Hey Grape:

He's using the computer purchase as a rationalization/justification to himself. It will stop working for him eventually.

Keep moving forward to PLAN B. It sounds like from your mindset you will be well-prepared.

All righty. WH stopped by tonight to install our new computer. He offered and I accepted. Actually, the computer came in Monday and I wouldn't let him set it up until the kids' school work for the end of the year was done. This was the first time anybody has seen WH for over a month.

It was okay. I felt strong. Being with WH is like being with someone who has either had a lobotomy, severe stroke or on serious meds. It's like being with a cartoon character. Shallow, 2 dimensional. Does that make sense? Like he's not all there and only functioning at a "powered down" level. He ate some dinner, did his task (quite well, I might add), talked little and left.

DD spoke a few terse words to him. I don't think he noticed the silence. She sat on the floor, 10 feet away from him, and made a Father's Day card for her grandfather. It's a clever, colorful work of art. Her father didn't comment. Apparently, DD has already made a Father's Day card at school for her dad. I haven't seen it but she said it says something like "World's worst dad".

DS was desperate to be noticed by his dad. WH did compliment DS on the work he'd done on our deck. Unfortunately, he didn't notice the other, quite major, things DS has been doing around the house. While WH dealt with the new computer, DS also sat on the floor, next to his sister, finishing up a poster for his final Physic project. DS and his project partners had dismantled a stereo speaker. WH is an engineer, a music fan and avid consumer of electronics. He did not even look at the poster.

DS kept fishing his dad. I could see him baiting his hook and whipping out the line. He kept casting out into the deep, turbid waters of WH. He never got a bite. DS would change the bait and cast again. Not a nibble. DS said, he didn't really understand the speaker thing...meaning: come on Dad, explain it to me. No answer. DS asked me, loudly and in front of his dad, what time is the senior night assembly tomorrow? No comment from WH. I cast out my line, DS, do you still want a carrot cake for your party? No comment from WH. No, What time is the party? or Is it for the dinner after graduation or the open house? Nothing about the copy of the invitation clipped to the calendar. About that time, DS just stopped talking. I could see he wanted his dad to ask about his awards but there was nothing. DS knows that WH was emailed and has acknowledged reading the schedule of graduation events. The kid was quite persistent but had an empty bucket.

As for me, the dinner I cooked was merely fuel. WH took his dishes into the kitchen but couldn't get them into the dishwasher. No comment and I don't remember a thank you. He brought his own beer but shared it. The only rise I got was when I transfered the "OW sucks" sticker I had on the old computer to the new monitor. WH tried to remove it because it would "cover" the screen. I just moved it to the bottom and told him that it was a reality. He did say that perhaps he would go to the new Star Wars with us on Monday. Somehow, I think it's just talk.

He walked out the door at 10 after 10. I told him that he had to leave by 10 because the kids wouldn't go to bed until he left. (Of course, his project arrival time had slipped from 6 to 8 pm) Of course, they were still awake. WH didn't even comment that it was school night. DD refused to say good night. DS curtly said good bye. No hugs, no kisses.

Before he got in his car, I gave him a copy of His Needs/Her Needs as suggested by SH. I put a note on an envelop in the book that said the same thing I told him as I handed the book to him: That I was struggling to understand what happened to our marriage. Could he, please read the first few chapters. I would appreciate his comments as I needed some closure. By next week. These were pretty much the words given to me by Steve. WH took the book and said he's read it. Words are cheap.

Well, tomorrow I've got to get all the food for graduation, including that carrot cake. The most daunting task will be tidying/organizing/maybe covering with a sheet, my craft supply corner. It's heck being a creative person.

You're a wonderful writer!

I continue to think that the computer is his deluded justification for his poor parenting. He's saying to himself: "At least I purchased and installed a computer for them.... YUK!!

He also is probably saying to himself "HIS NEEDS/NER NEEDS doesn't apply to me". That's what my H said. That will be telling info. to Steve.

It will be great, though, if you get him to talk with Steve at least once. My FWH spoke with him twice and the information that provided was invaluable.

Boy, oh boy, am I understanding a few things about Plan B. Just one visit from WH has put my guidance system completely out of control. I only have time today for a mini-pity party.

Last night was Senior Night at the high school. This is like the light-hearted part of the graduation ceremony. There are speakers, singers, the band. All the seniors in the orchestra, mostly strings and a flute, played an original arrangement of "Our House" (Is a very, very, very fine house...) Multi-tissue evening. The climax is a long slideshow of a baby picture followed by the senior picture. It's amazing that some kids looked the same at 2 as they do at 18. Such an honor when the kids turn around and are presented as the Class of 2005.

Of course, WH wasn't there. All the parents of DS's friends that we've met over the last 7 years were. Amazing how nobody has missed WH. This time, DS didn't even ask if his dad had been there.

I have a zillion things to do today. My house is still in upheaval. I hate cleaning at the best of times. The gardens look pretty nice and I'm hoping everything can be held outside. This is a time when I feel really alone. There's no DH to run out for BBQ propane or to do those last little things that need to be done. Nobody to ask to take out the recycling or get the chairs organized. DS is wonderful but he needs time to enjoy what's going on, too. We will be the house of imperfection.

Everybody, send a few prayers and thoughts my way, if you have the time. Between having contact with WH, graduation, and preparing for all the parties, I am a wreck. I'm not even going to wear mascara tomorrow. I am so proud of my son. Athlete, scholar, musican and general all-around good person. He's not making speeches tomorrow but he is my hero. Thanks for your support.

I just want to say that it breaks my heart for your son that his father wasn't there for Senior Night.

HOW AWFUL!!


What a testimony !

Congratulations....

Sounds to me like you should be very proud of yourself, too. You've obviously done a fantastic job with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have fun.

Hey, my SS is having his university commencement, graduating with honors.

The bad news: WH won't be there. The good news: WH won't be there.

Hi grapegirl,

Sounds like SH gave you some great advice. I will post my update later about my counselling experience.

I am sorry, so much for you kids, that WH is like this. I don't GET IT. And I don't get people who don't get it about their kids!! I mean, really, what else are we going to leave behind, as a testimony - most of us. And these are PEOPLE that we are molding with EVERYTHING we do and don't do. WTF?

Sorry, rant. Really my H tries, just doesn't relate well. I guess I should be glad he tries. Your WH sounds like a real piece of work. Has he always been this removed and this far gone?

jls

You CAN do this grapegirl!

Blessings to your family.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Grapegirl,
Enjoy this time with your family. Don't let WH tarnish one bit of it. Its HIS loss. Make sure there are plenty of pictures so when the fog lifts he can see what he missed. It sounds like you've done a great job raising your kids, you be the proud Momma! Who cares if the house isn't perfect, houses are made to be lived in! Enjoy!!! Let us know how it goes.
You'll be in my prayers

It's really early here but at least the sun is coming up. Graduation day! Those darn dogs got into something that made them NEED to go out. I can tell it's going to be a bee-u-t-ful day!

Last night was a busy time with DS, DD and I scurrying around trying to get everything ready. Saturday is just us, the grandparents and probably WH here. We're having a BBQ lunch on the deck after the ceremony. Sunday is our open house for friends, family and neighbors. It's not just graduates. I wanted everybody to have some friends. I invited my hula sisters and DD's school buddies. DS wants things to look nice. He's done so much...as he says, more than his father ever did. He worked like a maniac until after 11.

Yesterday, around 4:30, WH called. Apparently, he can make graduation but can't make the family breakfast ahead of time. Why? Because he has an early meeting that he has to be at. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm sure he heard the tone of my voice. He wanted to come over and finish setting up the new computer last night after work. He wasn't pleased when I told him NO. Even though that is the last messy spot in the house, I couldn't bear to have him in the house. I said I had too much to do. He can work on it later.

When I spoke with SH, he told me, my job this weekend was to protect my kids. If I understand what he said correctly, SH also said to confront WH on things that hurt the kids in a matter-of-fact, non-confrontative way. So, I sent WH a TM after his call. I asked him to think about the message he is sending about his priorities and how they might be skewed. Come on, in 30 years, is anybody going to remember if WH attended some stupid meeting on a Saturday morning? Assuming that he actually is going to work. We'll all remember just how little WH has been here. I didn't even tell DS about his dad. He's disgusted enough as it is. His dad keeps adding straws and someday the camel's back will break.

GG,
How about an update? I hope all is well.

Am I tired! It was a long, hard weekend. Here's the graduation story:

Saturday here was gorgeous. It kicked off with family continental breakfast at the school. WH had called the night before to say he had a morning meeting he had to attended instead of breakfast. Yet another poor decision. DS, DD and I had breakfast and staked out a spot on the hill above the football field. Our graduations here are al fresco and informal. Of course, the really over-achieving parents had come the night before to set up shade canopies at the top of the hill. My mom, my Inlaws, DD, and I sat at the 50 yard line, surrounded by other families. Yes, WH did make it and sat with us.

The ceremony had suitable pomp and circumstance. The band was on-key. The valadictorians managed to make it through. A big hawk did a fly-by. The facility speaker, a professional writer turned English teacher, gave a brilliant and humorous speech. Diplomas were given. Tassels turned. Pictures taken. Sunburn rampant. I managed not to need the water-proof mascara that I wore. I was too proud and happy.

Then we retired to my house for BBQ and beer. DS and I had been working frantically on a flagstone path in the yard for the past week. At 11:30 the night before, DS finished it all up. I was up at 5, to complete the vaccuuming and final touches. The luncheon on the deck was lovely. The food was good. Conversation nice. WH was almost human. Deep denial but okay. Before his parents left, he was really angry at me because I pointed out that our lawn looked bad because the person who usually took care of it and knew the idosyncracies of the sprinkler system was not here to do it. It was a truth that he didn't want to face. WH likes it to seem like he can just slip in, life is normal and then he slips away. After his parents left, WH retreated to the new computer to "check the file transfer" and refused to go to any graduation parties with us. So, my 87-year old party animal mom, DD, DS (in his car) and I hit some parties. We aren't invited to the gucci parties. We go to the ones with homemade tamales and mango salsa. On the way home, I decided I probably needed more food and drink for our open house. Of course, WH was long gone when we got back.

Sunday was overcast and cool. I mobilized the household into party-mode. We put the final touches on the house and organized the food: burgers, brats, satay chicken, and more fixin's than you'd ever need. We set tables and chairs up in the yard. DS and I moved our foosball table from the basement into the front room. DS made a "shrine" of all the awards, certificates, pictures, plaques, football helmet and wrestling shoes that defined his year. Just as the first guests began to arrive, it started to spit rain. Bummer! WH finally showed up an hour after he promised. Fortunately, grandpa had taken over the BBQ duties. Eventually, the rain came down harder and the whole party moved inside. At one point, there were at least 40 people in the house. The kids congregated by the foosball table and the adults in the family room, kitchen and food area. It was a lot of fun. At 6, we started cleaning up everything. Between my mom and my inlaws, everything got scrubbed and put away. Mom stayed another night. My inlaws left about 7. WH followed them by minutes.

A strange thing happened after that. About an hour later, WH called. He wanted to congratulate me for putting on such a wonderful party. He complimented me on how well it went and how nice the house and garden looked. He apologized for being late. On Monday, WH went to see the new Stars Wars with us and had a supper of leftovers. He seemed to have a good time. DD was talking to him a little bit by the end of the evening. I didn't do any love busting. When he left, with a hug and a kiss, (no goodbyes from the kids though), I asked him to call more often. Something is going on there. I simply told him that he needs to "earn" his way back into this household.

That's my wonderful but tiring weekend. Gotta go. It's the last day of school for DD. I've got to drive kids to the swimming pool. After that, it's our annual last day of school party for the neighborhood moms. We always get together on the first and last day of school for vodka slushes, strawberry granitias, snacks and as much talking as we can fit in before the bus comes.

Great PLAN A stuff...

Your life sounds wonderful all except for your WH!

Do you sometimes think that maybe he doesn't know how to fit in? Read this as a compliment to you. You seem so sociable and extroverted. I personally admire that. I probably would be overwhelmed and anxious about having 40 people in my house. Your WH seems to be the opposite than you, more like me. He seems more comfortable with solitary activities, like an introvert..installing the computer, for example.

Just wondering....

LOL, Mimi! I am a complete and total Gemini. I have my outgoing side and my reclusive side. Actually, I think I was taught to be reclusive by my family. With my dad, our best lifeskill was learning to fly below the radar.

WH spent most of the party flitting around the edges. He really isn't good at talking to other people. I've always liked having people over but he never encouraged it. He is definitely an engineer, a loner and an introvert. I have noticed that when we've been in Singapore, where the whole sorry affair started during the one time I wasn't with him, he acts very differently. Bolsterious, loud and outgoing. Makes the same stupid jokes with every semi-English speaking server. I privately called it Ugly American mode. That's probably the side the OW saw.

I think he was surprised by how well the party went. He could feel the love and comraderie from the people who came. But he was mostly on the outside, looking in. There were several people who wouldn't talk to him. WH dealt in superficial things. He was very good at taking out the garbage.

Lately, I've been telling more people about WH and our life situation. I don't really bring it up but decided not to lie when people asked where he was. My friends have been so supportive. One of my darling Girl Scout moms has a line on a job for me in September. That makes me feel very positive.