My wife had an affair and said she wasnt happy and wanted a divorce. From what I have heard the affair is over, we are currently separated and now we agreed to talk on the phone and try to do something next weekend. She says there might still be a spark between us, she just wants to see for sure.

She still speaks of getting a divorce. She found out recently her father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and she has yet to find another job. I told her that I wanted to come see me, but she said she was not ready for that yet, sort of like she cant face me. Any suggestions?

She has also been calling a friend of mine that is a male that I talk to to see what I am thinking or doing.

Should I just talk on the phone this week or go and show up to the house

Come on please answer

GABOY, I don't see what it would hurt to do something with her.

But should I wait for her to make the decision to see me or just catch her off guard and show up?

It seems fairly likely that, at some point soon, you are going to get together. Without any further information from her, it sounds like your best tactic is "Plan A."

I would read up about Plan A, how to avoid Love Busting, and so on.

I wouldn't count on her being out of the fog -- be prepared for a lot of weird double-talk that might anger or upset you. But it sounds like she might be calming down a bit. Time for you to start getting your bearings.

PS. In my personal opinion, "surprising" her is likely to tick her off. Sounds like she's coming around in her own time.

GABOY,

I am with AMM. If you just show up she'll feel smothered and take two steps back. Let her lead the way. Don't chase after her.

~ Snow

Another thought: Have you given some thought to what in your relationship might have created the climate for the affair?

How can you show her you are different now?

Is Melody right? Did she walk all over you and control you with her tantrums? If so, how are you going to (politely, kindly) show her the rules are different now?

I left a message on her machine and told her I was coming down and if she wasnt ready to see me to call me and let me know, she called and said it was fine for me to come. I ask her if it was alright if we talked and she agreed. She said at this point in her life she just wanted to get this chapter over in her life get a divorce and try to be friends and see where it leads from there. I told her if we try to be just friends it would only keep hope in my heart.

She is dealing with finding a job, her dad has prostate cancer and we are trying to sell the house. I am at my wits end, I dont wont to be just friends but I guess I have to take it step by step. She said we could always remarry if it came down to that, its like she is treating our marriage as a broken toy and it is alright to get another one. She never threw temper tantrums until the affair was revealed. She wants to only talk on the phone a few times a week and as far as I know she has no contact with the other guy, I talked to his mother in law and he and his wife are working things out, but nothing surprises me anymore.

Should I continue with the divorce and keep pursuing her or what?

If you do not want a D then you should not participate in getting one. Plan A is not about being a door mat. You need to tell her that you do not want a D, you want to work on the M. Yes, the M is broke but it can be fixed and better then before. Stress that you do not want the old M back, you want a better, stronger M. Have you determined what you did wrong in the M? What steps have you taken to correct that? You also need to make it clear to her that you do not want to be her friend, you want to be her H. After the D, you will not be her friend and see where it goes. You need to put your boundaries in place.

But everytime I do mention that I want to save our marriage she says she does not and when I talk to her on the phone she sounds so stressed out and sorta whiny. What do you do when one wants save the marriage and one does not?

Very few WS's want to work on the M. That is why the MB plan is so successful. It does not depend on both parties being involved in the beginning. My FWH didn't want to work on our R and we are now 5 months into recovery and have a better M then ever before.

If she knows your intentions, i.e. don't want a D, want to work on R, will not be friends after a D, then stop discussing that and focus on Plan A. Remind her of the person she fell in love with. Go see her and be fun, no relationship talk. If she brings up wanting a D but still being friends, you can tell her that you don't want a D but would rather not discuss that right now. A couple of people have asked and I don't see an answer in this thread but, have you determined what was lacking in your R that opened the door for an A? This is a key part of Plan A. She isn't going to want to come back to the same M and you need to show her that you don't either. What are her top EN's and what are you doing to met them?

You need to get a plan together and act on it. The hardest part is not following your heart, but following your head. This isn't going to be easy but the results are worth it. The fact that she is still talking to you and wants to see you is very encouraging. You have a great opportunity to earn LB points.

I sort of know what I did to open the door for an affair, i did not participate in a lot of recreational activities with her, she said I did not listen to her attentively, I worried a lot about things, constantly brought the other guy that I suspected she had an affair with. I checked behind her and she knew it, but I had every intention to. I felt like something was going on but I could not prove it. I nagged her about wearing something sexy to bed and making love.

Her mom is bi polar and I think she has a touch of it, I also procrastinated doing things around the house. I worried about her losing her job and I know she sensed some sort of weakness in me and I felt insecure. She doesnt want to talk everyday maybe every other day or so. She is in the process of looking for a job and the ones she is looking into isnt even close to my work but I will make the sacrifice and drive is need be. She know I dont want a divorce but she says she wants this chapter out of her life, she says she doesnt want us to date anyone after the divorce but see how our friendship works out.

What do I do?

Have you read the material on this website? Have you read the Harley books? Do you know the MB principles? You never said.

SLOW DOWN GABOY! Take some deep breaths. You make me nervous just reading your posts. Are you sure you're not obsessive compulsive. If you want your wife back you need to lure her back. You didn't win her over the first time by begging and pleading for her love.

See Plan A. as described by ARK.

You need to be tough and ask her point blank what you haven't been doing for her. Listening attentively is the first thing.

Now my WW gave the same talk about divorce and starting over. That's probably a feeling trapped and guilty response. You tell her that getting a divorce is a lot of work and expensive... why don't we try dating now. Turn on the charm. Think Cary Grant.

You can do it. BTW don't count on the affair being over yet. Prepare to be surprised.

This is just starting.

I have tried to get her to do some fun things, but it's like when I do ask her she says she is not ready yet. I really think that the affair is over from what I can tell I talked to this guys mother in law and she said the he and his wife were still going to counceling and church. Also when I talk to my wife about us being friends I tend to question her about exactly what she wants and I know I should not do that.

I constantly want to pick up the phone and call her and i seem to be nagging her and it increases her stress level. T

Why does she only want to be friends at this moment?

Why does she not want us to date anyone after the divorce and work on us?

Sorry guys I feel so obsessed and overwhelmed

Because she is having an A and is very messed up. Stop trying to make sense out of this right now. It won't make sense, your WW is not herself.

Right now you need to take a step back and detach. Stop calling her so much, stop asking her to do stuff all the time. Right now you are overwhelming her. Relax and start slow. Does she have an e-mail address? If so that's a great way to communicate, send her a quick note about something she needs to know about the house or something and maybe end it with Have a Great Day! No relationship talk at all, NONE! No being needy and clingy. Make her wonder why you have changed. She is following the WS script, acting like they all do. You have a great chance to win her back but you need a plan.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, get the book and read it. Spend this time to work on yourself, make youself a better person. What are you doing with your time? If your not doing anything that would explain why you are obsessing. Take up a hobby, sign up for a class, read, start exercising, learn to cook. You need to have something to occupy your time, you have to get out of the house in the evenings. Is there someplace you could volunteer? Lots of animal shelters need help walking dogs.

Right now you are reacting to every little thing she does and says. You need to be strong to get through this. Everything you are saying and going through, we have all been through and survived. It hurts, but it will get better. Especially if you have a plan and stick with it.

So what is YOUR plan? How do you plan on saving your M?