K, I missed your comment on your little one, and just went back to read it. I'm sorry he's ignoring her birthday. Some people have no idea how important birthdays are to children.

About counseling, I know some counselors will accept a "sliding scale" based on your ability to pay. If not, isn't that covered under your medical plan and then each of you would need to pay according to the CS agreement. It's actually worded in mine (for divorce adjustment counseling).

SR - no 2x4s. I'm trying to be less judgemental in my current life. I was sad to read it though, so only commented with hugs. Life is so wonderful (with the kids) and so hard (trying to juggle things) that when we find someone with whom we want to spend time we get so excited. I hope to never be in your situation, but none of us can say what life holds. We can try to be true to ourselves, make sure we take good care of our children and do the best we can.

Don't beat yourself up over the head. How many of us did that in trying to understand the divorce? If only we did this or did that? Just deal with the situation at hand. Trust yourself to know what you need to do now.

And when are you ladies going to drive east?

Hey Newly,

Yeah, it wasn't bad enough that he had to blow off her b-day, but to get married on her day was the worst.
His day will come.

As far as the counseling, I do have coverage. It only pays 50% though. But, my mental health is important. This is bigger than me, so I need to address it. Thanks for the tips!

Thinking of you Still!!

Karona

Hi Ladies-

Thanks for the support. Newly, you are uplifting as always. I have to say that after pondering the thought of ending my long term relationship with my long distance boyfriend for so long, I was able to and felt very little grief or emotion about it in large part to this friend, whom I then moved into a relationship with, and am now being left by. I guess it is ironic and well deserved.

Anyhow, Karona, your words really hit home, especially since it has been about four monts. Yikes, is that weird or what? I don't know what to think, he was just wonderful, not perfect by any means, but he just fit so many things I wanted and it felt so right.

The thing that always bothered me was that he was always pushing things so fast. I was always the one stressing the need for time and healing. He was very convincing and I finally opened up and boom here we sit.

I understand he is healing and like I have said, I should have known better. Right now he is "looking for perfection" he is still raw from the divorce and assumes that everything must fit a perfect in order for it to be anything. The funny thing is that he has been infatuated with me from the start and I kept telling him that I am only human. As good as it was for my ego it was a bit scary and now I know why. After one argument he has taken me off of my pedestal and is running scared.

Anyhow, space is what I am giving him. He of course wants us to keep hanging out, talking on the phone, etc. I however, simply am not up to it. Furthermore, I believe he needs space and as long as I continue to be with him per say, he will never have the alone time he is so desperately needing.

I guess this will go down as one of my major life lessons learned. It really hurts, because I really had strong feelings for him and actually was beginning to allow myself to believe that he might be the one. I guess only time will tell.

On another note, Karona, do you ever think that you and the former BF could have a second chance or do you think that everything that has gone down has made that impossible?

Thanks for listening.

Take care and God bless!
K

Oh Still, this is so hard, I know.
I know so well because I'm the weird one in mine. I have to say, as great in so many ways my former was, I was looking for every red flag I could. I know that I will never find a man if I continue down that road.

Time is the very thing "I think" that he needs. I didn't mean to hit so close on the 4 month mark, but that is when it hit for me. Up until that point, I wanted it all just as much as he did. Then, it got to be all too much, too soon.
I was to blame just as much as him.

As far as at a later date???? Sometimes that is what I hope for. That we will spend this time apart, and our paths will cross again, and then it will be right. But, I do have this jealous side of me. And that side thinks, if he hitches up with someone in the between time, can I handle that???? I know, I caused all of this, but that's me.
He was right for me in so many ways. There are a couple of things about him that I do wonder about, but are they that major?? I'm not sure.
I just feel like if I have time, and hopefully get to see the world a bit, maybe it will get clear for me.
I hate to never have to say, he was the one that got away. That someday I will realize it, and it will be too late.
Only time will tell, and I have to trust that God is with me on this.

I will continue to think of you. I think your guy is scared. I think he does love you, and feels a committment towards you. I think he may be afraid of failure (like I'm so afraid of)but is scared to death to lose you too, that being the reason he wants to keep the contact going.
But, like you said, it is very hard to do it that way. You will still have a feeling of a relationship there, and he time apart during this confusing time will make you wonder, and possibly it will hurt to think that he could be doing.... whatever that may be. I'm not saying he will run around or wants to do that, but it's what starts happening in your mind. Like, you don't really have a thing going, just this talking thing, and the feelings are still there...
It's just such a hard time.

Anyway, keep checking in. I'm very interested in this. I care about you, and very much hope for your happiness.

Karona

Oh Karona-

You have just described him to a tee. He is so confused right now and running scared. He is looking at every red flag as a fatal flaw and it terrifies me, along with ripping my heart out.

All along I have been the guarded one, explaining that I felt he needed his space, time, etc., but he just pursued it and things felt so right. I honestly love everything about him.

Yesterday I asked him for a total break. I explained that as much as I didn't want it, I needed it for my sanity. I reaffirmed that he needs the total separation as well, but he is adamently against it. Last night he called repeatedly until I talked to him. When I finally did we had an awesome conversation and I thought he saw my point. He told me he loved me, but had to do this, etc. Well an hour later he called back. I told him he couldn't keep doing this. He said he loves me, doesn't want to lose me, but is suddenly totally afraid of a committment to me. I told him that he needed the time to find some clarity and if it is meant to be it will be. It was very difficult. He asked me what I wanted him to do. He asked what I wanted and what would be best for me. When I told him a total break he cried.

Why can't this be easy? As crazy as it sounds, I really thought he might be the one. I have never been treated as well in my life, we had such fun, and had so much in common.

How do we convince people like you and him not to be afraid? How can time fix this? I feel like he won't be satisfied simply with not having me, it's like he has to prove to himself that I am the one. How do we overcome this?

I have to run, but would appreciate any of your thoughts.

Take care and God bless!

K

Oh Still, this is the the million dollar question.

"How do we convince people like you and him not to be afraid? How can time fix this? I feel like he won't be satisfied simply with not having me, it's like he has to prove to himself that I am the one. How do we overcome this?"

I wish I knew the answer, this is the answer I'm looking for myself.
That is exactly what I feel like I have to do, is PROVE TO MYSELF THAT MY Mr. is the one that will rock my world forever.
Like you said, I also have NEVER EVER been treated so well.
So, why do I push this away??? I don't know.
I'm hoping that time will give me clarity. BUT, I'm scared of what could happen. He could end up with someone else, or me. That scares me to death.

My oldest told me Sunday how much she misses him in our life. Then, last night, she told me she loves him and what a great step dad he would be.
So, what do I say to that?? Nothing other than, yes, he would be. But, it doesn't take away that stupid feeling that I have.

Whatever you do, don't push him. This guy of mine tried to take away the feelings, but it's something you or he can't do for us confused people.

Keep writing Still. Maybe I will see the light in myself through what you are going through.

I know that your guy is scared to death right now. I know that feeling all too well.

Take care Still,
Karona

Thanks Karona-

It is just so confusing. I am so wishing I had stuck to my guns and used what I knew about the healing process to keep things just friends, but things were too nice to pass up. I would even be having an easier time if I had been the pursuer, but that simply wasn't the case. He was soooooooooo into everything. Fear is a freaky thing!

I am not pushing, but I feel he is. I have asked repeatedly for no contact, but he keeps calling. I can't rehash this everyday. I have to take care of me. So far he has respected my wish for a total break today, but who knows what the night will hold.

It really stinks as Friday is my birthday and we had plans, now they are off. He actually wants to go through with them, but I am saying no. I am so confused. What does he want?

Then to top it off, last night in the middle of everything my XBF called. I didn't take it, but he left a message to call him. He is horrible with dates, but I am assuming that he realizes it is my birthday and called because of it. I will call him back, but haven't talked to him in three months so I am a bit leary.

When will this soap opera end?

Thanks for the support!

Take care and God bless!
K

Well, Happy Birthday to you Still!!

I'm guessing it's not going to be real exciting with all of this going on.

I have to say, I wondered about the exbf. I wondered if it all just ended that easily or whatever happened to him.
Let me know what happens after you talk to him.

I don't know this new guy, so it's only a guess.
But, I think he is so mixed up right now.
I know he must be so afraid to lose you, but yet he feels he needs some time.

I'm sure you must be getting so confused with the mixed signals.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's so hard to ignore those feelings that come our way. And I'm sure he was just as interested as you were in the whole thing.

Don't count it a done relationship. I think he has very strong feelings for you, and he will get it figured out.

I wish I lived close to you. I would help you celebrate your special day.

I continue to think of you. Be strong! I know it's hard. I have been in his spot, heck, I still am. But, I know it's hard.

Take care.
Karona

Thanks for the support Karona. I am just feeling very sad and confused about life right now. I am also very unsure of my feelings and really doubting my ability to ever find what I am looking for or being able to trust in anything. I guess that even though deep down I knew I should keep some distance my feelings took over. I guess I think it would have been different if I had pursued this, then I could tell myself that I knew better and this was the outcome for pushing it, but I was the one slowing it down, etc. He seemed so sure.

Well, for the first time in months there was no contact between my confused man and I yesterday. I am relieved yet sad because even though I know it is too soon I keep hoping for that call in which he says he was scared and confused, but wants to work it out. Ah yes, I am still a dreamer!

As for my XBF, yes things just pretty much stopped. I needed my space. I haven't talked to him yet. I hate to in light of everything that is going on. I will let you know how it goes when I do.

Thanks for your well wishes. This too will pass, but right now it feels like my world is upside down!

Take care and God bless!

K

I know all about it Still.
And I share the same feelings. I wonder too, if I will ever find what it is I seem to be searching for.

Don't count this guy out yet.
I don't feel like it over for the two of you, and I don't even know you.

I think I feel this way, because deep in my heart, that is how I feel about my xbf.
I feel like, if I take this time, and we meet again, things will work and be more in place.
That's not to say that I'm not miserable right now, without him.
It's so hard not to call him, but I'm really trying hard not to.

I believe you when you say you didn't push it. I feel like I have come to know you well enough, and I know that you are sensible.

Like I said, I wouldn't count this a done deal. I think he just needs to step back, and evaluate.
I know its hard, I know it for a fact. For me, I swear, sometimes I think this is harder then when my x left. I think because he hurt me so bad, and there was someone else in the picture, I finally had enough, and my heart closed to him.
But this, this is different. There was no hurt involved. He showed me love and attention, and everything was great. It was just a spot I got to, and I had to step back.

When is your last day of school?? My girl's is today. They were excited today.

Talk to you soon.

Karona

Hi Karona-

Everything you say makes sense. This is so hard because there was nothing wrong. I think with time and clarity for both of us it could be incredible, but it is not for me to say write now.

I do have a question for you. In your state of mind do you think that a complete break is the best? I mean, I think it is, but I am looking to someone in the same place as he to give some perspective. He doesn't want to be cut off, but I think he needs the time alone to really realize what he feels for me, wants, etc. Granted, time apart means we may never get back, but isn't it the only way?

Take care and God Bless!
K

Hey Still,

I guess that is how I feel in my own situation. Given time, it could be wonderful, but I also know that time away could mean never again. UUGGGHHHH, it's such a rough spot to be in. For me, I have this thing in my head, that if I go through this time, possibly go out with someone else, and see that I'm not missing anything out there, that I will know that he is the one. That if we do this separation thing, and we come together again, then it will be right.

For me, I needed a complete break. The first time I asked for it, it was 8 weeks. No contact of any kind. I remember though, the first couple of weeks, I really needed it, and I was fine. After that, I started really missing him. By week 8, when I bumped into him, I cried! Things were great again, but then I got right back into that space thing again. So, did I go back into it too soon? Maybe.

I don't know the right answer to give you. I think the time would be good for him, but, then I think, well, what if he calls and wants to see you. Could you say no? I know I can't. I'm like addicted to this guy. If I don't talk/see him, it hurts, I miss him, but I can deal. BUT, if I do see him, or talk, then I feel like I have to spend time with him. It's such a mess. Needless to say, I have not seen him for awhile, or have not talked to him. And, yes, I'm pretty miserable. That should tell me something, but, I still feel like I need the time.

Has he called and said anything about still doing something for your birthday?
I hate that your going through this.
I know he probably can't explain it very well if he is anything like me.

I don't know if you ever said, does he have kids? Just being nosey.

Take care Still,
Karona

Hi again-

Listening to you is so comforting because it is like talking to him without the pain. You sound exactly like him.

Like I said, I am the one who has said no contact. That is where the two of you are different as he wants constant, well now daily contact even with the break. I know it is killing him, he said so and also told a friend of mine. People who work with him have commented that something is wrong, he looks miserable. He also told my friend that he is miserable, but a mess and can't stand that he is doing this to me.

He has no kids, but wants some. He really meets everything that I am looking for, that is why this is so hard!

He hasn't called at all. If he were to call and was still a mess and wanted to do something, no matter how hard it was I would have to say no. There is no looking back for me at this point. On the other hand if he were to call after a while and want to try again, I'd most likely be up for it.

Another bad thing is that tomorrow in addition to being my birthday, is the last day of school. He is also a teacher. We are both going out with friends and I know I will run into him. I am not looking forward to it. I just have this feeling that he will want to talk, etc. and I honestly can't. I am also worried as he is depressed. What will he be like? Worse yet, what if he is totally having fun? It will be both interesting and difficult to see him.

Thanks again for the input.

Take care and God bless!

K

Oh goodness Still, what a mess that will be.

I hope you have fun though. It sounds pretty much a sure thing that you will see him.
My bet is, he is miserable, and you will see that. I don't think you will see him having some great time.

That was something I noticed about xbf of mine. While there were times I didn't give him much to be happy about, I saw a depression side. And, that scared me. I don't know if he has those tendencies, or if it was a result of me being confused.

Your one strong woman, that's for sure. It takes strength to do what you are doing.
Happy Birthday to you Still. I'm going out of town tomorrow, but I will be thinking of you.

Take care,
Karona

Well Karona-

Last night my world was turned upside down. First I met some friends for dinner and was really pumped up about life in general, this is a good sign. Then I went home and the excitement began.

First XBF calls. We make small talk, he brings up our split, blasts me for it, apologizes, talks about what I want, etc. Ends up with saying he still thinks about me daily and has feelings for me, wonders if I feel the same or want to see him. I tell him that although I do think of him and care for him that I think we should stick to talking for now. He says that works for him, that he is patient.

I get off the phone and call a friend. I am watching the news because I was to be on it. I know current relationship watches the news faithfully and wonder what he will think. Anyhow, about 2 minutes after I am on I receive a text from him, which leads to a reply, which leads to a phone call, which leads to me seeing him. It was weird. There are definitely a lot of feelings there, but a lot of questions and apprehension on both parts. I know he feels he is letting me down, especially after last night, but I don't know, I feel differently. It's like it made me gain some clarity. Where before I was taking this as a personal attack, I see it for what it is. I still think he is wonderful, but honestly know I can't be with him now. I am sad, but really settled. Does that make sense? He asked me to stay overnight because it was already my birthday anyway so I did. I don't know, I felt like it was nice closure. Thoughts?

Have fun getting away. I am sure that this isn't over and that my calm will be replaced with many emotions. Thanks for being here for me.

Take care and God bless!
K

Oh Still, that's the first thing that always comes to my mind.
I know so much of this whole thing.

The text, reply, call....have done that many times.

So, your thinking its over? It sounded like it when you referred to the closure part.
I still think he is so confused, and isn't considering it done, but needs time.

I know all about the overnight thing. Just be careful with it. It's a tender thing. While my guy is not that way 100%, I did feel used a couple of times. Because we did the overnight thing, and then there was no contact. It made me really feel not too good. While I knew I was the one who was putting the distance there, it still didn't feel good afterwards.

I think you did well on the xbf though. I think you played that smart, very smart. I don't think your ready to go back into that.

Did you have a good birthday? I hope so.
I do think of you a lot. You are a special person to me.

Keep me posted on the guy.
I'm very interested in this, since I'm so close to the situation.

I have not heard a peep from my xguy. I'm still struggling with it, but I know it's for the best, for now. Time will tell. I pray for clarity, and guidance all the time.
To be honest, I'm at the point where I would be scared if he did call. It would be easy to go back, but I know I would be confused still. Then the other part of me knows how long it takes to get where I'm at. Where I'm not wanting to cry about him. I'm not 17 anymore, why am I acting this way???? Haha

Take care Still,
Karona

Hi Karona-

Let's just say it's been a long weekend and a huge roller coaster ride!

After Friday morning asking for no contact he asked if he could at least say, "Hi and Happy Birthday!" if I saw him out. I told him that would be okay. Anyhow, Friday was an emotional day. My school is closing and it was hard to watch everyone leave knowing they would never come back. I went home, got dolled up, and went out with friends, but I just wasn't into it. Anyhow, my friends told the bartender I was going through a lot and was now bumming on my birthday. He told me that he couldn't have that and a couple of shots later my spirits were lifting. That's when the man walked in. He said, "Hi," and brought me a drink. We talked a bit and he went back to his friends, only to return shortly. He basically left his group to hang with us. Anyhow, there he stayed for the rest of the night. I tried to play it casual especially in light of things, but he was very persistant. As one friend told me, "The place was packed with people, but as far as he was concerned I was the only one there!" Anyhow, we had fun and ended up going home together. Everything was going great until Saturday morning when he asked what we were going to do. I told him I had things that I had to get done, and had plans that night, but was up for most anything. It was like a light switch was flipped. He suddenly was like, "I'll bring you home." There was no conversation, it was just done.

Anyhow, since then we have talked and gotten nowhere. I have asked for a complete break and he keeps breaking it. He told me yesterday that I have never made him a priority and we talked about it. I told him that we all love and act differently and just because someone doesn't do things the same way you do, it doesn't mean that they are just as committed or in love, that is what makes relationships great. It seems he wants 110% time commitment, something I can't give nor do I want to. It makes me feel smothered. So now he says that although he loves everything about me he has to go out and see if there is someone out there who will make him their top priority and love him the way he loves them - so unfair! He told me he is in a rush, looking for a perfect relationship, and wants to be married, immediately. This just proves how emotionally unstable and unavailable he is and I can no longer be drawn into it.

He says he will honor my request for a total break and I am hoping he does. I really love him, but feel he is in love with an illusion of me, not the real me. He is looking for perfect and is going to miss out on something wonderful because of it, but I know it is out of my hands so I am moving on and concentrating on me. Yes, easier said than done!

How about you? How are things going?

Insight?

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Still,

I hate that you are going through this. I know this situation only too well.

You know, I know exactly what you mean on the smoothered thing. That is how I felt with my guy. He had no other life so to speak. He has his single friends, but, no kids. Our children are huge #1 priority in our lives.
My guy understood this and totally respected it. But, something he didn't always understand was, as soon as they left to go spend time with their dad, I didn't always want his immediate company. I wanted some alone/me time. To do what ever it was I wanted to do. Whether that be nothing, house work, or be with girlfriends. He never got mad about it, but he didn't understand it.

I do understand how you feel so well.
I think he only said what he said out of hurt and frustration. I think he has the spare time that you don't, and I guess it's hard for them to understand that.
I don't for a minute think that you didn't give him attention.

When you mentioned about the scene, as far as being the only two people in the place. I know that so well too. This guy was wonderful at making me feel like I was the ONLY person in a place. That is only one of the things that I miss about him. It is so wonderful to be feel that special.

Still, this is going to be so hard on you. Hold on tight!
I have no great advice to give you.
I can tell you that I'm still struggling without this guy in my life. I think about him everyday, wake up and night and think of him all over again.

I don't have the answers. I do believe in my case, that stopping the relationship is the best/healthiest for he and I.

I bet that is hard seeing those kids go from school. Leaving Elementary is a huge step. It such a safe place, and it seems like there headed for the big world when they leave.
Glad you made it through the last day.

Take care Still, stay in touch.

Karona

You know Karona, you nailed it on the head. I thought I treated him wonderfully, but I didn't give him every waking minute. It's like he respected my time with my kids, but felt that every other waking moment should have been his. I don't know, maybe it is insecurity, who knows. All I know is that I have to look at what I want, and I know that I want someone who loves me, but also has some sense of independence.

I really miss everything about him, except the smothering. I honestly like being able to do what I want and not feel guilty about it.

I think about what I have lost a lot and wonder if he does too. We honestly had so much fun together and such wonderful conversations, experiences, etc. Doesn't he miss it too? I am really confused as to where he is coming from. I thought it was fear of moving too quickly, but the more we talk the more I feel it is fear of failure and the other person not loving him enough. The sad thing is that it was so untrue! His comments on loving me, but needing to date other women to see if they will give him everything he is looking for really hurt. The logical side of me says good luck, there isn't perfect and he is an emotional mess, but the feeling/hurting part feels like what if he walks right out and finds this dream woman he is looking for? Did our connection mean nothing?

Honestly I know from the calls, texts, etc. that I am on his mind, but it isn't enough and I can't take this. I would rather not see/talk to him at all. It is just easier. I know these feelings will pass, but right now they are ripping my guts out!

Thanks for listening!

Take care and God bless!
K

Still, AGAIN, I know exactly what you are talking about.
I have also wondered about my guy too, the same way.
He goes out frequently, since he has many single guy friends. It's been 2 weeks since we last had contact. I always wonder, has he moved on?? Seemingly to me, that easy?

But, the last time I did have test contact with him, he was feeling the same raw pain as me.

So, know that your guy most likely is too. I think he is so confused, and hurting too, that he said this hurtful stuff to you to make the pain easier on himself. As if, he put hurt into the situation, the other hurt wouldn't feel so bad. If that makes any sense.

For me, I couldn't have the "kind of" relationship. It left too many unanswered questions, that I KNEW I didn't have the right to ask.

I can't say anything to ease your pain, but I will tell you that I will talk with you any and all the time.
I know what your going through, and I'm hurting right now too. Your not alone in this one Still.

Take care of yourself.

Karona