You mean he is back to living at OWs?

Pep,
The problem is, he has a NC order with the OW. If ANYONE goes to her/his house, she will deny he is there.
He will hide or just not answer. His Mom suggested just leaving the papers on his bed and when he finally comes home to get something he will see them. Using that method I will have to count on him signing the acknowledgement and mailing it back to me...
I guess I will just have to patiently wait until he finds his way home again.

Dewt,
He has been MIA since Tuesday night. Would you like to tell me where YOU think he is? Yes, this is after he pledged his love, held me and promised to never leave again, said we were lost souls without each other but together we could conquer the world and begged for forgiveness for everything he has done. After he went and set up job interviews, after he went to a lawyer to find out how to solve the court issues with the OW. Yep, he SEEMED to EVERYONE around that he REALLY wanted help and was REALLY making steps to better himself. He had everyone convinced that he really was ready to better himself, and make right with the kids and I. Then suddenly Tuesday he vanished.

Danielle

He has to go out sometime....to go to work, etc.

You can hire someone to serve him when he is away from OW's house...like at work.

Susan

Susan,
He is unemployeed...and has been since April 1st.

He will come to his parents EVENTUALLY, the trick is catching him out.

Danielle

((((Dani))) Just some questions to ask yourself. The DV is for you, right? You and the children. If the answer is yes, waiting for H to show up wherever is not taking control imvho.

I think you need to ask yuorself why you need to find him. It is not up to you to do that. Sounds like you are still giving control of your destiny to a man who clearly hasn't got a inch of control over himself. Sonds like there is a lot of wishful thinking going on.

I do not mean to be harsh. But, rather to help you analyze your actions or lack of them.

Divorce papers can and should be sent by a process server. Give them OW's address and your MIL's. Serve them both places. The fact that they can't find him is not your problem.

Another question, if you think he is at OW's why haven't you reported this to the police? imho you are still protecting him from the consequences of his actions. He has CHOSEN to break the law. He has chosen this path.

He is like a recalcitrant child. He doesn't learn the first hundred thousand times that there are real consequences. Protect yourself and your kids. NOTHING ELSE! You can't change him. And you sure shouldn't protect him.

Ask yourself this: if your best friend was doing the same thing you are, what would your advice be? I know you are a very smart woman. Caring and strong. So, REALLY think about this, hon.

Dani, I read your threads and you have come such a long way. Just don't stay stuck in this place.

My prayers are with you. It is not a good place you are in. Focus on th eprize. Serenty and security in your life. For YOU and your Children. Only you. If WH gets a brain and some sense, he might have a place. But, in the meantime, you will be in a better place. Away from this BS. My prayers are with you, Dani.

In Maine you can only serve divorce papers by Sheriff if you have proof that you tried to serve by mail and it was denied.
If you get a signed acknowledgement of receipt within 20 days then you can file with the court, if not then you can serve by Sheriff.

As far as reporting him to the police, I have, both to the police and the district attorney. When I told them they said they are well aware of the situation and just basically have to catch them in public because then they confront the OW she claims I am lying and tries to make me out to be the basket case.

Yes, I am wishful thinking at times, but I am really trying to use my head.

Danielle

Good for you! I remember when you first came on this board. Look how far you have come. Be darned proud of yourself. I can see such a difference. And all to the good. (((Dani)))

Has anyone seen him since Tuesday? Does he do this often...drop off the face of the earth?

No one has seen him since Tuesday at 11am, or heard from him.

Does he do this often? Not in a long time. He usually runs off for a night, but comes back by daylight.

Thank you FAA..
Danielle

Ok... well, my last post did a pretty good impersonation of your H... no idea where it went to...

Anyway, the long and short of is that I'm sorry you are going through this.

If he is indeed at OWs, well, that would be a MAJOR head-scratcher for me.

Also, in my post, I urged you to make sure that your kids are legally protected against OW and perhaps your H too. It's a sad sad day when we feel we need to protect our children from their own darn parent. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

J

Dani, please check in and let us know you are safe.

Mojodiva,
I just came here to post and saw this. Thank you for thinking of me.

My last post was on 6/5/05. Since then....
Monday the 6th my WH went into my MILS work (a bank) and showed his face. He said that he had been with the OW, helping her pack. According to him the OW has to be out of their house by today. He asked my MIL if he could move home (to live with his parents). My MIL said yes, but there would have to be house rules. She doesn't like him coming and then leaving for weeks and no one knows where he is, people are calling, mail is piling up, etc. He said he understood. MIL told WH that people have been calling for him, and he needs to take care of bussiness he just can't run away. She told him to call me because she knows I want to give him the DV papers. He said 'Well I would call her but she is probably pretty pissed off at me right now'. Wow, can you imagine? Anyhow, my MIL layed out on the table everything she could think of.
He said he would be 'home' Monday night.

Tuesday: FIL called me to see if by any remote chance I had heard from WH. FIL was still home out of work and Direct Tech called for WH. That is the job that WH had applied and interviewed for before he ran off. They wanted to offer him the job. Nope, no one has heard from him. He isn't going to get a job if they have to chase him down.

Wednesday: BIL called to talk to the kids. Not much else.

Thursday: I had an 30 minute referal appointment with a lawyer. Basically he said that I may not be able to serve WH until his next court date (June 30th). I am not able afford a laywer so I just get recommendations. Anyhow, he said if WH is in jail I won't have custody or visitation issues, but he won't be required to pay child support because he would be in jail. If he isn't in jail then he will have to pay child support even if he doesn't have a job, but I will face visitation issues. He said it is not likely for me to get an order of no visitation.
I called MIL to see what time my cousin in laws graduation is and she informed me that WH had been to the house yesterday while everyone was gone. He took his cigarettes, food from the fridge and opened some mail. He did not take all of his stuff, leave a note, or anything. My MIL was upset because he has this job looking for him, and he comes in when no one is home and avoids everyone.

We will see....
My emotions are a mess...I will post that in another thread.
I need to plan something for this weekend with the kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Danielle

Hi Dani, I haven't posted to you much cuz you get such sound advice from others here...Others tell you to divorce, but you dont want to...I cant understand that...BELIEVE ME! When I filed, I felt like I was also doing it for "everyone else"...no one WANTS to get a divorce...but YOU have to come to the realization that it IS the best thing to do...

Your H is NOT the same man anymore, he hasn't been for a very long time and he probably WONT be ever again...I know it is hard for you to see or understand that, cuz you are holding onto the past of what you HAD and what you WANT back...I was too...

This is NOT a game...it might be to the OW, but look at what she is getting...I also did not want to 'lose" to the OW...but I finally realized that what I am losing is not worth "winning"...kwim? It was never a game to ME, and now I realize that I am winning all the way around...I know my H is miserable and he is never going to be happy...but that is HIS choice...I will NOT live this life any longer with him...

YOU will eventually realize that this is NOT what you wanted...it may take you SEVERAL months as it took me...and several false recoveries so to speak to finaly SEE what he is made of...He SAYS he loves you, he SAYS he wants to work on the marriage, bla bla bla...but what did he do as soon as you DONT anser the phone..he runs...is that what you want dani? Someone who you will NEVER trust aagin, always looking over your shoulder...it took me a long time to realize that I was not going to live like that...always looking over my shoulder, always watching what he was diong...I have better things to do...and I dont need to constantly be watching him or wondering...

You deserve so much better and you WILL move on and find happiness...your H will not be happy, but that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM..NO ONE makes his choices for him..HE makes them...ONLY he does!

I remember Dr. Phil said something to me..."you are mourning what you USED to have" and that is what you are doing...you must move forward for YOU!

As many have said to ME on this board...you can always re marry him after you divorce, if you really want to and if he cleans himself up...BUT I will not marry my WH again...

Your situation is beyond just the A...your H has an alcohol problem and possibly a drug problem...He needs help...you cant help him...only HE can help him...do you want that for your CHILDREN??? I dont think you do...I am thinking of you and hope you are ok...take care

Dani, glad to hear from you, even if the news is more of the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eventaully, his mother is going to get tired of enabling his behavior andshe's going to cut him off for good. Or we can only hope.

More of the same...oh yea. I am beginning to realize that my WH can't just 'change'. In order for him to change he is going to need help, and not by me. He doesn't want to bad enough yet, maybe he never will. I hate to say it, but maybe he will end up like his biological father in the long run. We had a talk about this with the jail counselor before he left. WH seemed to take in everything he said, guess not for very long. He seems to really honestly want to change for a while, but then the temptation exists and he can't handle it. When he leaves to see the OW, he doesn’t come back. He knows that he is going to get hell from anyone when he does return, so he comes while people are gone. He knows his Dad (not bio-but the man he has always considered to be Dad) will give him hell. He knows I am not impressed. He can’t handle dealing with the issues, so he runs from them. He is ashamed of his behavior, but not enough to change it, just enough to run from it. I believe his alcohol problem is the underlying issue that has to be addressed, by him.
Don't get me wrong, I cry, I shake my head, I miss my husband. I see my children cling to ANY man and crave the attention of a male figure. I hurt for them, and I hurt for me. At times I think to myself....WH...just go away. Do whatever you want, just stay out of my life. If he never came back I would be okay. I just wish he would never call again, never show his face, just fall off the face of the earth. Then a times I sit and cry, and think 'why'...I love him so much. I don't want to divorce him, I want him to come home. I hurt, I feel like I am going to die without him. I hate emotions!!!

The kids and I went to MILs yesterday for a quick visit. We were down her way, and I figured I would stop in and the kids could play. She has a HUGE field and the kids love catching frogs and toads in the grass. I looked in WHs bedroom. When he had left on the 31st he left like 7 packs of cigarettes on his dresser. When he came to his parents house while everyone was working on the 7th he only took 3 packs. He did not take his shaver, or many (if any) clothes. He may have changed his clothes and took a new set, but he did not take many. All of this leaves me wondering what his plans are. He obviously planned to come back, or he would have taken more. I talked to my FIL about the job offer that called. They basically said that they wanted to offer WH the job, and he would start this coming Monday. He may miss out on it now….

MF4Me, Wow…I couldn’t have written a post that was more ‘right on’. Thank you for that. My FIL says the same thing about a divorce. We can always re-marry if that time comes. In fact, WH mentioned that as well. I personally am not sure if I would be up for that, but we will see. The man that the OW has right now is NOT worth winning. The man who leaves at the drop of a hat, runs off if you don’t answer his calls, ignores his family, Nope…not in my life. I always think that he could be the man I married again…and I hold on to that. When he is ‘dry’ for a week or so he IS that man. Then the drinking comes, and back with OW. P.S. When I read your posts I am so impressed! You have honestly grown so much since I first saw you post. WOW. Way to go. You are the Mother your children need, and the person that YOU need YOU to be.

On the way home from my MILs house I passed the OWs car. It was raining and therefore I couldn’t see who was in it…but I ‘know’ who was in it. Maybe it was good that I couldn’t see. I get these overwhelming issues of hate when I see her car, or her…I am beginning to feel that way about my WH…

This weekend the kids and I have YARD WORK! It is nice out, and they love it outside. We have a lot to do outside.

Monday I have a mid-term exam at school. I also need to get in touch with the police on Monday about going to the bank to watch and record the transactions...

My issue….
My MIL has next week off. She is an awesome grandmother to my children. They love her and they love being there. I have school Monday-Thursday, all day. I live about an hour from her, and go to school an hour from both places. It is almost like a triangle. ANYHOW, she would love for the kids to spend a night over her house and spend time…. They have done this in the past. They have a blast. She lives in the country and my son thinks it is the best. I trust that the OW will not show up. She knows better now that she has the RO to stay away. PLUS, she knows that my MIL and FIL do NOT want her there, and she is afraid of my FIL. They would not allow her around the children, they hate her, and think she is the problem. So what is the issue? My WH is the issue. He probably won’t show up if he sees his Mom or Dads car in the driveway…but if he does…. I just have this feeling that if he asked my MIL if he could take the kids to the park down the road she would say yes. Would he return with them? How to I address this to my MIL?

Danielle

You need to discuss this with the MIL. If she can assure you she will NOT let him take off with them, I'd let the kids have a blast in the country. Just tell her you fear for their safety with psycho b*tch and her lap dog and Im certain she would listen to you.

Dani, it's good to see that you and the kids are okay. Too bad that skank OW and her puppet (your WH) won't move out of state, and just leave you alone, and let you get on with your life.

I would have mis-givings about leaving the kids with the ILs, too, but they need a break, and if MIL and FIL would SWEAR to keep an eagle-eye on the kids, and not let WH be alone with them, I'd seriously consider letting the kids visit.

Good luck.

Dani,
I think it's great that your MiL is such a wonderful grandmother to your kids, and that their spending time with her would be beneficial to them, as well as a help to you.

That being said, without a custody order in place, I would be very leery of leaving my children with ANYONE. Your WH could just show up and announce that he is taking the kids, and I don't think there is any way your MiL could legally stop him. And, if she tried, it would put your kids right smack in the middle of a confrontation. Do you want to take a chance on that?

Now, we had our grandsons with us when we found out that their mother had ran off with another man. The OM's wife called us and told us about it, and I guess she told our then DiL that we knew about it. Anyway, I guess DiL was afraid to face us, so she didn't come get the boys. As soon as I found out, I called our son (OTR Trucker), and he told me to keep the kids here. We called an attorney, and he filed for divorce and temporary custody the next day.

Now, we had the signed custody order by the 5th day. If DiL had come to get the kids before then, we could have stalled her a bit, but all she would have to have done is go get the sheriff to get the kids. She wasn't brave enough to face us, though, which worked against her.

Think very carefully on this. Check to see what the laws are.

Allright Dani...

You're all over the place.

And it is NOT good.

This is me, J the Original Peach here and some tough love is headed straight 4 u!

YOU ARE SEVERELY CODEPENDENT ON THIS GUY.

And what a man he is hon! A chain smoker now on top of being a wonderfully negligent lying and abusive wayward husband.

And now you're ok with leaving your kids in custody of their grandma...while she may be ok...there is NO PERMANENT OR LEGAL CUSTODY ARRANGEMENT IN PLACE TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS...

IS IT ME OR IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE????

You cry and cry and want what back?

It's not we want you to divorce. WE WANT YOU TO WAKE UP AND USE YOUR BRAIN.

College attendance does NOT SUCK UP ALL YOUR VIABLE BRAIN CELLS.

And to peachyinansvt, COULD YOU PLEASE CHANGE YOUR SIGNOFF? PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE ME...AND YOU ARE NOT...AND I SAY THAT KINDLY...JUST MAYBE A DISCLAIMER ON YOUR PART OK?

You are constantly hovering at your IL's home...trying to get a spy on what the psycho H is doing or is not doing. It is an addiction to you.

PLEASE DO NOT GO ON ABOUT HOW WH DRINKS. He is sick and mentally deranged. YOU WANT TO BLAME HIS NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR ON SOMETHING...ANYTHING...BUT HIM BEING A SCUMBAG AND A MASTER MANIPULATOR. YOU DO NOT WANT TO CALL IT LIKE IT IS. He has NO addiction. HE MAY HAVE A SERIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER OR MENTAL CONDITION THOUGH.

And what a guy...keeps promising stuff without following thru on even one thing...and THE IL'S EVEN HELP LINE UP A JOB FOR HIM AND HE IS TOO UNSTABLE TO EVEN SHOW UP FOR IT.

This guy is not the same man you married at all.

I AM GETTING TIRED OF THIS! YOU KNOW YOU CAN CALL ME AT ANY TIME BUT MY STANCE WILL NOT CHANGE.

WHAT PAYOFF ARE YOU GETTING TO CONTINUE THIS CHARADE IN YOUR LIFE? ARE YOU NOW ADDICTED TO THE HUNT OR CHASE OF WINNING BACK YOUR WH? OR IS IT THE DRAMA?

That is the question here. Without any legality and custody arrangement, nothing is safe..your kids or your finances...your credit could even be in jeopardy with this guy. Take it from me, if you do not do things in a timely manner as I did NOT do...YOU COULD LOSE ALOT!

As of now, you could get full custody, support from wh financially, and be emotionally supported even by the IL's. And they'll have to follow your directions and lead because you'd secure full custody.

You are in school learning more for a better future. You could have such a bright future Dani. But as of today, you're forever trapped thanks to being codependent, on a worthless man who is not even anything close to being a dad or a husband. You're making all kinds of excuses for serving the divorce papers...you're still crying and acting as if it's suddenly a shock what your wh is still doing...IT SHOULD NOT BE A SHOCK.

I HAD HOPED BY NOW YOUR INSTINCT FOR SELF PRESERVATION AND ALSO INSTINCT AS A MOM WOULD HAVE KICKED IN AND OVERRIDDEN THIS URGE TO CONTROL AND WIN THE WHOLE SITCH W/THE WH.

That's what it is about now. Winning. Control. Taking the OW's property from her.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET IT? THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OW. IT IS ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND THE LACK OF IT. IT IS NOT ABOUT HER. THE OW IS PROBABLY BEING DRIVEN AS NUTS AS YOU ARE COURTESY OF YOUR CRUEL WH.

QUIT FOCUSING ON HER.

IF IT WERE UP TO YOU, YOU'D SAY THAT THE ROOT OF THIS WHOLE SITCH IS YOUR XH AND ALCOHOL AND THE OW.

The REAL root of this whole problem is YOUR WAYWARD IDIOT OF A HUSBAND.

DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM DANI. YOUR IL'S ARE ALREADY DOING A GRET JOB AT IT. SO WHY HELP THEM OUT?

Life is good when you reclaim it. It is about only winning for you and the kids now. GET A GOOD LIFE AND A CALM AND TRANQUIL ONE FOR THEM. THAT IS WINNING. PEACE AND SAFETY ARE WHAT YOUR KIDS NEED...WHAT YOU NEED ALSO.

If you choose to call me, I will listen and I will offer good advice to you. But I will not tell you that you should hang on to this. Your marriage, or what is left of it, is like a patient I had earlier this week.

It was horribly sad. This guy, late sixties, suffered a severe cva (cerebral vascular accident). Stroke and some heart issues. His wife could not understand that. She refused to let him go. She wanted EVERY TEST known to man run including an invasive test that I perform along with an MD to confirm if his brain can ever function normally again. Still, false hopes. MRI, CT's and our procedure showed no hope. EVEN MORE TESTS RUN ON HIM THAN SCHIAVO OK?

She refused to give up. And now the man is very close to death. Life support is all that is there now. If the plug is loosened, it is over.

That's where your marriage is now. You're severaly in DENIAL still over the loss. It is surviving only on paper now...and that is what I call marital lifesupport. I oughta know. I suffered in that limbo period also. But a time came when I knew I had to let go.

Because you're suffering from codependence most likely, you are severely afraid to do so. I urge you to get some help to deal with this...but letting things go like this will not help your kids. It's sucking you in further to this horrible drama and the possibility of the kids being placed in harms' way.

Please find the dignity to end this. When you do, you will feel freed.

I left my marriage on life support June 20, 2003 when I signed the documents. Life support plug was pulled on New Years' Eve 2003. And I was freed from a life of limbo and pain. My xh is gone. The man I loved and knew is not here anymore. But my pain and the burden on my back was lightened because I no longer choose to carry his pain, his load. I miss the guy I once knew. But I can't focus day to day on if he could or if he'd wanna change.

Life isn't perfect now. My xh got some custody..more than he should. But there is peace in MY household. My son and I are doing well. My jobs' great. I have a date next weekend. And sometimes I stop and think how far I have come after all this. I know I will never go back nor will I put up with anything .0001 percent like this again. I can't. But I am stronger and my capacity to love and to stand up for my beliefs is staggering....I am 1000000x more woman now than I was before this.

Life isn't over because the plug gets pulled. You will change. You will adapt. You will experience someday soon peace and tranquility. Let the WS have the unrest and the guilt. Give him his burden back. It is NOT yours, nor is it the kids to bear.

I can't post here anymore...it's getting me very sad to do so. I don't want to see this stuff or this pain continue for you. But you may feel free to call me or ask any advice you can. I will be supportive, but not enabling ok?

Gotta go...life outside the internet is calling.

Well Peachy,
I see how you feel and I agree with most of what you said. To clarify a few things, WH got this job himself. No one helped him.
Secondly, I know I need to file for a divorce, and I will as soon as possible. It may have to wait until June 30th, which is when he is in court next.
I know I can live without him, the kids and I will be fine. I realize that. Yes, I do go to my ILs often, always have. The kids and I lived there once, and since the day my children were born we have been there AT LEAST 4 times a week. We go there once or twice a week now, which is a drastic change.
I do have my own issues, I know this. I am in IC and work on things.
I am not sure what more to say, but thanks..
Danielle