I think any judge in his right mind will grant you sole custody WITHOUT visitation if your WH is foolish enough to marry that psycho. You have a huge paper trail of legal violations that prove she is violent.

I don't think this is going to be a problem keeping your kids legally separated from OW.

~ Snow

Forgot. I'm not supposed to be posting to you anymore. Neither is LM. How soon we forget!!! LOL!!! I'll go back to the shadows now.

~ Snow

The fears of a DV and custody battle are pretty high.

What makes you think that he would even show up at the courthouse when a petition for divorce is before the judge?

How many times has he even wanted to see the kids...let's not count the time he showed up in a drunken haze with that OW at midnight...how many times you think dani? One? Two? Three?

I am telling you...YOU need to get real. I don't know what it is about this man that is driving you but you need to jettison it.

He is what he is because of ENABLING people...and dani, you have to know that you are one of those people.

He has ZERO consequences for his actions...people are too busy protecting him from those consequences.

You have the choice to leave the drama...or stay embroiled in it...what's it gonna be?

committed

Why would you need to talk to him before you put the divorce papers in the mail? To make sure this is what he wants to happen? His actions are your answers and have been for along time. I know Dani you wish this wasn't what your life has become but it has.

Have you ever heard the story about the man whose town's river was flooding. The police came by his home and told him to get out as the flood waters were cresting. His reply, "I'm waiting on the Lord."

The waters rose and the rescue squad came by in a boat to take him away. His reply, "I'm waiting on the Lord."

As the waters rose further, he had to sit on his roof. A helicopter came by and they begged him to get on board. His reply, "I'm waiting on the Lord."

When he got to Heaven, he asked the Lord, "Where were You? I was waiting on You to rescue me." The Lord replied, "Who do you think sent the police and rescue squad?"

Sometimes the signs and warnings are all there and we choose to ignore them. We're waiting on the Lord to change the situation when what He wants is for us to get out.

Dani, talking to a man who has disappeared about the divorce to those of us who are not emotionally involved seems silly. When you get on the back end of this situation, you'll realize it's futile too. You know good and well what he's up to and it stinks. You and your children deserve better. Don't use the excuse that you'll have a battle to keep custody to keep yourself in this drama. It's just that-an excuse.

Point taken...

I feel like I am filing for the DV for everyone else. I feel like when I file everyone will be happy, minus me.
I tried explaining that to my Mother and she said , 'well then file for me'
I am not doing it for my happiness or because it is what I want... (maybe one day I will change that, but not right now). Filing to me is my way of 'giving up' and 'giving in to the OW' I know it is what the OW wants, and begs for...a way to marry my WH...
I am doing it for my children, and because since I am the only one who thinks I shouldn't maybe I should just listen to everyone else.

Danielle

Dani:

This statement above is the CRUX of your problem. What exactly is the OW getting? A worthless piece of $hit human being that would do the things he has done to you and your children over and over again. Please STOP making this about what the OW is getting. Are you gonna "hold on" and continue to have any last ounce of dignity get shredded in trying to keep the "ow from winning" and getting your WH? She is not winning anything but a future of law enforcement issues and likely bankruptcy and poverty. You have helped create the colossal mess that is your life and your marriage by enabling the man who is your husband. Yet you continue to do the same $hit over and over and over again HOPING for different results. THIS MY FRIEND IS THE CLASSIC DEFINITION OF INSANITY. You are living it, breathing it every day of your life that you stay in this dysfunctional cycle of what I can only imagine is a living hell.

The people here who preach the whole "everything is an addiction mantra" are not helping you. Plan A cannot help you. Plan B can only help you to line up the Divorce easier and stop you from the manipulation that your WH preys on you at his whim.

This isn't FOG, THIS IS YOUR WH. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Please just listen for once to other people here. You know what.........."YOu just don't get it, and the sad fact is you don't even know that you don't get it". I know this by your statement above. Plain and simple.

Yet again I am breaking my vow to not post on this thread but I cannot help it. I am clearly lacking the discipline I thought I had. I will give you my solemn promise (for what that is worth given my recent track record <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> to NOT post to you again. I know it must be tempting to come here when you have people willing to encourage you in developing a "plan" to save your marriage (see above). But, as another very wise poster said, sometimes when we can't help people with out advice or opinion, we best NOT post to them. That should have been me ages ago. I apologize in advance if you feel I am piling on. I am not realy doing so in reality.

LM

Hey, Mojo! You know who I am if you think hard, but shhhh! Keep that on the DL, okay? :-)

LM....I do not feel that you are piling on me at all..
I guess that sometimes I feel that my WH can be the old 'him' again. Maybe not though, and I need to accept that..
Danielle

I agree, you have to D when YOU are ready. Yes, Plan B is probably too nice...so why have contact at all? If Plan B is too nice, then why answer the phone, why have contact, why talk? Plan B is not about whether to be nice or supportive of the M or to manipulate your WH into coming back...it's about YOU! It's a way to protect yourself from the drama of the A life. And I have not read of an A more rife with drama...remove yourself. You may have to put some extremes in place too...like when you talk and visit with IL's there will be no WH talk, no more talking with mutual friends about what they are up to, keep up the legal paperwork and make sure he gets charges with stealing from the family, etc... You D when YOU can handle it, or it becomes important to have finances and visitation in place (right now he COULD take the kids with no legal recourse, think about that).

And I think it is VERY appropriate to worry about a custody battle, he could get nasty about it, bring lawyers and court expenses upon your head...he, of course, wouldn't win, but you will not be able to keep ALL visitation from him (nor would you want to), but you can ask for visitation on your terms...for instance, visits continue at IL's house (supervised) for at least the next 2 years, then new visitation can be drawn up. Can you ask in ME for the kids not to be in contact with OW for a certain amount of time (2 years?) SOme states you can ask this and some you can't.

It is unrealistic and pie in the sky for anyone to think he won't be granted SOME type of vistation...even hardened bad guys get SOME visitation.

Your job? You have this memory of what WH used to be, and you still see that in WH's eyes. But he is NOT this person anymore, and will not be for awhile. You have to protect yourself from this criminal until, or IF he comes out of this...he may never.

You have gone to some GREAT precautions up till now, not letting him know where you live, pressing charges for his wrong-doing, etc. Now take it a step further and give yourself another boundary. Like an addict, when a person goes into recovery they are not supposed to make any major decisions for a year. Set a rule for yourself, IF he is able to shake from the OW and start to get his life together, you do not let him back into YOUR life for a year...let him recover on his own.

Dani,

Trust that no matter the words, there are very specific actions of remorse and repentence that the alien-that-inhabits-your-husband's-form has not said or done.

He talks-talks-talks about how sorry he is - begging your forgivness.

You will know the alien has left the building when your husband no longer seeks your forgiveness, but focuses on amends.

Nice dream, but the man who has begged and jerked you around over the last few months is not capable of this so do not expect it to show up. He has never had the maturity necessary to deal with the consequences of his choices. By your getting out of the way, he has the greatest probable chance of growing that maturity through the adversity he has created.

The aliens have probably damaged his brain to the point where this man will never show up. I'm just giving you an outline of what TRUE remorse looks like so that you don't fall for any counterfeits!!!

Dani..do you really believe that everyone who files for divorce wants it? Of course not. If they had their hearts desire, they'd want an intact marriage with both parties working diligently to make their lives and family a success.

Do you really believe everyone else will be happy when you're divorced? Of course not. The people in your life love you and want the best for you. It tears their heart out for you and your children as you endure the abuse this poor excuse for a man heaps on you.

What's the old saying, if "ifs and buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas. You can "if and but" this thing until the cows come home, and it still won't change a thing but continue the misery in which you live.

I too remember feeling that "I must win" thought pattern. Somehow you don't want this woman to have what you have considered yours. The thing about is what you're fighting for is not worth the fight. Heck, he's not even worth the thought of a fight. Stop looking it as a competition. I think they both deserve each other.

Dani...

These are some words...maybe not perfectly quoted, but you'll get the idea. From Dr. Phil..

"I'd rather be happy and alone than be sick with somebody else."

Can u get it?

And I am also echoing another poster here...I did NOT want to get divorced. I just knew my xh's scrambled brains had no hope of assembling again as long as he lived for his lusts...his instant gratifications in life.

and this is NOT ABOUT THE OW OK?

Dani,

I think you might have grounds for a restraining order against OW on your children's behalfs. That would legally preclude any visition with her present, whether she marries him or not. Just something you may want to consider.

Dobie

Dani.......

If your husband thinks he wants/deserves a divorce, then give him what he wants.

The OW doesn't win anything. She wins damaged goods, an item that should have been recalled due to defects.

You win your self respect, safety, sanity and freedom.

To quote Erma Bombeck...."The grass that grows greener on the other side is usually growing over a septic tank."

Thank you all for replying. I know some people don't like replying to me anymore, and I understand that. I really appreciate the replies I get...

WH and I have a RO against the OW for 1 year. I will ask the courts about adding our children. We can see how much WH takes it seriously….

I have all of the paperwork done...and in an envelope. I am going to the inlaws tomorrow and will leave it on his bed.

Not what I want to do...but what I have to do...

Danielle

(((((((DANI))))))---your doing the right thing protecting your family---dont ever doubt that. all of this is sometimes necessary to do to fight for what is right. dont forget that. and this sint something you choose!!! it was something you were forced to do to protect yourself and your kids...

You are absolutely 100% doing the correct thing in your situation.
This may be the only way for your WH to ever look, think, or feel any respect for you. And one day, you may look back at this and realize it was the first time you respected *yourself*.
You are honoring the boundaries of your family, Dani, by following through.

I can sure as heck relate to that... And I admire and appreciate the fact that you are still posting. Whatever your choices, and how you decide to deal with this I really hope it all works out well for you. I'll always do my best to come in with an argument or a different perspetive....

dewt

Well, I talked to my MIL just now. Leaving DV papers on my WHs bed is quiet useless. He hasn't been home since I talked to him (Tuesday). His mail is fwded to my MILs house from the OWs house, and he won't answer the OWs door for a police because he isn't supposed to be there. He wins again, at least for now...

Danielle

hire someone to serve him the papers

Pep