I thank you guys for your support, and for making me not regret sharing what I did. I did so because I truly understand KMEJ's fear of the unknown, and how easy it is to arrive at a place where you feel safer just because you know what to expect - even if it's crap.

I wanted KMEJ to see that she can make it to the other side, and that while the transition may be scary, the opportunity for what can be ahead for she and her children is actually exciting.

I have more to say to her, but I'm spending some time pondering it.


Dewt,

I don't mind at all telling you what became of him.

As I mentioned, I was 23 when I left, so that was 12 years ago. I did allow him visitation with our son when we first separated. It was always stressful and the police were always involved in some fashion.

One particular visit, the time came for him to return my son. He never showed. I received a phone call from him, telling me that he would give me back my son if I would meet him alone somewhere. I didn't. He didn't bring back my son. Two more days passed and, through some investigative work, I found out where he was staying. I went with my father and the police in the wee hours of the morning. When we arrived, my 3 year-old son was playing by himself on the front porch. His father was inside, passed out drunk on the couch. The place was a mess - trash and beer bottles everywhere. I scooped up my child and left. I guess the police informed him where his son was.

After that incident, I told him he could file contempt charges against me, or do whatever he liked, but I would not consent to visitation again.

We fought in court, in one way or another, for the next ten years - all in his attempt to remain in control of me. For a short time, he moved to another state. Those were a peaceful couple of years.

Once he moved back, he was arrested and went to prison on drug possession charges. It was the first time I'd felt truly safe for as long as I could remember.

Immediately after his release from prison, he took me to court to regain visitation. I fought like hell. By this time, our son was about 12. He hadn't seen his father since he was 3 years old and he didn't really even remember him. Finally, the court granted him supervised visitation, which gradually increased over time until he had standard visitation.

My son harbored some resentment towards me for keeping him from his father, fueled by some lies his dad told him, but I just prayed that he would someday understand that I did it because I needed to protect him. Once, he even told me that he wanted to go live with his dad. It tore my heart out, but I didn't let my child know it. I didn't want him to feel guilty for loving his father. His dad was charming him in much the same way he had charmed me, years before. I knew he would see the truth someday soon, and I wished I could still protect him from it, but I knew that this time I could not - he needed to see it for himself. It is so excruciating to watch your child headed for disaster, and know that protecting them from it would only hurt them further.

It didn't take long...

His father talked him into coming to visit him for Christmas. My son wanted to go with him, but didn't want to miss Christmas with my large family. His father promised him that if he came, he would make sure to have him at my parents' house on Christmas morning. When Christmas morning came, I called to make arrangements to pick him up. His father said "**** you! You can't have him. Now YOU will know what it feels like for me to keep him away from YOU!" So, my child missed Christmas with my family that day - something that he looks forward to all year. He realized his dad has used him as a pawn. This was just one example in a long line of them, to include one instance when my son witnessed his father hit his pregnant girlfriend.

That one was quite a revelation for me. To my knowledge, I was the only woman he had ever hit. I often wondered why he didn't do this to anyone else. It occurred to me that maybe he was right...that it WAS my fault. Maybe there really WAS something about me that evoked that response in him. While I was not pleased that his girlfriend was hurt, the knowledge that it was not my fault set me free.

Now, my son is 15. His father and I no longer fight, really - not in court, or otherwise. DO YOU KNOW WHY? It's because I don't hold the power any longer. I don't have control, so I have nothing he wants. There is nothing to fight me FOR! He doesn't have the power, either. Can you guess who does? MY SON DOES! Let me tell you, he is quite a formidable opponent for his father! Good luck, getting a very strong-willed teenage boy (who sees right through his dad's BS) to do something he doesn't want to do! He refuses to be manipulated by his father. He rarely wants to go visit. Every once in awhile he will. He can only take his father in small doses and thinks him childish and annoying.

It was never my wish to separate them, nor to punish my ex-husband. All I wanted was to be safe, and for my children to be safe. I accomplished that. My son is now old enough (and big enough) to protect himself from his father. His journey in the realization of what his father is about is a shame. It really is. I thank God that he has no memory of when we were married, and that he was safe and did not learn the behaviors his father inevitably would have taught him. I don't believe he resents me anymore. I think he understands now. I know he loves his father the same way you love your father, Dewt. I can imagine someday, my son showing his father compassion the way you showed compassion to your father.

I know that he will also never recover any sort of decent life. I remember that in my studies of alcoholism, I heard or read somewhere that the alcoholic ceases to grow, emotionally, at the time they start drinking, unless they get into Recovery. My ex-husband was 13 years-old when he began drinking. I would say that's a pretty accurate assessment of his emotional maturity. After revisiting my past life yesterday, I was thinking today about who I was then and how much I've grown and accomplished in that 16 years. I then tried to objectively see how my ex-husband had grown, emotionally, from the 23 year-old he was then to the 40 year-old man he is now. He hasn't. He is exactly the same person now as he was then. He is a 13 year-old child, and I pity him.