Just lil ole me looking for an outlet for my thoughts, reflections and moments of questioning why I do what I do. Y'all can read along or just go on about your lives <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

The volcano I call my mouth has been quiet the past few days, just spewing a little smoke occasionally but no lava thank God! It has given me a break long enough to quietly reflect on where I have been and where I am going in this life.

I have made many bad decisions (or possibly non decisions just reacting)in my life. The worst of which was to have an A. Second only to that being the decision to NOT tell my H the heap of hurt I shoveled on him and my kids. I will regret these decisions until the day I die.

Now as I sit here facing a D that I filed for but really don't want, I realize I have never really had a "plan". 22 and pregnant out of wedlock? Ok, raise the kid on my own. Date a few louses before meeting my H. Pick up STD along the way. Live together 2 years and marry cuz I am getting to be 30 and want more kids. Ok. Pregnant w/DD, buy a house why not? 2 years later feeling lonely and unwanted by my H, have an A with co-worker. End A, drag H to counseling, get pregnant w/ DS. On and on I have just reacted to life. Never asked myself how these things would affect my future, only lived in the now. Because I didn't think life through I ended up with an STD from an R prior to my M. Life changing event because that STD got passed unknowingly onto my YDS during birth and subsequently caused his disabilties. More consequences for lack of looking into the future.

Now, I am facing the reality of raising a disabled son and my DD 12 on my own. Do I have a plan yet? NO, but thanks to this board I finally see WHY I need a plan.

My heart and my confidence are splintered. I sit here looking at the shards wondering how to patch them back together. My H has had 3 A's that I know of, there may be more but I will likely never know the truth. Torn between being outraged and angry for him not telling me the whole truth and realizing I never bothered to tell him my truth so does he really "owe" me his?

Trying to reconcile the woman I have become with the woman I used to be. I accepted Christ in my life at the ripe old age of 38. THE best decision I have made in my life. Through HIM I have slowly been transformed in the woman you all see today. I am continuing to change and grow. I am beginning to be able to really look myself in the mirror and not be ashamed.

My children are an enormous blessing. Especially my YDS. Raising a special needs child is a tremendous task with rich rewards. I never knew my heart could love another human being the way I love this child. I love all three of my kids, but this one is different. He loves with no boundaries and in turn I love him the same.

My WH? It is hard to let go because I love him deeply and with the heart of a servant. I realized recently that Christ calls us to serve and the more I serve the more I love. Such a quandry. It reminds me of the MB philosphy of meeting EN's. Putting your S ahead of yourself and hopefully, eventually getting your EN's met in return. I don't believe my needs have ever really been met in this M. My H has a lot of problems that go way back to his childhood. Our MC told him he would need years of IC to truly address those issues and live a happy life. He has chosen instead to move on. He wants this D. He wants to live an unattached life, yet I know he has no idea how much he will miss me. I can't "do" anything to change his mind. Hopefully acceptance will come to me in this process of grieving. We haven't yet faced the fallout of telling our DD. She will be shattered and mom will have to glue the pieces back together.

Sigh..I'll leave you with some lyrics that really fit my state of mind right now. If you have read this far, you may be as crazy as I am <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok my first step to making a plan was to download a budget template. I need to get my finances in order and put a real budget together. The amount of money WH will be contributing to my household will leave me having to make cuts.

i made it to the bottom FF, i guess i am as crazy as you.

i like that song too.

{{{{FF}}}}

LOL, FL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I guess you are! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FF, I made it to the bottom too... I'm here with you. The song really fits today doesn't it?

{{{BIG hug}}}

Sally

Hi Sally, I saw your post that you are feeling down today. I am doing all I can to bring myself UP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I wore my fav outfit to work. I am smiling and going out of my way to acknowledge other people and I am journaling my pain.

You are not long into this and still have a chance at a positive outcome. Hang in there and {{sally}} back at ya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have this tendancy to spin out of control. It is like watching my life swirl around me ala Dorothy in the tornado. My next step in my plan is journaling my thoughts daily or more. Think before I step and remember that my feelings are just that...feelings. Feelings change, feelings come and go, wax and wane while the world keeps moving forward. I must continue to move forward in this journey and stop basing everything I do on my feelings.

My journey with God has taken a back seat recently and that should not be. I attend church, I teach Sunday school and I led women's bible meetings at church but my heart has not been there. I picked up my Bible Sunday night and READ! First time in a long time that I felt grounded, nourished and whole. I need to lean on Him through this.

((HUGS))

I hope God lifts the weight off your heart fr you soon. From whain your posts you are a strong, amazing woman!

-ds

Thank you DS. I guess we now belong to the sisterhood of mothering special kids.

Dressing better and smiling have really helped my mood. I am no longer obsessing about what my WH is or is not doing. I stopped asking too because it serves no purpose for me in my process of trying to accept that we are D'ing. This is the only long term relationship of mine. Could be one of the reasons I am hanging on so hard. I know of course my kids are another reason. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

FF, i am very proud of you!!

Feeling sad today. It is a sadness that I can feel deep down in my soul and a seemingly endless ache in my heart.

Hi FF

(((((FF))))))

I haven't been much on here lately, but I just wanted to give you a hug. I read all of that too. I do understand what you mean about taking charge of your life and not reacting. I am happy for you and sad for you at the same time.

**Edited because it didn't make sense.

Hey Smur! I miss ya. Thanks for reading all that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yep, this board is a great outlet for me cuz my WH doesn't read it and nobody else will if I keep rambling on...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

(((FF))) We will be here to help you with the pain. ANd we will be here to help get you up, and keep doing it. Heck we all do that for each other. Remember, you willl never be alone in this. Never

Thanks, FAA and so glad you to have you back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So hard to let go of the idea that this M could work. I was thinking this morning about the idea of raising my disabled son by myself when the truth struck me. I already do. What I would be losing is an adult in the house if I need to run to the store so I don't have to take DS. I would lose the person I run things past if DS is sick and I am in a panic, but then I could CALL my WH for that purpose. Then my thoughts continued...my DD would miss her daddy terribly. That is a truth. I would miss someone to share my bed with, to have SF with, an adult to talk to and the safe feeling of having a man in the house. Would I really miss HIM though? Hard to say. Some days yes and some days a resounding NO! I will not miss wondering who he is talking to and if he really is where he says he is. I will not miss the conflict and the days he makes me feel stupid. I am feeling some anxiety this morning. I have to get ready for work but wanted to just write these thoughts down first.

i'm here, listening quietly. you are processing thru it all, which is very healty for you. i'm here, praying for you FF.

I am still doing very well all in all. Haven't really lost my tongue or lost control of my senses with my WH. I was tired and asked him to clean up the kitchen after dinner, which he did, but only with a barrage of criticism of how I do things around the house. I admit I did shoot back instead of just walking away but I at least did not really lose my temper. It did lead me however to asking if he is back in C with OW. Usually the criticism comes when he has someone to compare or justify his view of me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

He says no, who knows I don't really watch him much anymore. The idea is for me to try to slowly detach myself. I am coming to a point that I need him to move out. It is too painful and confusing to have him here but part of me fights it because I really don't want to D. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

This morning I am going to remind myself of all I do so my WH's remarks don't hold water and I don't allow my self esteem to crumble.

1. I take care of cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying and m 99% of caretaking of our kids by myself.
2. I work fulltime and bring in more than 50% of our household income.
3.I take DS to all of his therapy and doctor appointments, go to DD and DS's school meetings and help DD with homework as much as I can.
4. I teach Sunday school.
5. I led our women's group at church.
6. I have many friends IRL and in cyber world that love and care for me.
7. I have a God that sees me as perfect <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This is not to brag, but to remind myself that I am not the clumsy, stupid, incompetant, lazy person my WH has made me feel like many times over the years.

And..the thing I am most proud of....
I am a RECOVERED wayward wife <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

YEAH FAithful you go girl!!!!

I'll accept anything A2 says in regards to the A - I won't accept anything to say I was not a good mum or keeping the house clean & tidy - and to be fair I haven't had any really

FF, I have so delighted in reading your posts and in watching you become stronger . . . do you really know how much you've grown? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And you forgot to add

8. You are a blessing to so many people who look up to you and depend on you for your sage advice, gentle heart and kindness.


~ StillLovingHim