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Wow,
I thought you were getting a vacation.

It's hard to believe how much you can get done, and you do it when you are not feeling well too. Totally impressed.
Tell AJ you want a raise.

I laughed when you said your sister was the one cracking the whip. I would have thought she would want a rest too.

Hope T&L and her two charges have a nice restful flight this time. Sounds like the trip was a good one (for the most part.)

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Apparently it went a bit downhill today, but she has the solution to prevent that next time. (Contained in the email that hasn't been posted yet.)

It was hard not chortling on here before about what we were doing, but she tried to sneak on MB to read really quick early each morning, and I didn't dare.

You would have been even more impressed to see the size of the rocks. ***brag, brag brag*** It was very good for me, though. Physically I have degenerated all year long, and while the first 3 days of slavery almost killed me, by the end I feel very built up for the first time in oh, 10 months or so. Tomorrow or the next day I'll probably go back to the river and start getting rocks for my house. Once started, I'm unstoppable!!!

That was Neaksis' idea of a vacation.

Hey AJ, I want a raise.

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Tomorrow or the next day I'll probably go back to the river and start getting rocks for my house. Once started, I'm unstoppable!!!

We built a rock wall on one side of our house. We would gather rocks from all over when we were out traveling. (Volcanic rock - the black stuff.) I think we have rocks from two or three states, and 4 or 5 counties.

Remind me to never get in your way when you are in a hurry.

Hope everyone there is doing well today. It is so good to see you doing better day by day.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Wow, I don't think I have THAT much ambition. Of course, having kids does help. Mine sure looked cute toddling along on little skinny legs, hauling rocks as big as mine.

You probably don't want to be in my way, that is correct, for I am like a bulldozer, albeit a bulldozer that still tires rather quickly. Neaksis, on the other hand, is like trying with outstretched hands to stop a meteor.

We are doing well, and thank you. We are discussing a few difficulties we had, but just in dribbles because AJ has been working so far away. Nothing terrible, just a trigger that we each need to understand a bit more about, and learn the feelings of each other. Opportunities to practice communication...

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We are discussing a few difficulties we had, but just in dribbles because AJ has been working so far away. Nothing terrible, just a trigger that we each need to understand a bit more about, and learn the feelings of each other. Opportunities to practice communication...

As you know from your mothers story, communication is important for closeness.

When there is communication, when hearts are shared, when we can speak our mind and have our feelings be important to our mate, we are happier. More than that though, we work through our problems, and we get closer, and closer.

It's trust, as much as it is love. They are so interelated. You can't really love someone whom you fear, or who does things which you fear.

Sometimes we fear the communication itself. We are afraid the outcome will be bad, so we avoid difficult subjects. That never leads to increased love or increased trust.

Very glad you see communication as an opportunity.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Neak,

20 weeks is great! You're not having morning sickness are you still?

I'm so impressed with the surprise you have waiting for t&l! It's so wonderful all the small helpers feel they are part of the surprise too! Your family is very fortunate.

I've been meaning to ask you....did you and AJ ever fill out the EN questionnaires? Reason I ask is that when my husband and I filled them out, we learned so much about ourselves and each other.

My husband in particular had a top EN that he didn't know about consciously, and by bring it to both of our attention, it has helped tremendously. Communication was definitely enhanced as a result!

The LB questionnaire is difficult however. SH had us fill them out, but asked us not to share it at the time. We have yet to review it. Basically SH said if we worked hard on meeting each other's top 5 ENs, we might find that the LBs melted away.


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CSue,
How are you doing after the trauma of last week?

I've been thinking about some of the other things you have talked about. Maybe you ought to review the love busters. (grin)

Love busters were the main problem in our M. Needs were being met, but the bank was drained away by the LB's.

BTW, I think you should follow SH's directions, I am just thinking and typing.

I WOULD like to know if you are doing better. Also if you were able to talk to him about it without getting flustered.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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Hope T&L and her two charges have a nice restful flight this time.

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently the Spawn made the return flight with us as well. Fortunately, this time I was awake for the whole flight and reading a book (War Reporting for Cowards), so it didn't interfere with anything but my disposition. Partway through, its mother walked up the aisle with it screaming bloody murder over her shoulder, and I never saw or heard from it again. I think she tossed it out a window. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I need an extreme fatigue emoticon. It's after midnight and I've still got to drive home from Neak's house, but I'm back and I'm here in one piece, albeit a slightly larger piece than I was when I left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Since they wanted their work to be a surprise, it's a good thing Neak and Neaksis didn't say anything about what they were doing, because I DID log on every morning early and see what was going on, even if I didn't post. I can't believe the amount of work they did. All I can say is, I didn't get them nearly enough presents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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D-day, minus one.................................

Well, your dad is running true to form and becoming annoying one day before the vacation ends!! I use the internet only with permission, and for brief periods of time, generally very early, very late, or when nobody's home. I got permission to use it (to send the email) from the gentleman of the house, apparently at one time the highest-ranking NCO on the island. It's dialup, so it takes a few minutes to log on. It also takes a few minutes to get everybody's email address entered, one of the main reasons being that after every 2 addresses it boots me to the subject line, and I have to erase what I've done and migrate back to the address box...all by scrolling, which I'm not very good at. Give me the good old-fashioned tools every time. (By that I mean a regular mouse, for all of you who were visualizing a carrier pigeon.) I was ready to click on the LAST name in the address box, when the voice of authority was heard from the breakfast table, "You'd better turn that that thing off." I complained (somewhat bitterly, it must be confessed) that I was just ready to be done anyway and telling me I needed to hurry wasn't going to speed things up a bit. I sent the email, logged off, then resumed writing the above paragraph. I was almost done with it when the voice returned, "That's an awfully long address." "I'M OFF THE INTERNET ALREADY. I'VE BEEN OFF FOR FIVE MINUTES!! (There are people who might say I've been "off" for years. We'll just ignore them!) How is it my fault that you can't see me right next to you get up, unplug the computer from the phone, and plug the phone back in?" I think my travelling trip secret from now on, should we ever vacation together again, will be to tell him a departure day, but secretly plan for me to leave ONE DAY BEFORE, so I'm outta there while he's still in a good mood!

EVENING, WHILE GP IS SHAVING.........................

Actually, your dad hadn't even BEGUN to become annoying when I wrote the previous paragraph. I just didn't know it yet. When it was time to leave for the Ala Moana shopping center he decided he didn't want to go and "would just stay home." Naturally this put a kink in whatever sightseeing I would like to have done on that side of the island, so I was initially extremely peeved. However, I've come to the conclusion that, although I think it's stupid to spend a whole day in Hawaii sitting on the couch, it was really just as well that he didn't go. I hate to shop. Love to spend money, but hate to shop. In stores. I like catalogue shopping and internet stuff. Point and click. That's me. But to have had to drag him (protesting the trip, and prodding the shopper) through Hilo Hattie's and Long's, when I already didn't like being there myself...well, that would've been even less fun than it was already. Besides, I think your GP liked it being the 2 of us, since he could walk along beside me and talk, instead of following behind like Honorable Chinese Wife. We ate lunch at TacoBellPizzaHut and since there were only 6 seats for customers in the whole place, I had your GP wait right next to the chairs soon-to-be-vacated by a father and his young daughter. After we had taken their places, and finished our lunch, we were walking along the sidewalk when I noticed the seat of my pants felt very damp. I have wondered ever since just what that little girl did in the seat before I sat there, but have been afraid to sniff my jeans for fear I'll find out!

The food fair was incredible. Plus there were a lot of people I knew, including my 4th grade teacher, who recognized me immediately. I'm not sure why. I wasn't misbehaving at the time, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only 4th-grader with wrinkles, fat, and gray hair, but she pegged me without missing a beat. Kinda scary. We had barbecue sticks (for which I am bringing home the recipe, and which I expect to be used soon...and often!), corn dogs, pie, smoothies, and afterwards we stopped by the Dole Pineapple plantation for "dessert." Would you believe I actually went through Haleiwa and passed by the shaved ice stand without making a purchase because I DIDN'T CARE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so disappointed your dad didn't bring the camera along to tonight's meal. Sorry, but I guess you won't get to look at this one, but you can kinda get an idea about it byseeing my profile when I get home.

Well, it sounds like GP is done. How oddly expeditious of him to be finished so soon. I wonder if he got both sides of his face. I'm pretty much packed, so will sign off on this journal for now and rejoin you all soon from the other side of the Big Pond. Aloha oe.


How bad is this when I have to fly all the way across the ocean (and boy, are my arms tired! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) and post my own emails! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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Oops, I did it again. I am only 19 weeks. I keep losing track and adding on another week half way through the first week. Maybe time is just passing too slowly. ?? I guesss my subconscious figures that way I'll be done in half the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> At any rate, I feel super, especially after a week of the Neaksis Fitness Program.

Last night was funny. She didn't notice anything when we drove up, except that walking back and forth to carry the suitcases in the side door she saw that the woodpile had been neatly restacked and the porch was clean and swept. She didn't see the rest until she backed the car around to take me home, and her headlights swept the front yard. Just as Neaksis suspected, the pruned rosebushes caught her attention first, then the mowed lawn, then the weeded, fabricked, sculpted, and rocked flower bed. "Did you guys even go home while I was gone?"

What is actually more exciting to me than how nice Mom's house looks now, is that I know how to do all the cool stuff I've wished I could do to make my house look nice. I will have to take before and after pictures.

Thanks for reminding me about the EN ?naire. I had printed it out for AJ during the A, fully understanding that he would never do it and it was only for the gesture value. Since then it has flitted through my mind a few times that it was time, but never when I could do something about it. And of course I had always forgotten by the time I could. It would be very helpful to me to see where things stand now, and likely he would find it a useful tool, too.

Well, it's supposed to rain, so I'd better go batten down the hatches.

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She didn't notice anything when we drove up, except that walking back and forth to carry the suitcases in the side door she saw that the woodpile had been neatly restacked and the porch was clean and swept.

No, first I immediately noticed that the 2 flower pots were back to sitting on either side of the the steps, and once I got close enough to them, I also noticed that the flowers looked both livelier and more plentiful than when I left (as in it wasn't just those scraggly snapdragon leftovers, and the new plants had actual green leaves and blossoms). At the same time, I also noticed that the shingles left over from roofing were no longer strewn around the ground under the work area. I vaguely noted that the porch looked swept around the door, but until I looked out towards the yard, hunting for the door mat, I didn't realize that the whole thing was clean. I didn't see the woodpile till later (it was dark) on another trip out for a suitcase. They worked VERY hard, including Neak's little ones. Neaksis' kids are in regular school during the day, so they didn't "get" to help. Frankly, I think 3 little kids "helping" on a job like that is about as much assistance as any adult could possibly need. Possibly more.

They actually don't know the full extent of what they've done for me, since nobody really knows how very badly I always hate leaving for work every evening and coming back every morning to the weeds, and debris, and sad flower beds, and scraggly lawn...but there's nothing I can do about it so I just try and pretend it doesn't exist. And now it doesn't! How cool.......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you very much, girls, for your wonderful idea, and for your generous, diligent effort, without which your wonderful idea would've been just a, well, an idea--and as busy as I am, even I can get those!!!!!!!!!!

So many jobs to do today before I have to leave for work, not the least of which is balance the checkbook...which shouldn't be hard because I think it's empty! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. And I only gained 2 pounds. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> In 6 days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Extrapolate that over a year, and it makes about 100 pounds, doesn't it? Good thing the visit was short. Or else I need to live in a culture where fat is a sign of beauty, as well as an indication of prosperity. I should be so lucky! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

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CSue,
How are you doing after the trauma of last week?

I've been thinking about some of the other things you have talked about. Maybe you ought to review the love busters. (grin)

Love busters were the main problem in our M. Needs were being met, but the bank was drained away by the LB's.

BTW, I think you should follow SH's directions, I am just thinking and typing.

I WOULD like to know if you are doing better. Also if you were able to talk to him about it without getting flustered.

SS

SS, so much to say.....but I'm trying to practice "self-control"! One of the gifts I received from all I learned during the process of recovery, is how to cope without harming others. Through journaling, (2 l's or 1 l? in journaling), practicing journalling...can't decide which looks right!

Through WRITING in a journal - I can dump garbage heaps of emotional baggage, and not harm another soul! In addition, I walk 3 miles everyday, and on certain days I can really move with great energy. My coping skills are greatly improved. God has blessed me in this way!!!

What I found out a few days ago, when I could bring myself to ask peacefully was whether or not he noticed Miss America, before she appeared before us with her breathy "Hi".

And his answer was "Yes". That answer brought on a whole NEW need to exercise my coping skills. Talk about triggers!! This is a good one. You see I know exactly what happened now.

She was responding to him. He started it when he noticed her. What is so irritating to me is that this is old bad habit stuff that he was supposed to stop, and had stopped. In perspective, let's call it "slippage", back into old habits.

His habits were such that they extended by several months our coaching with SH as SH taught my husband what bad ideas they were. Mostly due to immature junior schoolish locker room junk. SH basically told my H to GROW UP!

It was my anger at suspecting this is what happened that set me on my 1 day rampage! What he does is, oh this is hard to describe because the words will sound like I'm exaggerating....but I'm not - it's almost like out of a movie how my husband "checks-out" women he finds attractive.

I've been with him plenty of times when he's done this. And it feels REALLY disrespectful of me! The object of his intensity NEVER fails to notice him, noticing her.

So Miss America's response is what I've seen in the past. Added to the situation is that "How could I be so clueless, this was going on, you ask?"

Big surprise to me too.....here's my insight to that. I was relaxed enough not to notice....because a couple of things. I am not so hyper-vigilent like I was for the 1st year after d-day. 2ndly...following church services, I am usually in a peaceful meditative state that is probably introspective - I'm simply living in my own head reflecting about the service, basically I'm checked out of reality for the time being. If I'm really lucky I can stay this way all day - it's a great feeling.

So it was in that state of mind I felt so rudely jolted out, when she purred by with her "Hi". I guess you could say, in a sense I was at an especially vulnernable state.

One of the most important things I learned from SH during coaching, was how NOT to blow my husband out of the saddle when mistakes are made. SH is very clear to hold people responsible for their behavior regardless of the circumstances. Bad behavior by one party, does not give the other party a free pass to act badly in response.

And....I was a slow learner on this one. So, although slow - I learned well. To answer your question, we haven't discussed it, because it hasn't been safe for me to trust myself not to blow him out of the saddle...

But I have learned patience - so I will know when the time is right, and we'll have a civilized discussion about it. What I plan to do is suggest we pull out his recovery plan that he wrote under SH's guidance and review it. BElieve me...this type issue is in the recovery plan...and I'll take it from there.

I'll be back in a minute to post more...

Last edited by CSue; 11/02/05 01:07 PM.

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SS,

Interesting in your case that the LB's were the source of the main problem. Did you and your wife do the LB questionnaire, and review them with each other?


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To continue....

My husband had a boatload of bad habits when it came to dealing with other women. His recovery plan covered them all. It's interesting, because I became aware of his bad habits while we were dating, and they continued thoughout our marriage. It's just that prior to d-day, because I trusted him so blindly/completely I didn't let them bother me.

Whew that changed after d-day. I have ZERO tolerance for any of that stuff now. And he had to agree to stop immediately, once and for all, forever - before I would agree to continue our relationship. To give the man credit, he met ALL my expectations regarding what he needed to do.

It wasn't easy because they were lifelong habits, well since middle school I would say. But he agreed after talking with SH that they were bad ideas.

SH also said we should review the recovery plan every so often as a reminder. It's probably been at least 6-9 months since we've done that. Wake up call for me to pull it out every 6 months regardless.

Which brings me to Neak's situation. It's what brought the EN questionnaire stuff back to mind. When we did our EN questionnaire, we learned some interesting stuff.

Not surprising to SH however to learn that my #1 EN was Honesty & Openness. He said that is practically always the case with BSs. He has you list in priority your top #5 ENs, and asks that each person becomes and EXPERT at meeting their mates top ENs. That's what creates the warm feelings for the other person that leads to romantic love.

A surprising top EN of my husbands turned out to be "Admiration". He really NEEDS to be admired. This is not one of the more admirable ENs by the way, so my husband was a bit embarrassed about it. He was pretty predictable about the rest, I'll let you know what they are when I look them up. I reallly SHOULD know without looking - that's how far I've slipped. I could guess, but won't.

So Neak, it's very enlightening to know the top #5 ENs of AJ. Because it does make a difference, and the questionnaire leads you to learn HOW to meet the top ENs, because a common mistake is to meet them how YOU think they should be met and it doesn't work that way.

You have to learn how to meet them the way HE wants them to be met. You'll be amazed to learn how different that might be compared to what you think.

And AJ needs to learn the same about you. It sort of follows what I've heard people say about "Love" Languages.

If your mate's love language is "French" for instance...and you're speaking "Spanish" - well then it's not working very effectively is it?

I've wanted to get that book, and also the Love Languages for CHildren book. A healthy family should KNOW that stuff, shouldnt' they?

So as you all can see, this incident has scraped up all kinds of garbage....and being the opportunist I am...I plan to turn it into a positive. And learn what God's lesson for me is, in all of this. Because that's why it's happened...there's a lesson for me here. And one for my husband if he chooses to see it that way. And he should, if I can refrain from blowing him out of the saddle.

I had no intention of going into all this detail - sorry about that, I must have needed to!

Thanks for being here everyone! Now back to t&l's trip home!!!!


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Neak,

19 weeks huh!

39 weeks is term right t&l? So Neak you're at the 1/2 way mark! Do you tend to run early or late? As far as I'm concerned once I was at 39 weeks, the sooner the better.

Except for the idea my husband had to try and force delivery of my 1st son so he could get a full year's tax break!

Instead, it was sooooooooooooooo uncomfortable what they were trying to do to accomplish this that I decided we could all wait! My son was born January 8th....Elvis's birthday instead.

Bad idea to massage the cervix, at least in my opinion. I'm trying to think of the equivelent of that for a man so you guys can understand.....t&l help me here!!!! There must be something that comes to mind in your opinion.


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They worked VERY hard, including Neak's little ones. Neaksis' kids are in regular school during the day, so they didn't "get" to help. Frankly, I think 3 little kids "helping" on a job like that is about as much assistance as any adult could possibly need. Possibly more.

They actually don't know the full extent of what they've done for me, since nobody really knows how very badly I always hate leaving for work every evening and coming back every morning to the weeds, and debris, and sad flower beds, and scraggly lawn...but there's nothing I can do about it so I just try and pretend it doesn't exist. And now it doesn't! How cool.......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you very much, girls, for your wonderful idea, and for your generous, diligent effort, without which your wonderful idea would've been just a, well, an idea--and as busy as I am, even I can get those!!!!!!!!!!

t&l,

The most priceless part of this will be the looks on Neak's kid's faces when they see/hear how much you enjoy your new yard! How fun that they got to be a part of the surprise.

It shouldn't be tooooo difficult to encourage them to weed, etc since they feel a sense of ownership of the new look!

Neaksis....you did very, very good!


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t&l,

Since I'm on a posting frenzy.....let me just say that 2 lbs in 6 days doesn't sound too bad really. If you're like me it will take longer than 6 days to remove those 2 lbs...

So don't forget how enjoyable it was to gain them during the losing them process!!!

Ok, I think I'm done with my posting marathon....didnt' someone once say they couldn't get a word in edgewise????

I think it wa JLS....sigh, my sons envy my typing speed!!!


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I'm not sure about a comparable experience to "massaging the cervix." Who does it anyway, how, and with what? Maybe you'd better not answer that. I don't want the feminine hygiene products to be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> or <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />.

However, for labor pain, a comparable sensation to describe to a man is what I will usually tell an unsympathetic or unsupportive father, "You know what? When we're done with her, I'm going to spend the next 12 hours pulling a presto log out of YOUR penis, and then we'll see what kind of noises you make!"

Also, before I go and tackle the laundry, let me say that you're making me very, VERY nervous with this ENs questionnaire, blahblahblah. Why am I nervous, you ask? Because youre making me curious, that's why...and you know what that did to the cat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

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Welcome home, T&L!

-AD


A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
thndrnltng #1371738 11/02/05 10:51 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,512
S
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S
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,512
CSue,
I have this long post for you starting to form in my head, but I'm too tired to type it tonight.

Thanks for the information, it helps a lot. I see some things that I didn't know before. Talk to you tomorrow ( I hope.)

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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