Okay, I tried to just let this simmer for awhile but I can't stop thinking about it. It seems to have come up more than once.



I'm puzzled about this...

Do you consider me any less betrayed because we weren't yet married?

Do you think that my pain is any less intense than any other BS's?

Do you believe that I deserve anything I get because I chose to marry him, despite his infidelity?

Do you believe that I am unworthy of his help or support, and should be grateful for anything he is willing to offer me because I volunteered to be his wife, even after I knew what that entailed?

I'm not sure what it is about this situation that seems to get under some BS's skin. Is it because, being a "legitimately" BS, it baffles or angers you that someone would choose that role?

The only explanation I can offer is this...

No, Patriot and I weren't married. But, we did share a life as though we were. We shared a home. We shared a checking account. I was just as invested in this relationship then as I am now - emotionally, and financially. I had already committed to Patriot in every way, save that signature on a legal document, and I was eager and willing to do that, too.

On D-Day, my pain was quite real. My shock was also quite real. So was my unconditional love for him. How real would my professed love for him been, had I simply abandoned him even though he was remorseful? His betrayal didn't change the fact that I loved him, and that I had made certain promises to him. My loyalty to him was very strong.

Did I make an illogical decision? Probably so. I'm great at that - thinking with my heart and my emotions. I sincerely pray that I do not regret it someday. My hope is that someday I will look back and thank God that I made the decision that I did. I hope that I say to myself "look what I might have missed out on, had I chosen the logical road".

You may not deem me worthy of your sympathy, as I chose to be here and took a major risk in doing so. That's okay, if I am in need of sympathy or pity, I'm pretty good at providing it for myself at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My comments were neither directed out of anger nor bafflement. I have no reason to feel either one.

I actually thought that they might get you to look inside yourself for some answers.

Going back and reading the initial post, I guess there were no questions out there. It was a venting thread....my bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

committed

Was it Roy Rogers who said "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there?"

Scrap all that has been said so far and look between the lines. What we have here is two people who are demonstratively NOT afraid to say what they feel. When they feel offended or bad. A good start.

There is energy, but there is no plan. The HMSS Froz/Pat is all motor and no rudder. Throttle back, and look to the horizon. What is your course?

Go back and read "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair" in the Q&A Columns.

Rule 1: Avoid being the cause of your spouses unhappiness.
Froz, the Bible says a nagging wife is like a constant dripping. Proverbs is just FULL of stuff about how horrible a woman who can't control her mouth is. Men have trouble with a woman berating or nagging us. Makes us feel like mom is back and smothering. We like freedom. Words of PRAISE carry lots of weight with us. So what do you do? You have asked nicely, right? And no answer? Keep on asking nicely. He is not responding, and I am not saying you don't have a right to know. What I am saying is if your GOAL is to find out the truth, and your anger/nagging/yelling about it is the fruit of your FRUSTRATION, it will take you FARTHER from your goal. If you want to ease your frustration, hammer away at him. But if you want him to open up, restrain that mouth. A mouthy wife shuts a man down in record time. Is it fair? No. It's reality.

Rule 2: Meet your spouses most important emotional needs.
Your turn, Pat. Clearly honesty about your activities is one of them. I am a BS as well, and there were things I had to know too. She is "buying" the fact that you are hers again. But she kind of needs to know what she is buying. So you think you are protecting her feelings? How do YOU know that? Telling her the truth is crucial. Both of you should be calm. You need to be especially watchful. You guys can stop if it is too much. It is scary. Watch her as you tell her, and Froz - be mature. If you have heard so much that you are about to LB him, take a break. This medicine is best swallowed quickly, just don't choke trying to get it all down at once. Pat, it is up to you as the spiritual head to shepherd her through this. And it will be a test of your patience. This kind of stuff is hard for the fairer sex to process as they tend not to compartmentalize.

Rule 3: Give your spouse your undivided attention.
No kids, TV, distractions when you do this. Read on what "active listening" is. No doubt the two of you have no problems with expressing (much like me and my WW). But clearly, there is a listening problem. Proverbs again - Be quick to LISTEN, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Rule 4: Be completely honest with your spouse.
COMPLETELY. Are you getting this, Pat? TRUST ME on this, I am a BS. The demons will grow these unanswered questions FAR LARGER than the truth actually is. Answer as much as she wants, just make sure there is a safety net. A means to get away if it becomes too painful. This is NECESSARY in the recovery - point conceded to Froz. HOWEVER, if it is executed poorly, it can cause more damage - point conceded to Pat.

At the end, the both of you appear to be keeping the bests interests of the marriage in mind. And the both of you are RIGHT. The solution is COUPLED. It must be advanced uniformly for the best chance of success or it will bind and cause damage. Like a platoon beginning to march. EVERYBODY steps off on the left foot on the command MARCH. If anyone is out of cadence, it turns from a formation to a Charlie-Foxtrot real quick. This will be the same.

The goal the two of you need to have is keeping each other on the same page - then keep the recovery advancing. Only way you will make it.

Try something different. Make a report card with the four rules. Really, make some blank forms and print a bunch of copies. Grade how you think you did, then grade each other. Compare notes. Promise to each other something real and measurable to show improvement.

======
Excerpt from Froz/Pat just before bed:
Froz: So Pat, Rule # 2. I think I did a B performance today. What do you think?
Pat: Sorry hon, I gave you a C-minus.
Froz: Really, why?
Pat: Well, when I came home, I came to give you a hug while you were cooking and you seemed distant.
Froz: I see. So if I promise to remember to return your affection, I'll get a better grade on Rule 2.
Pat: Yeah. It means a lot.
Froz: I can do that. I just felt a little cold when you got home. See, when I called you at work, I was really struggling with dealing with the affair junk. And you seemed short with me on the phone. You didn't even say I love you.
Pat: I'm sorry. I was really busy when you called. I didn't mean it.
Froz: I figured, but you didn't even tell me that. You were just short. I am wounded and need some reassurance from you.
Pat: Guess I didn't score to well on Rule #2 today either, did I?
Froz: Sorry.
Pat: OK. I will try to make sure I pause and give you my attention when you call. You do deserve it. You don't call so much that it is bothersome, so it's the least I can do. Would that get my grade up?
Froz: Sure would.
=====
May sound corny. What have you got to lose, other than your marriage? It's practical, visual, and what you're doing right now doesn't seem to be working. I have a feeling the two of you are demonstrative, visual people.

Don't promise the farm to each other. You guys are trying to change HABITS. Hard to do. Pick one, work on it RELENTLESSLY and it will change. Don't stop until it is conquered and changed. Means you will have to be careful you tell each other the most important ones first, so you get the greatest reward. Also means you will have to be patient with each other as the others sit in the holding pattern waiting for attention.

Then turn the motor back on. Set your course now, start slow, watch your progress, keep the eye on the prize. Don't forget to look back, now and again. It is a real pick-me-up to see how much progress you have made.

NCWalker

Hi, Frozen and Patriot.

Here is what I suggest.

Patriot: Pursue your wife.

Frozen: No grabby/needy stuff.

I think NCW made some excellent suggestions to you.

On the choice of marriage. It was your (collective) choice. Don't second guess it. To do so now is just a waste of time.

My wife made a similar choice almost 30 years ago, only worse. She chose to marry a loser, user and a player - me.

For other posters here; People can and do change. Not everyone will change that makes claim to it, but I do believe that Frozen and Patriot genuinely want to succeed at their marriage. They could use your helpful suggestions.

God bless,
Gimble

Whew!!!!!

NCWalker and Gimble to the rescue!

Thanks guys!

Patriot and I spent all night last night talking about NCWalkers post and his suggestions and are working on a plan.

Patriot is out of town for the day and he does not have internet access there, so I don't expect he will reply until this evening.

I only have to work a couple of hours today, so I will be back in a little while to respond because we have thought about a lot and I have some comments and questions...just wanted to jump on here real quickly and tell you that we are listening, thinking, and truly appreciating the time you are taking to help us. We are grateful for the direction you guys are offering.

I know I can speak for both of us when I say that we are not second-guessing our decision to marry and we are both willing to do what it takes to recover.

Thanks so much to those who have offered suggestions, support, and ideas. Success is our goal.

Froz

Wonderful news froz and Pat.

The key is realize both of you are hurt, but make progress.

Understanding the process will be slow will help.

Telling each other what progress "looks like" is required.

If Pat "thinks" he is making progress, but it doesn't translate into froz view of things, then is progress being made? No.

Thus the report card. Give each other the answers to the test - what will make you happy and feel like the other is working.

Above all, patience. This kind of hurt takes some time.

NCW

(And you don't have to take my suggestion literally. Decide on a course of action, give it good effort, and if it is not producing results, try something else. Though it is flattering if you decide to try it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

You couldn't be MORE right. And frankly, all this business of leaving my motor running is making me exhausted - truly exhausted and running low on fuel.


On to the rudder...


Am I REALLY a nag? Gosh, I know I kind of chewed him out in the post the other day. I had been patiently waiting for quite some time and I got frustrated, but a NAG? I truly hope not.

What exactly is the fine line between being honest and being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness? Sometimes there are things I think or feel and I don't say them because they may be negative things, even if I say them nicely, and I know they might make him unhappy. He doesn't like it when I withhold what I'm thinking or feeling and says he wants me to be honest. Do I say these things anyway? What if this causes him to be unhappy? If I don't say them, am I being dishonest? I am horrible at hiding my emotions. He says my face is very expressive and gives away exactly what I'm thinking or feeling - makes it kind of hard if we wrestle with each other because he always knows when I'm going to strike. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Where do you see this? I ask because I would like to identify it so that it may be corrected.



Patriot absolutely LOVED this idea. He loved the simplicity of the suggestions you made and found your "back to basics" concepts brilliant. Perhaps we have been making things a lot more complicated than they had to be. He is going to print us up some "report cards".



We have no problem looking corny in front of each other.
If you only knew how truly corny we are together in private, you would surely gag.

Thanks again, ncwalker...for taking to the time to offer us your words of wisdom and direction.

Gimble,

Thanks for aiding in stopping the mad Jerry Springer-ish thing that seemed to be going on.

Patriot and I prefer constructiveness, and he likens some people's posts to someone walking by and throwing a grenade in the room and then continuing to skip on along...

We are hungry for ideas and suggestions, and we are always thrilled when we see that we've gotten a response from you.



Patriot has shown unbelievable improvement in this area, once I was finally able to define "pursuit" for him. That was a HUGE hurdle for both of us.



Uh, ok...you mean just IN CASE I happened to be the grabby/needy type, which I am not...right?

We are both very excited about ncwalker's suggestions. It feels great to have some direction and a PLAN. I love an assignment.



Your wife has excellent instincts.

Gimble, we truly are genuine in our desire to make our marriage successful. Thank you for your helpful suggestions.

Froz

Dear froz,

First let me say thanks. You pointed out some of my statements that did not sit right with you - AND THAT IS OK. I am thanking your for the maturity to realize that there is a HUGE limitation of this forum. It is "almost" a conversation, but there is a time delay. Glad you did not dismiss what I said out of course, asked for, and patiently waited for clarification. So I will give it.

First, a question (to yourself, I don't need the answer)...are you as patient with Patriot? HONESTLY. We tend to take those we are close to for granted.

On to business...


You have to understand, in my current sitch, I am busy. And I could not give your issue the attention it deserves. Thus the Chapter/Verse of that is missing. But among other things, I was not trying to say you were a nag, just point out that the Bible is FULL of admonishments to the WIFE about controlling her mouth.

I don't know where your faith is, or your views of men/women, I am just relaying mine. There is a reason for that. Women are VERBAL. Men are PHYSICAL. Do you have kids? My three boys will roughhouse and my wife will say "Stop them, they are going to kill each other." My response is "They are just being boys." But their attention span for a conversation is almost negative time.

I'll make a BET with you. Ask Patriot this -

"Honey, since we are now being utterly responsive to each others needs, I want to ask you a question. I know I get angry and I need to watch it, but I am not perfect. So I'm going to make mistakes. And when I do, the need to lash out at you will overcome me. So to minimize this relationship damage, I want to give you a choice now. Next time I have a big mad on, what is your preference? One of my tongue lashings or should I beat you to within an inch of your life with the rolling pin?"

He'll pick the rolling pin. I have NO doubt.

Words (especially from the wife) wound a man deep. Wound a man's soul. The only way to heal a wound like that is to bare it - let it air to someone else. Sadly, men are conditioned not to. So we carry those wounds. All the worse from someone we love so much. Physical damage heals. We much prefer those.

My reference was really throughout the Bible, that verse was just close at hand. REPEATEDLY it warns the noble wife to watch her tongue with the husband. It also tells her to "praise his name at the gates."

Not insinuating you are a nag, just trying to show you that pretty little mouth he likes to kiss can as easily KILL him if misused. You gals bear your souls to your girlfriends like trading recipes, or gardening tips, or whatever you talk about. We DON'T. It's TABOO. Try and remember this.

(And Patriot, if your watching, she NEEDS you to LISTEN. I know it's hard man, but FOCUS on her when she talks. Means more than diamonds, foot rubs, hard work, almost everything to her.)

(And Froz, his LACK of listening is NOT a lack of interest. He just doesn't NEED to communicate like you. Caveman only developed a language because of CaveWOMAN. Most of us men can communicate with amazing effectiveness with a few, short, terse, grunts. Can I get a WITNESS guys? (and the congregation responds "Ug."))

So not a nag, intent was to let you know to him that your mouth is a DEADLY weapon. May not make sense to you, but it is reality.


There is no line there at all. You are separating things in to categories that a man does not recognize. You simply have to learn his categories.

Patriot is in the military. I was. So here is a scenario. Pat is my first sergeant and he screws up. I get a hidden camera video and bring him in to my office, or whatever. I guarantee I could give him an [censored]-chewing that would make you blush. And you would be stunned by what I said and his response. He would be respectful, cooperative, and understanding later. He would not bad mouth me or gripe. And your jaw would be on the floor, watching this tape. You would be thinking "Jeez, if I let him have it like that, he would have sulked and moped and been difficult, etc. etc. etc." It would seem incomprehensible to you that he would take something like that from me, when you do so much less and he gets angry.

Here is the explanation. And you will have to learn the secret "guy" handshake after I tell you this, because you will have one up on him. Practice this, and he will be like your little pet husband.

1) You are his WIFE. I am only his commander. He is DEVOTED to you, only LOYAL to me.
2) (Another bet) I bet when you are railing at him, the focus is HIM. And when I do it the focus will be on what he DID.

====
Typical (and I'm guessing) froze butt-chewing:

Honey, I can't believe YOU wrecked that humvee. Now the insurance will go up.

Honey, why did YOU let those privates get drunk. Do you realize what YOU have done?

Honey, I needed you here at oh-dark-thirty and YOU were late again.
=====
Same butt-chewing, NCWalker style:

1SG, the $$&$(( humvee is completely *(&&^&(, I expect better of you. Did you take stupid pills this morning?

1SG, you knew better than to let those ***## privates leave the area. Now they got drunk and we are responsible.

1SG, what happend at oh-dark-thirty? I was counting on you and you let me down. I'm docking you pay.

=====

The differences are subtle. And I could throw in wild gyrations, cursing, everything. It wouldn't matter. He would shrug it off, and work on his behavior. Because of two key points:

1) I only say what he DID was bad, not that he is.
2) The repercussions affect US, not ME.

But I am a guy, so this is NATURAL for me. Don't fret it you don't get it. But if you LEARN it, he'll be your puppy dog.


In the thread. Go back and read it. BOTH of you slung, slung, slung, then calmed down a bit, took some time to read what each other wrote, and apologized. And my impression is when those posts were popping in, you were at home and he was at work. Which would have had a "throttling back" effect on the exchange. I can only imagine what it would have been like if you were in the same room and TALKING.

Froz and Pat - fight hard, love hard. Tell me I'm wrong.

How about this - learn how to fight nice and save some of that emotional energy and it becomes...

Froz and Pat - fight some, love harder. SCHWINGGG!!!!


And there lies the key. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

When you do the report card, and one of you gives an "A". Make SURE you say WHY. It is real easy to justify an "F".

Froz: Pat you got an F on Rule number 2 because you came home and farted in front of my friends! Pig!

That's a no brainer.

Harder when he gets an A. Because he just didn't do anything wrong. Make sure you tell him what he did right. Remember, he is a STUPID, INCONSIDERATE MAN (just like the rest of us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ) and he will get a few right out of DUMB LUCK. Tell him when he does. When he fixes your car, he knows he got it right because it STARTS AND RUNS. We need that obvious feedback. We're thick that way.

He may be super husband and have you on cloud nine for a whole week, but if you don't pull out the Victoria Secrets and turn into porno-wife, he ain't gonna know. Smiling and humming while you fold the laundry because he made you happy will not even twitch his "I'm doing good" needle. And if you don't FEEL like being porno-wife (which is OK), do the next best thing and TELL HIM. The clearer the better. Ever get the feeling that Patriot is a little boy trapped in a man's body?

HE IS. (means he is healthy and normal)

You have to make sure that when you tell him something, a ten year old would get the point you are trying to make.

Witticisms, eloquence, and idosyncracies of words and body language are LOST on a man UNLESS they are being used to make someone the butt of a joke. THEN we pay attention because it's funny. (Another, dark, male secret I probably should not have told you. Want proof? Ever notice that most women fall for the lead singer? He is the verbal poet. Most men think he is a sissy. We think the drummer is cool. (Hope GrayCloud wasn't readin' that. I think he is a singer. I like him, and it wouldn't do if he knew I thought he was a sissy-boy for singing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ))


I absolutely would not. The most beautiful thing about a couple who has been together for some time is EXACTLY that. Ever see "Good Will Hunting?" The scene were Robin Williams is explaining that the intimate knowledge of those little imperfections is what makes the relationship special is absolutely moving.

Just try and remember that when the same things are driving you nuts.

Now get out there and succeed.

NCWalker

This was SO insightful NCwalker - thank you - my H and I fit right in - I am a gabber and a nagger, he is former special forces....and takes physical pain a lot easier - you MEN - sheesh

I am slowly learning my mouth can be a cause of so much heartache for both of us.

Great post to Froz - helped me a bit too!

-ds

very insightful. And very true



Also very insightful. I am not so interested in communication as a filler of my needs. And I don't go (nor do I image many men do) talking to my friends about my life in such sordid detail. I understand the need to listen, however. I agree with it.




overall this is a very important point to grasp. Especially now. What I did wrong is the issue. Not that I am a low-down dirt bag and there is no fixing me... like I am permanently broken. It is always better to term things in how it affects us and not in you and I.

my point is this. In a relationship, if you are trying to make it work. Then work together. Be a team. how something affects "us" more likely makes "us" try to solve it together than how I am this and you are that.

You and I is divisive

we and us is uniting.



ok... I am not trying to invalidate or sidestep the pain I caused. But recovery is about being productive, isn't it? It seems that it is to me. a polarized effort sure doesn't seems as powerful as a unified effort.

anyway... some thoughts on a "just before bed" post.

ncw... thank you for posting here and taking the time. Your posts have been helpful and guiding. It sure seemed to take some complexity out of things by just taking the 4 rules and grading them. Fundamentals combined with feedback. I bet some coach somewhere is using that tag line...

Thanks. And Gimble... drop an email once in a while. sheesh. Hope you are doing well.

Hi, Patriot.

Quote:
=================================
And Gimble... drop an email once in a while. sheesh. Hope you are doing well.
=================================

Patriot, your wife is really something else, isn't she. Beautiful, a great personality, and very intelligent.

Shortly after I had introduced my wife-to-be to my father for the first time, he pulled me over to the side, and as only a father can do, he said: "Boy, that one's a keeper. You'd better be good to her".

Well, I didn't do a very good job of being good to her at first, but I did manage to 'keeper', and I eventually learned, albeit the hard way, how to be good to her.

You got yourself a real keeper. Better take good care of her.

God bless,
Gimble

ncwalker,



That is not true at all! Your statements sat just fine with me. I ask for clarification, not to debate, but to understand. I want to be sure that I "get it". Then I want to be sure that I live it. In order to do that, I must understand what you are saying completely and totally.




As far as my faith goes, I am a Christian. My views on men's and women's roles are reflected in Mortarman's thread. I don't know if you have read his thread or not, but it is exactly in line with what I believe and have believed for quite some time.



OUCH! That one hurt. I have never made it a practice to bash Patriot. I never felt a desire to, until now. Since the A, sometimes this horrible beast lives inside me and I actually feel as though I am standing beside myself watching as some of the most horrendous things come out of my mouth. I have lashed out and said some of the ugliest things, out of my own pain. I am extremely ashamed of that. How I wish I had been more elegant and graceful and hurt in a manner that had protected him. I try not to do that anymore, but the knowledge of the way I handled it before and the way it affected him causes me to be deeply ashamed of myself.



UGH! I don't get to learn the secret handshake because I still don't get it. I asked Patriot last night what the difference was between the way you said it and the way I might say it. I still saw an awful lot of the word "you" in your dialogue, too. I do see the focus on the action more in your words. Maybe I'm making it too complicated out of a desire to master this. A part of me still thinks that even if I use the same words that you did - they won't have the same effect on him, simply because they are coming from me.

Things are so much more complicated, because of the A...I do believe that I have some pretty good relationship skills and that a lot of this stuff I had pretty down pat before. I am also feeling this way right now because I just finished reading the additions to Mortarman's thread and you know what? I DID act that way before - I lived it! I respected him. I revered him. I was patient and kind to him, and I took excellent care of him. So WHY, WHY, WHY?????? Why am I here? Why do I have to live in the hell of this aftermath - when I was so good to him? I did everything right! Why do I have to have my love and my loyalty towards him tested so grandly, simply because everyone else in his life chose to hurt him? Why do I have to pay the price for that?

Things were going pretty well last night and we were feeling close and positive. That was, until I triggered on something - hard. I then felt distant. He, of course, noticed. I didn't LB him, but it didn't matter. I may as well have, because he was hurt by my distance and the effect was the same. How do I apply all of this when my personal pain is SO enormous at times?




Well, you're not entirely wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
To me, it seems more like:

Froz: fight hard, love hard, feel EVERYTHING hard.
Patriot: watch in awe (or horror) from the sidelines, wondering how someone can FEEL so darn much.



He gets a LOT right out of sheer dumb luck. I think this amazes him when it happens, because he could be trying so hard with something else, and missing the mark. He could then "accidently" hit the bull's eye. The look on his face, when this happens, is priceless - kind of like he's really proud of himself, but he doesn't know what for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Oh, trust me...he knows! I'm either bawling my head off, or beaming with excitement. He never has any question about how I feel. I'm pretty expressive.



Why NO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />
He seemed amazingly mature the other day, as he communicated with me...while playing with his Legos!

Patriot relates very much with what you are saying, and he loves the manner in which you convey it. You were really cracking him up with that Charlie Foxtrot-thing (he had to tell me what it was - I'm a new military wife). He also thinks the drummer is coolest (sorry Graycloud). I only wish he wasn't working out of town today again, so he could participate more in this thread.

The out of town thing, in itself, is a direct hit at my target. He was supposed to be going on a trip for two days - staying at the hotel and the whole bit. Instead, he opted to commute and has been driving 3 hours round trip daily - just so he can spend the night here, with me, instead of staying at the hotel there. So please forgive him for his lack of participation in this thread. It isn't because he doesn't desire to. He's just busy driving - for me!




Yes, I know just what you mean. It is the knowledge that he shared something that I held as sacred and beautiful as that with someone else, that truly has broken my heart.

Thanks again, ncwalker, for sharing your time and your wisdom.

Froz,

I hear ya. But I don't have time for a proper reply. As my foot has been in my mouth of late, I think it's best if I wait a bit. Will catch you on the weekend.

NCWalker

Gimble,

I realize you were not addressing me, specifically, and I'm HORRIBLE at compliments...but thank you for what you said.

Froz

P.S. I'm not really beautiful. I really look like a combination of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />, and <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, and <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. It's just lucky for me that Patriot has poor vision.

LOL Froz COME ON NOW lol - that made me laugh...

DS,

I was being SERIOUS! The poor man can hardly see his hand in front of his FACE!!!

Froz

P.S. How is Sprint? I was thinking about him this morning.

thanks for thoughts - sprint is still sprint.

He walked mud through my house - something normally I am on his case for - but in my new me, I wasn't even bothered by it - in my mind, I was thinking - I will just sweep it up - it's not a problem at all. Little things like that just aren't boethering me anymore...too much wasted time on those.

But he got all upset and told me he does nothing right around here, he knows how much I hate it, and stormed out of the house. I told him as he stormed out - It's not a big deal, and I am not in the least upset about it - don't beat yourself up over it...he just walked out and left for work.

He slept in the basement all night too. BUT when we first started recovery - he had downloaded a booklet for me to read called Infedelity Crisis and it reminded of the same thing I posted before - kindness, changing who I am. The thread about husbands and wives too - not nagging, supporting.

I will be the wife I was never before. I apologized last night to him for the years of critizing and nagging I did. That he never deserved it. He did say thank you and that was it.

Despite 1 hour of sleep - i am in a good mood - nights are hard, but days are new days and always filled with new hope.

i know he feels good at work, so I hope he is having a marvelous day.

-ds

DS,

You never cease to amaze me! I wish I had your positive outlook on life. You are sometimes very much like a breath of fresh air.

As is customary, I can understand how Sprint feels. He must love you very deeply, otherwise he wouldn't be there. I hope that someday very soon, he can see through his pain and have hope again - hope that he can be happy.

Sometimes I feel like I never really will be. Maybe I can have moments of fleeting happiness, but I fear that I will always be broken and never have the opportunity for untainted joy - with or without Patriot.

He tells me that I will never have to worry about pain like this again, or infidelity. I don't think he gets it - it's already here! That's kind of like telling someone you will never stab them in the gut again. Well, gee, that's nice to know that I won't have to worry about FUTURE stab wounds. In the meantime, I'm bleeding profusely from my stomach. If, by some chance, that bleeding may stop someday, I'm still going to have this huge scar and my stomach will always have issues and never really function in the same manner that it did before.

I wonder if that isn't how Sprint feels sometimes. He acts like I feel, and though there are gender differences that might alter some of our shared behaviors...I do feel as though I sometimes understand how he may feel.

Keep up your dilligent work, my friend...it may just pay off.

P.S. I bet, in real life...you look something like this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />, only with pretty hair and a nose!

So much like me. I KNOW this will NEVER happen again. I learned a HARD lesson, and now with God in my life, he will always steer my decisions, and GOD will not let me make such poor choices.

But like you , Sprint says - it's not about now, it's about what you did. Now doesn't matter - it's what you DID. And in my eyes, I am such a new person, that in my mind NOW does matter - NOW is my new life, my new birth as God's child, my upward climb from brokeness. NOW matters the most to me. I am nor defined by THEN, I am defined my NOW. But Sprint is so hurt, he can't see now, he defines me by THEN, and it clouds everything. He needs to heal before he can consider NOW. How he will do that, I do not know, but I will stand by him and try not to nag, critisize, get defensive, etc. I will be the wife he needs me to be.



FUnny you should say that. Sprint says - its like someone punching you in the eye and the week later asking - are you okay, can I help you out as if they weren't the ones to do it.

Actually I think Sprint is alot like you, cept the male qualities...I think he is more stubborn than you lol.

-dorry