In retrospect only, there were a few warning signs that something was wrong, but nothing big enough to beat myself up over even if I were inclined to do that.

I had an ultrasound with one doctor from the clinic, at which point the baby's size was 12 weeks 4 days. Exactly 2 weeks later I went to my regular OB/GYN, who did an ultrasound of her own. The baby's size came up as 13+ weeks. I thought she just mismeasured a little bit, and she didn't worry at all because it still fit in with my LMP due date.

I worried excessively when I didn't feel him moving as much and as soon as the others had, but at my prenatal on October 31 his heart rate was fine, and the Dr. felt the size of my uterus and everything, so I quit worrying then.

The lack of expected fatness didn't worry me at all. I was very pleased, and not that surprised since I had started out so thin. I just thought the growth spurt would kick in any time and I would 'pop'.

Now that I know how small he is, and that by the last weeks was probably inactive, I know that most of what I took for fetal movement was just an influx of internal methane. There were 2 occasions where I am still reasonably sure I felt him, but the rest most likely were not.

November 3 is when I had that spotting scare, and also got taken off SF for what would turn out to be a very long while. The timing is about right that then or shortly after is likely when he died from the abruption.

I was going to wait until after my nap to post (when you're 167 years old, and still working, sleep is very important!), but since you've been online about this I'll pop in briefly. I was talking this morning to the nurse who cared for you the morning after. She had been to a conference held by the Kaiser pathologist, now retired, who was the whoopdie-doo-famous expert on placentas, etc. She said that he told them that the most common cord accident was not knots, nor loops around the neck or other body parts, but simply "spirals" where the cord, like Dillon's, twirls around and around on itself until it's too tightly wound to sustain life. I didn't know that. I would've thought that the knots and cords around necks we see at term, sometimes with babies who have died from it, were the most dangerous culprits. I know it's not any comfort to you to know that this happens a lot--it doesn't really count until it happens to you, or to someone you love. I think it's actually kinda scary, and further reinforces my belief that it's a wonder anybody is ever born alive, so many things can go wrong during a pregnancy!

Even though intellectually I knew it was impossible to have been a cause of the baby's death, I counted back this morning on the calendar to make sure that this all didn't start on the weekend we went to the church campout, and I had you jump on that pogo stick. (It didn't!) But book knowledge is certainly not any guarantee of fully-rational analysis of an event of this nature...and I counted anyway!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Somebody else from MB posted in Dillon's virtual guest book. Be sure you go and look today. And no beating up on yourself. Even if you had known, you couldn't have done a single thing about it. How do you untwirl a cord? All I can say is that if, by 12 weeks, his level of activity was so great that he'd already spun himself into that kind of predicament, he certainly would've given the Dervish a run for his money, and even heaven might not be quite big enough for him in the end. He may need his own galaxy somewhere to run around in so he can work out his fidgets! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Even if I found out that hauling those rocks raised my blood pressure or something so that THAT was the moment of abruption - and I know that was not the case - BUT EVEN IF IT WERE I would still be ok with that. For him to have gone in such a short time from that wild, joyous little tadpole to a lethargic, malnourished child of endless twilight is hard enough that any event bringing about the end of his ordeal was a blessing. Had the abruption not happened when it did, it would have been another 3 weeks till my next visit with the doctor: 3 weeks of neither living nor dying...quite. And then the impossible choice of whether to induce a still-alive but fatally damaged baby, or allow him to linger until he died on his own.

I am beyond grateful that I was spared that decision.

It was good to hear the word of a medical professional. I had wondered to myself, "If the cord got twisted, and it wasn't something wrapped around it, then he must have twisted it himself. How could that be? As active as the Dervish is, he didn't have any problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> No! It's not possible! There must be some other explanation..."

Do you think one galaxy will be enough?

Neak and t&l, I am so glad you have found some rational explanations and peace from this. Neak it was very hard to read those words though I am sure they bring you the utmost comfort to know that Dillon did not suffer or hang in there unnecesarily long. He is home with Jesus and I am sure giving all a run for their money in Heaven. {{neak}}

Monday, November 7, was pretty ordinary at the start. I took the kids to town for a fun-filled trip to the DMV, and a couple smaller errands. Nothing strenuous. I used the restroom before I left town, and all was fine.

As soon as I got home, I had a restroom break again, not unusual, but in that length of time (30 minutes or so) I had begun to spot again. A little concerned about the integrity of my cervix, I immediately called the doctor.

She told me to go on bed rest for a week after the bleeding stopped, and let her know if I had any cramping. Apparently the shock of finding out about the bed rest (!!!!!!!!!!!!) was enough stress to bring on a lengthy bout of cramping. At first the contractions were every 3 minutes or so, but stretched out to 5 by the time I got ahold of the office staff at the end of their lunch break. ~Can you imagine taking a lunch break at a time like that?~ One of the ladies passed along the message to come in to the office and get checked.

Neaksis had to cancel her daycare stuff to take me over to Mom's, then she dashed off to pick up her kids from school while Mom took me in to the hospital.

As I sat there waiting for Mom to get dressed, I kept praying only semi-coherently, but one thing I remember is promising that I would be faithful, even if the baby was dead. As far as I recall, that was my wording, not if the baby dies, but if it is dead. I had no conscious expectation that anything was wrong besides thinking I just needed - maybe - some medicine to stop the contractions, and likely a largish quantity of bed rest.

It took so long to get the the office that the doctor had been called away for emergency surgery at another hospital, so Mom just took me to her hospital instead, by which time the contractions had pretty well stopped. In the ER they tagged me yellow, but when Mom found out there were 7 incoming ambulances she sneaked me right on up to OB and hooked me up to the ultrasound.

The baby was not moving, and she couldn't find the heart. When she reached for the Doppler I was seriously worried. When she scanned my abdomen again and again, from this angle and that one, I neared panic. Somehow I managed to fight the urge to ask her to go get someone else to listen instead, as if someone with LESS experience, LESS knowledge, LESS expertise, LESS finesse, and FROM THE DAY SHIFT BESIDES, would somehow be able to find a pulse when she had not. Though I couldn't help but hope, a little, deep down I knew the matter had passed from human hands.

She kept trying and trying, finally having to put me on the machine too as she tried to sort out my heart rate. The highest I saw it go was several times to 131. Mostly it was 125+. For me that was off the charts, especially after resting for hours. And yet she couldn't even find a pulse in my wrist, which is why she had to put me on the machine. My body was going wacko.

After several hours the doctor finally arrived and confirmed what we already knew. I tried to get in touch with someone from AJ's work before I called him, but finally had to just call because he was getting so worried about not having any news.

When we finally reached his supervisors, they were wonderful and worked quickly, sending another guy to replace him the last few hours of the shift.

I made the arrangements for the next day and went home, by that time no longer just spotting, but bleeding the blood that should have been nourishing my baby.

{{{FF}}} to you too, I know you need them.

Explanations are always good.

AJ is sick today and snoring right now. At some point I guess I should get busy, at least for a little while. I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something really important that I'm supposed to do today. ??? I guess if it's that important I'll remember it.

OK, that's about as much as I can handle getting off my chest for one day. Strike up the music! Bring in the jester! Does anyone know a good joke or funny story?

*Neaksis warbles* "Send in the clowns..."

a man goes to the zoo... but when he arrives there is only a dog...

it was a [censored] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OH!!!! *neak clutches her stomach and bangs her head slowly on the table*

Thank you for this early contribution to the Neak Humor Fund.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?

"He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked," Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."



Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

~author unknown~

A friend forwarded this to me. Posted in honor of the Queen.


Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....

Can't eat chicken. bird flu

Can't eat eggs. Salmonella

Can' t eat pork .. fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can't eat fish .. heavy metals in the
waters has poisoned their meat

Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!

Remember - - -

"STRESSED"

spelled backwards is

"DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.

(If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.)

"That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."

In honor of AW, too. Wonderful, sugar-free chocolate. Poor AW.

FF, what's your favorite kind of chocolate?

Calm as calm could be, to look at her. You'd never have known she was having a worried thought of any kind. And why should she? I wasn't worried at that point myself, although I thought that with all those kids, bedrest was going to be a real bummer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


The other hospital just down the road had closed its emergency room, and all 7 ambulances on the way were being diverted to my hospital. A logistical nightmare for any already-busy department, completely aside from our own personal concerns. What's the use of being in the system if you don't make it work for you? Besides, even if it weren't for the interminable hours you'd have spent in the waiting room, I never intended to have you there. The lady you talked to jumped the gun to put you in the system, and although I was sorry she was upset when I told her it had been for nothing and we were going upstairs, it's not actually my fault she was too efficient for her own good. I wouldn't exactly call it "sneaked" when the clerk is probably still mad at me for wasting her efforts.


Let's not forget LESS MOTIVATED! I had no idea, when I turned that machine on, what I was about to find. You weren't bleeding. You weren't cramping. Your cervix was closed. I was happy with the way every single thing was turning out that day...right up until my planned entertainment of genital hunting went sour on us. If you were already worried about the baby having died, you were WAY ahead of me at that point.

t&l

Dark bitter chocolate is my fav, Neak. I also love a good cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream on top!

OK, a joke for you. Your smile needs refurbishing!

A man buys a donkey from a preacher, who tells the man that to make the
donkey move, he must say "Hallelujah," and to make it stay, he must say
"Amen."

The man gets on his new donkey, and says "hallelujah," and the donkey
trots off.
He travels through the mountains, and as he realizes he is heading
straight toward a cliff, he tries to remember the word to make the donkey
stop.

"STOP!" he cries, then "HALT," but the donkey keeps going! it is a
religious word, he recalls, and he tries "Bible," "Church," "Pulpit,"
but nothing works.

So, in desperation, he prays. "Please Lord, make this donkey stop
before we go over the cliff! Amen." The donkey comes to an abrupt halt
just one step from the cliff edge.

"Oh, hallelujah!" the man shouts ...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey, wait a minute. Mom, didn't you tell us the scary baby story <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> last year???????????

Mmmmmmm. A double order of cocoa and whipped cream coming right up.

You mean I was the only one worried when Doppler quit working? Maybe I had more confidence in your skills or sumpin.

Got this from Starz,

Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow =
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

I adore puns, and those were some of the worst I have ever heard. Congratulations for having them in your possession. I only wish I had thought of them first.

I didn't start worrying until I found out that your own pulse was smackdab in the middle of the range of heart rates I was hearing all over your abdomen. Not seeing cardiac activity with the ultrasound could, at least initially, have been explained away by the fact that I'm not trained to DO ultrasounds, and my lack of expertise was making me fail to find something that was really there. The Doppler IS within my area, and once I couldn't locate anything definitive with a piece of equipment with which I am skilled, it was easy to accelerate from 0-60 in a very few seconds.

I had thought I was going home to go to bed, but DivaDiva (I'm thinking up names for Neaksis' kids now) has undone schoolwork and was, at least till she found out who was going to supervise her, in an uncooperative mode. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It seems to have resolved quickly, however, and she is busy working right here at my side. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Funny how that works, isn't it?

t&l