 3-4 months it took me to be comfortable with my decision to remain married, I had a time of great mental turmoil. Generally things erupted in the van, since it was the only place I could ever be actually alone. I remember crying many times, and banging my hand on the steering wheel, saying, "Oh, God, I don't want to do this any mo-o-o-o-o-o-re!"

But the Bible says, "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against God." And when these waves of rebelliousness and despair hit, I would quickly begin repeating the following text. "I delight to do thy will, O my God; Yea, thy law is within my heart." And I just couldn't make myself believe that leaving was God's will, or what He wanted me to do. So I sought through prayer (not a single prayer, either, but overandoverandover again) to find, not just resigned and begrudging acquiescence, but delight in doing whatever God wanted from me.

The reason for this effort was, I think, that once I had decided to stay (which happened very early on), I knew I couldn't have my body in one place with one man while my mind wandered off somewhere else with another. And the whole experience involving Dr. DAP had already showed me that it was possible to successfully combat mental temptations, even ones to which I would like to surrender. (Not the case with Dr. DAP, but certainly the case this time around!) I have done such a good job (in God's power, of course!) of this that I am at a place now where I CAN'T fantasize about MS any more. First place, I only allow myself to think about him in prayer. It's hard to work inappropriate fantasies into prayer! It really is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> MS's parents are dead; his siblings are not believers. When EsWa die, there will be few--possibly nobody--left who will pray for him, and so I've committed myself to be his faithful pray-er, and Neak and Neaksis after me if I should die before he does. Second place, even when I try, I can't think about him anymore, which is what has made this whole excursion into the past feel so very odd to me. I do this sometimes just for fun, now that I realize that my mind has been trained in a certain bent. I'll tell myself it's OK to reminisce just a little bit this one time. So I'll start thinking about how we first met, or some other scene from our shared history. Invariably I'll find that within a minute or less, my mind has wandered off onto some other subject, and I'll discover I'm thinking about bills or work or scheduling or any one of a wide variety of other topics...but not MS and the past. And I do it unconsciously, with no awareness of the transition. It's very weird, but boy is it effective!

Unfortunately, my creditors won't accept snippets of the Saga in payment for my bills, so I'm going to wander off into the family's financial maze and try to tidy up a bit. Have a great weekend. I'll try to be back tomorrow night at work, if the nice laboring ladies aren't screaming too loudly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

t&l

You can DO that? I had no idea. But then, I'm a CyberDodo, so nobody should be surprised.


How impertinent would it be to ask what type of self-employment you do? HP is a very good employee, but when in the past he's tried to be the boss of himself he gave himself way too many breaks!! A person has to have a very special kind of self-discipline to be his own boss.

I hope my daughters and grandkids are well today, too, but I haven't seen anybody yet to ask. I know my sons are spiritually sick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, but physically they're plugging along just fine. I'm really not a very good pray-er, but in my life circumstances I'm surely getting a lot of chances to learn!!!!!!!!!!!

t&l

Was that

THE END

????????

or is there more? Did you ever see MS again? I think there is some more...

Nope.


You would be right. There IS more. This is the most interminable story I've ever told! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I have seen him twice since 1996. Once was unexpected, the other was expected, and yet wasn't, in a most unexpected way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Didn't want to t/j AD's thread. I can't wait until I feel up to going back and reading your story. Thank you for the prayers and for thinking of me.

Phew!

I'm glad that wasn't the end, because it was nice but like there is no closure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I can't wait till you feel better, too, whether or not you ever go back and wade through the Pool of Introspection! You and your children are your important things, and should be your main focus. Although if you do read my story, I hope the one thing you come away with is that with God there is always a way to keep on going. There is no such thing as a dead end, although there sure are a lot of spots that FEEL like a dead end. Not just dead. Long dead. Encased in concrete. Buried under an avalanche of rocks. You get the idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Yet somehow, a way of escape will still appear for you, and when you simply cannot hold onto Him any longer, do what I do. I ask Him to hold onto me and not let go. And He does. There's no other reason than that, that I'm still alive, since I've had suicidal impulses on multiple occasions over the years. God hangs on TIGHT!

t&l

Neaksis HATES closure. The word, that is. But the nice thing about this story is that I eventually got it, by whatever name you want to call it. In the end, everything came full circle for me. Things fit into the right places, and started to make sense. Not completely, perhaps, but enough. And because I got c-l-o-s-u-r-e ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Neaksis!), I was finally able to let go at last.

t&l

Well, guess what? The Roil Princess has a mother, Her Roil Highness. She feels both wretched, and retched. Today she's apparently spent the whole time sailing the high quease. Finally she decided to try and soothe her stomach with a chocolate milk shake, only to find out with the first large swallow that the milk was sour. That was hours ago, but it seems she's never really recovered from that, and got all hyperswallow-y just trying to tell me about it. I got a little nervous trying to post with her standing over the waste basket behind me, making like a bunch of geese, and gaggling. E-e-e-e-ew.

So no Baby Yoda Lina today. I guess the ears will have to keep. Her husband's no help either since he's got digestive issues at 'tother end. That does it. I'm leaving while I still feel fine! I'm pooped, too, but only in a fatigued sort of way. Let's keep it like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

hi just siting down in a moment of peace - rare these days - to read your thread...need SOME adult interaction even if it indirect!! ..lol

Being SO happy is wearing thin at times but A2 is rather wearing at the best of times, cute I give you, funny at times I give you, but intense.

A complicated confusing man that one. Will read Augustus' Comentaries in latin and then - this from those who were there - in the middle of a battle get a two up school together telling the participants 'because you can't take it with you mate" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So maybe its only me that questions his behaviour ... and he still wotn change nappies unles he has no other option ..that me, DD, mum, sister, the woman next door......
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Sour chocolate milk shakes? EEEWWWWWW I think I'm gonna chunder...... NOW that thought makes me queasy, wheres the bucket???? yuck yuck
Got a beeping cold or sinus thingy as well .... had no problems and now ..just turns Spring and POW!! Lucky it seems to clear up afer a few hours.

Its so QUIET around here its freaky!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Aussieswife! I've been following your posts on Idiotville for a very long time, What a pleasure to meet you in cyberperson. And Mikey! Are you sure he's not part moose? Let's hope Neak isn't going to try and beat your personal best. Her great-grandma had a 13-pounder. He was #8, and by that time even her stretch marks had stretch marks. Still, by the time she passed him, I'll bet she'd figured out something humungous this way comes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


So true, but being unhappy can be pretty doggone wearing, too!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


How does the woman next door feel about this?!



Do you think I should ditch the thunder, and change my sign-on to chunder and lightning instead? What a picture THAT produces in the old imagination. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What would a chundercloud look like? And when the lightning struck...whooooeee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for stopping by. I've been glad to see things going better for you, even if they're doing it in a complicated, intense way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l