AMM:

If my W's remarks about RM's position in all this are 2 be believed, he's in a relationship now and not interested in one again with my W - and he may even be blaming her for his problems (divorce, fired from his previous job). He allegedly has not responded 2 her invite 2 her OOSP either, even when she suggested he bring his GF along.

As far as litigiousity is concerned, though: RM lives in NM, which is one of 7 states that still allows "alienation of affection" lawsuits. I threw away the email evidence I'd found on D-day quite some time ago, but I still have copies of some that I found after d-day in various places online. Probably not enough "evidence" 2 use in a civil suit, but I don't know that for sure. I suppose I could make contact with xMrs Meat, though I'd have 2 do some digital footwork 2 locate her. And, she'd have 2 be willing 2 help out, and as WAT once suggested, if she's getting any spousal or child support from RM, I'd be jeopardizing that by suing him. I wouldn't do that.

And my beef is with my W. RM needs 2 remain a non-issue... ...though a tactical nuke in his backyard wouldn't hurt none.

-ol' 2long

dimp:

email me at **edit** and I'll tell you!

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

They are not.

I'm not saying go the alienation-of-affection route, or dig up evidence. I'm just saying that WW's decisions in the future may involve RM. She's been in his life for 14 years; I find it unlikely that they will part ways now, though they may (and RM has shown no discinclination to involve sexual supernumeraries in his life -- GF may be temporary)-- just as in the D process I went through, I had to face the possibility of dealing with OW as WH's "widow," making whatever claims of her "versions" of separation agreements, and that possibility raised the level of legal bucks I was willing to pay to ensure my protection.

Again, I'm not suggesting WW will turn into a werewolf at midnight, just to remind you that you don't know who is going to be on the scene a year from now, and how they will influence WW's decision-making. The nature of divorce is that the individuals involved become more what they were trying to be all along. My WH is with a lesbian nutter -- although it doesn't look happy, somehow he has attracted it, and it is a perfect match for the worst parts of him. That's what he will grow towards; that is who he is becoming.

Your WW is voting for the weaker parts of herself. While the prognosis might not be as dire as it is in my case -- just don't assume she's going to be a "reasonable" person, now or in the future, and protect yourself accordingly. Good, solid agreements with no holes will be the best insurance of a good working relationship in future. That way there will be no space for future misunderstandings.

AMM:

I almost missed this. Our lawyer said almost the exact same words. What I think my W may have only just started 2 glimpse at that moment was that, if we were 2 say that separation started 2 weeks ago, for instance, our joint financial accounts wouldn't be joint anymore from that moment forward, and we could be DV'd in less than 6 months.

I want her 2 cogitate while she's at her OOSP, before filing. Because it won't make a lot of difference in timing of things if I file next month but call separation 2 weeks ago. Of course, I wouldn't be inclined 2 file in 6 months and try 2 be DV'd right then and there. Even if that is legal (and I don't know), I don't think it's right.

-ol' 2long

AMM:

I promise 2 be as careful as I can. I appreciate your advice.

-ol' 2long

Sorry to "be that way." I was trying to explain to the others why a D can't always be done on the back of an envelope.

And you did a good job of it, 2!

Seriously, it's something that's growing in the back of my mind as I contemplate all this. This PhD support thang is likely going 2 have 2 involve some consideration of just how much 'help' my W gave me during my PhD program, offset by the A being active at the same time.

I don't want "ugly" though.

-ol' 2long

Favorite movie line, from Faye Dunaway in "Chinatown":

"Oh, I never get nasty, Mr. Geddes. My lawyer does."

More seriously, though, 2long, this is why I fell in love with my lawyer. Every time I brought up the issue of the A, H & OW's poor behavior, the nasty stuff they were doing to me, etc., he swept it aside, and looked coolly at things as they are, and my legal prospects.

While it might be fun to contemplate bringing these kinds of issues into the D -- proving them and bringing them to court will cost $$$$$. And it quickly adds up to more bucks than the money you are contending for.

Dealing with a lawyer ends a lot of fantasy revenge scenarios. They tell you how much it will cost to enact the scenario, and that chills the whole thing, very quickly.

Thanks for that, AMM.

Yep, in the final analysis, the best revenge simply isn't.

-ol' 2long

Hi 2long.

Liked the statement above.

There is wisdom in that.

Means more because you are in it, man. That kind of stuff lacks luster from 20/20 back.

Hi all:

ncwalker:

Like I said again 2 my W just yes2rday about all this crap: I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had and the lessons I've learned for anything... ...though I would appreiciate not having 2 learn more by the same means again, thank you very much!

She seemd 2 find that statement interesting, particularly as I said it after she'd said she didn't regret her A. I'm sure she was surprised by what I said.

2night, when I got home she wasn't here, and it worried me. I asked my son in law if he knew where she was, and he said she'd just left 2 2rn in grades for her students' essays.

When she got home, she was cheerful, like nothing much had happened 2day. We exchanged small talk. I'd nuked a pizza, and she had some. She said she still had a lot of stuff 2 grade, so she wasn't going 2 be able 2 leave until Friday after all. And my son doesn't want 2 go this time. Not until the 4th. My BIL isn't going, as their house is being rennovated and should be done around then so they can move back in. And so my MIL doesn't know how she'll get 2 OOSP, and is thinking of taking a bus. My DD can drive my van, though, so I'm willing 2 let them use it. (My W said at one point "I don't know if you're planning 2 go or not"... .............. .... .. . . .. ... ..... uh...) Oh $hit. We nuke Rat Meat the day before and I'll go for sure! Otherwise, I'll spend my 4th elsewhere (maybe at home with the garden hose 2rned on!).

But I had a golden oppor2nity 2 plant lovebucks in her lovebank, and I 2k it.

2long (standing in kitchen, pointing at door casements that my W had stripped with a heat gun): "Remember what you said the other day about how I made a big deal of telling you just which putty knife I use and how I strip these moldings so I don't gouge the wood?"

W: "Yeah."

2long: "Well, you said I was being judgemental of the way you do stuff, and being picky and holy about how good I am and how I'm frustrated that nobody else does things the 'right way'.

W: "It's hard not 2 be paranoid."

2long: "I understand, and I need 2 remind myself that when we're doing this stuff on the house - tasks that take forever so we tend 2 just assume the other person is hunkered down and accepting that it just needs 2 be done - that I need 2 remember 2 thank you for the work you do, just as much as I like 2 be appreciated for the work I do. Look, I can't do all this stuff myself, and so you have no idea just how much I appreciate seeing all this work done and knowing that I won't have 2 do it all. Sure, there are gouges in the wood, but you're right, and some of this paint makes it very hard NOT 2 gouge the wood all the time. I do it myself! Most of it can be fixed with epoxy as we're getting ready 2 sand and paint, though, and it always comes out looking pretty darned good when we're done!"

...and I suppose that maybe this wasn't what I should be doing now, but she is leaving for a month and I do love her, so I walked up behind her, gave her a big hug, and told her that I love her very much. She hugged me back.

I will NOT let the need for NC and POJA and professional help drop. If we can't agree 2 do those things, we give the guy $5000 next month and set the ball rolling.

-ol' 2long

Wait a minute. The sound of a penny dropping...



So why can't she NC him -- if he's NCing her, anyway? What's this all about? She's giving you up for...nothing???

2long, you're blowing my mind these last few weeks.

Try stripping paint from mouldings with a plan to NOT repaint the wood, but to finish it so every little ding shows.

Wanna come over and help? I have, let's see... currently... 42 pieces of trim to do this on. I also trust nobody else to do it. It's terrible. I know better.

GC

That's the best (err, worst) threat I've read in a really long time. 2Long, you better be careful around WAT. He's serious. (And I think I'm glad, though I'm still not sure exactly what's going on, even after reading 5 pages of this thread tonight.)

AMM:

Doesn't make any freakin' sense, does it???

I ac2ally believe most of that, 2. But I am being cautious in case it's a ruse.

As far as why the heck she can't give up RM, or agree 2 POJA $hit, or get professional help for US is concerned, I think it is because the entitlementality is so ingrained that even a heat gun and a really expensive putty knife can't pull her out!

-ol' 2long

gc:

"Try stripping paint from mouldings with a plan to NOT repaint the wood, but to finish it so every little ding shows."

Ah, you must be restoring a Craftsman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"Wanna come over and help? I have, let's see... currently... 42 pieces of trim to do this on. I also trust nobody else to do it. It's terrible. I know better."

I just had 160 feet of chair rail delivered from the miller's. Custom cut 2 match the stuff in the house and replace a bunch missing. The front doors on this crazy house are 8 feet tall. I've not counted all the window sashes that need 2 be repaired with Abatron, stripped, repainted and put back, but there are lots, and they're BIG. Some folks are surprise that the windows in this house are all single-pane. They think it looks less fancy than multi-light windows. But they don't realize that it was a show of opulence when the house was built, because glass used 2 be blown in2 cylinders, cut and laid flat 2 make window panes, and so big ones were hard 2 make and thus expensive. When we had the tower windows replaced in the attic and a couple other windows downstairs, it cost something like $2000 bucks for the glass alone!

Before the fire, I broke one trying 2 take it out of the sash 2 repair the sash. I thought, shoot! Now I'll have 2 replace it with something from Home Despot. If I'd known how expensive an original pane would have been, I'd have been a LOT more careful removing it (but it did snap awfully easily, it was pretty brittle).

Fixing this beautiful building up is definitely a labor of love, and I truly hope I get 2 do it all with my W, without having a DV looming on the horizon 2 rush us along.

I can still hope, can't I?

-ol' 2long

Hope is always good, even when there's little reason to have it.

Even though I was careful, I broke a few panes taking the old putty out of my sashes. I wasn't careful enough. Dumb, dumb. Sparrow warned me too.

Hope Depot is okay and everything, but I wish there was somewhere you could go and ask about repairing plaster and not get looked at like you were an alien.

Replacement windows, boo! Their benefits w/r/t energy efficiency are vastly overstated. This from a guy who lives in MN.

I wish more people cared enough to fix broken things.

GC

gc:

Now you're talking my language!

Our windows are 118 years old in August. Aluminum and Vinyl (aka "tupperware" or "rubber") windows won't last more than 20 years or so, and they CAN'T be repaired. What are people thinking???

Bob Yapp had the coolest home improvement/restoration show on PBS, but they cancelled him when he wouldn't plug Pella or Anderson windows as replacements in old houses (don't remember the brand name, ac2ally).

There's a place somewhere near here that takes float glass and re-aneals it so it's wavy like blown glass. Nifty alternative 2 expensive original glass, especially if you can't find panes big enough for your windows.

-ol' 2long

Just J:

Hey, that was pretty good, wasn't it! WAT really has me worried, and I'm NOT KIDDING!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Fear is the mind killer..

-ol' 2long