I dont have a real plan just sort of trying to fix it myself and i cant do that only GOD can. You are right I have been needy and clingy and it hurts that she only wants to be just friends. What plan do you suggest? She keeps asking me have I talked to my lawyer and I make up some excuse as to why I have not.

Its been since April 5th since the affair was revealed.

She sometimes acts as though she is happy as a lark and sometimes she seems really stressed.

I need some sort of plan to go on

I know I ask so many questions and yall must think that I am crazy but what does she really mean when she says she wants us to be only friends?

And what does she mean when she refers to the divorce as wanting to end this chapter of her life, she wants the divorce to be over with

.

First remember you can only control yourself not her. So start making changes in your life. It couldn't hurt for you to speak to your lawyer so you know your rights and make sure you are protected. Write down steps you think you need to do to save you M. Start by writing down what you did wrong and then come up with ways to fix those areas. Write down what you want to do to become a better person and how you plan on doing it. Come up with personal goals for yourself. It's so easy to just drift through this process without a plan. Have you studied what Plan A is? IF not, go back and read about it.



God gives us the tools to fix our lives but it is up to us to follow through. Do you go to church? Can you go speak to the Pastor and get some guidance? Are you in counseling? If not, I would highly recommend it. I did that for several months this summer and it really helped. Most insurance plans will cover it. Keeping a journal really helped me get out a lot of the pain so I didn't project it back to my H.

This is a long process, you will not fix your M overnight. Take it baby steps at a time.

OK Gaboy...wanna jump in here real quick.

I agree...God will be the one to heal your marriage, and trusting in God is THE most important thing you can do. BUT...God doesn't expect us to just sit on our thumbs and do nothing, expecting him to do everything. God gives us the tools and things we need so that WE fulfill His plans for us.

You absolutely need to slow down, and read through all the basic info on this site. You need to stop RE-acting, and start PLANNING and ACTING.

I've been where you're at now. I KNOW how hard that is. But, you CAN do it. You HAVE TO, if you really and truly want to do something to save your marriage.

So, here's what you need to do.

1. Start praying for GOD's plan in this...ask that whatever happen here be what He wants to happen...not what you want, but what He wants.

2. Read the material on this site. See about getting a copy of the books that you've seen people here suggest.

3. Look at what YOU need to change in your relationship with your wife. See what needs she had that you didn't fulfill, and find ways to start meeting those. Let her see the changes you're making in YOURSELF first.

4. Get a PLAN.

5. Go see a doctor about anti-depressants if you're not able to cope.

6. Get yourself into individual counseling to help YOURSELF deal with things.

Hang in there friend.

Yeah I just ordered surving an affair a few minutes ago, do you think that she really wants out or is this her way of something else

Gaboy-

STOP worrying about what she's thinking at this point!!! She ISN'T thinking...that's the whole source of the problem right now!

She is NOT able to think like any normal, rational person. She DOESN'T KNOW what she wants...trust me on this!

Quit worrying about what she's thinking/planning. Start worrying about YOUR plan/thoughts.

GABOY,

I couldn't agree with Owl more.....

Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking, you'll go nuts bud.

Right now this is about you!

You need to work on you and start practicing a little detachment with the WW.

If you don't seperate your once loving wife from your WW in your mind soon, you will not be capable of fixing this thing. You will start harboring bitterness in your heart but it isn't the WW you want back remember? You aren't trying to win back the WW, you are trying to win back the woman you married. What you see right now isn't that person so quit trying to figure her out, why bother?

She is an alien speaking a language you do not, yet you are still trying to translate it into english?

Would you hire yourself out as a Chinese translator? No you wouldn't because you don't speak the language therefore you would screw it all up right?

You are doing the same thing with your WW, you don't speak it's language therefore you are screwing it all up.

Make sense?

Stop it and focus on you!

Good Luck bud...you have to get a handle on these emotions or they are going to mess up any chance you have at a recovery.

RebornMan

My, my, my. One thing about living PDT is that, by the time you go on your computer in the morning, there are all these posts stacked up from you Easterners.



Go rent "The Philadelphia Story" (1939) Watch it.



Did you read Ark's Plan A -- as someone linked to you above?

Gaboy, you don't give any indication of having read anything about the MB principles. You seem to be in a tailspin of asking for help and then not being able to take it. Slow down. Read about Plan A. Follow some of the excellent advice your getting. Talk to us about Plan A instead of impulsively picking up the phone to talk to her.

Is there different versions of Plan A?

How can I do plan A when i am not living with her?

By not nagging or pleading. By not phoning her if it annoys her. By showing her that YOU can change whatever may have been an underlying dissatisfaction in the M.

You really should see "The Philadelphia Story." It really does carry the message.

GABOY-

I agree with what AA posted above...and start looking at what YOU have done wrong in your M, and for yourself, and start taking steps to fix THOSE issues. She'll see those changes...and that can make a big difference. If nothing else, it will make YOU feel better...and when you start feeling better, and more confidant, you'll be amazed at how that can impact HER.

Again, start working on making YOURSELF better...stop worrying about what SHE is thinking or doing at this point...and try to learn as much as you can about MB, infidelity, etc... Knowledge is ammunition in this war!

I told and ask her about the things that happened in our marriage that made her feel unhappy, she said that it didnt matter that she still wanted a divorce and she was not interested in getting back together with nobody including me.

I wonder if I should have our house phone calls court ordered to see if she is still talking to him

Don't worry about that right now. Worry about Plan A. I wouldn't grill her either -- that seems to annoy her, and make her reiterate plans for D.

Gaboy,
You have too much information in your head and you are thinking and trying to do to many things at the same time. What you need to do is simplify the matter in your own mind and begin to approach your WW in a way that will SHOW her or IMPACT her. Don’t try to tell her anything at present.

Telling her anything at this point is useless. She is to confused and so are you. That means that one of you needs to take control…but you must understand what control means in this situation.

Control in this situation means that you have to be in control of yourself. In doing this, you will create for her a stabilizing presence. A place that will provide her with security.

Look, right now, she doesn’t need any more questions in her life and she isn’t going to be able to deal with your hurt and pain. What she most would value is you becoming an island of calm in her life. So the question is how do you do this?

First you stop communicating “needy” to her! You stop asking her questions and you stop trying to win her back in an obvious fashion. Instead, you learn to listen! Get it? Just listen! Say as little as possible and don’t allow anything she may say to influence the way you act. In doing this you begin to take control of the situation. More important you provide her with a safe secure haven. Next, you ask her no questions and initiate NO relationship discussions about the marriage or your future together.

What you do is tell her that it’s nice to see her and act pleasant yet detached. Don’t play the injured party and do not try to convince her to come back and work on the marriage. Do not in fact try to convince her of anything. Just be there to listen and be her friend. Do not offer advice and do not try to help her solve any problems she may bring up. Most important, don’t debate any thing with her. If she says that divorce is her action of choice right now, just listen and don’t dispute it with her. Instead simply say that you don’t see divorce as a solution to anything right now FOR YOU! Not for HER but for YOU, and leave it at that.

Then try to do things with her that are non-relationship oriented. Have lunch, go to a movie, go out for a drink…treat her like a lady that you just met on a blind date. Keep it light. If you do these simple things she will respond to you. She will enjoy being with you! More important she may come back to you looking for more of the same! Right now she is longing for “uncomplicated” so for the present that’s who you have to be. Mr. Uncomplicated.

Gaboy, if you do nothing else but just keep your mouth shut and listen to her, showing interest and making no comment or getting into any disagreement with her, you will be a light-year ahead of where you are right now. You will have established a new beginning.

Coach

Excellent advice, coach. And just what Cary Grant does in "Philadelphia Story"!

Man that is exactly what I am doing turning her away, no matter how many times I talk to her I try to council her about our relationship and make her promise me something.

Any other thing I need to do, I have been calling her 2 to 5 times a day and when she doesnt answer it makes me boiling mad

Also how can I slow the divorce process down since she is dead set on this so I can apply these principles to her. Gosh I have wasted so much time drilling her head and begging and pleading

Talked to the wife tonight, actually she called me and told me the results of her daddy. He has prostate cancer and I was concerned about him. She brought up if I talked to my lawyer about the paperwork that her lawyer sent. I told her good night and said she might call me tomorrow. How do I reply to her when she mentions the D?

Cary Grant!? I can do Cary Grant! By why would I want to...he's dead! LOL (A little black humor! Sorry)

But seriously Gaboy, you just really need to back off and hear what she's saying by understanding what she's doing!

If she isn't answering you telephone calls then she is sending you a real clear message...I don't want to speak with you right now! So why would you ignore her and keep calling...unless you want to tell her that as far as you're concerned, what you want is more important to you then what she wants?

And if she's telling you that the only alternative in her life, that she sees at the moment is divorce...why would you argue with her over her perception of what she currently believes is best for herself? Of course it isn't what YOU want but learning to be with some one is learning that it isn't always about YOU and what you may want!

Look, my point is that changing a person's point of view to bring it closer to what your own is, in this kind of situation, is not a matter of winning a verbal argument...

what will win the day is showing her someone she wants to be with instead of not be with...and learning to be a good listener is often the first step in creating this perception in another’s mind.

work at it! no pouting and no anger...just listening and accepting for a while.

coach

So should I give her the divorce if that is what she wants or what? By backing off means not calling and chasing her right? So what do I do when she wants to talk to me about the divorce?