Sometimes little memories just pop into my head. They are not always bad ones, in a way.

Shortly after the A ended, AJ told me that on one (or was it two?) occasion(s?) he was planning to, well, you know, and couldn't bring himself to do it. After just blurting out something to that effect, he jumped in the car and came home. (Not that knowing that makes me any less wounded or angry about the other times, but a part of me is wickedly gleeful to picture her dumped there on the bed, knowing he was going home to me. Maybe I just feel better knowing that he didn't always choose her over me, and certainly never turned me down in that way.)

The other thing that makes me a little happy, yet in a backhanded sort of way, is that when faced with a PBL (both times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), he immediately chose to end all contact with her forever (or for 9 days in the first case <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) rather than lose contact with me for EVEN ONE DAY. I really expected him to move out, just like happened in all the other stories I had been reading on here.

Of course my brain tries to take that as a lead-in to the Then-Why-Did-He-Choose-Her-At-All path, but I forcibly stop it from travelling too far, knowing it is only a dead-end.

Oh, and then there was the time she texted him, right toward the end of things, trying to talk him into running off for a few days to a nearby casino town. By that time he wasn't even staying out all night any more, except for one memorable occasion I try not to remember any more than I have to, and so he just couldn't manage to fit a trip like that into his schedule. Or the trip to WI to meet her family. (I figured that would be a no-go after I very nicely and sweetly pointed out that she would take that as a declaration of a committment, and was he really ready to do that?)

Sometimes looking back I wonder how I made it through without just killing him. God provided incredible strength for me to be able to be kind and loving during that terrible time. Mostly, the only failings being my own - and very small at that, He is also giving me the grace to be kind and loving now, even when I feel neither kind nor loving. And that gets better all the time. I can't wait till it just IS better all the time. Patience, patience.

BTW, I am getting really fat all of a sudden. Sis swears I am fatter tonight than I was this morning, and fatter this morning than I was last night. At this rate, another day or two and I won't be able to hide any more with baggy clothes and tummy-sucking. Just almost instantly, WHOOOMPH!

Neak

getting fatter is part of the deal I'm afraid, especially when you are no longer 20'ish ..... blame the man. Its THEIR fault after all!! lol

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

listening to Cold Chisel (A2 loves this) ...

When the war is over
Got to get away
Pack my bag to no place
In no time no day
You and I we used each other's shoulder
Still so young but somehow so much older
How can I go home and not get blown away?

You and I had our sights set on something
Hope this doesn't mean our days are numbered
I got plans for more than a wanted man
All around this chaos and madness
Can't help feeling nothing more than sadness
Only choice to face it the best I can

When the war is over
Got to start again
Try to hold a trace of what it was back then
You and I we sent each other stories
Just a page I'm lost in all its glory
How can I go home and not get blown away?

Aint nobody gonna steal this heart away


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />


If wishes were kisses, each kiss of each wish a gold coin, I could buy the world. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Who says I'm not 20ish? LOL

My DD says so Neak! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

According to her & the other Uni youth nazi's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

18 to 21 is 20'ish

22 to 32 is breeding'ish ..lol

32 until you cant fake it is 30'ish

After you can no longer fake it you're mutton so don't dress up as lamb!

She thinks its 'cute' a oldie like me has a new baby <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She was also surprised that her dad had anything 'left' and wasn't able to claim the old age pension for another 30 odd years!!
I'm almost sure, think/hope she was just tugging our chains
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I suppose its not very mothering to call her a cow is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OH and Neak of COURSE you are 20'ish!!!!!! Isn't she t&l !!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PSST t&l mothering supportive statement place *here*


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I laughed so hard!!! Fortunately I just went pee a few minutes ago. (It's been more than a month, but like 2 days after I told the doctor, oh no, I'm not having ANY problem with my bladder, I sneezed. Oh, dear. Bad Neak!)

Tappity-tap, waiting patiently for motherly corroboration. No, Neakie, of course you're not really 30ish!

You're so sweet, I bet you're 20ish, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Another happy moment tonight. It's hard to say if I'm having more of them, or just noticing them more.

To give some background, for weeks now I have started dreading Christmas. By Christmas of last year he had already begun having those friendly little lunches, and even now doesn't remember that I got him anything. I made him a flannel wolf blanket with my own hands - he loves flannel and wolves, so what could be better than flannel and wolves?, and helped the kids make him a 'family night package' with a movie, movie-size candy, popcorn, and more. (He did finally watch the movie with the kids after, oddly enough, 5-6 months.) None of the effort registered. All he could remember was that I went to the recording studio for one day when he didn't want me to. (Of course he did not say this. He seemed to be nothing but supportive. Also, I used that day to make his blanket, since I couldn't get rid of him long enough otherwise.)

He never got me anything, either. Not that I am greedy. It wouldn't have had to be fancy. A $.97 box of candy would have done nicely, or a post-it note with a teeny love letter. Anything to say, I was thinking of you. Except he wasn't.

Thus my first thought, and many more after, was just to help the kids get or make him something, and not worry about getting him a present from me.

The last few days have left me feeling more charitable, and I even got a really neat idea of something I could do. (Maybe I can put in on here one day when I'm sure he won't be looking and then delete it before he gets back. I'm sure the mods won't object to deleting Christmas surprises.)

Well, tonight he said he had already picked out what he was going to get me for Christmas. I said that was really nice, especially since he hadn't gotten me anything last year. I think I managed to sound more matter-of-fact than pouty.

He asked with genuine puzzlement what I was talking about.

I reminded him that he first hadn't gotten anything, then told me to pick something out of a catalogue and order it for myself, but we didn't have the money right then, and later he just wasn't thinking of me.

In the warmest, most loving tones, he said, "Well, it's not going to be like that this year."

I would still settle for the 97-cent candy or post-it note, but apparel will work fine, too.

Now that that hurdle is mostly out of the way, it's time to start looking ahead to the other 2 biggies. The next after Sparkle Season will be Valentines Day - Dday was February 12 - and our anniversary. It was fine this year, as we were still in the honeymoon phase of R. But by now I have grown to hate every reminder of our wedding. I want to do a Moses and cast my marriage license on the ground and watch it shatter in pieces, then after I get done grinding it into powder and making him drink it, go to God and get a new one made.

Luckily I have almost eight months to work on my attitude before then.

I bet he's going to get you a thong. Um, a bikini. Um, a cute two piece swimming suit. A one-piece, in black, with a skirt? A micro-mini? A midi? A floor-length hopefully-wraparound? A caftan? A tent? Have him ask your dad with help for tent slection. He really knows his way around the Cabelo's catalogue! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I THOUGHT you looked bigger last night, but figured it was probably the shirt you were wearing. Proteruba Blossom is ready to burst forth,yea, this one more time. What fun. You're making my stretch marks ache. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



How's about I store your wedding photos over at my house during attitude reconstruction? As well as any additional calf fragments you might have at risk, of course.

Of course, she's 20ish, the dear little lamb is!! ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a, ba-a-a-a-a, said the mutton. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

well Neak
I think he handled that reasonably well for a spur of the moment thing. Well I guess he could have STILL addded a 0.97c hersey bar right then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I'd stick to the $3 Linzt Choc though ..... low sugar, high cocoa ..in fact when he's just about asleep shake him awake and tell him you NEED that chocolate right NOW. hahaha <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I did something a bit silly today .. well more silly then usual .. added 2 + 2 and got 22 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

tell you later whne I feel a bit better about it... cup of tea & a choc first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

If it's not 22, then what is it?

I'm easy to please. I was just as satisfied that he came home and was very happy to see me. (That should not be taken to mean that I would turn down a .97 Hershey's or $3 Lintz. Yummy!)

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for. Here is the picture of the now-infamous Mr. Eyebrows-Option-Box-Not-Checked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok what happened was I got a message on the milnet that a officer had been wounded - minor shrapnel wounds apparently - in Afghanistan and got a bit concerned.
Then Mum rang - contact of NOK is set up so my Mum gets told then I get told, this is so she can come around & support if she ever has to as she lives around the corner - says the CO of the Military District needs to talk to me immediately and she was on her way.
So I panicked. I was frightened if you want the truth.
Anyway
He arrived & explained the situation.
I can't go into any details of what he told us BUT A2 was involved in an 'incident' but was unharmed. One of his jnr Officers was hurt - minor concussion treated with pain killers in the field...original report was wrong & its been taken off.
He wanted to make sure no media came around and started asking questions & compromise ops etc, its was GOOD news not BAD. Except I panicked. Now I feel silly. A BIT EMBARRASSED.

So I held Mikey & mum held me & we cried in relief for ages I can tell you. Poor Mikey. I think he has a madwoman for his mum.

So maybe I'm not handling it all as well as I thought

but then at 10am - about 6.30 am in Afghanistan - H rang me and we talked for 30mins..and now I'm over the moon.
He says hi to all. Sounded tired but upbeat.
I wish he was home safe though.

Poor AW. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. So glad he is ok and you got to talk to him.

You are doing wonderfully.

Hi Neak

you should be resting 'young' woman !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

will I hope I'm doing better than I did the last 4 times but who knows.

but hes ok. All I said I as a bit concerned when we read the stuffed up message ,,his comment was "Yeah they couldn't organise a fart in a dunny"

Of course I cleaned THAT up a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I liked that last photo ..now that is a LOOK .... Infamous Mr eyebrows indeed !!!!!!

How scary for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> How long does this go on? By the time he's home, you're either going to be the toughest, or the most nervous, woman on the planet!!!

t&l

T&L I'm already the most nervous woman on the planet..well it feels like it.

He's been wounded three times, once serously [and given the last rites] but God obviously wasn't ready for the man.
(I sometimes wonder who is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

As for how long.. Sept or October next year ...unlikely to be granted home leave I'm told.

But I spent a lovely half hour on the phone with him talking about Mikey and the kids and family, bit hard to keep it together but I did ..he doesn't need to worry about me or the family right now.

Home for Xmas next year

Come here for Christmas, and we will let the children sing carols for you. It's not that scary, usually.

We are just getting ready to go for a walk. The children have waaaaaaay too much energy. Mom, if nobody answers the phone when you get up, that's probably why.

CSue, your story has given me very many interesting thoughts about the responsibilities spouses have to protect each other. I had not thought of it just that way, and loved the way SS explained it.

It's interesting to me, as well as ironic and a little sad, that even though the trip itself was fun, most of my impressions and conclusions are not. Not to say that I'm sorry I went, nor that it was a bad idea, nor that I wouldn't do it again (if backed into a corner at gunpoint! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), but it has surprised me that it's been so hard to give a light, fluffy answer to people at work or church, etc., who ask me how it was.

I don't like getting older, except as compared to its alternative...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I was strongly impressed by my dad's age this trip, and when you're 90--however chipper you may be, or appear to everybody else--let's just say you've got fewer years left than you've already used! It's not so noticeable just seeing him around his house, but to compare him on this trip to what he was just a year ago? It really showed. Not just in the forgetfulness. NOBODY in this family can criticize anybody else for his memory. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> But he is getting so slow, and doing the simplest things tends to take forever. In the length of time it takes him to shave, for example, you'd think he could've defoliated one of the faces on Mt. Rushmore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And when he's gone, I'm by myself. My cousins and I are all-too-rapidly becoming the older generation, and it didn't feel good to have this fact so obviously dangled in front of my eyes.

I'd always hoped that we could all visit Hawaii together--all 4 kids, their kids, my dad, me...not HP. Not as a punishment, either. All those people would NOT be his kind of trip. We might as well strap him to a rack and pull him apart, as to drag him off on an expedition like that! But it was obvious to me, after this trip, that this will never be possible, given the energy of the young and the decline of the old. I wouldn't even be able to try and coordinate activities for such a disparate group. I just really wanted to do this, and I hate letting go of the dreams I still have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Few as there are... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think most of my conclusions and impressions involved opportunities and time slipping away from me, and nothing I can do to stop it, or even slow it down. I have long said, and fully believed in my head, that I would never marry again. I would do the best I could with what I had and after that, no, not again. Intellectually, it was the only obvious conclusion for me. But somewhere, buried so deeply as to be undetectable all these years, there must've been a little heart rebellion swimming against the intellectual current, because when, on this trip, I realized that I could never, EVER want to marry again or try to build a relationship with another man, I was sorrier about it than I had any reason to be, given that I'd been saying just that for years! A door closed on purpose is just as impenetrable a barrier as one that the wind has blown shut. And even if this was my own conclusion, it felt so final to accept that, at least on some level, I will be alone the rest of my life.

Well, shoot, I probably should've save these upbeat observations for after I finished my last installment regarding the trip. It might not sound so funny to you after this, and most of it really was, and I'm glad I went and had a good time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I'm happyhappyhappy, yes, indeedy, and it was a lovely vacation. Maybe I shouldn't do these posts right after I have a nap, while my whiplashed neck still hurts, and before I wake all the way up!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> However, now that I've done it, I don't want to delete my efforts either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I DID have a nice trip. Maybe my "down" outlook has less to do with awareness of mortality than it does to just coming back to life, reality, and work. Who knows? That would take introspection, which isn't in my schedule for today...and quite frankly, tomorrow doesn't look good for it either! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l