Ok, a question about my upcoming NC4Me letter. Mom & Neaksis were unsure about this portion of it.

They agreed that I should resist all urges to try and um, enlighten her, and I know that even though it would be so so much fun to spread around a big load of truth, but nicely and without any namecalling, but it's starting to sound fun again so I'll quit talking about it.

But back in May during one of the few times I spoke to her, she asked how many people knew about the A. I got as far as telling her about the employees, and the discussion stalled there because she was so shocked, then I had to go. Now she has the false impression that only those few people know about it, when it was really many more at the time, and even more now.

It would make her really mad to find this out, so of course that makes it tempting. Plus that I wouldn't want to leave her with any false impressions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I am an honest person, you know.

Is this knowledge likely to make her mad but begin opening her eyes to her sleaziness and helping her to perhaps focus her attentions elsewhere, or just to give me some cheap satisfaction until she burns my house down? (I am only kidding.) If there's a chance that sharing this with her will improve anything in the long run, I will do it. If you don't think so, I shall resist, no matter how difficult.

Yes, he does do a bang-up job of his driving doesn't he? He's a Viet Nam veteran, non-combat medic who worked in the 93rd Evac Hospital critical care unit outside Saigon; MS was a combat non-combatant field medic at the same time and was treated after he was shot up by the unit where HP worked, so that HP would've taken care of MS before I ever knew him. How odd that would've been. The'd both probably enjoy bouncing around on some bulked-up, over-testosteroned, growling piece of machinery. I'm not sure about the navigator part, though.

Take care of yourself and your men. Do you have any who would like to receive letters from kiddies, perhaps? And a present now and again? We've got 6 kids who would really enjoy writing letters to some soldiers...and surely you can find some soldiers who might be amused by the Dervish, the Duelling Divas, The Bellowing Divo, Mr Computer, and Mr. Eyebrows-Option-Box-Not-Checked. They're certainly odd enough to be amusing to most people. And maybe you have someone who might be amused by Neaksis, young mother of the steel-toed army boots. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Neaksis and Kiddies on Adoption Day

She only looks delicate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

t&l

hi there t&l & neak and all

Neak are you ok after that little faux pas by that poor man ???.. I bet he's still digging that hole and wanting to pull the rock in..... isn't it strange how we all react like that to similar things? I'm sure you know he meant only the best, and that he knows you knew he was only being kind and friendly, and that he knew that you knew...I've lost that thread somewhere but you get the idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Even so I sometimes found those the MOST painful for short periods but no where near oh so deafening ''''QUIET'''' when I entered a room.
I could so much more easily handle the little boy who in front of his horrified mum asked me if my little boy had died. I told him yes he had gone to join the angels and he seemed happy to know that. I think the avoidence was so unhelpful and perhaps prevented healing.

hugs [[[[[neak]]]]] just because

tl hope HP is ok today and feeling somewhat better.

I am sure many would love to get some letters from kids tl however the SAS is not included in any program over here because of the wish the Gov has to keep them out of the publics eye.
Even our letters are restricted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
They have only very reluctantly permitted limited email on
R & R periods.

He said he may drop back for a few minutes tongiht but 'depends' ... I seem to get a lot of 'depends' but I suppose that is natural or rather un-natural ....'depnds' on your view of the world ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

'Law - rence' of Afghanistan is busy playing hooky <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I know you mentioned before tl that hp was a war vet too and I wondered if you have observed over the years if he is unable to or perhaps to better put it, is uncomfortable with emotions and casual touch by anyone.

I have noticed an increasing pattern with Aussie even to the extent of him being very very uncomfortsble when anyone, even when our dd or his brother or mum just hugs him without warning.
There is almost a look of revulsion that flashes across his face at being touched.

I spoke to dad about it and he said he could not remember but ask mum. SO I did..she said yes it was a problem for some years with dad but no one ever discussed it back then.
You just got on with it. Mmmmmmmmmm yes another healthy way to resolve matters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Oh goody I get to break some new ground. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I always wondered if this was common and had meant to ask before but never got around to it. I dont mean short term issues but rather long term one .... it does sort of concern me - not immediate of course but one of those things that sits at the back of your mind.
I do admit I'm a bit hesitant to discuss it with some other wives, might be opening a can of worms.
Anyway it was just an observation tl so I wondered if you have also seen it over the years?

Hot chocolate ALMOST replaces coffee ..takes a bit getting used to without sugar though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Whew, well I am starting to recover, anyway. He really was much worse off than I was. I could immediately see the humor of it, and I doubt he has been able to crack even a smile. I tried to reassure him in those brief moments before he cut and ran.

I am glad I haven't had any problems with Quiet Room Syndrome. Maybe that's because of it being such a small group - everyone knows me so well they don't feel awkward talking to me, or just giving a hug.

Speaking of hugs, {{{{{AW}}}}}} right back atcha.

For the pen-pal idea, it wouldn't have to be through a group. If Aussie knew of a couple of his guys that don't hear from home much, I can pass our address on to you to give them. I do think it would be really good for the kids, and who knows?, maybe for our brave soldiers, too. Or let's just say it would be an experience for them and leave it at that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So much venting to do, and so little time to do it in. I feel about 50 pounds lighter after last night, and by the time I finish that and also finish telling the rest about the baby, I might even float.

AJ & I have talked about so many things over the last couple of days, too, including my concerns about his truthfulness, that I mentioned a couple days ago. Even in the face of Gargamel telling a different story, he has stuck to his. I may never know for sure who was telling the truth, but after due consideration have decided to put my money on AJ. This is for the same reason I pretty much believe him about the night he says she didn't stay at the motel with him: he has been consistently truthful about so many big, awful things that made him look like the worst sort of cad, that it is not too much of a stretch to think he might have been truthful on the small things, too.

We had quite a discussion. He didn't like the way I 'interrogated' him, and I didn't like the way he yelled at me. I was going to leave for at least a couple of hours, but didn't have the keys with me when I ran out, so when I came back for them he asked me to stay and talk. I got out the D papers and fondled them a little bit (not in front of him), but ultimately decided to talk a bit more.

It went well, and we each understand the other better now. There will doubtless be other downs, but right now I feel for the first time in months, that we have a good chance of making it. I think we have reached a whole new level of R.

Best of all, he totally agrees with me that it is time for NC4Me. I thought I would at least have to try and convince him, but no. He had no trouble seeing the damage she was causing me, that was then spilling over onto the marriage, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it. In fact, he had the nerve to tell me he had already told me to do that very thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Such a typical man. What he actually told me was to see if the lawyer could write her a letter about the business stuff, and find out how much it would be to have him just handle anything else with that. Whatever...it wasn't worth arguing about when he agreed with me anyway.

I talked to our MC yesterday to let him know I was ready to come back. I figure why wait until something goes wrong and have to call him up in a hurry?

So things are going well, and this week I will be composing the NC4Me letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> While bracing myself for the likelihood that she will try to shock me out of NC. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Oh, in addition to my question about letting her know the extent of her exposure, should I reassure her that the STD tests came out clear?

Oh, I think I would suggest that she might want to see a doctor for some extensive testing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> After all, you had to do it because of HER...let her have a little worry and discomfort..not to mention the expense. (wish there was an icon for an evil grin!)

I think your going no contact would be very helpful for your marriage. I saw Cafe Woman last night for the first time in a year. We were at a party/silent auction for our local charity's fundraising. I don't even think my H spoke to her, and yes, I was watching him to see if he was watching her. Didn't notice it if he did.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

About the gentleman at church, I'm so sorry that happened. That seems to be a given thing to happen when we lose our precious babies, because people often don't hear about our tragedies or even read the obituaries. You apparently handled it better than I did, though. I was in the middle of Walmart on my first shopping excursion after Jamie died, when one of the clerks came up and exclaim, "Oh, you've had your baby! Did you bring it with you?" Tears sprung up immediately, and I just said, "My baby died." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> Afterwards, I realized that she must have felt just horrible. She was so sweet and apologetic, and I vaguely recall telling her that it was OK...that not everyone knew about it yet. Somehow, I managed to pay for what I already had put into my basket, and got home and cried for the rest of the afternoon. It happened a few more times, but I was more prepared.

I don't recall it happening after Amy died. It may be that I didn't go anywhere for a month, due to having to recover from what used to be called "childbed fever" (which really did a number on me), so people had time to hear about it.

AW, you handled things with the child beautifully, although I can imagine that her mother was mortified that her child could say something that would cause you pain. But, of course, children have very little concept of how their natural honesty can cause emotional pain. Generally, though, once they understand what happened, they can be so sweet and express sadness with you.

Make that "Neaksis, young mother with the steel-toed army boots"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Young mother of steel might work, though, especially on her "stern" days! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> What a busy day I have today. I'll try and come back sometime tonight and flush away all the suspense about the septic, since we've made some progress this week and are even daring to start feeling a little pumped about our prospects for success, and the elimination of our difficulties. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Lady C,

Do you want to talk more about your babies? It's ok if you don't, but I'm interested if you would like to.

I looooove your STD idea.

Poor people. It's not their fault they didn't know. I still can't believe he did that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Well, providing that Neaksis actually has time to go out on dates, she probably could amuse someone who isn't fazed by her steel-toed boots or her steel spine. It would be a very lucky young man who not only isn't fazed, but admires her steel. When the right guy comes along, even the prospect of being kicked by those steel toes won't scare him off. All Neaksis needs is the opportunity to meet him. She's beautiful, as I'm sure I don't have to tell you, so I'm quite sure that she gets quite a bit of interest.

You know, I can't even imagine having to pay $30,000+ for a septic system.....since where I come from, the cost is somewhere in the neighborhood of $3,000 or less. Maybe, y'all should just sell out and move to the South! No, there are no houses for $5,000 (at least, not any you would want to live in!), but you can get a decent, though small, house for less than $100 grand. DS is building his huge (5 bedrooms & 3-1/2 baths...gotta have some place to put those kids where they won't kill each other!) brick home for less than $150,000. 'Course, he is doing his own contracting, plus a lot of the actual work. At this point, all that remains to be done is painting the walls, installing the inside trim and cabinets, the floor covering, and paving the driveway.

Why is your septic system gonna cost so much? Is it just because of the high cost of things in CA, or is your dirt solid clay?

It's a 'special' kind of system. The regular kind are a little over 20K.

Ok, do you think I could get away with saying this? "You might want to get tested again. The doctor doesn't know yet why I am itching."

I do have a mystery itch. It is on my arms, legs, rear end, and sometimes my inner thighs. Sorry, probably TMI. No rash shows up, so it may be stress related, but since no one can see anything, nothing has been done. So those words ARE the exact truth. And some of the itches are close enough to those areas, right?

So may I may I please please, huh? *batting eyelashes*

Neakie - NO. You need to have NC with this person. She is much too low class and SLEAZY for you. When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas, or something like that.

Hm-m-m-m-m-m-m. Wonder if that has anything to do with the mystery itch? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Well, T&L, didn't think about THAT. Maybe you need to put a flea collar around her neck.

I'm going to the store for her tomorrow morning on my way home from work. I'll put it on the list! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

So is there anything, anything????????? at all legitimate that I can say that will be offensive as a side benefit? If not, I suppose cutting her off will be offensive enough.

It's just my last chance, and my evil side wants so badly to bite her, just a little bit. Even if I have to brush my teeth afterwards. But I also really want to do the right thing. If I can be right AND offensive, I'm all in favor of it, though.

The more you interact with her, the more you give her power. She needs to be like a blip on the radar screen of your happy marriage.

This is gonna be long. Sorry if it's TMI.

I don't mind talking about Jamie and Amy. Jamie would be 24 this coming January 2, and Amy would have been 21 this past August 22.

After a miscarriage (the 2nd one) from an unplanned pregnancy (tried the "mini-pill", which didn't work...TWICE!) at the end of 1976, we decided that I would have a tubal ligation the following spring. Well, when it came down to signing the papers, Lord Clueless couldn't bring himself to do it. I already wasn't really ready to actually go through with it, but had accepted his reasoning that two children were enough and that we really couldn't afford more. Also, I was still grieving the miscarriage. I told him, "Yes, I would like to have one more baby, but I want to have it by the time I'm 30. I do not want to be an "old" mother of a young child." So, we went home with me being fully intact, and stopped all birth control.

Time went by, and no pregnancy. After a few years, I was having some health problems, which turned out to be hypothyroidism. Finally, after getting a proper diagnosis and medication adjusted to the proper levels, WHAM! I was pregnant! We had not really worried about not getting pregnant...just kinda figured that it wasn't meant to be. Needless to say, we were overjoyed. I had every-other day sickness instead of morning sickness. My food cravings were for "healthy" foods, which I ate on the days I wasn't nauseated. I only gained 9 lbs., which was a surprise, considering that I had gained almost 30 with each of my older children. I carried Jamie really low, which caused some problems (little pains) when I tried to get up from a sitting position. Also was going to potty, constantly, and didn't dare to cough, sneeze, or even clear my throat!

In December, when I was 7 months along, I got up from Lord Clueless' recliner to go to the bathroom. About the time I got to the door of the living room, I had a pain which doubled me over. Scared me to death, but when nothing else happened, I attributed it to having gotten up from the sunken seat of that old recliner. I forgot about the pain and went about my business. By the time my next doctor's appointment rolled around the next week (December 22), I had noticed a lack of movement. That didn't concern me too much, either, as both my other babies didn't move around much toward the end of pregnancy. There had been some doubt as to the actual due date earlier, so I figured that my due date was earlier than we had thought. In fact, I told the doctor that I thought I would have the baby around the end of the year because I wasn't feeling the baby move. Back then, the doctors didn't have sonograms in their offices (at least not in the small town areas), but he got his Doppler and listened...then said, "This thing is really screwed up." and left the room rather suddenly. I now know that he realized that Jamie had died, but was trying to decide whether to tell me or not. He apparently took into consideration that it was Christmas, I already had two small children at home, and probably figured that I would go into labor on my own, anyway. He was a family friend, and I think he was very upset to find that Jamie had died. So, he told me to schedule an appointment for 2 weeks later.

In retrospect, I was worried to death, although I was in deep denial. I knew things weren't right. For instance, if I bent over, it was as if a bowling ball dropped inside my womb. On Christmas morning, while on the way to MiL's house, we had a minor fender-bender, and I bumped my head slightly. Lord Clueless wanted to take me to the ER, but I protested vehemently that I was fine. I now realized that I was AFRAID to go to the ER. I did not want to know that my baby was dead.

New Year's Day, I went into labor. We went to the hospital late that afternoon. X-rays confirmed that Jamie had died, probably some 3 weeks earlier. Labor was as easy as it had been before. Only problem was this stupid LPN or whatever she was, who apparently was on a mission to find a heartbeat, despite the doctor's diagnosis. After the 3rd time she came in to listen for a heartbeat and loudly announce to the nurse in the other room "Still nothing", I told Lord Clueless to keep her out of there.

Jamie was born at 4 a.m. on January 2, exactly a month before her due date. She was 16 inches long and weighed 2 lbs, 14 oz. She was perfectly formed and beautiful. The cause of death was placenta abruption. The doctor said that the only way she could have been saved is if I had already been in the hospital, and even then it would have been dicey, depending on how fast they could have done a C-section. She was probably dead within a few minutes after I had that doubling-over pain. He also said that I was very fortunate not to have hemmorhaged. The placenta had apparently aged and dried up, which is why I didn't hemorrhage. He said it was the sort of thing he usually saw in diabetic mothers, and was really strange because I didn't have diabetes.

For the longest time after that, I would suddenly awaken at 4 a.m.

Over the next two years, I had 3 miscarriages. I found a fertility specialist who specialized in high-risk pregnancies. He did the standard tests, but the month he did it, I didn't ovulate. I went back the next month to discuss our options, but I knew that I had already ovulated and told him that I was sure I was already pregnant. I went back the next week, and a blood test confirmed that Amy was there. He immediately put me on progesterone, and we got by the 8th week with no problems. I usually miscarried by the 8th week.

From then on, things seemed to go fine for a while. I had no morning sickness. In the 5th month, my BP and protein levels went up, so I was confined to bed rest..no salt, etc.
Everything seemed OK as long as I stayed off my feet. By the 6th month, I was growing concerned because there weren't any strong fetal movement. There was movement, but the barely there kind. Because of the problems with the placenta when I had Jamie, I was scheduled for induction at 37 weeks. On the morning of August 21, as I was still lying in bed, I felt the strongest and most active movement I had felt during the whole pregnancy. BTW, a couple of days earlier, I had experienced a few minutes of chills/rigors, and also noticed a slight discharge, but that all passed. Anyway, I was scheduled for an appointment on the 21st, (I was going every 2 weeks for non-stress tests at that time). By the time I got to the doctor, Amy was gone. He gave me the option of going home and waiting for labor to begin naturally or having induction begun that day. I opted for that day...I could not bear to go home and know that my baby was dead. At that time, we didn't know the cause of death.

Within a couple of hours after labor was induced, I was running a fever of 105, with the accompaning chills/rigors. By then, the doctor suspected amniocemtesis (t&l, did I spell that correctly?) The plan was that, since I had previous had very easy labors/deliveries, I would deliver in the labor room. Well, I was freezing, so the thermostat was set as high as it would go, and they were constantly putting heated blankets on me. Sweat was rolling off the doctor's and H's faces, because THEY weren't freezing.

And, as an aside, the PIT drip is appropriately named. It was the PITS! I hated it. I always had back labor, but I had to lie on my back due to the monitor being strapped onto my abdomend, and I never could get comfortable. Also, the PIT was relentless...no chance to get a breath between contractions. I had always given birth before with nothing more than a shot of Demoral, but about 5 a.m. on the morning of August 22, I suddenly, even to my own surprise, told the doc that I wanted an Epidural. He expressed surprise...saying that I seemed to be doing very well without it and was I sure I couldn't get by without it. I nearly took his head off...saying that I was trapped on my back, nobody would let me turn over onto my side where I could be more comfortable, I had cried all night, was exhaused, and by God, I wanted that Epidural! I got it.

Within the hour, Amy was born, feet first, before I was fully dilated. Along with her birth, the sac broke, confirming the doctor's suspicion of infection. The odor was horrible. Her head, however, got stuck. So, the doctor tussled with trying to finish her delivery while a 250-lb. nurse literally climbed onto my belly to try and push Amy the rest of the way out. I had bruises for weeks. I can remember the doctor saying, "It's a good thing you asked for that epidural, because you would really be cussing me right now." Finally, the doctor said that we would have to go to the delivery room because it would take surgery to get her out. I thought he meant an episiotomy and asked him why he couldn't just do that in the labor room. He very gently said, "No, I'm going to have to perform surgery on her so I won't have to cut you." Well, I started screaming, "NO! Just wait a few minutes!" Lord Clueless, however, was scared sihtless by this time (what with my high fever and now the problem with delivery, so he said, "Take her. Do what you have to do."

By the time they got me into the delivery room and onto the table, I finished dilating, and Amy was fully born. That was my greatest blessing about the whole ordeal...that they did not have to cut my precious baby. I now know that what the doctor had planned to do is what they do in what is called "partial-birth abortion".

The doctor was so relieved that he didn't have to do the surgery, as well. He did tell me that he admired my strength in the whole ordeal and that I had done everything that I was supposed to do for my baby. He also said that God was surely with me in leading me to ask for the epidural...that the pain would likely have been nearly unbearable if I hadn't asked for it. I have to agree with that, as I had no idea that I was going to ask for the Epi until it popped out of my mouth.

At 36 weeks, Amy was only 12 inches long and weighed only 1 lb., 12 oz. She was also a beautiful baby, but had a birth defect in which a loop of her intestines developed outside her body. I understand that in this sort of condition, the abdomen is usually open. In Amy's case, her abdomen was closed, with just a loop on the outside. Apparently, because her abdomen was closed, the loop of intestine had a blockage, which prevented her from growing normally. Her size was why I didn't feel strong movement. The strenuous activity that I noticed the morning before she was born was likely from distress as she was dying. Had she been born alive, she would probably have suffered terribly and still not survived. She would have needed extensive surgery, and due to the lack of nutrition en utero, would probably have been severely mentally challenged. So, I comfort myself that death prevented Amy from suffering further.

Then, almost 4 years later, I forgot to go to the drugstore one month, and later miscarried at 14 weeks. Don't know why, as doctor could find no cause of death. I had my tubes tied a couple of months later. I couldn't take it any more.

A few years later, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. I suspect that had a lot to do with my inability to carry to term.

Sorry if this is more than you wanted to know. I just don't know how to tell things without all the details.

But you know, I do realize that God was with me in all this. From what I can understand, I could have hemorrhaged and gotten myself in serious trouble when Jamie's placenta abrupted. Being alone at home in the county and 40 miles away from the hospital could have been really dangerous for MY life.

Going home to await natual labor to deliver Amy could have resulted in really serious consequences for me when I became ill with the infection that killed her. The doctor said that I was fortunate to already be in the hospital where I could immediately be given stong antibiotics...that the infection was so virulent that my life could have been seriously at risk. And, adding my sudden demand for the Epi, I definitely believe that God was protecting me through all of it.

Lady - That was painful to read. I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine how hard that was for you. I'm sorry for all your pain. Isn't it amazing how God's hand can be seen even in our disasters?

He will restore your babies to you again someday, and you will never be parted from them again. There are seldom clear answers down here, but up there He will explain everything and we will thank Him for His care.

Believer, thank you. I used to wish I could somehow become a sort of lay counselor for others who have lost their babies. However, one of the problems women face after such a loss is a fear that it will happen again. I know I had that fear, and it did happen again. So, I concluded that having two losses of nearly full-term babies would lessen my ability to comfort others.

Neak,



That is also one of my comforts. I didn't mention this in my earlier posts, but the most important thing happened in the midst of my despair over losing Jamie, and it was, I believe, the only way I could deal with the loss of Amy.

One day, some weeks after Jamie died, I was struggling with my grief, and yes, RAGE, over losing her. I finally just shouted at God, "Just do what you're going to do with me! I can't handle this anymore!" In the middle of the night, I suddenly woke, sat straight up in bed, and there was a GLOW in our room. The blinds were closed, and it was nowhere near dawn. I just sat there in awe, and felt the most wonderful peace and JOY in my heart. I then started thanking God for giving me two beautiful, healthy children and that I knew I would see Jamie again someday.

I know that the Holy Spirit visited me that night. I went to church the next Sunday and told my Sunday School teacher about it. You see, I had drifted away from God, and what I believe is this: That God wanted me BACK...that he loved me so much that he allowed this to happen, knowing that I would turn back to Him for help.

And, I thank Him, today, for not allowing Amy to suffer as she would have suffered if she had lived.

There is one thing that I can't do, though. I absolutely cannot go to the funeral of a child. It is all I can do to go to the funeral home for the visitation and sign the register. I can later go take a meal to the family and offer my condolences, but I can't handle the funeral stuff.

But, you know what? When I heard DGS#1 cry for the first time (through the delivery room door), I didn't realize that I had been basically holding my breath for the last couple of minutes before. Ex-DiL's sister was standing there with me, and when she heard me give a sigh of relief and say, "Thank God, he's here safe!", she asked me if I was really worried that he wouldn't be. Well, yeah, I guess I WAS worried that we would never have a baby in our lives again. I didn't realize that until that moment.

Now, DGS#1 is 14, and all he thinks about is girls! Now, I gotta worry about whether he will make me a GREAT-grandma before I reach retirement age! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> DS was not yet 20 when DGS#1 was born, so I hope history does not repeat itself!