2long, I put something on your thread to be sure you saw it, but just in case you check this one I can better address your comments. Bottom line yes, the problem lies with us in large part. We start to get foggy and the absurdity of the situation gets lost in what we think is love. But I have failed to protect my W by being a CA. By not polishing the gun as you say I allowed myself to dilute the real issue. There really is only one issue; OM. There's a line in the movie As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicolson opens the door to the made and mistakes her for a salesperson. "go sell crazy someplace else, where all stocked up here". Anyway have a great weekend and I'm happy you got to that "place". I know I will and hopefully not alone.

WOE, thanks for being so brutally honest. That takes guts. So is doing coke a regular thing, or was this just a fluke? If you have been doing coke and/or drinking excessively it could be part of the reason you are where you are now.

I've told this story here before, but I'm not sure if you heard it. In the late 90s H had to be treated for the Hep C virus with some pretty powerful drugs. He was on them for 7 to 9 months. He became very depressed and withdrew from me and the boys. He worked and played his classical guitar. It was like he was having an A and I literally hated his guitar. It was the OW. I think I gained between 25 and 30 lbs that year. One day as I was sitting in front of the TV, alone as usual, I decided not to eat. I will never forget the pain I felt sitting there and I had a lightbulb moment. I realized how much food was numbing my pain and when I didn't numb out how very crappy I felt. Maybe that is when I got to the point of finally telling H we go to MC or no more M. I knew what was a healthy M, but I was allowing H to be very unhealthy. I coped by hurting myself. Maybe that is why I don't keep anything in anymore.

I am glad you are talking to your W. I'm not sure what your "deception" is, but hopefully being honest with one another will start to open the door to healing. WOE, you are a good man. Get healthy and know you deserve a healthy M. If you lead the way your W will either follow or you will have to be healthy away from her.

Concerning my M, you're right, I am in a bad place. I think I am going to try and clear my head out in the "getting it" thread. Even though H did many right things after d-day there are 2 things that might make our recovery fail.
(1) ME! I sometimes wonder if I am just a BS that can't get over an A. Beyond the A, maybe it's more like getting over the A especially because of the circumstances that were going on at the time. I'm not sure I will ever make peace with what an unsupportive jerk my H was when I needed him the most. (2) For months after d-day I did feel love for H and had hope for our recovery. I think he really missed the boat on meeting some really important needs back then, and in certain ways is still missing the boat.

That's all about that for now. I told myself today that I have to try and be happy when my son graduates. I can't let H's A take that away from me too. Take care and have a good weekend! CV

CV, the coke was a second time mistake. It has only to do with drinking and it won't happen again. Just like an A could happen with a lot of booze if you're not careful. So I learned my lesson. I have promised W that I would drink less and she needs to also. The conversation was really excellent and I'm trying to stay consistent.

When I say deception it's mostly small things and much of it is done to protect her ie. money issues or work issues. But I'm learning that I have to treat her like my equal before I can expect her to do the same. I'm pretty upbeat right now.

But if you have a chance check out Coach's post to 2long on page 8.

Gotta go.

"I have promised W that I would drink less and she needs to also. The conversation was really excellent and I'm trying to stay consistent."

I once offered my W a deal, where I stop drinking beer (I don't drink much, but I do like 3 or 4 beers while working on the house on days off) if she'd stop contacting RM. She laughed, but refused 2 take the offer. That was Dec 2003. Just this week, I got confirmation from her that RM drinks a lot, and that may have cost him his job last year. ...[pardon me, got 2 go giggle uncontrollably for several minutes... ...okay, I'm back]. Anyway, it would appear that his likely being an alcoholic doesn't seem 2 have been a hindrance 2 getting involved with him, so her complaints about my drinking are obviously an excuse or a blame-shift. I'd still do it if she wanted me 2 (offer still stands), though.

"I'm learning that I have to treat her like my equal before I can expect her to do the same. I'm pretty upbeat right now."

Before you expect her 2 do that, be sure you treat yourself 2 a healthy dose of respect.

-ol' 2long