GDP, The man I'm dating reminds me of you in the way he feels about himself and he, too, was hung up on someone who didn't reciprocate his feelings when we started dating. It was okay with me, since I wasn't really "ready" to start dating anyway, but after such an abusive relationship as my M was, it was a comfort to spend time with a man who was nice to me, trustworthy, and at the time, one who wasn't interested in getting too emotionally involved too quickly. I felt kind of guilty about that, too, but our friendship has grown steadily.

I guess it seems okay to me for you to date with friendship in mind, for now. It might help you get over your unrequited love, which would probably be a good thing. And, who knows, you might develop a nice friendship that could grow into something more...

I had an interesting experience not long after my ex left. I was still interested in trying to salvage our marriage at the time.

One weekend I went out with a friend to a music festival in the town in which I live. She knew members of some of the bands, and she knew the people sponsoring the event. We wound up "backstage" (a couple of chairs, a sofa and a small fridge with sodas) hanging out with a couple of members of one of the bands. These were local bands - no big names of any kind. After a while, it was just me, my friend and one of the members of one of the bands. She was a little - ok, a lot - drunk and wanted to pick this guy up in the worst way. She was flirting with him. I was just talking to him - about music mostly. She manipulated me into going along with this plan where she would enlist his aid in driving her car home for her so she could get him to stay ...

Well, her plan didn't work. He drove her home and let her know he wasn't interested. I drove him from her house back to where he had left his vehicle. On the way back, he invited me to his home. Something made me ask him if he was married - and he said yes he was, but his wife was out of town. I was going to politely refuse anyway, because I was not interested, but that clinched it for me. I told him that I wasn't interested. It was going through my head that something I did or said made this guy think I was interested in him. It bugged me so much that I finally asked him point blank what it was I had said or done to make him think I would be interested - because I didn't want to mislead anyone else. He told me it was because I TALKED to him. He thought I was interested because I had TALKED to him... That, to him, was flirting and attractive. He was silent for a little while, and then told me that I was an attractive woman and that some man would be lucky to have me someday.

Too bad things aren't that easy.
And too bad that conversation doesn't always win men over! I'm GOOD at that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

T

Hey terri,

Just wandering in to say "congratulations" to the new board. I have no dating advice whatsoever... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, LetSTry, I very much appreciate your offering your point of view. I have adopted pretty much the same position, and your words are encouraging to me. Where I still balk is at something like the eHarmony thing, which is specifically being marketed as a matching-for-marriage service. I don't think I'm sufficiently baggage-free to make use of that.

GDP - at some point in life, we all have either baggage or issues, don't you think?

Too true, but some baggage can fit under the seat in front of you, some has to go in the overhead compartment, and some can only be checked. <insert "inscrutable look" smiley here, in hopes that it will convey the impression that this pronouncement actually means something>

The good thing about checking baggage is it sometimes gets lost in transit!

On a more serious note, I think this is an obstacle we all have to overcome. It's a tough question - "am I damaged goods?... If so, can I file a claim for reimbursement?"

If not.,.. what next? We can't afford to isolate ourselves from other people and still be human. No answers, just questions...

I think if we waited until we were confident we were able to handle anything and everything well, we could just forget about a relationship ever.

I grew up in a seriously functional home. From the standpoint of establishing my identity and self-esteem, it's hard to imagine it providing a more solid foundation. And yet, I was not prepared to marry into a dysfunctional family. It made me realize that no matter what advantages you have, until you have actually been tested under a particular form of adversity, you do not know how you will handle it. For some situations, coming out of the crucible of a dysfunctional home may actually prove to be better preparation than a "perfect upbringing."

After all, on a trip, some baggage is mighty convenient. It's only when you've got a bunch of extra junk you don't really need that it becomes too much of a burden.

It took me about a year to actually date. I don't know if you call it dating, but I would hang out with friends. TO I want my wife back: I felt guilty at first I really did. I was 28 left my XH when my son was two. I felt guilty for that to begin with becuase I felt like I was letting my son down. But it hit me that I didn't when my son wasns't scared anymore and was comfortable and loving and just plain happy. I never got babysitter's to go out thou. I only enjoyed myself when son went to EXH house. SO that equals maybe two times a month. Everyone is different. And I understand when you say intro to the kids with ow. I didn't do that till I was dating them at least a 6 months (funny I did that and then found out EXB was cheating on me) should of been red flag when he didnt want to meet my son. No my son is not ugly or scary but I trust my son's instincts when it comes to people. GO FIGURE