Hello,

I've been posting for the last few days in the 'just found out' forum but was told to come here as there is more 'traffic'.

Here's a summery of my sitch:

Nearly two months ago my H of 11 years (we have 2 Ds 12 and 5) announced he had been having an affair with a woman from work since just before Christmas and that he was leaving me for her. He did just that the very next day, and moved in with her.

He has told everyone about their R, and has set her up as his 'partner' and not his mistress. All his collegues and friends know, and both our families.

I have had a lot of support from the people here, but at the moment I feel as if I am wasting everyone's time. I can't see how my M can be saved as H is the one who walked out, and is now happily living with OW. If he'd had an affair, but wanted to stay, I could see hope of repair, but I feel there is none.

We had so much together which he has just forgotten about; he has rewritten the history of our marriage and from the things he says about me and my role in the R he must hate me. I had no idea he felt this way about things and most of it is out of the blue.

I feel I should just give him the divorce he wants and move on with my life. What's to save? He won't even talk to me now, except when the children are around. I feel like thrown out garbage.

Hi Alphin, I am sure sorry you are here. Do you have financial protections in place? Is he supporting your kids?

Why do you think he was unhappy in your marriage? Did he feel he was treated well at home? What happened? How did you treat him when he told you about the affair?

Hi Alphin !

I copied this reply across from Just Found Out

Alphin its for sure that if you don't fight, you lose by default.

And there are many situations where WS have left home which have ended with a rstored marrige.

You're just not in a mood to search for them.

Remember that most recovered people leave this forum after a while as theyre just living a good loving married life.

The stories most easily found on here are the recent hence troubled ones.

Even the main example in 'surviving an affair' involved a VERY infatuated WS leaving to live with OM. Many Marriages here have even recovered when there have been children with OP !

Even clueless brummies like me can rescue their M Alph.

You have to stiffen up yourself and STUDY.

Information will calm you, as you'll see MOST marriages recover from infidelity.


all blessings

Hi Melody,

Thanks for your reply.

When he left I told him I didn't want anything from him, but he is paying for the house and bills at the moment.

I didn't think we were particularly unhappy, although the physical side had waned since the birth of Younger D. I did know this was a problem, we both did but both just buried our heads in the sand about it, hoping it would get better. We've also had financial problems since we got married - these were made worse by me trying to set up a business and this failing.

These were the problems I was aware of - but now he says I never supported him in his work (he's a teacher, so is OW) because I never came to the school to see his concerts (music teacher). We had agreed together that we would wait until Younger D was a little older before I came along because school is 20 miles away from where we live and concerts were always late at night. We both agreed this! He's also in a band, plays blues - now he says that since we had kids I never came to see him play, but I thought I was giving him space to 'be out with the boys' when he had a gig. He'd never mentioned this before either.

He says there's nothing between us now but the children. When I was pregnant with Elder D we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom and he would be the breadwinner. I have had small part time jobs over the years but they were shop jobs and things like that - I never had a career which used the two degrees that I have. I was happy to do this - our children are beautiful, top of class in school, and well adjusted. I'd always thought that missing out on a career early on was a small price to pay for having great kids. Now H says that I've wasted my life, my brains and my Masters degree (other people would kill for a qualification like that, and you've just chucked it all away, he said). He said that our kids would have been just the same if we'd put them in daycare and I'd worked full time.

I put on some weight after I'd had the kids, and tried to diet to be more attractive for him (to kick-start the lovelife again). Now he mocks my efforts, and says that the way I looked was never important anyway.

I thought we got on really well at home - we had so much in common. I guess we did neglect making time for each other - so easy to do when you have kids, though every week I would try to make a special dinner just for us and send the kids to bed early. When we went out it was always with the children. I loved that, but I know I should have made more time just for him. He says now that I never made any effort at all, whenever we did go out together it was always him that found the sitter. It's true, but all the people I know have young kids, and H knows a lot of single people who don't have those kinds of ties. Again, this problem was news to me.

When he told me about the affair, I was numb. I didn't shout or scream, and I didn't beg him to stay, because he sounded so determined it was pointless. I haven't said a single bad word about the OW to him. I've asked him why, and he gave me all the stuff I've written above, condensed into 'we just don't have the same world view anymore'. He said he cared a great deal about he, but was 'in love' with the OW.

I asked him what about the kids? He said it was better this way for everyone, because they couldn't be happy when their parents weren't. I said: but they're happy now! He said yes, but they wouldn't be if things carried on any longer. He said he wanted us all to be happy. I was just so stunned by this comment I couldn't say anything more.

H and OW have moved into an appartment about 1/2 away from me so he can see the kids regularly. He was a great father to him, and they both adore him. This has devastated them. They see him about three times a week, and he calls them a lot.

That's all I can think of at the moment. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself from the other thread.

Alphin.

Hello Mr Pure,

I've really been ok the last few days, just having a bad day today. Thanks for peppin' me up!

I'm waiting for my first income support money to come through before I buy the book - I know I have to read it. Should be through by Thursday, then I'm straight onto Amazon!

Alph.

Your WH affair will most certainly do his career a world of good. I'm sure the school system would love to know that two of their teachers are engaged in an affair. I can't imagine that all their fellow teachers are happy about it.

Your WH sounds like all the others. He's rewritting history, ignoring your kids needs and trying to set himself up for the "good life". And it's all your fault because you've gained a few pounds, raised his wonderful kids, and haven't supported his career properly. I suppose you are also getting the ever-popular "we have drifted apart" and "I love you but I'm not in love with you" explainations.

Good luck. MB is the place to be.

Why yes!

Are they all so predictable? If they are, does anyone know how likely the A is to last - I've heard it isn't very likely to.

Alph.

Alphin, this is why you need to research ! Most affairs don;t last long after exposure, and even persistent affairs don;t stumble on for long after that after being busted.

And the jig is for you to be a REALLY good place for him to crash land when it all goes tits up.

Be a lighthouse to a safe place.

To do that you have to be strong and informed.

all blessings !

Sadly, yes, these WS all say the same words. Reading posts here on MB is a real deja vu.

(((((((((Alph))))))

I am reading at much as I can - and I certainly appreciated the post you left me this morning Mr Pure, very very informative. Can I ask another question?

I've heard that there are different types of affair, and one is an 'exit' affair, where the WS uses the affair just to leave the marriage. Does my WH's affair sound like one of these, and does this mean that he's really through with the relationship?

Alph.

My GREAT friend KiwiJ's A was an 'exit' A. And she is now recovered and in love with her H and he with her like never before. They turned a tragedy into a true love story. And their sit was HORRIBLE too.

Don't look for things to scare you. Just look at the facts.

Your WH is talking affair fog gibberish like they all do and has abandoned his family commitments like they all do.

Theres every chance he will return home with his tail between his legs like most do, but you need to be stronger and better informed darl'.

You CAN do this. Its gonna be hard but you can do it.

I've read a lot about your sitch, Mr Pure.

The first couple of weeks after H left it felt like this was the worst thing that had happened to anyone, ever.

Now I read your sitch, and you were even more messed up than I was - and look at you now!

I do have some hope. But I know I need to work on knowledge (as you said) and making myself strong for my own sake, and my children's, so it's great if H comes back, but OK if he doesn't.

Alph.

My H did said all the things your did. Only difference is that he denied the A until confronted with clear evidence. We had moved out a few different times the third time was not an apartment buy in with the OW's house after her divorce.

We are recovered.

Follow the plans here. Exposure, plan A, plan B. It is too bad didn't find out about the A longer before he moved out so you didn't have the chance to plan A while he was still in the home.

Your situation is not hopeless. You don't just give up...you fight. Sometimes it takes a while for it to run it's course, or for reality to set in. You want him to feel the reality of his choices and to see that just maybe he hasn't made the best choice by having this A.

Is OW married? Does she have children?

Be the sane one here. Be firm, loving, calm, steady in your communications with him. Do not beg, whine, or plead. Keep your head about you. Admit and apologize for your part in the conditions of your marriage pre-A, but it was not your fault that he chose to have an A. It was solely his choice to not deal within your marriage. He made the selfish, wrong choice to have an A. It doesn't reflect well on HIS character. It is easy to just blame the BS for their turning to someone else to push the guilt away from themselves.

Do what you can to gather your strength and arm yourself with knowledge.

And pray, pray, and pray for more. God answers prayer.

Alphin,

Hello and I am too sorry that you are here. If I didn't know any better I would say that you are me! I wrote the same exact story on here one year ago in February. My FWH left me for the OW. He didn't live with her but he stayed with her. It was an exit affair also. I found out many things about myself when he left. I was just like you...numb. I didn't scream or fight or anything. I just sat there with my mouth wide opened. I know your pain and when I read your post I could feel it through my veins like it was happening to me all over again. There is something about going through that kind of trauma that makes you relive it through other people. I try not to post anymore or read here often because it is so painful. I did however feel drawn to your story due the similarities in our stories.

My H told me everything that yours is saying to you right now. Except mine was even worse, telling me that OW was better in bed and so on. It wasn't long before their little "romance" was out in the open and it started to not be so good. Does OW have children of her own? That was on of the things that my H couldn't stand about OW was her kid. He was unruly and therefore my H wasn't around when he was. The one thing I can tell you is not to worry about the things he says to you. It is best to say mhmmm and leave it at that. I asked my H about the things he said to me and he said that almost everything he said wasn't true but by saying those things it made him feel better about his affair. They will do anything to justify how they are feeling while in the "fog" of the OP.

My H wasn't coming back either, he wanted a D. He wanted to sell the house and not be married. Since our S was born and he has been such a handful our M was no good and so on. He left in February and by May things weren't so good with OW. In Sept we decided to start working on our M and see if it could work. We did IC and MC. I am still in IC as the A has been hard for me to work through. Our marriage is better than it was before the A. Not to say I am sending her thank you cards. He has NC with her at all. In fact he can't stand her now. He has no idea why he did what he did. If anyone ruins our recovery it will be me and my hurt feelings.

So don't give up hope. And don't walk away from MB. It can work and it has worked. Follow all the plans as indicated if you really want to try to get your M back. Get the book Surviving an Affair, and also HN/HN and read them both. Work the plan A for a while, and if that doesn't work then go to Plan B.

Work on yourself. Get your hair done, get some sexier/nicer clothes. Get your nails done. Go to the gym or lose extra lbs if you need to. If you are ready to go to work find a good job. Do things for yourself. Make changes in yourself for yourself and he will notice. When you are to see him look your absolute best. Wear lipstick and a low cut nice shirt. Be the flirty you instead of the motherly you. That is the one thing I found that happened to me after becoming a SAHM I lost myself as a woman. I found out you can be a woman and a mom. I was taking my motherhood to the bedroom with me and on outings without the kids. I have learned to separate them now. Because before I was a mother I was a woman and I was lots of fun. I am again and you will be too. Work on yourself. Get some counseling and some AD if you need to. Eat right and get as much sleep as you can.

My FWH also paid all the bills the whole time he was in his A and I let him. He went broke trying to pay for two places and have fun with her at the same time. Things will get better. I promise. Everyone told me that in the beginning and I didn't believe they ever would. A few months after he left I was on my own and loving life and myself.

Hugs and prayers to you and your kids. ^O^

HINY

^^bump for vets and alphin^^

Alphin, maybe I missed this part but have you exposed the A?

Alphin

Just a bit of clarification, not that it matters, but not all WS say the same things. I am a WS and I didn't say some of the things attributed to "all of us" nor did I foresake my family for the OW(although our children are grown). Of course that is no comfort to you. But what others here especially Bob's response have been excellent.

Your H did not leave his bad habits at your house nor did he leave his hateful attitude the OW will discover that and hopefully so will he. He thinks the children haven't been hurt but as you have said they are devastated.
I know that it is very dark right now but I think that you can be assured that you have a real hope w/ him or w/o him. (see Cali's post)
H

Hiker even YOU must admit you are the exception here. Virtually all WS construct a defensive rewrite of the facts during and just after their affair. And almost every word is recanted in word or deed once withdrawal ends and recovery starts.

And now, ten months in, My beloved Squid swears up and down she didn't say the things I heard her say, nor did she treat the kids as I saw her do.

But she did.

But lets encourage this new BS huh ?

Hi Alph - you described how many outsiders already know of the affair, but do not conclude that this eliminates the worth of exposure.

Did you know you were an axe murderer? - a porn queen?

Don't laugh. MY WS told others that I hid money that could have been used for my son's medical expenses.

Unless you know for sure that outsiders already know the real story, exposure is needed. This especially goes for the school.

But I need to ask you a question about this statement you made: So, have you decided to be passive and just accept whatever he decides, fully knowing that his brains have been scrambled by the alien abductors? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Do you make it a practice to have your life course decided by idiots? If not, why are you letting him make a unilateral decision on the future of your family?

Wah ! You're for it now Alph ! WAT's on the case & he doesn't let ANYONE'S recovery fail ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />