about a week ago in my own personal journal i wrote about how i am proud of all i have accomplished. it has not been easy, bump free or any where near a straight path. but the fact still remains, i have made some serious changes to myself which i am really proud of.

i have had lots of help, my husband is on the top of that list because i was first and foremost touched and inspired to turn myself around because of him. His actions became, for me, an example of the strength of love. His commitment to marriage, his love for me and the family, his ability to perservere and his willingness to change and grow himself. He really turned my head.

then of course there is all of you here at MB. The endless number of posts to me so lovingly written to help open my eyes. JL, you know i will never be able to thank you enough. And Roman, i don't ever see him post anymore, but the sharing of his story was invaluable too. i better not start trying to name you all again. I know you all know who you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

then there is my IC. i struggled with the thought of being in IC, past history of IC had not been all that great. There was the one that called me a floosy (did i spell that right??) when i started to open up to her about my internet problem and then of course the one who said he didn't think my H loved me. a statement that echoed in my head for so long, especially loud whenever i started to want to believe he really did love me. Robby, you helped me so much get over that hurdle, remember? and i found a really good one this time. and with her i was finally able to look at my past, understand the damage it did and then finally heal from it.

And while i know i must acknowledge all the help I have recieved. I can also boldly type, I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself and because of the grace of God, I can forgive myself and free myself to love others as Jesus' taught us to love.

I was prompted to share this today, something i have had in my head to share ever since i wrote about it in my journal, because of Pep's comment to me about how i have come a long way. and more specifically because of my response to that comment. i obviously need to further instill this in my own head and heart.

and i am sharing this today to help others that may be struggling with accepting themselves. we are all God's children, we have all sinned but we all can choose to accept God's grace and forgiveness and then focus on the day at hand and strive to do our best with it.

Awesome, FL! I am proud of ya, too. You know I have told you before that early on I lurked on your threads and learned what true grit and determination can do for one's spirit. Good going <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What an amazing post - thank you so much.

It's only been 5 months for me, but I am amazed at how far I have come too, I am so much a better woman with the help of God. I know I have a long way to go - but its so great to be on the way there!

A poem I have hanging by my computer I love so much has helped me so much - it reminds me that I do not have to be defined by my past and by my mistakes if I choose to change and keep God in my life and to become a better person through Him. And I AM a better person right now, today because of Him.

(((HUGS))) to you FLT2M

A forgiven woman (author unknown)

Yes it is true that when you stand before the Lord to ask His forgiveness.
Your dress is ragged and tattered because of ugly sins.
Your hair is thickly tangled with the web of rebellion.
Your shoes are torm and muddy by your past failures.
But God never sees any of that!
He sees you Holy.
He sees you Perfect.
Because you are dressed in His righteousness.
And He has covered you with the full-length cape of His love.
He sees nothing else!
Even when you explain how you really look underneath, He hears, but He forgets forever.
The dimenstions of His forgetfulness is as far as the East is from the West.
And it endures past all eternity.

what a nice poem. thanks for typing all that in here

Wonderful stuff FL.

You should know I draw a lot of hope from your success.

NCW

FL,

Well, if it makes you feel better we have been proud of you longer than you have been proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, you do have a lot to be proud of and I truely believe as you continue to gain confidence in yourself, so will those around you. It is a joy to read this post.

God Bless,

JL

Hi NCW,

i was thinking about you and rap today. wondering how you are doing. i would like to hear an update if you care to share.

as for me and this thread.... i must admit, i can sound so upbeat and positive at times but then i wonder if i am for real. i'm not sure if you knew what i meant when i referred to Pep's comment. i didn't really make that very clear.

it seems like one second i can be brave and determined and completely full of it because there are other times that i am not thinking at all like i was when i wrote the original post. and it is frustrating and confusing.

i am guessing that this may not be making any sense to anyone...

hi JL, so much for this to be a joy to read

FL,

More than you seem to realize. Let me ask you something. Could you have written this post a month ago, two months ago, last year? I don't think so. The fact that your feelings change, does not mean that you are not growing in confidence and ability. You most certainly are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nah, Nah, I am still proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

trying to make me laugh will get you no where!!!

ok, but you did make me laugh with your "nah, nah" comment.

so lets say i grown in confidence, lets even stretch it all the way and say i have matured and learned a lot. finally lets agree that i have indeed healed a lot of my old wounds.

i'm still back to somewhat of a square one. i know it is not the same square one cuz i am not the same person. but i'm back to having a H who does not want to be emotionally close to me. and this time he feels justified.

even while i type this i know it's probably not fair of me to say what i am saying. cuz even right now, even while i am feeling discouraged, i do know there are good signs to be seen. but, i don't know, i don't know how to explain it... how can i ask for help when i cannot even explain it?

Ball is in RAPs court.

She won't stop seeing OM#2. I am dark. She called today and as soon as I heard her voice (she wanted to know something) I told her I would not talk AT ALL while there was contact with OM#2.

She doesn't think I can forgive. I feel I demonstrated I could with first affair.

She doesn't think I can be happy married to her. That essentially depends on the wife SHE is willing to be. I am now "Wild at Heart" and not moving any boundaries I so easily conceded in the past.

Frankly, she doesn't want to be like you. No desire to make me feel like I am more important to her than her. No desire to show me a servant's heart. All of which I would gladly do for her given the chance.

I just don't think it is in her.

She needs to show me this before I can trust her again. She needs to make a statement to me.

She is afraid all I will be is angry and hold it against her. Forever. It is an unwillingness to take a leap of faith, to have faith in me. Since I cannot guarantee (who could?) that I will be able to be what she wants/needs (which hasn't been really defined to me by her yet), it is not worth the risk.

And she has no appreciation for the risk I would be taking in accepting her back. Been burned twice now. Need to see something from her. Need to see that saving the marriage is worth it, no matter the cost. That's what she got from me the first time, that's what she threw away with the second affair.

A mountain of forgiveness. With some admitted slip ups. Never claimed to be perfect. Never demanded it from her. Only wanted her fidelity and affection. Got neither.

Read Mortarman's post on what a husband is to be. Can't claim to be there yet, can claim to be close. Can claim to have done better and better at it as the years went by. Mortarman's picture was the model I have been striving for for some time. She doesn't seem to be able to suffer me any past mistakes.

I am speaking for her out of turn, as I don't know her mind. These are just what I surmise from things she has said.

Don't think she will realize what she has lost until she suffers some bad relationships. Have a feeling that relationship with OM#2 is turning sour. Don't want her back if it fails. What would that say? "OK honey, I guess I'll have to settle for you." No way. She needs to give it up for me.

Is that very forgiving? Depends on your definition of the word. I have forgiven her for the second affair, too. I can't hold it against her if she chooses that, I am not her boss or overlord. And I don't.

But I don't have to be her friend. And I don't have to support her. And I don't have to trust her. Pain was too much for that. She needs to own up to her mistake. Been saying lots of things like an affair is just a mistake. Just like anything else.

It isn't. There is degree to transgressions. Spiritual forgiveness has the same path regardless of the transgression thanks to the Good News. So the mechanics of God's forgiveness is the same. But there is a severly damaged marriage that needs effort on BOTH sides. But it was MY trust that was broken. Not too much to ask for her to go first and understand that, I think.

If she can't, that's fine. I have learned that my happiness comes from me. And I can sleep at night with my choices in this.

Long update, huh?

Short answer is that I'm done and taking the legal steps to be legally done. Her window of opportunity is closing fast, I have a life to live.

NCWalker

FL, I struggle with this sense of "movement" with my own issues, as well. I have come to realize that I do not move in a straight line. There might "theoretically" be a "shortest distance" to get where I want to go. But is it the BEST distance?

If you look at what you are doing as the journey that it is, instead of a destination (which it is not! Only resting places, no staying places), then you are truly doing it! You are not where you were, so you are indeed moving. And since you see many of your mile-markers as positive ones, I have to think you are moving in the direction you want to be going in (the general direction, since there are no straight lines in the journey).

I struggle with 1)my vigilance to make sure I am not stagnating, and 2)giving myself credit and praise for how far I have come.

One of the great things about you posting here, is that it serves as a big, huge journal. You can actually SEE the differences in yourself, your thoughts, feelings, beliefs. Keep posting, keep checking in with yourself, and let yourself enjoy your success. You have earned it! You have worked VERY hard. Looking at myself, has been harder than rebuilding my M. Well, I guess they go together, but maybe I mean that seeing and accepting my half of the M, has been the hardest part of Recovery for me.

Ourselves are so good at hiding what we don't want to see! But when we do, it is so POWERFUL. Keep on keeping on, FL!

Spidey

i guess i cannot say your update surprises me, although it does sadden me. i have not called rap for quite a while. i didn't think i was really having any impact on her. she always told me she was glad i was calling her but the fact remains, she has my number too but i am not sure she ever initiated a call. i guess i needed to distance myself from her too. not that i would not accept a call from her if she wanted help. i would in an instance. i have just stopped being the initiator.

reading your update impacted me in another way too. here i am expecting the worse from my H, that he will never really let the marriage heal, that he will keep us exactly where we are right now. mostly fine on the surface, but never truely intimate with each other. because the marriage does look so much like what our marriage was before.

although there is an important difference, the impact on me is not the same. i'm not feeling desperate for love like i used to. which is certainly a good thing. but that does not mean i don't long for us to be closer.

i guess the point is, i doubt he will ever look at me and think some of the things i have heard other BH say about their wives after recovery. like how RIF talks about Mrs. RIF and RH talks about NOW.

but if i let myself think about that then i am not having faith in him. but it is so hard. he distanced himself from me for such a long time before.

ugh!!! i feel like i'm going in circles in my head.

Hi Spidey,

ya know, i remember when you took on that new name of spider slayer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i have often thought about writing about my experience with MB via putting together a compilation of posts. it would be very long, but i do think it might be theoraputic for me. i actually started it, but i abondoned the project. i figure if i did do this i would want my H to read it and i am fearful that 1) he will not have any interest in reading it or 2) he will have interest in reading it!!

i have also had this thought of writing him a lengthy letter filled with as complete honesty about myself in an attempt to fill him in on. part of it might be hard for him to read but it would be a love letter at the core of it. and it would be an invitation to become closer. and the plan would be to wrap up SAA with the letter in an envelope on top of the wrapped up book. and again i fear two things 1) that he will not have any interest in accepting my invitaion or 2) he does accept my invitation. and once again, i even started this note, but i have abandoned it too.

seem simple now, i believe there is part of me that is holding myself back.

If only words could tell you how much I relate to EXACTLY what you typed - it is exactly how I am feeling right now too. (((HUGS)))

hugs back to you too DS.

I appreciate your post to me yesterday.

Yes, I'm "truly seeking understanding of what inside of me caused my response".

LEARNIN' AND GROWIN'

All of this hits so close to home.
I don't have answers just doubts and remorse and regrets.
Sometimes it feels I move two steps forward and one back

Hang in there AW ((HUGS))

Thanks DS I appreciate that.

I think its so hard because Aussie is deployed and we have no contact. And it looks like he'll miss the birth of our baby as well. The war sucks.