Wow! T&L, you wrote a long reply to me. Now I've go to read carefully and actually think. Tomorrow? OK? Remind me. Your post triggered some disconnected memories which probably have nothing to do with your situtatiou, but still are whirling 'round my mind intefering with a responsible response.

Like for instance, my Dad was in the navy. Let's start with that. There are letters - an entire box of them - not 10 feet from where I now sit - in my closet. These letters were written by a number (up to 8 or so) girls (women, ladies) to him - mostly while he was in the Navy.

One of them, T&L, never married.

I found this out when, after going through this large packet of letters, I had in mind to find out if any of these ladies kept his letters which would be infinitely more interesting to me that theirs. So, one lady had an unusual name - and she was from Amarillo - which wasn't that huge in 1945, so I looked up the directory - hoping to find her brother or some such - and found her - still listed in her maiden name! I called, but not her, a man's name. The man turned out to be her nephew. I gave him a general outline of my goal - that I was just looking for letters that might tell my father's view of the war in the Pacific. The nephew confirmed that the aunt never married - opined that it would be OK to contact her. I could not work up the nerve to write to her or call her. Probaly she has died by now - as this was 7 or 8 years ago.

I don't know what that has to do with your situation - but I wonder how much alike were your letters and hers? She fully expected him to come to Amarillo as soon as he got back from the Phillipines. He didn't. Several months later, he did go to visit, briefly. Then she came over once to Tuscaloosa (where he was in the University). The thing is, there are letters from several ladies in that box, and he didn't marry any of them.

Different story.

Sorry. See, I got distracted when I remember all that.

I'll get back to your story tomorrow.

-AD

Oh, and Hi to all the rest of the clan - Neak, congratulations again! A.J. BE A GOOD BOY NOW. If you mess up and end up D'ed, your child-support payments will be ENORMOUS.

-AD

Yes it could. I can think of 10 ways in 10 minutes. Probably you could too.

But since I'm tired, I won't tell you any of them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.

OK, if you insist, I'll tell you one.

TSYTWY might have become a lot like HP - and then you wouldn't have any dreams left. If you had married him, you would have been the same spoiled girl - expected to be waited on - and we dont' even know what he would have expected at that time.

Taking that fork in the road would have changed him. Now, I have to say this delicately, but well, you know - back then - you were, you know, not, well... the, um, most - eh - mature and wise young lady. You would have had problems (as 100% of couples do) and who knows who he or you would have turned out to be.

-AD

You disagree with this. That's OK with me. It's all right for us to come to differing conclusions on the same issue. But I haven't really told anybody here what I consider the worst of the mess of our lives. Not going to, either. I'm not trying to convince anybody, including myself, that if I'd only married the "right" man, my live would have been nothing but unending years of sunlight and song. I'm perfectly willing to accept that MS and I might have made an alternative form of "bad." Let's leave it at that.


I'm not sure I believe this either. If I did, then I would be the primary variable in his life's formula that produced, precipitated, steered, etc., the change. Since's he's a happy man without me, but might have become like HP with me, would I have to think then that unhappy HP with me would've been a happy man without me? That's a lot of responsibility to lay on a pair of aging, already-overburdened shoulders. I replied to you in 2 segments, both longish, and several days apart. I think it was in the first one (not positive) that I said I have concluded that these 2 men made of themselves what they were going to be anyway, and that I didn't have to be blamed for the discontent of one, nor take credit for the happiness of the other. Both of them had many childhood traumas, not the same, but still of similar severity. How they dealt with these things themselves is what has made the difference in how they look at life as they approach their 60s. If MS were going to have turned out like HP, he didn't need ME in his life in order to do it.



And the dreams I have left now are?


From the time I was a little girl--immature, foolish, impulsive, even stupid--one thing I have always been, which may very well be hard for people to believe, given some of the details of the Saga, is intensely, passionately, desperately loyal to my friends and loved ones. Do you have any idea how bad things have to get in order for that loyalty to be shaken? (as it obviously was, during the living of the Saga) Probably not. But even when I was a pampered girl, I still was as loyal as loyal could be. And I would've brought that loyalty into a marriage to MS, along with a love that was all for him, and not divided up with somebody else.

My marriage to HP started with so many hidden strikes against it, some of them mine, but many of them his, which we haven't talked about and won't. Those problems were absent between MS and me. Therefore, my belief that different bad would certainly have been an option...perhaps even a likelihood. But the same mess as I made here? No. In my own way, and in spite of my own mistakes, I have had a tenacious loyalty to HP. Although I lost it temporarily (and flamboyantly, it must be acknowledged) along the way, yet I regained it sufficiently to carry me through many difficult years. If I know myself at all, I have to believe that I would not have given less loyalty to MS, nor would not have tried as hard or harder to make that marriage work, than I have done here for going on 34 years.

I would've had to grow up and get old no matter who I married, or if I married at all. It's not like I was going to get to keep the Japanese aunties on tap my whole life, after all!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> This just happens to be the way I did it.

t&l

Well, if MS spends eternity ducking and weaving, trying to dodge me, at least I'll know why! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


No computer guru. That would be Neakbro. These computers are for our new fetal monitoring system, which goes "live" sometime next month, by which time everybody has to know how to work them, and how to do all their charting on computer instead of paper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure it'll be one of those things what will be great once you learn it, since I type much faster than I write, and like it better, too--but the first part of a big change like that is always difficult.

t&l

You be careful, now. Just because I own a large life insurance policy in your name doesn't mean I want to use it.

t&l

Ask MS. He told me once long ago that my letters are kept in a safety deposit box, and that "from time to time" he gets them out and reads them again. I have no letters from him. My safety deposit box was the top dresser drawer in my parents' spare bedroom, until my mother took it up herself to "protect" my struggling marriage by burning my past. Didn't work, by the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's too bad, because simply as historical records of the times in which we lived, they would have been interesting down the line. I would love to re-read what I wrote to him, simply to re-examine my youthful mind and attitudes from the vantage point of adulthood. Was I anything like what I remember myself to have been? Just like I'd love to read my own labor records from my 4 deliveries, and see it through the eyes of an experienced L&D nurse. They probably weren't as long and as awful as they seemd to be when I was having them. Nor as interminably slow, either, now that I understand the normal progress of labor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You should consider contacting her, if she's still alive. Goodness knows she won't be if you wait a lot longer. I've got this insatiable curiousity about people, which is why I'd do it. And it she loved him, it might be meaningful to her to meet his son. Besides, most people consider it validating to get to talk about their lives, and the older we get, the more precious our memories become, and the fewer people there are with whom we can share them.

t&l

NEAKSIS.................


Who is 27 years old today. Maybe we'll post her picture later today, and call it "Lovely Blossom, Withering Unplucked Upon the Vine of Life." But only if she promises to still feed us the supper she's going to be working all day to prepare for the celebrants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And also, only if what she's wearing tonight won't clash with the shade of purple she'll turn if we put her picture online. Especially with that particular caption. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l, extremely youthful mother of rapidly-aging children <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, a big Happy Birthday to Neaksis!! And, to think that she's having to prepare her own birthday dinner! Oh, well...maybe she'll get lots and lots of presents!

t&l, we have something in common! I'm also an extremely youthful mother of rapidly-aging children. Today is my son's birthday. He is 34 and BALD! LOL!

And Saturday is my birthday...and unfortunately, I can't reverse the digits on my age this time, or for the next 4 birthdays after that! Bummer! Oh, well, in 2011, I will be Sweet 16 again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

On her 16th birtday she had about 30 or so friends and family, and planned, prepared, and engineered the whole thing herself. So at 27, this little party today is peanuts. I GAVE HER MONEY FOR THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't that count? For something? And I'm babysitting this afternoon. On my one actual day off! And I got her a present from me, and another one "from" her adopted kids, which they will see for the first time this afternoon so they can't blab ahead of time about what it is. How much more does anyone expect? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />




Yeah, September 15th was once a very painful day!


Is he married? Would he like to be a GIFT? Tell him not to worry about his hair. Neaksis is bald, too.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That would make me 75 years old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> No offense to anybody already 75, but I'm not prepared for that quite yet. It will come soon enough! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

>It will come soon enough!

If'n yore young'uns don't kill you first.

>Neaksis is bald, too.

(gort, which is a giggle and a snort at the same time)

HBD, Neaksis. I think you need to buy yore momma a gift. After all, she's the reason you're here!

HBD to T&L. You done good, momma.

- Kimmy

Give 'em credit. They're doing their BEST!!!!!!!!!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />



Tell you the truth. I gorted myself, when I wrote it.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Here, here! A woman of sagaciousness and perspicacity! Listen up, Neaksis. She knoweth whereof she speaketh. I waiteth to receiveth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You wanna wash my dishes again? I'm afraid of them.



You made me get tears in my eyes! After a lifetime of screwups, I must rejoice that I can look at my children with pleasure in who they are...especially the girls, who have held to their faith, and whose hearts are at least as kind now as I'd like to believe mine is becoming.

t&l

P.S. In mere moments from now I will make the final click for non-transferable, non-refundable tickets for HP, my dad, and me to go to HI next month. I hope everybody's satisfied! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He said yes???????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You could interpret it that way, as long as you're fluent in both TarBaby and Clam! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Neaksis,

Please wash your momma's dishes. After XXXX hours in labor with you, pushing out your big head, it's the least you can do.

(T&L, you'll have to fill in the hours in labor)

How come you're online, which means you're at home (to say nothing of the fact that there's no way you will have gotten your grandpa out of the house this quickly), but nobody will answer EITHER phone?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

t&l

4,892--give or take a millenium or two! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Happy birthday Neaksis! We all seem to be part of the family now.
Tell us what we're having for supper!

Yeah. That's what I thought. Seemed like that long each time I was in labor.

t&l,

You could interpret it that way, as long as you're fluent in both TarBaby and Clam!

t&l


I of course am fluent in both!! And in my case still waiting for an answer from my father as to whether or not he's coming here to visit in 2 weeks!!!

And I'm especially happy that you are going on VACATION! It is vacation isn't it???? Or would it be only if.....(fill in the blank)!