Stid, the idea behind Plan is to detach yourself from the drama which lessens the pain you have to endure by completely ENDING contact with him.

Sometimes, Plan B has a residual effect of pulling the WS off the fence. See, as long as you stay in contact with him, he is able to have some of his needs met by you, and some by the OW. The OW can't possibly meet all of his needs, but he doesn't know that until you are removed from the scene. When he realizes you are moving on and taking back control of your life, it can have the effect of waking up the WS.

However, there are no guarantees. What is guaranteed is that your life can be restored to sanity by removing yourself from his sleazy drama.

Plan B is done by completely ending contact with him - ALL contact. You set this up by sending him a love letter telling him that you love him, but that his affair is eroding the love you feel for him and because of that, you are ending all contact and moving forward in your life. You are willing, though, to discuss possible reconciliation if he ends all contact with the OW and any other criteria you think will aide in your recovery.


Plan B letter samples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428#000001

Stid, I would recommend Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. That has a good overview of Plan B.

But please let us give you feedback on your letter before you send it, ok? Let us help you do this correctly.

Thanks ML,
I located the book at main library since not in local store. I'll get it tomorrow. I will start working on the letter now. Feedback on the letter will help
S

Hi,
I went over the info in Surviving an affair.

Dear H,
I love you. You are the husband of my youth.

I apologize for my choices over the last few years that have caused you pain and eventually lead to your choice of an affair.

I am saddened by our inability to communicate and create and environment that is safe for us to rebuild our marriage. I am discouraged that we do not protect each other. I am hurt when you give me a gift like the bleeding heart plant since I cannot keep plants alive. One simple rose would have said so much more. Truly, I want you to get to know me and what makes me smile. I would like to know you again and things that make you smile.

When you are ready to work on our relationship lets meet and discuss steps we will need to take. I know already that I need you to be in a recovery group and/or with an accountability partner regularly. The accountability partner would need to agree that I could contact him regarding your faithfulness to meetings. Also, the POJA we discussed briefly several months ago will need to become part of our lifestyle.

My heart cannot begin to reconcile only to need to separate emotionally again. We have done that several times already and each time it intensifies the pain. My hearts desire is for you to move home again. I am willing to begin the process.

With all my love
S

Hi Stid! I think this is a very good framework, but I would change a couple of things. I would remove the part about the plant. He gave you a gift and you responded by telling him you were "hurt." I doubt he intentionally hurt you, and meant to do something nice. He can't be a mind reader and know what you would want, so, please remove that out of fairness. Your expectation that he can read your mind about a gift is a disrespectful judgement.

Can you describe the problem to me in CONCRETE TERMS as if I am a 5 year old? The problem as I understand it is continual contact with the OW and his lack of committment to the marriage. Do I have this right?

Thanks for the help ML,
I can remove the plant issue.

As far as I know he has had no contact for 100 days. I read that accidental meetings like at the mall don't get to count. He didn't plan to meet her, we were just all there at the same time. Although he admitted it was her routine to be there then.

He has a lack of commitment to our marriage. He would like the benefit of no domestic duties (he is better than I am at this). When we are together he will not help with domestic chores. The few days we were together proved this to still be true.

He choses not to support our teenager. He figures my salary is enuf and his salary is for his needs.

Does that help clarify the problem or did u mean in the letter?


Letter redo:
Dear H,
I love you. You are the husband of my youth.

I apologize for my choices over the last few years that have caused you pain and eventually lead to your choice of an affair.

I am saddened by our inability to communicate and create and environment that is safe for us to rebuild our marriage. I am discouraged that we do not protect each other. Truly, I want you to get to know me and what makes me smile. I would like to know you again and things that make you smile.

When you are ready to work on our relationship lets meet and discuss steps we will need to take. I know already that I need you to be in a recovery group or with an accountability partner for several years. The accountability partner would need to agree that I could contact him regarding your faithfulness to meeting. Also, the POJA we discussed briefly several months ago will need to become part of our lifestyle.

My heart cannot continue to begin to reconcile only to need to separate emotionally again. We have done that several times already and it just increases the pain of this situation. My hearts desire is for you to move home again.

With all my love

I'm reading the Road less traveled.
He says "Courage is not the absence of fear: it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

Looking to the future and looking to the faithful obedience to God that my life needs to have, I need to work more on the letter. It is a place to begin. Part of what I do not say is clearly because I'm unhappy. I want my life to be different. I want to have a good home again.
I want to have friends as a married couple.
I want to see our grandchildren together.
I want to find a way to be friends
I want to pray together
I want to hold hands and walk together.
I want to hear his voice in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to sleep
I want to laugh and cry with him.
I want to listen to his dreams
I want to have a future with him.
I want to trust him
I want him to be there for me
I want to look in his eyes and see love (it is see-able)
I want to grow old together
I want to honor him
I want to feel treasured and special in his eyes
I want to serve the Lord together
That is my dream for my marriage and future.

Stid, has he taken the EN questionaire? What are his top needs?

Somehow I missed it that he had really ended his affair with the OW, which is why I suggested Plan B. However, if the affair is ended, there is no reason to do Plan B.

I wonder if a better tactic would be to understand he is in withdrawal - since it is only 100 days since his last contact - and do your best, instead, to meet his needs? Do you know his top 3 emotional needs? What are his dreams for your marriage?

Have you been in counseling?

Hi ML,

I am in counseling. He will not go. The big need is for me to set my boundries per counselor.

H needs WOA and recreation partner most. H tends to become self centered and controling given any place in my life. H tends to smother me. Then we go into a very unhealthy dance. I would like us to break the cycle and move to a healthier M.

H dreams of reuiniting and then spending both incomes. That is the only info he talks about when we did talk of reconciliation. My insecurity with his desire to spend them both...we all can get new (not used) cars, etc. No. We have bills to pay first and tuition to pay. We can save for car of dreams. So we aren't thinking on the same planet.

H has limited play time now where previously he played more than he worked. Now, he is like alot of us that have to chose a time to get to do play stuff (leisure activities). I am trying to become more involved in activities he likes.

I want a M partner, not to be a mother to him, he treated his mother crummy and neglected and avoided her.

I am reading thru SAA. We are at a place where we can survive if the reconciliation has good boundries. Setting them up so we each can have our EN met and can avoid love busters is the way I'm thinking to go.

The four rules: of protection, care, time and honesty will be where the boundries need to be set. I see in the SAA book that a marital recovery agreement is probably more helpful. I havent finished that section yet.

Thanks for your suggestion to write the letter. It helped me get started thinking about what I want. I was stuck and couldn't ID anything. I sure want this to work.

I have to work on the disresptful judgements. That is hurtful to him and I really don't need to do that. I did it in this post, but I need to change in this into a positive.
S

I'm excited. I just finished reading SAA and the plan to set in place is spelled out clearly. I can make a few adjustments to personalize it. I'm excited because this can work. Then if he is willing to do the recovery agreement then we can actually begin to reconcile. Having an agreed on standard will make it easier to work on the marriage. Then the rules cannot change. This is just what I needed. I'm more than a little excited!!!!
S

Stid, I think you are on the right track, the main things I would caution against would be trying to educate him or make him conform to a set of rules. I would focus, instead, on attracting him back into the marriage by practicing those principles and giving him a vision of what a good marriage could look like. Its important that he also agrees on what those standards are. And standards are different frm your boundaries. For example, fidelity is a boundary that is not open to negotiation, however, amount of time spent together should be a negotiable issue in which you both have input. Does that make sense?

ML,
I see what you are saying about the boundries.
Standard guides our everyday living. The boundries in marraiage are in place like a law is in our land. Break the law and consequences no matter how sorry you are--if you speed, you still pay speeding ticket. Is this the idea???
I hope so, cause then I'll finally have understood the concept.
Thanks for your help
S

Hi
You know setting a boundry and keeping it are two separate things.
H seems to be an expert at love busting. H is selfish and continues to use and abuse his role as a H and parent. H takes from all of us and takes and takes and takes.

ML sometimes do the takers of the world defeat the givers in their life??? Do I always have to excuse H behavior?
I think I need to stay far away from H until something changes because he depleted my love bank with his actions today. I don't even have energy enuf to be angry at him. I have nothing left to give.

JustLearning gave me some great advice about disrespectful judgments...pretty much saved me from myself, hence my marriage. DJ's aren't just what we say outloud, they are in our heads--attitudes and perspectives. The first thing MB'rs usually say here is that we can certainly change ourselves, if not our marriages.

I may be missing your point here regarding boundaries, but this quote sounds a lot like me last year:
"You know setting a boundry and keeping it are two separate things. H seems to be an expert at love busting. H is selfish and continues to use and abuse his role as a H and parent. H takes from all of us and takes and takes and takes."

Since your first post, I feel you've been asking what "we" can do to recover, make it work for long-term, etc. You've got to have the "I" before "we" in your head, your heart and your desires. You are an amazingly fast researcher/learner. You seem earnest, devoted and targeted on understanding and reconciling your marriage. Your passion is easily seen. You've got to keep that focus inward, on you, and not what he's doing or not doing. I had to eradicate ingrained DJ's and AO; it's been nine months and my husband will look at me oddly, during our discussions, because he doesn't hear what he's always heard. It's the only reason he came back, he says, because I truly changed (though I've slipped twice). And he says that's why he tries so hard now...I couldn't make him commit or try--he chose to because he said, "I can only imagine how hard you've worked to change. I don't know if I can succeed at changing, but I'll try." And he does share by talking and touching, more freely than in 16 years or so. I'm very blessed.

In your head, concentrate on you--active listening, repeating back whatever is said, doing your best to understand rather than be understood. My life changed when I read that 90% of marital issues are not problems to be solved, but feelings/opinions to be understood.

Your last paragraph sounds like you're jumping to a solution (staying far away from H) before you've comprehended all of the issues between you. I feel for your empty love bank. I'm not blaming you--only steering you towards the part that was hardest for me to understand.

As for boundaries...somewhere on MB, I picked up this:

Boundaries are what you won't allow others to do to you (nor allow you to do to yourself)
Standards are what you won't allow yourself to do to others (nor allow you to do to yourself)

Both of these lists will end up being the same things--after examining what really is most important to you.

Samples: Honesty--you won't allow others to lie to you, nor you to lie to others, nor to lie to yourself. There has to be amends for others how cross your honesty boundary (and that includes lies by omission for me), and for yourself. The hard part still for me is stating the road back from boundary breaking...amends and steps; mostly, it's apology, sincere commitment to not violate again, and usually, being willing to explain motivation or something close and intimately held inside them that was underneath the infringement. Doing this for others is really tough, too. I've been really great at remembering to self-care with honesty, attention, consideration and communication whenever I get caught up in what my spouse (or others) are/aren't doing.

Hope this helps. You do not "have to" excuse anyone's behavior. And you don't have to go to the extreme of not excusing means divorcing; not excusing means stating "I feel deep pain by what you did today. I felt disrespected, insignificant, unprotected and not considered when you did ____ (and ____ and _____--no, I'm just kidding)." I felt a lot of anger at WH because I felt the same, that I had to accept his hurtful statements without my weapons of DJ or OA; and that anger wasn't at him, but at myself for not following my code (boundary/standard) and saying, "When you said you might not speak to me for three months and that I would have to live with that, I felt cornered and confused. I would feel punished, unloved and used if that were to happen." Learning to state your truths is really hard, at the time, during an exchange, but staying calm and keeping yourself open and not defensive builds you into the person, with or without yours spouse, who you really want to be.

Sorry I went on so long. Pulling and praying for you, Stid.

LA

LA,
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I'm going to read and think on this. I want to be part of "we" again. Your prayers are appreciated.
S

Hi
I think LA you were right. I did a lot of soul searching. I think this is a very difficult thing. I've created a M that actually never existed with my illusions of how it should be versus how it really was. How do I tell myself the truth? How do I begin to accept life as it is and not as I want it to be? HOw do you get that?
I am spending time in prayer twice a day. I am reading the Bible and self help info. I am learning but how to connect with this...
It just doesn't click.

Gosh, Stid...you get straight to the hardest questions. I really admire you for that. "How do I tell myself the truth?" I've been working on that one, too, approaching it through my standard/boundary of acceptance. I don't know if I'm on the right track myself. I have a hard time defining and separating acceptance (acknowledging without judgment) from judgment itself.

"How do I begin to accept life as it is and not as I want it to be? How do you get that?" After each day, before I go to sleep, I assess what that day's been and see if I could do better or if I did the best I could, through most of the important moments. I find what I did well for myself, for someone else, and where I fell short. I accept what happened as objectively as possible and let it go. You can accept life when all of it you have is right now, this day--and look forward to the next clean slate--in a moment, a day or a week. If I find myself only finding fault each evening, then I know my perspective has slipped or toppled. I can be as honest and gentle with myself as I am with others. I couldn't when I only looked at my H and what he wasn't/was doing all the time.

You're working so hard on your life, celebrate your good intent--to save your marriage and fulfill your life. You wouldn't be able to accept the entirety of your life unless you begin accepting each small part of it. That was my thought. I'm practicing acceptance.

You're so sharp, Stid, and yet I do ache for you. All that energy you're using on behalf of your goal. I felt a lot of resentment during that time in my life. I think it was star*fish who posted a marvelous guide to understanding resentment last year. What I learned was when I feel resentment, it's not because of what someone is not doing/doing, but that I am choosing to give too much/work too hard/go farther than my spouse and then resentment him for it. My choice. So I continued with Bible reading, relationship book consumption and MB for myself. The resentment is mine. When I say, "I resent you for..." I'm not telling myself the truth. "I resent myself for..." is the truth.

You are doing great things for yourself. Maybe the hardest one will be not doing them for a specific result. Just to be the person you are, thoroughly, and with full acceptance and love. That's huge. That's hard for me. I've been trying to be a human being, not a human doing.

I wanted to know if you sent your lovely letter to your H? And did you send the "I want to" list as well? Doing so might be an action to define and demonstrate your boundaries/standards, not to get him to respond. That was the hardest thing for me to understand. If I was the person who made everything happen in my family, then why wouldn't he be/act/say what I wanted him to? Sorry, I'm embarrassed to admit that.

Thinking of you and so glad you replied. You're not alone, crazy, or lost. You're right here.

LA

Hi LA,
I didn't send letter. I wasn't sure it was ready. I'm in a real low time now. I am going on sheer will and it is fading fast.
Your posts have really helped me. I've looked at the resentment part for me. Wouldn't you know I'm in the midst of that. I am now trying to look at me with honesty. What a troublesome task. It makes me want to run far and fast.
Thanks so much for the reassurances. It is warming to my heart.
Stid.

"What a troublesome task."

You're funny even in your real low time. Very cool character trait. What is this low time coming from...cumulative fatigue for the effort and results of your reconcilation to date? Exhaustion from your reading, researching, studying and thought-filled days? I got a surge, initially, after finding MB and reading the literature and the boards. Then I had a drop-off, into a low time, when the realizations of how I was during my marriage even pre-affair (easy to see where I screwed up there). My spirits picked up slowly, yet steadily, when I began stopping all my LBs, even before FWH was responding to the change. Even better, when he responded positively.

I know we're not alive to be happy all the time. However, when doing the hardest time, I felt better knowing that this way, my efforts had rewards.

Be as compassionate with yourself as you have been with others on your honesty journey--give yourself as much respect, forgiveness and love, too.

LA

Life is difficult, again.
I'm just posting because I had a letter from my H and he is willing to go back to OW if we are done. I should have sent the letter. It would have clarified what I am doing. Now what a mess.

IC is helping me with finishing letter so I can send it. That helps. I was ready to file D but that was more as a wakeup call. I don't know if I want to lose H forever.

I forgot to ask IC if this is a site that is familiar. Time will tell.