Well I am not the brightest bulb in the box....
On my way to the land (we were clearing land yesterday) I stopped at my inlaws to say good morning to my WH and pick up my recorder that he was going to try to use. I got the recorder, with no tape. I confronted about the tape. He finally got the tape, said he had lied about not being able to record the OW. I listened to it. He had talked to her on Friday and filled her head with 'if you just wait for the court to be over we can move somewhere together'. When I asked him about that he said he was trying to keep her in his 'good graces' and that he would never move from Maine willingly again. So I was upset. We talked about it, I told him that NC meant NC. I told him that the letter thing was not okay, and neither of us handled it correctly. He said he knows, and he was sorry. blah blah blah. He knew he couldn't contact her, but that his heart and emotions kept taking over, he didn't know how to handle it. I talked to him about ways to cope, and tried to be nice, although I was quite upset. After about an hour of talking, he said that he really wanted to work on the marriage, but was so confused emotionally that he was having a hard time not calling her, etc. He called the phone company and blocked incoming calls from her house. He said he needed to take steps so that he couldn't accept her calls, because he couldn't do it himself. Whatever. He said he needed to fix the exhaust on his car and it would take about an hour. His Mom and Dad had asked me the day before if I wanted to bring the kids for dinner. WH said 'go get the kids, and when you are back I should be done with the car so we can spend time together'
Okay, Danielle falls for WHS BS tactics.
I go get the kids. Get to the InLaws, the kids are so happy to see their grandparents, as their grandparents are happy to see them. No WH in sight.
I am fuming. Finally he calls, about an hour later. He said he had to go get a part for the car, but they were sold out. I didn’t believe him and I let him know that. So, as we were all eating dinner I started to get more mad and mad. I went out to his car, and WALA! a cell phone. WH does not have a cell phone. OHHH but OW has 2!! Yep, text messages, calls, the last tm was from JUST before he called me.... 'thanks for the good sex, remember you promised me that you knew I loved you more then Danielle ever will, and you won't keep trusting her...always, OW'
Well my calm self went uncalm REAL quick.
Basically I flew off the handle on him. He came up with some damn story. He is sorry, I can't expect him just to cut all ties, he still cares about her. He said he thought I understood that this was going to be hard, he is doing the best he can.... He said that when we spent 3 days together he didn't call her or contact her at all, and that was hard. Then when I left he couldn't stop himself from calling her. He said the only way he could do NC was if he lived away from there, with me, but that I wouldn’t let him. blah blah blah. Well I LBed and was pissed. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't let someone who would throw his family to the wayside in my life, etc. I told him that he needed to get in the real world, and quit living in Adam land. He kept begging me not to go to the police and tell them that they had been in contact. He kept saying 'if you care about me like you say you do, don't burn me' I held on to the cell phone and that made him angry. I finally gave it back, and he sped out of the driveway and was gone. I guess it is over, for good...
Danielle

dani--i am so sorry for this. but please remember it isnt you it is him that is sick. yes you have stuff to work out but he is the one choosing his own actions.

go dark and get out of it. i would also report him, but thats just me.

Dani, please do your WH the biggest favor of his life and REPORT him! I would have held onto the cell phone for evidence but I understand you were emotional at the time. Please listen to Nikko and go very, very dark. Get your kids out of this chaos and protect yourself. Those two are dangerous.

{{Dani}}

I sat there holding on to the cell phone for an hour. His Mom finally said 'give him the cell phone and just subpeona the records'

He kept saying if I cared about him, blah blah, he won't go back to jail, etc.

Danielle

if hes so serious about not going to jail then the simple answer is stop breaking the law!!!!

It's still all about blaming you for everything, isn't it?

I love it when you say "blah blah blah". It gives me hope for you!

Shane

Oh yea, it's all my fault. You know, I owe him my life. Believe me, I am hurt, sometimes I think worse then D-Day. I should have known it was coming though, I really should have. I told him that if he didn't want to go back to jail, start making the right choices. He said 'what they don't know won't hurt them' 'Only you, OW and I know about it, so if you try to get me back in jail, my life is on you'

Whatever...I am really sick of it. I am so hurt, so darn sick, I couldn't sleep last night, I just want to smack him until he understands. I said 'I am so hurt' He said 'why' I said 'WHAT!?!?!' He said 'I think I am the one hurt here'
Yea, it's all about him. I told him that, and he said 'no actually it's all about you.

Why do I hold on to such a mean man? Why do I keep remembering the old him? Why do I love the old him so much that I accept the new him?
I guess I need to figure that out for myself...
I am scared for him at the same time, I hope he is ok right now, I hope he came home last night....

Danielle

I need to figure out exactly how to prove the contact. The cell phones are two new cell phones, in the OW Hs name. They talk back and forth on them so that 'no one will catch them'.

I do know that when the OW was arrested on base about a week ago WH was with her and picked her up, that could prove contact.

Danielle

I wouldn't bother with reporting it. That engages you back in the drama.

What I wouldn't do to be able to give you drama repellant spray!

Dobie

“””WH has shown great progress in his desire to keep NC, air out the lies, open up his life, and become a family again.”””

Obviously A LIE. STRIKE ONE….

”””WH has come clean on his lies over the past month or so”””

Obviously lying. STRIKE TWO

“””WH knows this, and he said he wished he could change that, and never have hurt me, but he can only better himself and love me from here on out.”””

Obviously lying. STRIKE THREE

“””he sometimes says 'I am done with that B____,”””

Obviously A LIE. STRIKE FOUR….

“””and our children and you deserve so much more”””

Finally he tells the truth….

“””I have made it clear to him that I can’t and won’t get hurt again….”””

OK, well you did so what are you going to do about it?

”””Suggestions? Ideas? Thoughts?”””

If you feel you need to stay engaged in the situation for him to feel the full results of his actions then call the county attorney where the RO was filed. Tell them everything including his parents as witnesses. Other than that IMHO you need to go into NC with him for you and your children’s sake. No phone calls. No stopping by. No nothing. Go dark. If you feel it’s time to end things then consult an atty and get the ball rolling. Speak through your actions, your words fall upon deaf ears.

Well,
I am going to pick up the divorce paperwork. I am not sure if I should do it in the county where I live, or the county where WH lives. I am thinking his, since it is a smaller court, and because they have his criminal case information there. I am not sure really, I can file at either one...
If the clerk asks me why I am doing this, since she has seen us in there together, I will be honest, there is continued contact.

Danielle

Because you want to believe you are lovable. By holding onto the memories of the old husband who loved you, you can prove to yourself that you are lovable no matter what is going on now. If you allow yourself to look at the present reality, it brings up questions about how lovable you are, how good of a wife you are, whether you deserve a good mariage-all those insecurities we all struggle with. If you can make him back into the husband you remember, then you can reassure yourself tha you are lovable, a good wife, a good mother, and so forth.

The irony is, by holding on to such a "mean man", you put yourself in a situation in which the insecurites grow. If you let go of him, you let go of the chief source of your current pain, and open yourself up to the possibility of a future in which you are loved.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: Plan B. Go dark, go dark, go dark.

Dani, your posts today are all about "I told him, I said, then I told him..." Stop arguing, pleading, cajoling, reasoning. The main reason to do so is NOT that it's doing no good. It isn't. But the main reason to stop is that it turns YOU into an arguer, pleader, cajoler, reasoner. It's an unpleasant place to be. And, from an MB point of view, it's very unattractive, for what it's worth. Let his parents do that stuff. They know the score now.

You need to figure out the rest of your life. You need to figure out a way to support your family by yourself (it's very likely he won't be in the picture at all a few years down the road). You need to be calm and rational, and not caught up in this emotional and legal upheaval. It's far from done yet.

Most of all, MOST OF ALL, you need to protect yourself from nutters who have guns. OW is likely to show up wherever she can find you with a weapon. Have you at least got some pepperspray?

Please do turn the contact info over to the cops. Then cut the cord. Start focusing on life without him.

I don't mean to whack with the 2X4s today, Dani, but reflect: If you'd gone into Plan B a month or two ago, as we suggested, where would you be now? Think: you would have missed all this drama, all the heartache and the ups-and-downs. You'd be focusing on your kids and your life right now. You'd be way ahead of where you are now.

This isn't just to make you feel bad: It's to focus you on the future. There are more scenes coming in this drama. You should be out of them. It's time to go dark now. You don't even want the in-laws to tell you how he is, except as it relates to your physical safety, and that of your kids. You want to airlift out of all this. Let WH and OW duke it out with the courts. Remember the story of tar baby?

Right now, you are positioning yourself as WH's mom, trying to sort him out, lecturing and scolding. That leaves the role of "lover" and soulmate for his lover -- is that where you want to be in this situation? Let his mom be his mom. You have your own kids. You be the lighthouse -- bright, but far away.

Ohh, Danielle, I am so sorry! I don't think that I have ever posted to you, but often read your threads.

I know how hard you have worked at all this, and how strong you have been. In court, moving with the kids and all. You CAN do this. Take some deep breaths (don't hyperventilate) and make a NEW plan. The old one stopped working. IMHO, anyways. I really am in no place to give advice but I can still try, right?!

What a complete idiot your WH is, and sorry Idiotville for the insult! What part of not lying and NC don't these stupid subhumans get???!!?

HUGS Danielle,

jls

I don't mean to whack with the 2X4s today, Dani, but reflect: If you'd gone into Plan B a month or two ago, as we suggested, where would you be now? Think: you would have missed all this drama, all the heartache and the ups-and-downs. You'd be focusing on your kids and your life right now. You'd be way ahead of where you are now.

IMHO, it wouldn't have mattered much because she wasn't and still isn't ready for a PlanB.

She needs to be totally fed up with the situation to be ready for a PlanB. That's the only way that it will succeed.

She needs to look into herself and see what her payout is in all this. There has to be one...or she wouldn't stay entrenched in it.

JMHO
committed

Maybe if I had stuck to my Plan B I wouldn't know as much of the drama that I do, and I wouldn't be so directly involved. I really don't think that it would change the marital situation that I am in right now though.

I am upset with myself for behaving like I did yesterday night with WH. I LBed, got angry, and broke down. He WAS living at his parents, calling me daily, coming home at night, etc. NC had not been established as promised, I know, but he had a better outlook and spent time with his family. Since last nights fight he sped off and hasn't come home. He had said that he was really trying, and it would take time...now I feel like because I 'flipped out' he is back at square one. I know that I am not responsible for his feelings or actions, but I know that my attitude didn't help. I wish I could say sorry, but it wouldn't change anything. The OW changed her profile online back to 'in love with WH'. Sick....

I went to pick up divorce papers today. WH and I have court against the OW on the 24th. I have no idea how that is going to play out now... It is a protection from harassment order, and it is WH and I against her. I am going to look pretty stupid in court with him playing both sides. Oh well.

I talked to the DA and domestic violence advocate about the continued contact and the current and recent situation. She said that nothing I said surprised her or she wasn't aware of. She said that it was my choice alone, that if I knew where WH and OW were at a particular moment I had the choice to call the police and they would both be arrested. She said that the police and DA know there is contact and are watching out for them though.

I guess my plan at this point is to have NC with him until either the day before court, or the day of court. That is two weeks from now.

Danielle

"""He had said that he was really trying, and it would take time..."""

Dani, then what was he doing with the phone....? Don't take any ownership of his mistakes. I think going quite is great and you have absolutely nothing to apoligize about. His continued poos choices have led him to exactly where he is at. If he holds true to form he'll be contacting you, especially if there is another court case coming up......

C&L, With all due respect, I don't think you understand the principles behind Plan B. It's a disciplined, strategic move after a good Plan A to force the WS to get all their needs met by the OP. It is decidedly not something you do when you are "totally fed up" with the situation. That is when it is most likely to be unsuccessful.

The situation here is one of codependency -- not much of a "payoff" for Dani.

And Dani, you're right. It may not have made a difference in your marriage. It would make a difference in YOU. You would be better prepared for the efforts you are now facing -- the efforts of facing life alone for the time being. In fact, you wouldn't be thinking so much of making a difference for your marriage if you were deep into Plan B now -- you would have started thinking in other terms. Very clearly, the future of your marriage is not in your hands. It's in his. And it doesn't look terribly promising right now.

The difference it would have made in YOU would have been immediately evident to WH. He would have seen a Dani that is stronger and more independent. A lighthouse. Not someone LBing and demanding changes he clearly does not want to make.

Equally importantly, you would be saving your energy for the effort of recovery, should a true recovery occur -- rather than spinning out on the rollercoaster ride of the affair. False recoveries burn a lot of trust and energy. I know. I had one.

And most important of all, Dani, you would be focusing your energy on your family. The energy you are spending on WH right now is a washout. The energy you put into your kids, and protecting them from this madness, will pay off in spades.

The time to begin is now. Never forget, Dani, that you are people who are violent and have guns. That's the bottom line.