Quote from Dobie...
"I think he was just sucking up to whichever woman was in the position to save him from the worst consequences."

I resound this quote...as I too, have had a court experience w/my xh wearing orange after being forced to stand accountable for his actions (breaking in my home). Your wh is NOT doing a thing but lip service.

His actions and behaviors are still outta control...do not think that a COURT APPOINTED counselor for alcohol will be a cure all...nor will marriage counseling b/c those are things HE HAS TO WANT TO DO...and so far, his words are empty...

I think this is too fast, willing to go over there tonight under disguise of seeing your FIL...if he's having surgery, see him at the hospital.

Now to some posters here who ARE my friends...THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT WHAT THE OW HAS DONE? DOES ANYBODY GET THIS?

This WH HAS DONE THIS TO HIS FAMILY...HE IS RESPONSIBLE.

It is always easier...trust me, I have walked this path myself...to blame the OW for everything...but she WAS NO SILENT PARTNER IN THIS AT ALL.

So ask yourself Dani...why her tears? Why still professing her love for a man on the opposite side of the courtroom from her?

My answer is that they barely severed ties before the court date...and that maybe he TOLD HER SOME WHOPPERS TOO RIGHT BEFORE COURT...HE IS STILL A WS...AND A DANGEROUS ONE ALSO. I can't believe he is out of jail right now.

As for the OW...she is also dangerous b/c she is scorned...But don't think your WH dumped her off..

As a woman, I can say that she would have most likely NOT said those things in court nor cried those tears should she not have had other reason...My guess is YOUR WH IS SAYING TO OW WHAT SHE WANTS TO HEAR...APPEASEMENT...AND THIS ONE IS HUGE DANI...

TRAVELLING DOWN THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE BECAUSE IT IS EASIER TO RATHER THAN TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY.

And why his tears? You think it's b/c he was sorry...I can say that I know many a WH who cries because they can't believe they got caught and still blame somebody else other than themselves.

so he's got you shifting the blame to the OW? What a noble man...to have FIRST STOOD BY OW'S SIDE IN COURT ONLY A MONTH OR SO LATER TO STAND BY HIS W'S SIDE IN COURT PITTING WOMAN AGAINST WOMAN...HOW SAD HE IS TO DO THAT. No wonder OW is psycho....no wonder you're not either.

To everybody who's all "LET'S JUST HUG, GET A THERAPIST AND SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG B/C HE'S BETRAYED THE MISTRESS"...GET A GRIP.

This man has NOT once stood accountable.

I stand with Dobie in that he is MOST LIKELY ONLY CONCERNED ABOUT SELF PRESERVATION...sounds familiar...my xh is just like that. He can whip up crocodile tears in an instant to garnish sympathy...Your WH in reality most likely also knows that unless he feigns that "you the W made him do this" that he has NO chance with the OW. Have you wondered what she was told by him.???Must have been something for her to stand up in that courtroom professing her love for the man who lied to her as he lied to you...he's the creep here...and yea, she's a ho and imho also unstable...but he's probably the whole instigator of the whole thing Dani...

Are the tears real? Yes. But for what? I guess it's about this:
1)he's SAD B/C HE KNOWS THAT IN ORDER TO NOT GET THE LAW TO GO DOWN ON HIM HARD, HE HAS TO BETRAY OW...
2)He knows OW won't want to be around him AFTER THAT...I mean, her love turned to anger.. .WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN DANI? IT IS PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE SHE'S BEING CRAZY...IT'S BECAUSE YOUR WH MOST LIEKLY SAID OTHER THINGS TO HER QUITE THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE SAID IN COURT...
3)He knows that he stole from you...he had to appear to be "sorry" in court or else he'd go directly to jail..DO NOT PASS GO...DO NOT COLLECT 200 SMACKEROOS.

Dani, he's still fogged...it is still all about him.

IT IS TIME WE MADE THE WS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS...THE OP DOES NOT HOLD THE WS BY GUNPOINT TO MAKE THEM HAVE AFFAIRS...THE WS GOES WILLINGLY OR IN SOME CASES AS IN THIS ONE..HE IS THE INSTIGATOR OF THE AFFAIR. SO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU BLAME...A FALSE RECOVERY IS DARN WRONG TO LABLE AS SUCH...RECOVERY HAPPENS AFTER TIME ...AND IN THIS CASE INTENSIVE PSYCHIATRIST SESSIONS AND MEDICINES FOR HIS OUTTA CONTROL BEHAVIOR.

Dani, you vascillate between all and nothing with this guy...you get stronger, and then he sucks u back in for another ride on the "Atomic Adam" rollercoaster...

I am asking for you to use your head ok? Heart aside for now. And unless he is willing to PUT FORTH REAL EFFORT INTO ANY MC, I would FIRST MAKE SURE HE IS SAFE TO BE AROUND USING A PSYCH EVALUATION FROM AN MD.

There isn't enough time yet for this to happen in him...that is why I do not believe he is 100 percent "with" what you did in court today.

I would be more safe than ever now...make sure friends and family (again ws please leave out their families for now) know where you're going when you step out, that they are to tell nobody when you are out, and that they check up in you to make sure you are home when you say you're coming home..and if they don't get you...THEN THEY DRIVE OVER TO YOUR HOME.

Just too soon for a recovery to begin...why? when was last time he was w/ or around Ow?

AND TO THE MB PEOPLE OUT THERE NOT BEING TOUGH ENOUGH...I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT THIS PROBLEM, IS EQUAL BETWEEN THE WH AND THE OP...DON'T SINGLE OUT THE OW/OM JUST BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DO THAT..

I bet my last dollar that he is telling the OW...

"I HAD to say those things in the courtroom because I have to keep on dani's good side. Afterall, she could take me to court for forging her name and I could end up in jail".

If I'm not mistaken he used this ploy with you also...didn't he? He told you that he had to keep on the OW's good side when she was pressing charges against him.

This Guy is a player....the sad part is that you and she are both willing partners in his little game.

I anticipate reading a post from you where he is STILL in contact with this OW...naturally it will be AFTER you drop the charges of forgery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He knows how to work you. He must be the biggest con-artist in this world.

committed

I remember when my H sat in our pastor's office and told him that he was going to confess in front of the congregation that he had horribly hurt his family and that he was so sorry. That was Tuesday. On Sunday, other things (MOW) became more important. Our pastor held the service long waiting on my H to come to the front for his confession. Never happened..never. He was stupid for bothering to come to church that morning.

Your H is playing the ow too. I agree, why in this world would she say how much she loved him in court if she weren't sure that he would confess he loved her too. After all that's what he's been telling her. He makes everybody out to be the "bad guy" but the truly "bad guy"...himself.

My point..they'll say anything and everything when controlled by the addiction especially if it is coupled with another addiction..as was my H. They know no shame and live in the moment. What ever is more important in that moment rules. The moment today was getting out of the situation and you held the key Dani. What if he had said that he loved the ow? You would then pursue the punishment for the theft to the limit and the judge would throw the book at him. By declaring his devotion to his family as any basically decent person would do, he knew the judge would be more likely to be lenient toward him. Counseling beats jail time any day. He's a player all right. Keep your guard up Dani, please!

dobie, justpeachy, committed and jph,
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

And danigirl, I have one thing to say, scriptural of course, LOL, BE WISE AS A SNAKE AND AS INNOCENT AS A DOVE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

(i believe I have said this before):) oh, and (((hugs!!)) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

we hope you're ok dani...

if you're back with him, remember what he needs to do...and remember because he's not well that he can't do those things unless he is seriously getting help...and you aren't this help...it's professional help he needs.

last time he came back for a short while you quit posting again.

Just be safe ok?

Dani, I hope you are okay. Please check in with someone, and let us know how things are. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Wow...that's kinda wierd...ANOTHER POSTER WHO CALLS THEMSELVES PEACHY...

never met ya yet, but welcome to MB...

So everybody out there....seems that there are multiple peaches out there...

Maybe you could call yourself peach2 so everybody knows who they're corresponding to?

Nice to meet you, too. Unless you drive an SVT, I don't think folks will have too much problem keeping us straight, so I'll go ahead and leave my name as is - since it's a nickname my hubby gave me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. :-)

I actually thought PeachyinanSVT *WAS* justpeachy with a new board name!

Glad that's sorta/kinda cleared up.


Danielle, please check in!

I honestly thought that the second Peachy was the first peacy with a new name. Thank you for checking on me. My WH IS a master munipulator..and I seem to be the slowest learner.
I am doing okay. Not much new to post really...
I have school only 1/2 a day today, so maybe I will get some things done that I have been putting off.

Danielle

Dani... so glad you checked in...

Was getting a little worried there....

John

Dani,

Good to see you've checked in. May I ask what happened after court? How did you FIL's surgery go? Did you visit that night?

Cat

Cat,
My FIL's surgery went well. The kids and I stopped over last night to visit. He is still in quiet a bit of pain and has a follow-up appointment today.
As far as my WH....well in short, he is MIA yet again. He had been home until Tuesday night at 1am. He was doing really well. He gave me roses via the mail, applied for jobs, had an interview, got his attorney for the case against OW, started doing manual labor at and day by day place for now.... It all seemed like he was really trying. You could tell he was down in a glum, but he kept saying to his parents how much he knows he needs to change. Anyhow, Tuesday night at midnight he called me and I didn't answer. I was asleep. He left a message saying he wanted to talk and was tired but wanted to say I love you. Found out he left home at 1 am. Yesterday he went to see my MIL at work, got her to pay his truck payment. Then he called me from a payphone. I didn't answer. He said 'well I guess you don't want to talk to me. I am going to do a urinalysis for the job, and I will call you later' That is the last anyone has heard from him...
I have not heard another word from the police or court about the checks or the case, not one word. I guess I should call them... I have no idea what is going on..
OW caused a big problem at our friend Chrises house last week. Threw a big scene and ended up spending a night in jail.
In a brief sum-up...that is the current situation.

Danielle

Hey DGIV,

You have to decide if you are in Plan A or Plan B.

Not answering the phone...if you were in Plan B...spot on. If you were in Plan A, not the right thing to do.

You can NOT do both effectively. Yes, we have written, protect yourself, make sure he has NC, etc. But it is ULTIMATELY up to you to decide which plan you are in. If he has no more contact with OW, then he needs to know specifically what he needs to do to come back, and what you will do. If he renews contact, he needs to know EXACTLY what the consequences are.

You have been developing a GREAT plan for your life, going to school, moving, etc. Now what is the plan for your M.

Time to spell this plan out, and let WH/FWH/WH/FWH know what the plan is. He is in withdrawal, but can't last long if he thinks there is no chance for recovery... He needs a plan he can look at and be reassured by...A bit like a contract (vows? oh well).

With all due respect, Stillheremakingit, you have to be kidding right? PLAN A has NO ROLE in any way, shape, or form in this case. I am NOT a MB guru and even I KNOW that. Plan A'ing in this situation should NEVER be encouraged in this situation. This has long ago not been about marriage building. This is dysfunctional to the 1000th degree and any mention of marriage building with respect to this situation is absolutely ridiculous. You can do all of the plans in the world here, but that ship has long since sailed. This is too sad and pathetic all around. Any mention of Plan A or any of that stuff will just encourage continued dysfunctional and severely destructiove behavior.

Ok, I am back to lurker status. Sorry for the interruption. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LM

I agree 100% with LM.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Me too. Dani - remember there have been cases here of the OW attacking and seriously injuring the BS. "Filly" was getting out of her car at K-Mart when OW blindsided her with a cue stick. Her jaw was broken, her teeth knocked out, and she had to have months of plastic surgery to fix her nose and eyes.

I suggest you have NC with both WH and OW.

I am not in Plan A, and frankly I think Plan B might be to 'nice' at this point. I have the DV papers in an envelope, sealed and notorized ready to put in the mailbox. I really would like to talk to him first, but I know that nothing he said would matter. It's just guts to put the letter in the mail...
The fears of a DV and custody battle are pretty high.
Danielle

custody battle?

you're kidding, right?

what makes you think any judge would give your adulterous jailbird husband custody?

really ... you are not thinking very clearlyright now ... do you have some family member to come over and maybe take care of you a little bit?

I think you need some in-house guidance

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

All joking aside, I do think that I will be awarded custody, HOWEVER....it will be VERY hard to get no visitation rights. Also, if he has visitation and marries OW right after we DV, then I may not be able to limit the kids from seeing her.
Danielle