<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> MONTHS?????????????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You're going to be living those in dog years, my dear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I'd think she'd open her own abdomen with a kitchen knife and tie those tubes with twine, unassisted, rather than run the risk of having more than 2 little replicas of THAT guy! No offense to Aussie, but you DID say living with him was rather, um, intense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

t&l

no its ok now...I dont break down anymore as often - rare actually now..still have a cry or two every now & then ...but it was XMAS 2000. I guess that where I went off the tracks so to speak. You know I couldn't even talk about this only months ago. Amazing. IC actually works! As well as going back to church.

18 months ago was when I committed to getting my M & life back on track. I couldn't do it where I had the affair so I left.
Transferred to another DEPARTMENT.

Divine help with human encouragement is really a dynamite combination, isn't it? I'm glad you're getting better on so many fronts, even though I'm sure sometimes it seems like it's taking a very long time.

I'm going to sleep now. Would've done it already if Neaksis and 2 of her cherubs (the sick one and the suspended-for-a-day-because-he-didn't do-his-work one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) hadn't arrived before I could crash. Since the Semi-Browed Wonder doesn't have his books yet, he thought he was going to be able to spend his time here reading my cartoon books. Oh, no, no, no! Thanks to the wonder of Al Gore's internet, I have downloaded 2 pages of math problems, and 3 pages of reading comprehension for him to work on while he awaits the arrival of his actual assignments! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No, SBW, you don't have to thank me. It was nothing. Really. I'm just glad I could help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> In this family, Grandma is NOT the indulgent one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

ROTFLMAO hehehe you can certainly say that.

Of course you haven't lived until you've been thrown into a wall or two because you forget NOT to wake him up suddenly.
Ouch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Dont get the wrong idea..not domestic ..just PTSD. He most likely wont sleep in a bed for a few weeks at first ...he'll try of course but you usually find him outside under a bush or curled up in a dark corner.
And he can get very very narky .... swear a lot .. etc I mean you can be lectured on it, read about it, but its a bit of shock the first time or two.

I do feel its been getting worse each time but he wouldn't talk to me about it, understandably I wasn't the flavour of the month for a while.

We'll see next Xmas I guess.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

AJ suggested I post this link, and I think it is a really nice idea. Wow, the wonders of the internet, but the funeral home has an online guest book, if you can believe. (Mom, Darien wrote if you want to look.)

The information you put can be viewed, all of it as far as I know, so don't hesitate to make up an address if that is one of the required fields. 123 Anonymous Drive, Anytown, MS, USA. Or whatever. We will treasure each response.

Dillon's Guest Book

I'm pretty well zombified at this point, and I think I did rupture something by not letting things start spilling out on paper sooner. Yesterday was especially. It started out bad when I accidentally dumped a bunch of food out of the refrigerator onto the floor, and only went downhill from there.

Today was better; we went to town and had a nice time with the kids, but part of me goes through the motions of life while the other part sits there in a daze trying to grasp what has happened.

In a few more minutes it will be exactly a week since he was born.

Ok, got through that little segment. By this time last week I was either unconscious or incoherent or both, not really sure which one, so not as traumatic.

Beautiful text, B; it describes exactly how I feel right now, but you knew that, didn't you?

I really thought I would be able to put marriage building on hold for a little bit, but perhaps that won't work quite as well as I thought. Hindsight is 20/20, and in retrospect I should have known better. But I thought since I did so well handling the sympathy card from ol' Garg that it would be the right time to deal with the email which, with demonically perfect timing, was waiting in my inbox when I got home from the hospital the day I found out the baby was dead, and which I ignored until now. ANYHOO...it did/does have to be dealt with, but perhaps I ought not to have taken such a large dose at once.

Naturally every contact with her stirs up every possible hateful feeling against my husband, but to at last see the full extent of things laid out for my viewing 'pleasure' was pretty overwhelming. She had - of course - carefully marked each receipt which AJ apparently has in his possession, to make sure I knew the full scope of what he hadn't told me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Pathetic? Immensely. Effective? By now, not very.

Still, just the usual anger from having to deal with her welled up to the point that I took my aggressions out on my poor kitchen, which fortunately had plenty of areas needing said aggression.

Deep in thought, I did not hear AJ come in to bring me the phone until he was there. Deep in thought, I did not realize I was glaring at him until he asked me why I was looking at him that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I apologized or something, and said I hadn't meant to look at him in any bad way, (at least that's what I think I said, and what I was trying to say). I have tried to be so careful that I don't take my anger out on him about the past, but to express anything and everything in a constructive way. I think most times I have been successful, at least never yelling, screaming, or cursing at him. Until now, never baring my fangs, either.

At the very least, this shows how very far my guard is down, and how careful I will have to be over the next whiles so I don't go off on him.

Before everything happened, I became very upset one day when, in the context of my needing to be able to be NC ASAP, I mentioned the game-playing and efforts to hurt me that had been occurring since the very beginning. This was the first I was going to bring up how very angry I felt toward him EVERY TIME I had to deal with her, and how bad that was/is for our recovery and marriage. The discussion never got that far, because his immediate response was, "What games? What has she done to you?"

I admit my knee-jerk reaction was to feel like he was defending her, even though he tried to make clear at the time that if something was going on, he wanted to make sure it was stopped. That was a little better, but also meant he had not been particularly listening as each time over the span of months I shared a bit of my pain with him.

Thus I became very upset at that point, and said with all the control I could muster, that the games and hurt should not be a surprise to him, because I had told him each and every time she had written, and shared the things which had hurt me. "I DID NOT KEEP ANY OF THIS A SECRET FROM YOU!!!"

In a short while, he apologized, though clearly not understanding what had so upset me. I promised to talk about it more later, when I was better able to discuss it calmly. That was right at the start of what was to have been 10 marathon days in a row, with him working up to 15 hours each day, plus a long commute. There was just no leisure time to have an unhurried talk, so I decided to just wait till the 10 days were up.

Last Tuesday I had to interrupt him at the end of Day 8, and that was hardly the time, either. I thought it would probably be a month or so before I was equipped to pick up where we left off, but after such a strong reaction tonight maybe I should not wait such a long time. Though is lesser in importance and scale of botherance, at the same time it is made worse by my fragile state...the same fragile state that makes it hard to deal with. Figures.

I suppose I should have something for supper before I go to bed, and I can't do that unless I quit rambling first.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. (Repeat 14,782 times.)

There is just one song stuck in my head, where it has been going round and round the last week: "As the deer panteth for the water, so my soul longeth after Thee..."

Neak

big hugs [[[[[[[Neak]]]]]]

This time is a very strange period for you. There will be a temptation to hide your real grief and to cry alone.
To be alone. At least it was for me.

If I can give you any advice, say any words that may help perhaps not now, but long term....its do not hide from this. Do not hide it from AJ. Tell him what is going on inside of you, talk, cry, yell together if you need to.

I just about destroyed 'US' by not doing this. Instead of clinging to each other, helping us each to keep afloat, I drove Aussie away.

It is a certain madness, a elemental pain so intrinsic to your being that you almost miss it as you heal.

When you least want to, share the pain. Sometimes all you want is to he held, its so deep that you'll take anyone, THATS where you can stuff up badly if you dont share with your AJ. I did. ..stuff up I mean.

Love WILL get you through along with faith and family snd friends.

You are doing well neak, please don't think you need to 'try' for anyone here. Say what you need to say, feel what you need to feel and we'll hug you hard as we can, even if only in prayer and thought.


Love
AW
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If I remember correctly from those long-ago grade school geography classes, it's summertime in Australia at Christmas, isn't it? So at least he won't be cold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I remember when HP and I were first married, we were sitting at the dining room table one day and a car driving outside had a loud, explosive backfire. One second I was talking to him, and the next second he was under the table, taking cover against incoming rounds. It's been long enough from Viet Nam that he doesn't do that any more (think of how THAT would enliven the church potluck!), but it was certainly a surprise for me the first time. Kewpie also had PTSD, and during one of his incarcerations, somebody bugged him while he was asleep and he jumped up and grabbed the guy and set him up on top of a shelf somewhere, all before he fully woke up. So what adventures you'll be having next Christmas. I suggest a long pole if you want to wake him up. Either that, or just leave him alone till he wakes up all by himself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Sometimes it's uncanny how well some of you can intuit me. AW, how'd you know I'm a stiff upper lip kind of gal? Caution well taken--I was already in a vulnerable state due to past events, and after this I will never just assume that I, or any other person, would be immune. Far better to avoid the earliest steps in any dangerous paths.

I had to get additional directions to find out how to read what people had sent, even clicking on the above address. Are there any other technological incompetents out there who want to say a word to Neak and AJ? If so, this is for you. If you want to see what other people wrote, after you get to the funeral home site, click on "obituaries," then on Dillon's name, and you'll get to the tribute page, but if you just want to write, the first click will be enough to get you there.

t&l

Both. Unfortunately, it's not possible to stay that way.


Neak was commenting that the sympathy card said it was from friend to friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But, as I reminded her, I don't think Hallmark really makes cards to exactly fit this situation. It didn't help that the card was in an unfamiliar handwriting, to "AJ and family," with no return address, and postmarked from a town an hour away from where any of them live. Do you think someone was hoping (perchance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) he'd be the one to open it? Hm-m-m-m-m. Think. Think. Think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



Hm-m-m-m-mph. I'd be surprised to hear that, up till now, he even knew that you had fangs, much less that he had ever seen them bared! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

This may be at least part of the explanation for why so many marriages don't surivive the loss of a child. I'm glad that yours is pulling through, even though it took the long way around (the one with all the big rocks and deep potholes!) to get there. Thanks for your encouragement to Neak. She needs it, and has tended to be (in person) kind of a stoical, nothing's-wrong-everything's-fine-what-are-you-talking-about kind of gal. It's hard to pull that kind of attitude off under this sort of provocation, though, and I was happy to hear you tell her that it isn't necessary. And not just not necessary...not even a good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I am so appreciative of those who posted in Dillon's online condolence book. I read the most recent ones to Neak while she waits at the Dr.'s office for the Dervish to be called in to have his stitches removed. Personally, I would've thought they ought to be left in longer than 5 days, but I'm told he seems to be healing very quickly. I guess if you're going to be the kind of kid that dives into hard, pointy objects, you'd also better be the kind that repairs itself fast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I do have to say, its NOT MY FAULT there are no spaces in Dillon's book... I did make spaces, I did put commas, I did put dashes, and instead, everything is crammed together, and a bunch of ?????? dot it. I would get a low grade from any professor for that piece of run-on paragraphs and bad grammar. Somehow it takes away from the emphasis I tried to put into it. I think I'm going to complain to the funeral home!!! They really need to fix it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, in my Victorian Lit class, we are studying Tennyson, and soon we are diving into his "In Memoriam" but having read it previously, it really spoke to me then as it does now.

I wonder now how much strain the miscarriages really put on our marriage--I mean, was it a huge factor in the rift between Flard and I? I had not thought so previously, but now I am inclined to at least wonder if this is not the case???

What is Flard doing for Thanksgiving, anyway? I'm flying to Texas for Thanksgiving on Friday! I might drop by the old homestead in Oklahoma and kiss it goodbye one last time, all the memories and good times.

You didn't really use up all the space in the book. I know, because another kind person from MB posted after you. That'd be kinda chintzy to put a limit on "tributes", wouldn't it? But there are no quotas on memories, apparently.



I've thought for a long time that it had an enormous influence on what happened after. Flard's defence against hurt is to drive everybody away. He's a "soulless male. With pride" (his own words, earlier this week). It often seems to me lately as if he is deliberately offensive, actively attempting to alienate people and provoke them into behaving badly towards him so that he'll have an excuse for keeping them at a distance, or even eliminating them from his life. Naturally (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), I am determined not to give him the satisfaction of success in this ignoble endeavor, and pretend not to notice that he's doing this. I talked with Neaksis about this weird behavior a little this morning, and without prompting she told me her thoughts, which were pretty much exactly what I was thinking about it, too. I am convinced that his determination not to be hurt again, in the way that losing the babies hurt him, is at the root of his rejection of God, his wife, and (to a certain extent) his family, as well. I was convinced of this even before he basically admitted to me last summer that this was "part" of the reason behind what he'd done. "Part," my foot.

I have no idea what he's doing for Thanksgiving...and while we're on the subject, who does an atheist thank, anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I know he's not coming here, although he does plan to come for Christmas, and has agreed to help us out with the program at the church. I think. Personally, I don't think much of an atheism that isn't robust enough to survive a short, seasonal church program once a year, so he'd better not try and fink out at the last minute.

For someone supposedly so comfortable in his disbelief, and new independent lifestyle, he spends a lot of his time being belligerent and defensive towards people who don't agree with him...even when they don't say a word. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I told him that talking to him was as easy as tap dancing on eggs without cracking shells. and for some reason, he became defensive about that. Go figure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Well, I'm 110 years older right now than I was when I came to work last night, and it's only been 8 hrs. since I arrived, too. I did the prudent nurse thing, and got my pt. delivered in the first 45 min. of my shift. Everything was going swimmingly. They were happy. The Dr. was happy. I was happy (relatively speaking). HappyHappyHappy. Yes, indeed.

During the hour after delivery that we keep pts. I checked in on her and found her feeding the baby, who was breastfeeding as if he'd been born to do just that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I noticed she was going to need a new IV, so I went and got one, got the medicine I needed in it, injected it into the solution, and I was back in the room, just about ready to place the new tubing when I heard the baby's auntie say, "He looks sort of purple to me." Bear in mind that to do the things I just said I did would've taken me 3 minutes or less, at the very most, so I had an extremely-recent view of the baby doing just fine. From where I was standing by the IV all I could see was the blanket he was wrapped in and the top of the little hat they put on to keep the babies warm. Auntie, on the other hand, was standing on the far side of the bed looking directly at his face. Still, people often think normal post-delivery bruising has some ominous meaning, so I told her, "You'd be a funny color, too, if somebody squeezed YOU through a little opening like he just did. Babies often look purple."

As I said that, I looked up from where I was fixing the IV to where Auntie was holding the baby and saw him for the first time in this conversation, and in my head I said to myself, at a shriek, "NOT THAT PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I went over and snatched, I mean, took him, with calm authority, out of Auntie's hands. He wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing. And he was definitely purple. By now, I'd quit breathing, too, but fortunately was still able to move. I'm guessing my color was some sort of pasty white, although I didn't stay around to check. Fortunately, the labor/delivery rooms are right across the hall from the neonatal intensive care unit, and as I came flying out the door I could hear the voice of their charge nurse down at our nurses' station. I called her name with sufficient "sincerity" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> that I could hear her jump up and go, "What? What?" just before I opened the door to the NICU and came barrelling in, seriously disrupting the nurses' snack time. As I punched myself in through the locked door, the baby gave a single gasp, and his limbs moved once, which told me that there was still somebody in there, thank God. It only took 15-20 seconds of oxygen and ventilation to pink him up and start him crying again, but all I can say is that kid had better have Auntie as his favorite person all his life, because if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have had a life at all. I did go back in and talk with mama about the importance of making sure that your breast tissue doesn't occlude the baby's nasal passages during feedings, however.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> She told me, "I just thought he was sleeping." Well, yes, and he came doggone close to sleeping for a very long time, too.

Nursing is too exciting for me. Is there anything dull that pays really well? I'm open to suggestions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

t&l

wow that must be both a feeling of doing a good job & panic... nurses & the docs I know are worth their weight in gold to the community...shame we dont pay them half decent money to keep htme there!!!!


Aussie suggsted a job for himself if he left the Army, lots of pay - $300,000 a month -- 'security consultant' - in Iraq <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I decided that I should cease encouraging him to seek alernative careers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

hug neak & AJ for me ..never can get enough hugs if you ask me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I have to go out and pick up CHinese for dinner ..... your thoughts on being like 'dog years' is sounding soooooooo true....

Panic. Yes, that's a good word for it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No, do you think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I knew it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. I'll hug Neak and AJ for you sometime before tomorrow night, but exactly when I can't promise. Neak will remind me if I forget. She's a hug hog. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am now totally bloated - msg probably - DS I swear must have hollow legs!!!!

1.5 kilos of fried rice with veges & prawns ..he ate most of it, the best part of a kilo od beef & veges in oyster sauce ..he cleaned that up, chicken & crab meat ditto .... DD & I had 3 pieces of crispy chicken & some sweet & sour sauce and managed to pinch some rice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

But thats what you get with growing giants I guess!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />