Neak, I am so very sorry.

((((((Neak & AJ & the rest of your family))))))

Neak - More prayers to you. I am so sorry this happened. Please try to take very good care of yourself.

I had a miscarriage at 4 months, and it broke my heart. I spent months afterwards trying to figure out what went wrong. Was it climbing up the ladder, the argument with my husband, not eating right, being stressed, and on and on.
I drove my doctor crazy with questions.

There was no explanation that satisfied my grief. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.

{{{Neak}}} {{{t&l}}} and family

Words cannot express my sorrow for your loss.

Thank you again. It helps a great deal to have such wonderful support.

AW - inkling? I can still appreciate your sense of humor. Tis I who now have the inkling, but only that.

We all slept together last night, in one big puppy heap. It was the last time for the 6 of us.

I'm not sure when we will post again. Soon we'll leave for the hospital, where they'll do a formal ultrasound to confirm demise. After that, they'll start inducing labor. I have no idea how long it will take. It could be a few hours. It could last a couple of days. The only thing I can say for certain is that nobody knows. There is a computer at work, but whether or not I'll be able to access it is also unknown.

Believer, I understand your compulsion to seek answers, when there were no easy answers to give. I don't think Neak has so many questions like that, given that she's grown up hearing OB stories. She knows it wasn't the rototilling, nor the hauling rocks (well, it WASN'T!), nor anything else she did. That's what she knows in her head. In her heart, she is likely to go through the same mental process that other women go through, after they have an unexpected pregnancy loss. Even if your head knows you did nothing wrong, in your heart there is always, overlaying the pervading sense of grief, a sense of guilt that when your baby lay in the one place on earth where its greatest safety should have been found, that you were not able to protect it from harm. It's something she'll have to work through. And it will take time. I know she'll appreciate your thoughts and prayers then, as she does now.

Thank you to everyone.

t&l

There is just nothing to say--"sorry" doesn't cut it, especially from others, although you know deep down they mean well, but no one can understand that deep sorrow unless they have gone through it themselves. My heart has been ripped out. Flard wrote me this morning, the first premonition that something had gone terribly wrong--"I heard about Noni so you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. That's all." I quickly signed onto MB, and here I sit.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems as if he just reached across the chasm between us and tried to give me a hug, some kind of comfort, and in his own way, for Noni as well, because HE DOES KNOW how it feels in a way~the horror and shock, and then everyone's condolences that are painful to hear as well. The fight to become a stoic, passive person, burying it all because looking like a deranged freak, grieving over someone who no one has ever seen, is too hard to face.

I remember the first miscarriage, Flard was in my arms shaking and crying, stifling the screams right along with me, and then after that, complete deadness for both of us. He's never discussed that time with me.

The second miscarriage, I was in Minnesota by myself. I called my mom up, and my brother answered the phone. I was crying too hard to be coherent, and all he said was, "Uh no." He then picked up his guitar, and sang me the most beautiful funk song I've ever heard--an angel sang to me right then. I don't like funk music <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but he managed to make me smile, and then laugh, and finally I took a deep breath of air, and braced myself to cope somehow ~unfortunately there was no magic wand to whack me with, but I wrote pages upon pages about this subject, crying NOah's flood all over again, while Flard withdrew into his "cave" but yet I have had a grand realization recently--that I still feel that knifing pain, but it has inspired me, changed me, and spurred me on, so there is a part of me that blesses that pain for forcing me into looking at myself, my relationships, and healing the broken wounds.

I don't think what I related applies to anyone but me right now, but my heart is fully with you right now in every way and will be for the rest of today in a very strong way. I hope that whatever I have said doesn't hurt in any way, because I know that when people gave me pat answers it made life all that much harder. I love you so much Neak. I wish I could have all the miscarriages in the whole entire world to myself, so no one else would have to go through them.

I've been up 34-1/2 hrs. on the basis of a 3-1/2 hr. nap, and I'm too tired to say anything wordy. The Neaklet was a Neakler. We do have a cause of death for him, which is a relief to me, because I've found that, although coping is never easy, it is harder for parents to accomplish this when there is no explanation, than when there is. Neak is doing OK, as is AJ. I came to their home afterwards to be with GP, although what use I could be to him in an emergency, deep in the coma into which I will shortly be slipping, is a good question.

AJ and Neak thank you for you kind thoughts and prayers. When I awake--and become coherent--tomorrow, I'll be back.

t&l

Thanks for letting us know. You all have to recover now. We will all keep praying.

Dear neak

the mind goes over, and over, in circles, and you may think if only this, if only that.

Dont try to find answers, there aren't any for those sorts of questions. But it's hard of course.
You will find why 'x' happened and combined with 'y' that caused this or that ...yes that sort of answer does help.

But the emotions must be worked through with the love of your family & God and faith.

What is the level or measurement of loss? Oh neak that is so meaningless you know. The pain of this loss is as strong & deep as it is & thats it. You & AJ even the kids will need as much time as you need. Take it.
Be with AJ, the kids, your mum, sister because that does help I have found.

Lots of love neak

t&l hug her for me, I'll be praying.

Thanks for the update. Your family is in my prayers.

I'm trying to make burial arrangements, but everybody has to check something first before they can tell me what I need to know, so while I sit here by the phone....

At 12 wks. the local MD did an ultrasound that showed the baby was right on schedule in develpment since the size was equal to the date. 2 wks. later, when she transferred care to the MD who delivered her yesterday, another ultrasound was done which showed that in the previous 2 wks. the baby had made only one week's worth of growth. So the due date was revised down, based on that 2nd exam. In retrospect, we know now that the problem that killed the baby had begun to develop. After 8 wks., when the u/s was done yesterday, the baby was about 4-5 wks. behind in its size, which means that for every 2 wks of life, it had had only l wk's worth of growth.

A round object of unknown origin was seen on the u/s yesterday, which after the baby was born could be seen to be 2 areas of the placenta which had separated prematurely, a condition of bleeding called placental abruption. But the original cause of the problem appears to have been that somehow the umbilical cord got twisted several times right where it went into the baby's belly button. It looked like crochet thread in size, about half the size of the rest of the cord, and was twirled around several times when I unwound it to show the MD once she was available to look. It was the Dr.'s opinion that the constricted cord came first, explaining the delayed fetal development, and that the placental separation came just towards the end, since it looked pretty fresh. Once the cord was twisted, insufficient nutrients were supplied to the baby for normal growth to occur, eventually the constriction became too severe to sustain life, even at a reduced rate of growth.

His name is Dillon Alec. If Neak could be called "lucky" right now it would be because everything went so very quickly. 3-1/2 hrs. start to finish for a process that occasionally takes days, and sometimes ends in the operating room for a surgical removal if there's no response to large, prolonged doses of medication. She'll be home later today

Well, they just called with the info. Guess I'll let Neak know so she can start making up her mind. Gell, she was very touched by your letter. I'll answer you later, but right now I've got stuff to do.

t&l

message board alert

NEAKSIS, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CALL YOU IF YOU'RE ONLINE AND I CAN'T GET THROUGH?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It's 12:30; I'll be in cell phone range within 20 min.

I'm on the way in to the hospital. Once she's discharged we'll go to the funeral home and cemetery and make arrangements. It sure costs a lot to die these days! The Pwintheth didn't want to go along, and got all weepy just making up her mind, but Mr. Computer has decided to accompany us to help select the engraving for the headstone. Maybe it will help him to feel like he's a part of everything. Who knows? Nobody was making any plans for this, that's for doggone sure...

t&l

I have a hard time knowing what to say.

There is no way I can know how you feel. Typing things to encourage seems like so little for something so ....... there aren't even words. Something so huge, important, such a loss.

Just know we care, and are thinking and praying for you. May God make your burden light, dry all your tears, and heal your heart.

SS

I don't know if Neak will feel like posting tonight, but she's home, and hurting in body and heart. We've made all the arrangements, although I ended up at the last alone at the funeral home after the process proved too difficult for AJ and Neak went with him. Mr. Computer picked a nice headstone for his brother, giving very due process to his deliberations on the matter. Dillon will be buried Friday afternoon. Right now HP is busy on his computer getting family pictures from our rogues' gallery to put in the casket for "company", and he will be buried in the blanket his mama was making for him. It wasn't finished but it's still big enough.

What a very-not-nice week...and it's only Wednesday. God bless you all, and thank you for thinking of us.

5&l

T&L -

Thanks for posting and keeping us up to date. I think everyone here is shocked and stunned. It shows how precious and tenuous life is, and frankly makes all of this other stuff seem like just a bump in the road.

Say hi to Neak and AJ and let them know they are in our prayers.

We're home.

Neak - I'm so happy you are home, and out of the hospital. You and AJ and family, and mom are in my prayers.

Also glad you are safely home.

Hope you get enough rest tonight. It always helps.

T&L,
Glad they have you to help. Wishing you didn't have to.

SS

It was 4 1/2 hours, but still much better than days and days, or even a day. And within the 4 1/2 hrs, the bad part was less than an hour.

I will have plenty more to say over time, but right now I'm so tired. We are mostly doing ok. I am a zombie by now. Neaksis says the Dervish's preferred method for coping with the tragedy is to loudly broadcast it to everyone he sees. Goody. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

All the sympathy is wonderful, appreciated, helpful, soothing, and much treasured. Please be funny still, too, if you find something funny you can share.

Nighty-night.