Hello everyone. I am new to this so please as I ramble my story be patient. I am one confused puppy. About a month ago as I sit in my house I answer the door to a man serving papers on my H for child support on a three year old girl. We've been married 10 years this Wed. Now first off this was only a shock in the matter of there being a C. The affair was not much of a shock since this is not the first time he's had an A. At the time of this A we were almost living apart. His job had moved him and since I was pg I stayed behind to sell the house. As soon as the baby came I moved w/him. But for some reason I could not quit my job so 3 to 4 days out of the week I stayed w/my sister and came home on weekends. Now I have learned that for the first 6 months of our 2nd sons life he was spending every night I was w/my sister with her, in my house and bed no less. This girl was young (19 and a virgin, he was her first) while he was 33. Of course I can see the excitement from his stand point but I am devastated that he had her in my house (not the first time thats happened either). Well this being her first everything she of course fell hard and I feel she got pg on purpose to try and force him to leave me. Of course he didn't he was using her for sex only. Hes had no contact with OC. He's never even seen her. Now that is also touchy because we have 3 boys and of course she gets the girl. He hasn't done DNA yet (June 3) but I have seen her and feel she is his. He claimes he does not want anything to do with either of them and in a small way I am glad he wants no contact with OC. However if we pay child support it will devastate our family. I quit my job last year when the 4th unexpected baby came along, so we do live pay check to pay check. My H however has a job where he makes pretty good but he does not bring home pretty good. We just get by. But three lawyers have told me by the guidelines in this messed up state she could get as much as 600 a month for the one. And I've learned that the first court order wins, so if she gets her's in first she'll get 600 for one where as I'll get 900 for three. It appears that no one cares he's married and that this was an A or even that we have three kids. I think all that should matter in the courts. All I seem to get from most is poor child. I feel this was her mothers mistake and stupidity. Of course my husband holds some blame but I am tired of these women blaming them. You know the "I didn't crawl on top of my self and get pregnant". First to those of you who our OW, thats a lame excuse. You and only you are in control of your body. We are the only species on earth who can conciously control our number of off spring. Men are just being men. They don't think about babies because they don't carry them. The concept of children does not enter their minds like it does ours when having sex (not to mention she told him she was on bc but just had a baby by another man and was suppossidly on bc then to. HHHM!). And the man has no say in if you keep or don't keep the baby. Thats your choice so when you keep it don't get even by making sure wife and kids know. Your just hurting innocent children.
Back to me. Still everywhere I turn all I hear is it"s none of my business and it's not my money and I have no right to try and keep him from the OC. I told him that I would not have the OC in mine or my kids lives. So now the only way I can keep her from getting a large sum of money is to leave him and file first. I don't want a divorce due to my sons adore their father and for the most part our marriage isn't that bad. Not to mention I have 13 years invested in him and his BS. Its nice to know that I have finally found a place where I am not reading how everyone thinks the wife is the awful person for not wanting anything to do with the OC. I mean she's not my problem. I don't understand why everyone feels I should play weekend mommy to her. I do think its sad that she'll grow up without a father but we all have our problems don't we? If there is anyone with any feedback please talk to me. This is hard to think about every day without an outlet. Friends and family really only want to say leave the [censored]. I'm trying to think of four children who this will severly affect. I mean if I leave him it's like they lost both parents since I'll have to work my butt off to survive. Thanks for listening people in the same boat as me.

There is no way to get out of paying CS if the child is his.
The courts dont care if the child is from an affair or not. They dont care if the man has other children or not. That is just the way it is.
We lost our home and van and had to file bancruptcy because of it.
Has your husband had any type of counseling? I think he needs it. You said this wasnt his first affair, Then I would tell him if he wants to rebuild your marraige he needs counceling. He needs to find out what is lacking in himself that allows him to go outside your marraige. I also think it would benifit you to have counceling as well. I know you are not going to like what I am about to say but I have to say it, NO ONE STUCK A GUN TO YOUR H"S HEAD AND MADE HIM ***** THE OW. He did that all on his own. The best way to prevent pregnancy is to keep the stupid thing in your pants. He is as much to blame as the OW. He had a choice. He choose wrong. That is all on him.
I dont think it is awful that you want nothing to do with the OC. there are several people here who believe that NO CONTACT is best. Others on here do have contact. the 2 of you have to do what is best for you and your family. Only the 2 of you can decide what that is.

Lori

Hi. Welcome to the board. You have come to the right place. People here will listen, share their experiences, offer advice but not judged you for what you decide to do in the end. This is a very safe place to vent, ask questions, and get sympathtic support. Unfortunately, those of us on this board know exactly how you feel. So I'm glad you have found this board -- it has been a HUGE help to me.

You are in a tough position -- you feel like you have been hit by a train emotionally and there are life changing decisions to be made. It's not easy. Everything you are feeling is completly normal. You will find one day you are doing okay and the next you are in a pit -- it is a real rollercoaster ride. That's normal -- so don't blame yourself for your array of emotions.

It really stinks how CS is figured out in the courts. But that's the way it is. In our case, OW gets more in CS because I stayed married than if I had gotten divorced. It seems like such a pile of crap that if you do get divorced in my state the courts see the OC as "of the marriage" and my child support is altered for that even though HELLO??? this kid isn't FROM my marriage. I have often thought the BW on this board should start a movement to have some of these child support laws changed. But for now, it's the law of the land. So scream with the rest of us. It sucks!

Right now -- take care of you. You have alot of emotions to work through plus the daily tasks of your kids. Love on them extra -- it will be good for you too. Just focus on now and riding some of these emotional waves. There is planty of time to make those big decisions. Just let all of this soak in and start to sort through it in your heart and mind.

There is no right or wrong answer to your sitch -- there is only what you can do. No one can prove that C or NC is the right choice, no one can prove that you should stay or go,etc. It is easy for family and friends to jump in with "Well, you should . . . I would . .. " but they don't truly know your pain. They love you and want you to jump back to happiness so they are thinking of you but they just don't really know. You will have to decide what you can handle (C or NC w/ OC), see how that matches up w/ H, go from there.

Initially I responded like you -- I don't want to get divorced because of my kids, but I NEVER want anything to do with OC. Over the course of several months, SLOWLY I have changed and have seen OC twice and plan on visitation starting soon. But it has taken a lot of work with H to get to this point -- it is more what he has done over time to prove his dedication to me above all that has made it possible for me to even consider C. That's my story but like I said earlier you willhave to make those choices for what works for you.

Hang in there -- it will be better one day. Keep posting.

Beth

Hi Crazed, I agree with you completely, this was a total shock to me. I'm being punshed because I'm staying married??? So 3 children should be hurt so one can have a better life??? whatever. I figured out that if I filed first and got alimony (which I SURELY would have) her payments would have been about $200 less a month. We even considered filing for separation (you don't have to be separated) to lessen her payments, but I decided against it on principle. Some people don't have a choice. If it's that bad of a situation financially, I say work the sytem if it won't work for you. JMHO! I also personally believe what you say about women getting pregnant. I am a woman and there's no way I'm getting pregnant unless I want to. At age nineteen I may not have been able to say I would have been so smart though.Naivety is not an excuse, just an observation.

I also agree with everything ttmiw and Tylorstepmom have said. This is a very emotional time and you will go through all kinds of anger. H definitely needs IC, you certainly will too and of course, MC. I just don't think in the beginning recovery is possible w/o it. Of course this means more $$, but maybe H gets a part-time job, sells a "toy" or does what he has to do to support this OC. In our case we refinanced and H and I switched to a high deductible insurance. There may be other ways you can find to lessen your expenses. I will be getting a part-time job this fall, butwe needed the income B$ this happened, so I'm looking at it that way. I've designated my income to go towards my school expenses and my children's extras and prefer to look at it that way, NOT like I'm paying for this child. Good luck to you. It's a hard row to hoe, but with proper attention on H's part and good communication between you, you can get through this! HUGS

Hello,
Consider filing for a fax separation and file for child support yourself. The laws are changing in some states that they have to take in account all the children. It all depends on your state. There are some people her that filed and stayed together in order to make the payments lowered. Your husband just has to have a sepearte address in some states you can just set up a P O Box. In my state they do consider the children of the marriage. However, it would not be as much probably has if I file for child support. look into the laws of your state. Some states have changed the laws there are court cases that went to the state supreme court and ruled that the child support laws were unconstitutional and they have to consider all the children.


How is your marriage? IS Your H still cheating on you? Are you working on rebuilding your marriage? I would read the principles on this site.

Dawn

Thanks for the feedback. It feels great typing with someone else who UNDERSTANDS. What state are you guys in because it sounds as if we may live in the same state. Im in South Carolina. Anyway I'd like to respond to the three wonderful ladies who have responded.
Tylorsstepmom I agree no one made him have sex. But let me explain where my crazy mind is. First off she lied to him about being on BC. He never lied to her about being married. See to me what makes these OW or OM more the fault is they do all this on purpose. When you have a married person w/children basically asking for sex you should be smart enough to see he's asking you to be his ****. This ring makes me his wife. It makes them the ****. So when they do the things they do such as get pg on purpose they are going out to hurt people. Now we the wives we'll be ok oneday. But the children won't. So to me they are intentionally hurting children, ours and theirs. I see it like if you get in your car and you hit someone and they die it was an accident. You never meant to hurt anyone. But if you get in your car and you mean to run someone over and kill them then your a murderer. To me same difference with the Ow. And by reading most of these boards these OW are not sorry or remorseful, their just out to hurt. I mean we can all make mistakes, them to, but not yet have I seen a post where anyone has said "me and the OW are friends and were trying to make this as easy as possible on everyone". I even met my OW and her kid. She claimed how young and dumb she was. She wished she could make it up to me and she wanted her kid to know her siblings and father. That she was willing to work with us on the child supportand all. Played it off nice as can be. Now she won't return my calls or anything. But I've also seen most of the H's are trying to make right what they did wrong. I know my H never intended for her to get PG nor did he think I would find out (she told him she would never hurt me or his kids she just wanted him to know he had a kid in case he wanted something to do with her. She said she would never tell me. And she said she didn't want anything from him concerning the OC. Yeh). You know most men believe that what they don't know won't hurt em. Yes he was wrong. Very wrong, but if I had to label blame it's 80% OW/OM 20% H.
Tryingtomakeitwork thanks for all the kind words and advice. Very sweet.
colddayinjuly and dawn71 I see you two know where I come from. I have a meeting today with my attorney to get paperwork started on my alimony and child support. I refuse to let her come in and receive almost a 1000 a month for no other reason then screwing my H. Shoot I've been doing it for 13 years. I will not let her beat me. I tried to do it the right way but it kept coming up with me getting screwed so now I'm doing what I must. Won't she be surprised when the day comes and she thinks she's getting a load only to get maybe 200. And I'm not doing this to be a bee-otch. I'm making sure my kids get what they need. If we pay her that much that will literally be taking food from their mouths. And let me set the record straight about me not working. I can't work at this time due to my children. I had a fab job that I loved and was at 10 years. I quit last year because one of my children has special needs and it required me to be a full time mom. So no I am not against working, I just can't right now.
As far as my marriage. Well he's still breathing. We actually do good. Sad to say that so much has happened in the past this is just par for course. I do intend to get him help. He has alot of issues from childhood which I think accounts for alot of his wondering. He was sexually, physically, and mentally abused by his parents when he was young. I have no doubts that he loves me but I realize he loves me as much as he can love someone. Some people don't realize that really makes a difference in how you handle these affairs. It took me to have a complete breakdown, alot of self help books and research to realize he's really not that bad he's just got issues and those issues and his affairs do not represent me. And besides his affairs he is a wonderful person. He treats me good. He's not mentally or verbally abusive. He gives me control of every dime he makes. He's a wonderful father to our boys. He's a great lover(obviously). Besides cheating the only other thing I hate about him is he's hard to talk to. Not a great worker outer but I am working on that to. Thanks for listening.

I know you are in a hard spot right now. But do you think that by laying most of the blame on the OW is going to fix it? It doesn't matter if she was on Bc or not. Your H knew he was married and should have kept it in his pants. Both your H and Ow are to balme 50/50. Besides, no BC is 100% effective. Not to be mean, but didn't you post that your 4th child was unexpected??

You H really needs to get some counseling. Especially since this isn'this first affair. Don't be surprised if you get a knock on the door and he is being sued again for Cs.

Again, best of luck. You are in my prayers

Crazymum thanks for the feedback. I love this. I can discuss this touchy topic without getting the "oh here we go again" look. I respect your opion on the OW. Most people feel the way you do. I'm just saying that to me these OW/OM know what they are getting into and still do it all on purpose. The H to me are just being men (I'm sure I'll get feedback on that comment). But I honestly feel that it's just nature of the beast. Men cheat. Period. Some are just better and more discreet. Mine is obviously stupid because he keeps letting these girls fall for him. I keep telling him that women are vindictive and when all is said and done they are going for the revenge. These others KNOW from jump start that these men are liars and cheaters and full of **** but yet they feel thay have the right to try and be anything more then what they are. A piece of ***. But yet when they realize thats what they were then they actually have the nerve to act all done wrong. Come on people use a brain. I've been hit on by married men and my first thought everytime was "PIECE OF ****". No matter how nice or good looking or how much money he had. How does anyone think anything good will come out of sleeping with a married man? Let alone think this is the guy for me. Hell if he's cheating with you then he'll cheat on you. Now if the man or woman lies to the other and does not tell them they are married then I feel that the spouse is 100% at fault. As for my fourth yes he was a SURPRISE!!!! I had my tubes tied. But after meeting this girl I got the impression she's just looking for someone to take care of her. She just had another baby that she said she was on bc as well. Once maybe. Twice, come on. As far as the **** she feed me about she needs the child support is funny to me to. I mean she can't take care of her daughter (with state help I might add) but she can afford to drive five hours and pay for a hotel just to ***** my H. She's just mad that her plan did not work and instead of saying I screwed up it's I'll show him. And yes I have always waited for this knock and no I wouldn't be surprised if another showed up. I guess thats why I'm not to shook up. I have always had a feeling this was coming.

Crazed,

When I was in my affair, in the begining, I didn't know what I was doing. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was married as was the OM. Later in the affair, I started to do things on purpose. But in the begining, no.

As for the men cheat comment, that is pure BS!!!! You are just giving your H and excuse for what he does. It seems you are condoning it. Cheating is wrong, weither it be the man or woman doing it. In no way shape or form is cheating right in my book.

As for shild support, it is for the child, not the OW. My H pays child support for a child he had from an affair. I believe that child deserves it. It is not the childs fault that they were brought here by 2 selfish people.

crazymum thanks for your input but first off I am NOT condoning anything. He's a dog. I'm not in denial. But if you feel that ALL men don't cheat then you are in denial. Like I said before some are better then others. Some may take 20 years before they cheat some just jump out the gate. As far as the child support goes NO this OC DOES NOT deserve to receive all that money. It does not deserve to receive MORE money then my three simple because it's mother is a **. My children deserve more and just because she filed first does not mean she should win. I mean I SHOULDN"t have to file. I am his wife. Me and my own are being punished because we are doing what we are suppose to be doing. A sperm donation a family does not make. Men don't want children from their *****. Do you think my children should suffer because this OW tried to trap him by getting pg? She does not care about her own D, hell the kid basically lives with the grandparents,not the mother. Like I said this OW just wants someone to take care of her. Her filing cs was simply her way of letting me know about the affair. But I can see where your coming from since you obviously had no problem sleeping with a married man. What type of things did you do on purpose once into the affair? Were you vindictive and purposly trying to hurt the wife, who by the way has done nothing to you. Why do all OW feel the wife is the enemy. Were not the ones degrading ourselves or lying or anything else yet all of you feel were the wrong ones. I'm no saint but I by no means deserve some ***** who does not even know me try to hurt me or my three innocent children. As far as her kid goes your right it's not the kids fault but it's not my childrens fault either. And I feel for the OC since I am one myself. My mother was my fathers *****. And the wife abused me. I can say that I hold no ill will toward her. It WAS NOT right that my father forced me upon her. And it's not right that I should be expected to be the kind loving stepmom to someone I could care less about. I have my own children to worry about. I am not trying to be harsh or mean or anything. I just feel that this woman made a huge mistake trying to trap my H and made a bigger mistake trying to take me on. To all those OW out there be careful who you piss off because sometimes the wives fight back. Were not all intemidated by a cheap piece of ***. Trust me my H's OW is about to find out she opened Pandora's box messing with me and my own. I refuse to be a victim. I WILL fight for myself. As far as the husband goes trust me MR. Sex Addict is not getting off easy either. He'll be paying but it'll be me he's paying most. She'll get a little but a very little. I know this post will make alot mad. Thats not my intention. I just will not have someone try and tell me that I am blind or stupid. Come on ladies if you think about it WE, the wives, have the upper power. I plan to screw her and my husband at the same time. I refuse to cry or feel sorry for myself for being the decent human being. But I still love debating this with everyone. I'm just a very straight forward person who say's what I mean and mean's what I say. Of course you know what they say about opions. Keep the comments coming. Just beware I hold no bars back but I don't mean to be rude so if I come off that way, SORRY. I know somehow we are all in the same boat.

All men CAN cheat, just like all women CAN cheat too. From reading the Harleys books, I've come to believe that ANYONE given the right (wrong?) set of circumstances is liable to give in to temptation. Now of course anyone who does it once is much, much more likely to do so again -- they've already broken through the moral restraints once and they never get tied up as tightly again, UNLESS there are SERIOUS life-changing top-to-bottom measures taken... like the Harleys describe. Marriages CAN be made virtually affair-proof, but it takes two people willing to commit everything in their lives to making the marriage #1.

I'm sorry if I've missed something... do you or your husband want to work on the marriage? Is divorce being considered as a "tactical" move in light of CS, or a decision that the relationship can't be saved? Because this forum is a testament to the fact that it can be, and even be a better marriage than ever, if you both are willing. That being said, I respect your resolve and determination to do what's best for you and your kids.

I guess the main thing I'd caution you about is that through all this you protect your children's relationship with their dad. I realize you're venting here, so I probably shouldn't read too much into the tone of everything, but there's no such thing as an amicable divorce and in your zeal to "screw" him over I hope you can shelter your children from the emotions between you and H.

Waslost71 your right about anyone can cheat, man or woman. I guess my point on all men cheat is that the main and sometimes only reason they cheat is sex. I think most (95%) of women cheat for other reasons then sex. I mean how many times do you hear of nuns having sex yet it's common for priests. I just don't think men look at affairs like women do. Thats why most of the time women are a complete emotional mess while men have that "yes it was wrong but whats the big deal?" attitude. Men have a different outlook on life. If you've never watched the Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus tapes you should. It will really open your eyes on HOW different the two sexes are. Now yes I am only venting on this board. My children or for that fact even my husband has not seen me really upset or angry or much of anything about this. My friends and family swear I have plans to kill him in his sleep or something just because I am to calm. As far as our marriage goes right now I am to busy dealing with attorneys and court dates about this CS to focus on the marriage. I am awaiting my attorney to call me with a court date for MY cs and alimony. I AM getting my cs established first. Like I said before no ho is walting into my life and steal from my children because she was stupid enough to get pg by MM. Once all cs is established and my H see's the OC for the first time will decide if we try to save this marriage or not. I think once he sees his D from her he's gonna change. He's never seen her where as I have. He's always wanted a girl and I feel he's gonna melt. He should see her for the first time next Thursday. At this point and time he says he wants nc. If he changes his mind then I know the marriage will have to end. I know its very unfair of me to feel or say that but life is about choices. His choice is to see and deal with OC or not. And my choice is to stay married and deal with OC or not. I think people get confused and feel because the H have these OC then us as women, mothers, and wives should deal with the OW and OC. Like it's our duty. I just don't feel that the OW or OC are my problem. I refuse to live the rest of my life dealing with them. I am only dealing with the CS issue because that will affect what my children get for the next 17 years. At this time I also don't want my three boys to know of their "sister". I am a firm beliverer that children follow in their parents footsteps. I mean my husbands father is a discusting man. Has cheated on and still cheats on his wife of 40 years. See the pattern. So by telling my boys about OC just opens that door to see daddy did it and moms ok with it. Thats what my H and his siblings see from their parents. Like I said before I am an OC. My dad had 5 children by his wife. Me by the mistress. I was at one point close to my oldest brother but three of the five I don't know and could care less. I mean they could walk up to me right now and I wouldn't know them. So I don't feel that they will be missing out on anything other then the knowledge that their dad is a lying cheater. I guess there is a part of me that is very resentful that she had the girl. I mean we tried five times(2 miscarriages boys as well) and all I got was boys (not complaining I love my little monsters), so YES it bothers me HUGE that she (OW) gave him something I didn't. My post last night was a lot ventfull sorry had just got home in foul mood and had some drinks in me. I mean today is our tenth anniversary and its anything but great. Thanks for listening all.

Crazedmomma,
I am in SC also. e-mail me and let me know how your situation is going?? I'm curious because in my situation w/o alimony (and I have no way of knowing how much that would have been) her payments wouldn't have been lessened that much. Look forward to hearing from you.

steph11@sc.rr.com

At the beginning of your post you said this girl was a virgin and got pregnant on purpose to keep him then later in the post you say she had a child by another man. ???

It's not this child's fault that she was conceived in adultery and has the same needs to survive that children have who are born within the bounds of marriage. If he didn't want a child, he should have seen to birth control. You criticize them at the same time you admit a 4th child that was a mistake.

This was not the first time your husband has been unfaithful and she being only 19 and if true she was a virgin at 19, it seems that she is the second most innocent (the child being the truly most innocent.) He used her and threw her away. Loser.

This child will suffer the most from the idiocracy of the adults involved in her life. It's a shame. To get out of supporting this child and denying her the relationship with her father is cruel and will come back to haunt you. Your children as well as her daughter will suffer. While I can understand your pain and anger, consider yourself in this girl's place or consider the suffering of your children as well as hers. It would be the mature and healthy thing to work together for the benefit of all the children. They'll learn from your example...

To JPH:

The title of her original post was "Need Someone who Doesn't Think I'm Awful." She came here looking for support and validation of her feelings about learning there is an OC. If all you had for her was criticism perhaps you should have refrained from posting.

jph let me set some things straight. First off she claimes my H was her first, she got pg but was on bc. And then she had another child this past March by yet another guy she claimes she was on bc but yet managed to do it again.
As far as my fourth child is concerned I NEVER said he was a mistake. I said he was a SHOCK because I had my tubes tied.
Are you saying that you feel the adultress and her illigtimate child are more innocent then myself and my children? I would think we are the most innocent. We were doing as we were suppose to. She knew she was screwing a MM and she knew he wanted no children from her. How is she so innocent? And as far as him using her thats her fault. People can only use you as much as you let them. If she hadn't known he was married with a family then yes I would agree with you. But she jumped in eyes wide open. He told her he was never leaving me. So the fact she kept screwing him is her stupidity.
Lastly I never denied him the right to see this OC. That is his choice. However it's my choice whether I deal with OC/OW. And I refuse to deal with them. IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. Where is the law written that the wife who's been done wrong HAS to be this wonderful person to the OC? Her mother knew she was having an unwanted kid. But funny everyone wants to blame the man. He's the loser huh? The OW is just so innocent. Like I said in a past post if the man does not lie and basically lets you know your a piece of [censored] then don't act all shocked and hurt when you get treated for what you are. And in the last 3 years she has not once asked my H for support or visitation but she has asked for the occasional screw. What kind of person does that make her? Still so sweet and innocent? As far as support goes yeh I guess she deserves something but not so much that I have to wonder how I am going to feed my children. And exactly how will my children suffer if we have no c? As far as me putting myself in her place I can't because I would never sleep with a MM much less get pg by him. What does a MM have to offer me? But you have your opion and I respect that. But not one person on this board is going to make me feel sorry for either of them. The mother made the choice to put her kid in this situation. She told my H that she knew he was married and wanted nothing from him. It was her choice to have this kid and she would live with it. I would think that NC in most ways would be better. The mother can tell the kid anything she wants. But if he gets contact then the OC knows she was a mistake (at least on her fathers part) and that her mom is a ho and her dad is a lying cheater. Thats a lot for a person to know. Like I said I grew up as the OC and from personal expierence and all the reading I've done on this site and a site concerning the OC I have as of yet read anything that was great that C was established. The OC is torn between a mother who is mostly using them to control/hurt the dad and or to just hurt the wife (like she deserves it). Its a legal and emotional battle for all involved. So maybe some need to think is it really in the best interest for ALL people involved that visitation is established?
Any hoo whats your story? I don't believe I've come across yours yet. I don't know I've read so much I could have. I'm just curious to how your expierence pushes your judgement.

Oh, I have so much I could say to you jph. But first of all, is a pregnancy ever really "a mistake". We all know where baby's come from. Unless someone has had a vasectomy or tubal ligation, then that is a genuine "I had no idea!" Otherwise, I would question that. BC isn't 100% but then you can't really take a person's word for it because ther's no way to prove they used itproperly. When I got pregnant with my first child H and I were not married. I knew I was taking a chance, but never meant to conceive. H was exstatic, I wasn't so sure about it. My point is that I would have never taken the chance to have someone's baby that I wasn't willing to. Funny how for 15 years prior to my first child I never made that "mistake". We all know how women's minds work and though I don't think my 31 year old OW "meant" to get pregnant, she surely knew how to NOT. AND, she'd already had an abortion, so she had that option as well. In the end the only answer is She wanted his baby. It was her choice and only her choice. So why do I have a responsibility or H for that matter to accept this child into our lives. The outcome of any child is the attitude of the parents, in some cases the mother is the only active parent. If H chooses not to be involved, that was NOT her choice to make. She can go find another man to be "daddy" to her child, an sperm donor does not a father make.

I don't want to make waves, but your comment about the OW being innocent hit a nerve. She was 19 not 10. She knows what causes babies and has every oppertunity to prevent herself from becoming pregnant. I have a stong belief that women have to take responsibility of their own bodies. That girl has no one to blame but herself (with a little help from a MM) for the situation she is in. If she was not on BC then she need to say no, "not without a condom". She kenw it was a possibility when she had sex with that man without BC or protection.

I became sexually active at 18 and I was mature enough to tell my now H no when we had no protection. And I have been on BC since I was 19. It was not hard and my parenets didn't know about. If this girl was sexually active there is no excuse for her not being on BC.

That is just my opinion and we are all entitled to our own. But as far as I am concerned the only innocent people in these messed up situations are the children (I don't even consider myself a BS as innocent).

She's 19 years old! Most people that age have little understanding of the complications of life. Your husband was a married 33 year old repeat cheater and he as you said was using her for sex. Now if that isn't a loser I don't know what is!

The oc/ow IS your problem if you decide to stay married to him. You say you shouldn't have to be a wonderful person to this child because you've done nothing wrong-what has the child done wrong? (even brandy said she didn't consider herself innocent)

I would think if you had been in this situation, you would have some compassion for this child. As I said, the children are the main concern but there's so much anger and blame, I'm afraid they'll get lost in all of it.

No matter how much you don't like it, he's the father of this child and has the responsibility of support. The only sure way of not having children is to obstain from sex so both parties are of equal blame in that matter. Only a fool would have relied on the statement of another about birth control.

I too felt it unfair that my family suffered because of the actions of my h and xow but life is not fair. (My life became much easier when I realized that fact.) The law is very clear about requiring parents to support their children. I know you are very frustrated, angry and threatened but instead of spewing out this venom, try to calm down and realize it all has to be dealt with. Remember you're modeling for your children how to behave as an adult. You've got a horrible situation and forced to deal with a loser...would you want your children to have a spouse with the character (or lack of character) that your husband has...think about it.

Crazedmomma has every right to come here and "spew her venom" as you put it to vent. Venting all those ugly thoughts about OW can be helpful in the healing process. When a person is expressing their feelings about their sitch, they don't need another person to shoot down everything they say. Exercise some compassion. We are here to listen and encourage one another -- not attack someone's intial feelings after finding out about an OW/OC. This post isn't a debate about a 19 yr. old girl or birth control. It is
a betrayed woman starting to sort through all that has happened and express some pain.

As the old saying goes "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."