You keep asking questions as if you expect that there are logical answers.

Cheaters are not people who are acting in a logical way so trying to attribute logical motivation to their actions is just not possible.

You are longing for some kind of explanation for what's going on but there is none. This is one of those things in life where one simply has to accept as their current reality and deal with it.

In fact,I'm quite sure that your WW doesn't have any idea at the moment as to why she is acting in this fashion either...

Oh she would probably give you some tired old gobbly-[censored] if forced to do so but in reality she doesn't have a clue herself. She is just as totally confused as you are. That's why you can't treat this situation as a resonable problem...because the situation is not reasonable!

So why does she want to be friends? Because she doesn't know what she wants right now but what she does know is that she doesn't want to burn her bridges back to you either. She wants to keep you around until she decides what's best for her...HER! Get it? Not you, the marriage or the relationship...but for HER!

Your job is to SHOW her what is best for her...NOT TELL HER...but show her! Talking implies that what you say will be listend to and even understood but right now she is not capable of communicating with you on that level. So, you have to show her what it is that she is doing and what it means to her life.

That's why you detach yourself and take yourself away from her...so she can experience the loss. You going dark is a reality that she can't ignore. For her, you will now be gone! And that means she has to face up to the situation and to do so, she has come out of the fog.

That's the first step in getting her back. Getting her to face the reality of her situation. Up till now, you and having you as a fall back position is something that she never had to worry about. Well, the idea now is to give her a problem and get her to think about you rather then the confusion swirling around in her foggy little head.

Just go dark, stay dark and go on with your life as if you've decided that you've given up on her.

Go out with friends, find new interests, go to the gym and work out. Change the way you look; if your hair is long cut it short. If its short, let it grow long. Grow a beard or cut one off if you have one. Dress differenty...buy new cloths.

Start doing things that she and you NEVER did together. Go away for long weekends...go camping, go on a cruise, rent a motor cycle and take a cross country trip.

If you are heavy, loose weight, if you are thin, work out like a SOB and put on hard muscle. CHANGE youself. Become a mystery to her.

And by the way, if you think that she won't find out about the "new" you think again. There are always plenty of people that will be happy to gossip about you to her, LOL.

Just give it time. Let your lawyer do all the dirty work and you stay dark and unavailable to her. Do this and her focus will be on you like stink on sh#t! LOL. You may even become her new obsession! hehehe.

Please, just listen to your uncle coach. This is a nasty little game that I had to learn so that I could survive... and I may not be a lot of things but I am a survivor!

More later.
Coach

Did it work for you and others?

If by "works" you mean did it restore the marriage -- for some it does, for some it doesn't. For coach, it appeared to "work." It didn't for me -- on the other hand, I don't think there was a better course of action that I could have tried. It did allow me to get going with the rest of my life -- regardless of what he does. I have no regrets or "only ifs." And alas, I've come to see that I'm not losing much -- he's not much of a guy I'd want to hang around anymore.

You don't want to hear that right now, I know -- just like I didn't. The point of MB is not just the marriage -- it's YOU. By the time you've done Plan A/Plan B, etc., you will have done all YOU can for the marriage. You will have given it your best shot.

You have to accept that a lot of the decision-making is in the hands of a crazy wayward spouse. All you can do is improve the chances they'll see reason in time. You can't make them. Nobody can.

I can absolutely promise you that screaming, yelling, and throwing things will NOT help. Whining and pleading and begging won't work, either.

So what have you got to lose? You can go through this laughing and smiling (as best you can), or kicking and screaming -- but you will have to go through it, either way.

We're suggesting that you start having some fun for yourself (fun that does not involve dating, by the way). Do stuff you couldn't do when she was around -- golfing, sky-diving, going out for beer with the guys, whatever. Use this time to explore your own life. It's hard, but you can have some good times. And, by the way, that will make YOU more attractive to a WW who is spinning out of control and freaking out.

She text message me I did not respond, she told me that she wants the divorce and we dont see eye to eye on our relationship. She says she feels neautral. Dont really know what that means I guess she can take it or leave it. I should not even try to figure it out, but those with this experience can you relate to what she is saying?

To reiterate Coach, don't try to figure it out. She's talking gibberish. She's filing for divorce but feels "neutral"??? That's like saying you're committing an axe murder, but it's nothing personal.

Don't respond. There's nothing for you to say here.

Your W is babbling and you are trying to make sense out of nonsense.

Stop it. Spend your time on something constructive instead of destructive.

Don't give her any more ammo for her to use against you and your M.

L.

Do not respond to her in any way. As of now you are gone... not available to her for any reason.

Did you hire lawyer yet? If not you better get one fast. Then give the lawyer "power of attorney" and let him/her close on the sale of your house.

You be some place else, preferably far, far away.

If she sends divorce papers...they go right to your lawyer with instructions from you that he goes after her and fights her on every single term of the divorce. Tell him to fight her over everything! Periods, comas, everything! If she wants an easy out...to bad! Now it's time for her to work for anything and everything she says she wants...and if its a divorce that she wants...then let her break her back getting it.

As for you, you just take it easy and go on with your life...IN THE DARK! You just wait her out in silence. Changes will be a comin' "at-cha" before you know it. Your WW is not strong enough to deal with real adversity...not if she's the woman that you've been describing here.

Just stay cool and wait her out.
Coach

Divorce is hold for right now, she and I talked and we both want to see where it goes. She told me that she really wants to work this out but it is gonna take time. Those words were good to hear. She fixed dinner last night and we went out to eat tonight. I have not moved back home sort of like taking baby steps. We agreed to spend some time together so many times a week, so as not to dive in head first. What do yall think?

Just like I always said: Plan A Plan A Plan A.

Have you read about Plan A? This is good news, but the success of it will depend on your Plan A.

How often should I spend time with her?

What would be a good plan A for us at this point?

Come on guys you got me this far dont let go

READ THE STUFF ON MARRIAGEBUILDERS.COM about Plan A and recovery. So far, you haven't told us you have done so. Look at the main site -- not just the discussion board.

Then come back with a few questions.

Principally, you have to figure out what needs were not being met in the marriage that provided the climate for an A, then begin redressing those. Show her that the marriage will be different than it was. But again, read the website. Then you'll have more specific questions.

Read all the stuff about Plan A even have the book. My situation is that after wednesday night she said that she wanted us to work on it and I was really shocked, I went into overdrive. I began calling her a lot and this has pushed her away. She now says that she doesnt think that she can be committed to trying because she thinks that I wont be able to let her affair go and I wont be able to trust her again, she knows how I have been in the past by checking up on her h$ll I had my reasons.

She also thinks that her family will not accept me back because of some of things I did like the tuesday incident that involved the deputy and the name calling. They think that she should get rid of me. I know that I have been pressuring her the last few days but I thought if we were gonna get back together that we should spend more time together and talk more, was I wrong. I even asked her about going to the beach and she said that she was not ready for that, well we did eat dinner together tuesday, wednesday and thursday. What do I do now and why?

She also has to find a job and a place to live if we get to the point of moving back in together.

How can I prove to her that I can be trustworthy? We are gonna eat together on wednesday night and not talk to each other until then, she says she still needs space and time and it would make our relationship better if I gave that to her.

Pressuring her is obviously a big LB. Don't do it. Let her make all the initiatives. Let her make all the moves.

Does her family know about the affair?

"How can I prove to her that I can be trustworthy?" Well, I would say that the question is whether SHE can prove to YOU that she is trustworthy. She, after all, is the one who had an affair. Right now, she seems to be pulling all the strings, and it's not quite right.

I would approach her like a business partner -- one who has been untrustworthy in the past. You don't scream and yell and leave twenty messages an hour for a prospective business partner, do you? You approach warily, to see if there is enough grounds of mutual interest to warrant continued investment, despite broken commitments in the past. You are warm, and friendly -- but cautious.

As you know from Plan A, you try to find out where the deal went off-track in the first place. What were the problems, the unmet ENs?

But maybe it's not the time to talk about that with her right now. Do it like a Japanese business deal. You spend the first twenty lunches/dinners just getting to know the person before you talk Turkey. No R talk for right now. Focus on having a good time together, so she'll want to call again.

Yes they know about the affair

She said that she will prove to me that she is trustworthy but she is afraid that I will make her life miserable by not letting go of it.

I stick by my previous advice. Treat it like a Japanese business deal. Have fun. Be pleasant, romantic maybe -- but a little bit remote. (You really should go see Cary Grant in "Philadelphia Story.")

Don't trust the in-laws. If they know of the A and haven't whupped her a$$, then approach them even more gingerly. They aren't allies. At least not yours.

But most of all, Gaboy -- GET A LIFE! When you see her, you come across as obsessed, clingy, and that's never appealing. Go have a good time, do stuff. Don't be sitting by the phone, waiting desperately for her to phone.