Actually, the question is what you NOT do.

You don't do anything. Let him know that when the OW is well and truly gone and he has proof that he's actually done the work to get his life back in order, you'll consider reconciliation. Until then, you do nothing. Don't help him solve his problems, don't let him cry on your shoulder, don't run any errands, don't go to pick up his car with him, don't police his situation with OW, nothing.

You just need to resolve to quit trying to fix him and stick with that. I know it's extremely hard for you, I can't see any other solution.

Dobie

Do as has been adviced. STEP BACK away from this chaos and devestation. Let your WH fix his court issues and let him suffer the consequences of breaking the RO, etc.. Move on with your life and get your financial life in order, and get your children into a STABLE situation without all of this f-ing dysfunctional crap happening every 5 days.

You don't have to file divorce or do anything for that matter.............LET HIM DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO.

LET GO, and if he wants to come back and DO THE RIGHT Things instead of just talking BULL$hit, then you know you are in the "business" of recovery. For now, this is just another car crash waiting to happen.

Why don't you dig deep inside and get out of the car, and let the crash go on wihtout you. Someday, you are gonna stay in that car too long and may never be able to walk away.

This is just my opinion here. You can probably find a hundred contrasting opinions from me...MIMI??? you out there?

Goodluck.

LM

Dobie,
I understand what you are saying. However, NC has been established. When I look at the link that Suzet has in the thread it is exactly the opposite during withdrawal.

I guess everything has two sides. I am going to step back a bit. My children don't see all of this behind the scenes stuff. WH has not come here, and they don't really notice anything different. I will let him call me, and initiate all communication. I am not sure about the trip yet.

Danielle

What did the letter say?

Heck you may want him to keep the phone on, so someone can try to call this weekend and you can wonder why she's not home......

Dani,

You're dealing with much more than NC and withdrawal in your situation. And if he's reading a letter from her, he's not truly participating in NC yet.

Dobie

The letter basically said 'forgive me, I love you, I am sorry for being so angry, violent, dependant, and I need you'

I shouldn't have told him it was fine to open it...

I learned...

Danielle

ANd I think the lesson learned here is that even a whimsical letter like this gave him the impetus to start the whole vicious cycle of dysfunctionality back to her.

A man who really wanted recovery and really wanted their family back after doing all he has done to you and the children WOULD NOT even entertain the thought of reading the letter let alone ask you if it was "ok".

IN the co-dependant script, you are now here chastising yourself for "letting him" read it.

Dani, I am afraid that you are probably going to have to learn a lot more lessons like this untill you "get it". I wish I could be more hopeful for you and your situation. This has LONG AGO stopped being about marriage building.

Best wishes,

LM

I'm mystified as to why you'd tell him that. The only thing I can think of is that it's part of the co-dependency situation that you'd condone him in feeding his addiction.

You know I tend to relate things to dogs disturbingly often. That scenario makes me think of someone trying to keep their dog from eating from the trash can, but then pulling some leftovers from there and feeding them to the dog.

Dobie

You are correct, but he knew your answer before he asked the question, otherwise he wouldn't of asked it.

Look at the facts:

He CHOSE to read the letter
He CHOSE to protect the letter
He CHOSE to hide the letter
He CHOSE to keep the letter

Irregardless of what you said or did, those are the choices that HE made. HE OWNS THEM, THEY ARE HIS. DO NOT TAKE ANY OWNERSHIP IN THOSE WHAT-SO-EVER. He made choices that he knew would harm you and is continueing to do so. If I had a fifty in my pocket, I would bet it that this weekend thing is another harmful choice.

And now look at your actions:

You CHOSE to let him read it, against your better judgment I'm sure. Which BTW he would of read anyway. PERIOD....

Then we started talking about our 'trip'. Well now he wants to go alone. He said he needs time alone, on the open road. I told him that 1/2 the reason we had planned to go now and get his car was so we could be together away from all of this and talk. He said he thought about it last night and wants to 'be alone'. He said we were arguing and he didn't want to argue in the car so he wanted to go without me. He could tell I was upset and he said 'I am just stressed out right now'

I had only read to this far before I wanted to comment...forgive me if someone else has suggested it. My last dollar says that he won't be "alone"...I would say that SHE is going with him.

He has weaseled back in...and he is going back to his old actions.

His words opened the door...why didn't you make his actions be the key to getting back in?

committed

I have to go along with Dobie & Lemonman and many of the others.

Dani, you can't do the recovery thing for him. You are doing 90 percent of the work, and he is turning around and resenting you for it. This is Dennis the Menace with Mom and the Cookie Jar.

Do you want that for your marriage? These are the patterns you are setting for the future in recovery. What if you "recover" but there's another OW a year down the road -- not a crazy one this time? Wouldn't you rather know the bad news now and get a head start on the rest of your life?

People always talk about MB "failing" when the marriage isn't recovered. But in this case, as in many others, you have to wonder if your WH now has the stuff to make a marriage work with anyone. (I know, I know, he didn't used to be like this. My WH didn't, either. But at some point you have to face that some people do deteriorate.)

If he can't summon the strength to do the enormous -- on his side -- work of recovery, he won't have the strength to do a marriage. And then you're better off without him.

The next question is: can he do a marriage with YOU? Or are your co-dependency patterns so strong that YOU will keep it from working? Are you trapped in this Dennis-the-Menace game? To be harsh, does he need a different kind of a woman to establish some real boundaries and let him become a man?

And now he knows where you live... and then so does she.

Your life is in danger once again, dear. Do you realize this isn't some kind of game where you can let the revolving door on your heart open to this man until he's been clean and clear of the OW for at least 6 months and she has left the state and found some new obsession????

Just to clear things up, WH does not know where I live.
Basically, I know I am a mess right now...
I called my doctor and made an appt for tomorrow. I obviously need help...
Danielle

Well, Dani, at least you've kept the letter. That's proof that OW is breaking the terms of her RO. If WH is going to break his terms, too -- after all the promises to you, the courts, etc. ... maybe it's time to be really cold-blooded. Maybe it's time to turn over the evidence to the courts and cut the cord. Let him win his way back, and get real this time, rather than you helping, cajoling, and begging him to pull up his socks. And then you pulling them up for him when he says he's too tired.

It's an option, anyway. Think of it this way: you may be saving his life, as well as your own and the kids.

The "time by myself to think" does sound fishy, and it may be a junket for WH and OW. Or an excuse to contact OW along the way. But you can't nag him into recovery. He has to want to.

As Lemonman said, this stopped being about MB long ago. This is about protecting yourself and the kids.

Danigirl,

After I’ve read up on your history and the other responses you received on this thread (I didn’t follow your story & posts before), I’ve realised that your situation and your H’s behavior is indeed much more complex than I thought...it’s not only about withdrawal in your H’s case… The guidelines I’ve posted to BS’s in my withdrawl thread is only applicable if the FWS is 1) 100% committed to the BS and M; 2)committed to NC; 3) respecting and honoring the BS’s boundaries and 4) also willing to do everything possible to help the BS heal & recover and to protect the M. After I’ve read your continuous posts on this thread, I can see this is not the case with your H… Although there is some good, positive & hopeful actions on his part, he is definitely not 100% committed to you, the M, NC and recovery yet.

Suzet

Danigirl,

Your post is about guarding your heart, and I believe that the folks who have posted to you on this thread are trying to get you in that direction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We at MB are all aware that you love your H very much. We know that you want your marriage and H back, however, H is now WS.

Hon, could you just step back and stop SMOTHERING your WS?? He has gone directly from ow to you. He did not pass go, he did not get $200.00, he went straight to jail. He went straight from one woman to another, and YOU need to step back and let him figure this out for himself.

You need to set your boundaries.

I would also recommend that you need to go on with your life, be the opposite of ow, offer calm conversation, and no stress. But be distant, cause this is not over yet. You need to let this all end, and NOT interfere. Turn your WH over to God and let Him deal with this. You set your boundaries and step back, PLEASE. Sometimes people have to fall one there own, but be a lighthouse, (a distant one at that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.) and not an outhouse. LOL.

If you instist on having contact with WS while he is continuing contact with ow, be distant and let WS figure this out. If he is is contact just be wise as a snake and innocent as a dove. Get your ducks in a row in case you need them.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst girl, and keep up with the prayers, as we all care about your and you need to listen up.

I do have to add that I believe that one of your conditions for reconcilliation is some counseling for WS, whether it be Harley's or whatever else, please try to get WS in for counseling and perhaps a diagnosis, as his mental health has be a big red flag for me, and (Good) counselors are trained to watch for these things.

And by all means, protect your kids from all this. It ain't over yet. Can I sing chorus with PEP and say [color:"red"] [/color] , Dani!!!

All I can say is (((((HUGS)))))), and truely, you need prayers.

Step back from all this and do what is healthiest for you, your children and your marriage.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. And can I say one more time, stop [color:"purple"] [/color] your WS? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dani,

Just checking in to make sure you didn't end up with a concussion from all our 2x4s!

Dobie

Dobie,
Thank you for thinking of me. You don't even really want to know what has been going on...you wouldn't be impressed. I am apparenmtly too stupid to catch on before I got my heart broke again.

Danielle

Ohhhhhhhhhh Noooooooooo, c'mon.... What's been going on?

Aw, Dani. We nag at you, but distancing yourself takes practice and we know that.

Is there any chance you can find a counselor who specializes in co-dependency? I know there are also some good books on the issue.

Dobie