I printed off the article from the newsletter about conflict resolution and marriage building, and sent it with H to work.<P>I'm been trying to play a little conflict avoidance tactics, just like my H. When he was out of town this week, he called me one night. Everything was friendly, and then he brought up my SD. He said, ya know, she's been such a good kid, I'm not going to say anything about her freedom.<P>I said, well - I guess I need to go, I'll talk to you tomorrow.<P>So tomorrow came, and he came home, and all was fine, but I am kinda distant, but pleasant. We got through the few minutes of arrival, small chit chat - and then he asked me if I wanted to go on a 3 wheeler ride. Our son was out riding his bike, so I said, no, that's okay. I looked a little disinterested because I am really biting my tongue.<P>So he took off for a couple of hours, and I was having a hard time keeping the dinner warm. I called at his mothers and told her that his dinner was ready - and he came home about 20 minutes later. (He always pit stops somewhere - and discusses issues with his family - not me... But I didn't say anything...) Okay, so he comes home and we have a decent dinner - I get chewed out for not putting salt in the spaghetti. <P>I ignore that one also. He gets up from the table (hasn't been home most of the week, now ya know...) and sits on the couch and starts channel flipping. As I sat there alone finishing my dinner, I decided I would tell him the events of his daughter's choices while he was gone.<P>So, I told him that she didn't go to school, stayed out till 12;30 the night before, told me she was sick, so I told her to call in sick at her part time job, and instead she snuck out of the house 3 hours before she had to be there - and I didn't get to finish before he was hollering, waving his finger, and everything else.<P>I told him to shut up, and that if he can't control himself to get out, that I didn't do anything wrong, and that it is HIS problem that he doesn't like what I am reporting. I told him I am not asking him to resolve anything, I am merely reporting what happened.<P>I sent the material with him and told him that tonight we would decide where to go from here. He was not friendly. And I guess I was matter of fact.<P>This is a lovebuster, but this is ridiculous. I am sick of all of this.<P>Called the school and SD cut school the day before yesterday. Forged a note with my name on it to get back into school. I told them I didn't write the note, and that I was not excusing her absence yesterday or the day before. She didn't come home from school the day before until 12;30a.m. No explanation, and her father was 300 miles away also. <P>He will consider what I did/and didn't do as major lovebusters, and I will imagine she will blame me for being in trouble at school, and he will too, enough to have him leave over.<P>I think tonight is the night for decisions on where to go next, but he's probably going to leave.<P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited September 24, 1999).]

TNT<BR>Just saw this now. I haven't been able to get to the forum for a few hours.<BR>Try to stay calm okay??<BR>remember all those things we talked about.<BR>You did very well. You can't control his reactions but you certainly did have to let him know what went on.<BR>Facial expressions!!!!<BR>Keep your cool. It's the only way to control this.<BR>It might be a major discussion but it doesn't have to be a major decision. Especially if you're both upset.<BR>I'm thinking of you. Please let us know how you're doing!!!!

WS, I'm calm.<P>I talked to him about 4:00, and I didn't divulge the information about the school and the truancies.<P>I asked him if he had a chance to look at the material. "What material" "Oh, by the way, I'm in Tim's office - Claude's visiting us." (Claude's his hooters partner in crime.) I said Oh. The material from marriage builders? He said oh, I read a little of it on the way to work. I'll be home at 6:00. (Like nothing is wrong.... Ooh boy - he's gonna blow....)<P>SD just called, surprised I was home, and that her father wasn't. I was supposed to go to a meeting 3 hours away, and wasn't going to be home until 7.<P>I didn't go because this morning before he left, he went and kissed our 6 year old goodbye, and was almost in tears. My 6 year old was sobbing so hard, I don't know what his father said to him.<P>She didn't come home from school again. So I told her to call her dad at work. I'm sure he knows now about her truancy, or she is waiting for me to break the news to him.<P>Uggghhhh... <P>I guess I need prayer again, guys. I'm calm, I'm not scared - I'm too exhausted with all this stuff going on to get worked up.<P>The numbness has set in.

TNT<BR>The prayers are started!!!!!<BR>I'll be checking in on you all night. Have to go for a while now. But I'm thinking of you.<BR>You're doing great! Remember how much you've put into this.

I am so sorry you're going through this. There is so much pain on this board lately, and it hurts to read it sometimes. I just wanted you to know that I care, that I'm saying prayers.<P>I understand about teens too... boy, could I run with that one! I have three (ages 18,17,14, the 14 yr. old has special needs) and we went through the truancy thing as well as all sorts of other things... maybe one day we can talk about it. It's the hardest job on earth being a parent to a teenager, and especially steps, I'm sure. Authority without actual authority. Gotta be the worst! <P>Just wanted to check in with you and let you know I care...<P>~Sheryl

Thanks, Sheryl.<P>I always call it Reponsibility without authority. It is never balanced and doesn't work that way!<P>Thanks for the prayers. We need them badly tonight.<P>God Bless.

TNT-<P>You have my prayers to. You have always been there for me. I hope that you are ok.<P>Cheryl

He just called from his cell phone, and asked that I get a babysitter - and we would go to a coffee shop to discuss the newsletter. So, I'm taking it that he doesn't know about the truancies yet.<P>SD never came home from school either, again today. <P>I wonder if I should even bring them up, or let him find out from her. I want to make some progress, not go backwards further. <P>Well - I've got my babysitter. He seemed calm, but determined.<P>I was very pleasant and agreeable, just how he likes everything.

Hi TNT -<P>A BIG HUG and a Prayer for Strength for you!!!<P>I'm sorry that you have to add this SD nonsense to all that's already on your plate........<P>I know that it was a little lovebuster to speak your mind the way you did, but it sure could have been a lot worse!<P>I don't know - but I was thinking - is it a love buster to put the decision of handling things in his hands?<P>What I mean is - if need be can you say something like:<P>Look, You care about your Daughter, I care about your Daughter, we both want what is best for her and I don't understand why WE are at each others throats about your Daughter!!!!<P>I am trying to respect your feelings and am trying to help her and also help you not to be so stressed about her but - it seems that you do not feel that I have done anything correctly.<P>So this is what must be decided -<P>The way I see it - we have 3 choices!!<P>1) You and I parent this child and guide her correctly and that means backing each other up - not going against each other.<P>2) You take the reins and parent her yourself if you think that I am not doing it correctly. If that's the case then it should not set any bad example for our son and I WILL have a say in what he is exposed to!!<P>3) She leaves.....Which I do not want.I want to try to help your daughter and give her a good start in life with her habits and self worth.....however she is no better off with us if this bickering continues.<P>So which will it be? You tell me because I will not make m life hell because of your frustration.<P>Or something like that........<P>Can this help in some way, TNT?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - I'll be praying!!!!!<P> <BR>

TNT - I feel so bad for you. My thoughts and sympathy are with you in these hours of crisis. It does sound like you're handling it about as well as anyone could. These kinds of situations are very very hard on children. When my 1st W and I were in the process of splitting, our teenage son got arrested for shoplifting and totaled his car (fortunately, not himself!) Concern for what your children are feeling makes you feel twice as bad, I know. Do you think it might also help just to sit down and have a long talk with your SD and maybe explain a few things to her about the situation? The way your husband is behaving, I think maybe you should focus more on her than on him. See if you can't help her work through her problems with attending school and showing up for work. Maybe even arrange some kind of counseling for HER. Also, I wouldn't worry so much about lovebusters at this point. Your H sounds like he's behaving in a way that just makes it impossible to avoid them.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

TnT - I don't know what to say except that you have my prayers and support. I know you'll do just what you need to do. I'll be thinking of you.<P>Lori

I just got off the phone with him to tell him about the babysitter. His line was busy busy busy, and he said his brother called to invite our son to a football game... I bet that part is true, but I'm wondering if SD called, because he sounds weird again....<P>I will pose those 3 questions you quoted, Sheba -<P>Wex, thanks for your thoughts. CC, thanks for your prayers.<P>I feel like I don't know what I'm up against.<BR>

Praying...TnT...for you and that piece of work!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

TNT,<BR> I was listening to Dr. Laura this morning as I was running hither and yonder. One of the callers had a problem with a stepdaughter during visitation. It seems that her H would go about his business on the visitation weekend, leaving the girl with her, but didn't want her to discipline the child.<BR> Dr. Laura's advice was basically this: "Tell your H that you will no longer be his babysitter if you have no authority over the child. Tell him that he will have to be there with her the entire time that she is in their home, and that he will have to take care of her and discipline her."<P> Now, I know that your situation is different in that SD is actually living with you. So, tell your H that h will be totally responsible for his child. He will have to write the excuse notes, etc. Give the school his work number and tell them to call him if SD skips school. Tell the school that any notes signed by you from here on out will be forgeries. Put ALL the responsibility on him. In fact, I don't think I would wash her clothes. Let her fix her own food. If she leaves her belongings anywhere but in her room, simply put them into a garbage bag and stick 'em out in the utility room or somewhere--but only if it bothers you too much. Frankly, I'd leave her stuff thrown and let Dad get fed up with her mess. If she needs money, tell her to get it from dear old Dad. If she wants to sleep late, I'd suddenly have a burning desire to vacumn the carpet right outside her bedroom door.<P>Put the whole problem right on Dad's doorstep.<P>I would, however, continue to treat her kindly and make myself available to talk. I would tell her that I care for her, but unless she shapes up, treats me with respect, and honors the rules of my house, I will not be responsible for her. Do NOT let her know when you are upset over her actions; that makes her think she's "winning."<P>Just my two cents. I had a problem teen, and the only way I could deal with her was to get tough. The meaner I acted, the better she acted. BTW, bugging my phone helped me keep up with what she was up to, and leaving a voice-activated tape recorder hidden in my house let me know what was going on when I wasn't home (no other kids were allowed in the house without Mom or Dad there).<BR> Distancing yourself from your H may be exactly what you need to do. Before H admitted his "fling," it seemed that I got the best results when I distanced myself from him.<P>

Hello tnt,<BR>I can understand why you feel that you do not know what you are up against! You don't-there are entirely too many inconsistencies for anyone to know what is up. The only thing that seems consistent is your love and the ability to get the H worked up about sd. Does H have to travel out of town for work? If he does then he needs to get the rules straight with the sd before he goes! I am having a pretty hard time understanding why he wants the daughter there with the family, yet he does not want anything to do with raising her?!?!<BR>TNT, my advice would be to talk to him about it tonight, get some plan in place with some committment from him. AND get some followup plans so that you can bring up the issues and discuss alternatives. Like every friday at 6:00pm, we will evaluate how the week went, and if any of the followiing occurred, the sd will spend the weekend washing windows, scrubbing tile, etc. If sd managed to make it to class, to work, and home by curfew then she is loose for the weekend! Yippeeee, an incentive?! Maybe H needs one too? If sd manages to get herself to school, stay away from the police, stays out of the deans office and gets home on time, he should get a prize too??? Hmmm, I guess I believe in bribery!<BR>Keep your marriage in front, and don't let her get between the two of you. (((hugs)))cl

TNT-<BR>I just got a chance to read your post. Oh my dear, I have been in your shoes. And they pinched like the dickens.<P>All the advice that you have gotten was what I wished I had had when I was fighting this battle. By now I am sure that you either are talking with H or have done so. <P>I can only pray that God gave you words of wisdom and gave your husband ears to hear them. <P>Try and keep this separate from your marriage. Hard I know, but my SS loved it when his father and I were fighting over him. He hoped that I would leave and he and Dad could hang out together. And no interfering me to ruin everything.<P>God knows what is best here. Let him help you. So easy to say and so hard to do.<P>God bless

TNT -<P>Thinking about you and saying prayers!!<P>Dreamer - Hi and how are you? How's your H coming along? <P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Rome wasn't built in a day......<P>We went to dinner. I bought a newspaper and eat pie, drank coffee, and smoked cigarettes. One OW from his first marriage walked in the restaurant. (Happens to be his sister's SIL...) So, how nice, we got to visit with her!!! She knows I know, but I pretend and she pretends it didn't happen - and it did happen before our current spouses time. Just what we needed. <BR>A reminder of who he was and where he comes from <P>And, because he only had read the first little bit of the newsletter, I read my newspaper as he read this article, but it took him 20 minutes of complaining about why he had to read it, and why we couldn't just take it one paragraph at a time together.<P>On the way in the restaurant, he said he loved me and never wanted to be divorced, but he felt that he was not responsible for me or to make me happy, that was my responsibility. He doesn't want me to meet his needs, and he doesn't want to meet mine.<P>In fact, he said this about 8 times this evening, so I think he's pretty stuck on this. He said, and I wrote it down as he said it the second to the last time: "I'm not sure if I agree with these principles. Why is it up to me to make YOU happy." <P>It made me angry, but I held my lip stiff and clenched my jaws and sorta opened my eyes a little wider and smoked more ciggarettes. But I didn't say a thing.<P>Then he said that everything would be fine, if I would just learn how he feels, and he watched me write this down - and nodded his head, yes that is what he said, here it is:<P>"I feel like there is too many demands on me all the time that I cannot handle a 2 minute conversation."<P>"I have tried to stop being this arrogant selfish demanding disrespectful hateful forceful mean abusive person, and I have been 60% successful. But you haven't tried or changed a bit."<P>I said, you know I am more than a piece of furniture. You seem to think that I have no opinion that counts, except when it comes to telling you how wonderful you are.<P>He said that isn't true. I said yes it is. I'm not supposed to have any opinion about anything. He disagreed. I said, no you think about it. Then I gave examples. Then he said, well I let you buy an entertainment center and TV the other week, didn't I?<P>So, I said, well how nice of you - it was MY money, not yours. Would you let me spend YOUR money on what I wanted? (We don't usually call it your money, my money. Its all usually our money, without my input on decisions how it is spent.)<P>We got basically nowhere, but it got busy in the restaurant, so we left. I said, well - we just need to chip away at this stuff - it can't be resolved in one night, so we just need to do this once in a while.<P>He agreed. And we agreed that we are going to work on our marriage and stay married. <P>Rome was built in a day. This marriage went downhill over a long period of time, and it isn't going to be fixed in a day.<P>

Im praying too... I'll be watching to see what happens.... God is good, and I know He'll be there with you...<P>cozy<P>

And as far as the "joint parenting" the SD, I barely touched on the subject before we got there. All I said was, "Did Ashlie get a hold of you today? What did she say. He said she asked if she could go out tonight. I said, did she say anything else? And he said, no, why. "I was just wondering, and I don't want to fight, and I don't want to tell you like some sort of game that you think I am playing." Tell me, I want to know. I said, she was truant the other day. He said, did the school call? I said yes." That was it on that point. I could sense this wasn't a night to even talk about SD.<P>Thank you all for your prayers! I do think it was helpful, because this could have gotten out of hand so easily. <P>I'll post more tomorrow, but for tonight I think I'll go to bed. <P>Got a lot to think about!<P>Nighty night.<BR>TNT