I guess the phrase 'fed up' was the wrong one to use.

I still think that people take no action until they are "tired" of doing the same thing over and over and getting no results. Hence, the use of the phrase "fed up with the situation". I also think it acts as a catalyst for them...when they would otherwise remain in the cycle.

I don't see how it would necessarily mean that it would be unsuccessful. You'd think that it would help them be more successful with a strong PlanB.

About the "payout"...I really think there is one for anyone that stays in a relationship, especially one that is so dysfunctional. Otherwise, there would be no reason to stay in it.

Again...JMHO

committed

Gosh Dani,

I hope you have not given WS your address or Phone # yet.

You need a whole lot of prayers.

Praying for you to STEP BACK. Okay, you have info from cell, etc. Time for you to be WISE AS A SNAKE, and as innocent as a dove.

Let me reiterate (is that proper?) you need to step back. Use the information that you have and decide what is HEALHIEST for you, children, family, marriage.

The way your WS was acting I could have told you there was contact. It NEVER stopped.

Gosh, you have WS with you for maybe a week, in the past year.

Hon, WS needs to hit bottom on his own. Don't enable, however, be the
opposite of ow when you must have contact with your WS.

You know WS better than ow does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />Use this information to your advantage. And ps, don't LB just because you have this information.

I suggest you distance yourself at this time, even if you cannot bring yourself to plan B. Don't be mean, but you have to go on, you can't keep yourself and kids in this drama indefinately.

My final advice is that since you have spent so many $$ on this, why couldn't you spend a few $$ on Harley professional advice. It just might be worth it girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"purple"] [/color] CAN I GET A WITNESS????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Huggsss!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Danigirl,

Well I didn't get a witness, LOL!!

Anyway, bumping up for you.

I really am sorry you are going thru so much right now.

Just know that we all care and prayers for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We all know that you love your H. Just want you to do what is healthiest for you and your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope all is well with you and your children. You have done a great job of protecting them so far. (((((((hugs!!!))))))

Oh, and did I tell you that you are [color:"purple"] [/color] WORTHY ?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Dani,

Reading some of your posts brings back bad memories. Like your WS, mine did similar and for some stupid A reason, it is usually the man WS who is dominated by a nutcase (OW like in my case PBR) who like drama to survive.

It took me a long time to figure this out but as long as the OW can thrive on the drama, she will live...... as an OW. When the drama dies, the OW part of her will weaken or cease to exist. It may take a D or RO or even catching him in the act and spending quality time at the local HJ (home jail aka: Howard Johnson's) - LOL!!!

What you need t/d is pull yourself out of the drama. The WS and OW are in for a rude awakening but you should not be. You have been coached and warned what to watch for, keep on watching and do not participate in the drama. Protect yourself and your children from his prey.

The OW will try to control you, that I am fairly sure. Know this ahead of time and be prepared. Use this info to your advantage and you can actually have a greater impact on her than you will realize. So much so that the OW may cry that she is afraid of you. Should she be? Yep, any nut s/b afraid of a BS. LOL!!!

Get out of the drama. Live the real life.

take care,
L.

Orchid, Miss M, Committed,
Thank you.

I haven't tried to call him since Wednesday nights altercation. I am really sorry and ashamed of the way I acted. I can think of so many things I should have said instead of how I acted. A bit late now. I am trying not to blame myself that he is back living with the OW. I feel like I gave him a big shove pushing him over to her. I may have ruined any chances we had...at a future recovery. He was coming home, now he is back living with her. One step forward, 300 back.

I went to new student orientation at college today. I am transferring since we moved. School starts tomorrow, so that should keep my mind busy. I talked to WHs and my mutual friend last night who was very happy to see WH and I trying to work things out. He hadn't heard from WH since he left. I told him the 'story'. His response was 'I feel like calling him and asking him WTH he is doing! I guess if they want to live together and kill each other we can't stop them' Sad, but true.

I am going to go to court on Tuesday and subpoena the telephone records for "our" RO against the OW on May 24th.

I may serve the D papers on the 25th....I just don't know.

I am trying not to think about him, how so very hard.\

Miss M...I was really hoping that WH and I could use SHs services....

Danielle

Danigirl,

Just a quick reply as I have to go to work soon.

(Hugs) Danielle, you are not the first or the last to say and do things that you regret. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It was all with good intentions, as you love your H and want him back. Let your WS work things out for himself. It is time for you to step back, let your WS hit bottom.

This is not your H right now. This is WS, and a different person. I believe your WS has some serious mental issues that need to be dealt with. HE has to recognize this and deal with it himself, you cannot make him do this.

Anyhoo, please go ahead and make sure to get that restraining order against ow, even if it is just for you. You MUST protect yourself from the danger ow represents to you and kids.

Perhaps plan B is in order right now. You learned a lesson this time around. I hope you can step back at this time and do what is healthiest for you. You need to protect yourself and your kids at all costs. This is not the usual MB situation, and you need to take any threats very seriously.

As to Steve H, perhaps he could be of some use to you. You don't need your WS with you to get advice. And I really believe calling Steve H would be beneficial to you.

None of us are professionals here, and we worry about you. I think it would be a great relief for we MBer's and for YOU if you would at least counsel one time with Harley. Think about it hon, it sure won't hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good luck with school. Good that you are moving forward for yourself.

We all care, please keep us updated and most of all, keep SAFE.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Dani,

Don't be ashamed. Your heart is still in this M and your love your H but the WS is the current character inhabiting his body. Therin lies the confusion of dealing with him in a physical and verbal manner.

That is why you need to step out of the drama. Know that the WS will go and live with the OW regardless of even his family obligations and the law. See how the WS processes his logic? That alone makes him unsafe to be around.

NC with him for you is vital. Why? Because he choose NOT to have NC with the OP. It really doesn't matter which OP the A has him addicted.

When my WS was like that and I went to plan B, I wondered out loud how many OPs there were and if he was bi-sexual. He really wasn't and at the time there was only this one highly need OW but still I wondered out loud. He denied it and then I looked at him and said.....

L: Wonder if you are bi-sexual and about the other OPs.

WS: There aren't any others.

L: Oh really?

WS: I am telling you the truth.

L: Well the truth doesn't seem to be in the habit of coming out of your mouth lately so I just gotta wonder. You know your 'kind' can go 'both ways'.

WS: Hm.... you are right.

L: I certainly wouldn't want to be one of 'your kind'. YUCK!

WS: Me too.

L: Yea well until you do some thing about it, you are and right now I am getting a wiff of something coming from you.... maybe you better go. Not sure what your body odor is producing.

WS: I don't smell anything.

L: Yea, well I do. Must be all those 'people' you hang aroud with. It has your nose not working.

WS: You think?

L: Don't know.

WS: Can I take a shower?

L: Nope. You probably could at the OWs house but when you come out you'd still smell again because whatever it is permeated in her environment.

WS: You think it is her dogs?

L: Those B!tches? Well, I hope not but am sure it is one b!tch that is stinking up the neighborhood. Best you leave, it is starting to make me nausous.


Funny huh? It happened. My point is I sent him out the door wondering.

For me that was good.

L.

Stop that. Stop that right now. Your behavior was certainly counterproductive -- but you have NOT "ruined" anything. He has. Repeat that to yourself twenty times an hour.

He broke the law, he broke promises, he's been jailed, he lost his job, he is committing adultery. THAT's what's ruining your chances -- not your reaction to these events. You can only try to load the dice, at this point. The rest is not in your hands. Please, please, please go dark. Stay off their radar screen. They're armed and dangerous.



Damn straight. And get some pepperspray while you're at it.

Everyone on this board keeps saying "he's got to hit bottom." He's lost his job, been beaten up by the OW, jailed for attempted murder, and is homeless. He HAS hit bottom. It just hasn't stopped his descent yet. That's scary.

Dani,

I hope you go dark if not for yourself at least for your children's and AM Martin's sake. For those of us that have had the pleasure of meeting her in person, her posts to you are waay beyond her quiet and demure character.

If you don't take some strong action and remove yourself from this drama, I am not sure if all the BS' in CA will be able to hold her back from coming over there and putting the Ws on the rack. LOL!!! Ok JK but I have never seen AM get so riled up, even over her own sitch as crazy as it was/is.

So pay heed Dani, what you are writing maybe only part of what is really going on but you are accepting too much of it as ok. In reality it isn't.

L.

Danigirl,

Oh my stars and little fishes, you have Orchid and AAM posting to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You are such a fortunate gal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Listen up.

Lord God Grant Danielle the serenity to accept the things she cannot change, the courage to change the things she can (herself) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Thank you Orchid and AAM for your so very wise advice.

HUGS!!! Danigirl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Holding you up.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Let's just say I have some experience with weird and violent situations. The biggest common factor seems to be a key player who underestimated and misjudged the situation. "Oh, Linda would never do that...Fred has never hit me...Oh he has a gun just for protection...you're blowing things out of proportion."

Most of the time, nothing happens. But when it does, it's 100 percent for the victims.

Every time I have a gut feeling on this one, it plays out. My worst suspicions come true. I think it would be extremely unwise to underestimate this one. Let's just hope this is one of the 99 cases out of 100 where nothing "happens." But meanwhile, I think Dani should be prepared.

Think, Dani: he almost came back to you. OW knows that. Look at how she behaved when she seemed sure of him. He wound up in jail, beaten up, on attempted murder charges. What's she going to do now that he's been home for a week? What are the fights going to look like now?

Stay very dark. Still Here Making It has some good advice below:

Hey gal,

What I read in your posts are the responsibility you are taking in all this..."If I had only...If I hadn't..." And I hear you taking WAAAaaaaayyy too much responsibility for WH and OW's behavior.

No matter WHAT you do, WH and OW are going to need to live out this drama.

You did not drive him to her, you did not make her mad and you did not create the drama between them.

From what I read on here, you are working WAAAaaay too hard at trying to control this uncontrollable situation.

Imagine this A as an ugly disturbing Television program you are watching. No matter how much you yell at the TV, gesture at it, or move the TV around, you have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THE PROGRAM. What you DO have control over is what you choose to watch. You can change the channel. You can take yourself out of it, not let it frustrate you any longer, NOT WATCH with the futile hope you have ANY control over it. You can CHANGE the channel and preserve the love you have.

The WH/OW drama needs to play out. Their abusive cycle needs to complete or else he'll pine for her. Allow him to go through withdrawal without you...and with her. He's going to get over her and the lifestyle...it's just a matter of when...you want to watch this?

dani,

I had asked orchid and lost husband to stop over here..oh and bob pure also...and you got some good help.

you are taking responsibility for his actions...

it's time to go dark.

you know what you have to do..

now is NOT about lb'ing, mb'ing or anything. it is about recovering danielle and keeping the kids safe.

he's not in his right mind...but there is a price to stay with somebody like him who has repeatedly after time after time done the same thing...

his words did NOT match his actions when he was supposedly in "recovery" with you...again, it was what you wanted to hear.

he's living with ow and they are toxic together...all the reason to get on wtih things.

most states do honor a separation agreement. I think since they're shacked up again now, it's time for that...time to secure custody and safety for your kids...what do you want time to pass and lose a good window for you keeping primary custody? I don't think you want that...

do not do as I did and wait too long. there is a price to pay when you wait.

sometimes miracles happen...and sometimes they are just miracles you do not understand..until much later.

it took the miracle of me finding myself...I am better off at my new recovery...single and a great mom...than being in that dead marriage.

you have to reclaim you now..you have to keep the kids safe..

if you don't act, you'll be stuck spinning your tires in the mud for another six mos. or so...and they'll still be outta control, the ws and ow.

when you asked him for the phone to be disconnected, that was a rational request...when you asked to go with him on that road trip, it was a rational request...you saw the writing on the wall...and nothing you did pushed him to ow. he is making negative choices...and very dangerous ones. he seriously needs professional help. and she does...and you need to continue getting it..

this is not about what you do or do not do anymore. he's incapable of showing anything that has anything to do with a recovery at all. he is abusive both mentally and has the potential to do real physical harm.

I never thought my xh would harm me... but I was wrong.

abuse comes in degrees...and it starts off small and then progresses. in fact, my xh used to blame me for his "doing" the bad things...and I used to think if I could only change me, I could fix him. wrong thinking...it was he who needed the fixing.

I fixed myself...found out that I am a pretty cool person. and when you do go black, dark, or just simply wake up from his passive abuse, you'll feel like you had a ton lifted from your back.

when you reclaim dani, you will understand. but now is not the time to beat yourself up...let them do that to each other...as they did in the past..keep out of that destructive path. only building now to focus on is life with your kids...making things good and safe for them now. and finding yourself and how you will move on from this and become a much stronger and better woman as the result.

email me at any time...

Bumping ^ for Danigirl.

Danielle,

Hope all is okay with you. Get worried when I don't see you post as you have a volitile situation.

Prayers and God Bless, you have gotten some great advice.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Dani,

How are you doing? You know between Peachy, Bob, AM Martin, Miss M and the rest, you are just about completely covered for support. Now don't be giving into the WS. You can give into your H but NOT the WS, ya hear? All that does is bring heaps of trouble and grief. You don't need that right?

Let us know how you are doing.

Sending support from the middle of the pacific ocean.

Aloha,
L.

bump^ Danigirl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Danigirl,

You OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Starting to get worried. You know your situation is not the norm. How is it going? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Okay, I am done asking, I don't ever ask lightly, and I just pray that you are doing okay and ow has not, and WS has not done you in at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess I am having a AAM moment. Love to you AAM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, and (((hugs))) to you dani.

Please update. We are all concerned girl.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Didn't she have a court date in Virginia? I'm hoping she isn't posting because she is getting her ducks in a row!

Wow...
I am sorry for not keeping up.

Life has thrown me so many curve balls lately that I am hardly keeping afloat.....

I am alive and physically well...thank you for thinking of me. I really appreciate all of the replies, very much.

Court is Tuesday 'with' my WH 'against' the OW...for a RO.
No one has heard from WH since the 11th, not even his parents.

I started school on the 16th in the Paralegal Program and that has kept me quite busy...

Peachy... Maine does not honor or recognize a legal separation. They allow for child custody and support cases of unmarried parents, but if you are married you need to file for a divorce to go to court for custody and support issues. A divorce is not what I want, at all, but after the 'false recovery or whatever it was' and the instability of my WH and the entire situation, I am not left with much of a choice. I actually picked up the paperwork to file for a divorce about a week ago. I am having a free consult with a lawyer on Monday. I can't afford to hire an attorney to represent me in the case, but hopefully I can get some ideas from the consult. I am waiting until the case on Tuesday to file, but the mess is out of control!

Yesterday a check for $300 cleared on my bank account. I had not written a check. I called the bank and notified them. My WH does not have access to my account. I guess I am missing a book of checks that I did not realize. They ordered a copy of the check, and said they should have had it by yesterday afternoon. Well I called about 4:30 and they said since it just went through they won't have the copy until today. I notified them that I believe it was fraudulent since I didn't write the check. They noted that in my account. Well today a check for $600 went through. Again, not me. I called the bank and they put a stop payment on all checks to my account, and ordered a copy of the $600 check. The copy of the $300 check is still not in.... As I become more frustrated with my bank, I can't help but think it is WH....or the OW....

I will post more later...

Danielle

Sounds like your paralegal education (a great idea, by the way) will come in handy. Does a spouse have a legal right to your bank account? I honestly don't know.

I really am so glad about your schoolwork, Dani. You really, really sound like you're in good shape, under the circumstances.