Thanks Pep!

Hi Lex, I really think that H and Ow are going to blow this up themselves with OW parents. They are so deluded, thinking they are love's dream and so in the right, I'm sure they'll tell them everything.

It's all I can hope for - tracking OW parents is not possible - I don't know what city they are in, I don't even know OW's surname.

Can't afford to hire a PI, either.

They will tell her parents a lovely fairy tale. You are the ogre, your HUSBAND is prince charming. They will tell her parents what a martyr your HUSBAND was....he did all he could to save the marriage, but alas...you divorced him.

can't afford a PI? how about a good divorce lawyer then?

Alphin,

I'm not a regular poster and I rarely offer advice, but I felt compelled to jump in and say to you, as loudly as I possibly can on a message board --- EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!

I'm sorry, but you are wrong when you say, "I really think that H and Ow are going to blow this up themselves with OW parents. They are so deluded, thinking they are love's dream and so in the right, I'm sure they'll tell them everything." I think I said the same thing and I was wrong. It wasn't until I exposed to the parents --- months later --- that it blew up. I cannot tell how much I wish I had exposed WAAAAAAY earlier, the A would have ended earlier and I would be working on recovery instead of entering Plan B.

It is crucial for your family that you do this. You must find a way to get the information you need and expose. For example, if you don't know OW's surname, then can you find out? Don't make excuses, find a way to get the information. Do you know other people who might know her name or can you ask the school where she teaches what is her name? My point is that sometimes, in gathering information for exposure, I would have to contact someone and politely ask for information and then later I re-contacted them to expose. My other point is that sometimes, one piece of information will lead to another, and you have to keep working it until you get the info you need or you get to the end result - her parents contact info.

I think others here can give you better advice on how to expose, what you write/say, etc. Good luck and God bless.

Don't they cost even more? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

funny girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is such a case of extreme fantasy. You've just got to launch the nukes.

Nice catholic girls who are close to their nice catholic families don't go around stealing husbands and committing adultery without some big backlashes from their nice catholic families if these nice families FIND OUT ABOUT IT.

Thats the point alph.

You'll be surprised what you can find out if you try. I'd start with the school.

If you lie down and die, thats it.

Fight girl !

A PI won't cost much to get details about OW.

Its a 'net job for them these days. Can probably find her parents from CPA records or immigration.

DO it. DO IT !

I'll do some digging.

When you get the surname from the school...isn't there a school directory or listing of teachers online?
Can you go in and get any info. from the school office?...anyway. then you can do a search of Spanish white pages. It is certainly worth a try.

How is your husband financing his trip to Spain?
A jointly held credit card? That would tell you where he's flying to.

Or simply ask him for further details on his itinerary in case of an emergency with one of the children.

He has his own credit card, but he's so disorganised that he hasn't even redirected his mail yet. Next month's bill might be an option...

I could ask him for basic details of the trip, yes. It's a perfectly reasonable request, after all!

how about this... you find out her cell phone #, either by looking at your H's phone records or through the school directory (sometimes cells are listed), then you pay a P.I. to get a copy of her cell phone records (yes, it costs $, but it's fast and efficient, so not nearly as much as a divorce costs), and then you see what #'s she's calling to figure out her parents # -- trust me, they are never, ever going to be honest with her parents -- you need to expose to her parents --- please don't make my mistakes

by the way, I'm not sure if international #'s show up in detail on a cell phone record -- find out before you pay for this expense

I'm just giving you some ideas here... take care of yourself and your family

Alph,

Just do it! You won't regret it. I always took the approach of thinking that ten years from now I would want my kids and myself to know I did everything I could to hold onto my M.

It takes tons of strength to do this. But you must pull yourself up and do everything you can or just give up. It is your call.

WAT,

I like the skankylosaur thingy. I never laughed so hard in my life. I am going to have to share that one.

HINY

Hey Alph. It is really hard to pin down numbers for questions like these, but . . . I have read that most exit A's are from female WS's, that most men's A's are the result of a Need not being met for a long time ~ in other words, a really really really loud wake-up call for both of you.

I know that was the case in my FWH's A. He had a month's long EA, turned 2-week long PA, with my former best friend. He was convinced that it was meant to be by God, that she was the perfect fit for him, that we married too young and for all the wrong reasons, that in fact his relationship with her made him realize he had never loved me, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda ~ Yet, incongruently, I was his best friend and the best friend he had ever had, and would always be his best friend.

AND, that children go through D all the time, they would understand in time why he had to leave, and BTW, why weren't we all happy for him???

I received MUCH comfort here at MB, reading stories of both personal recovery, and M recovery. It is funny how so many of us are so different. You are strong in areas that I wasn't ~ for instance, I was the screamer/yeller/hysterical scary BW who freaked out for the first 6 weeks. BUT, I was also the best darn exposer here at MB (well, ONE of the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). Perhaps if we could meld together a bit, you could take away my hysteria and give me some calm and perspective, and I could give you some UMPHA to get the tough work of exposure done.

When you expose, your WH WILL be angry. He will tell you, for example (just off the top of my head, since I have read it hear hundreds of times, and heard it from my own FWH over a year ago): that he will never forgive you, that he was considering coming home until you pulled that stunt ~ and one of the GREATEST WS moves, "If you are going to be vindictive like that, I have decided to NOT let you keep the house, I will get custody of the kids, and I will leave you with NOTHING. I don't want our kids raised with a person who is capable of such horrible behavior."

Right before I heard that last one, I had just got done telling my girlfriend, "Well, at least it can't get much worse." Figures . . . don't say that.

BUT, the facts are that those are all just words. Just rationalizations/justifications for what they are doing. When the actions go against the core belief system (as is the case with most WS's), the behavior gets downright BIZAAR! Almost to the point of just getting some popcorn, sitting back, and enjoying the show. Especially if you use your investigative skills (that I'm telling you, EVERY woman is born with! I found computer hacking is 99% intention, with 1% skill) and contact the OW's very good Catholic family. Just expect it, and come here and post the most outrageous things he does and says, that you couldn't think up in your wildest imaginings. Perhaps it will even be something we havn't heard before! You never know.

Anyway, do what these fine people are telling you. I did, and I recovered my M. It all works. And enjoy the weight loss on the Infidelity diet. I actually have managed to keep off 20 of the 30 pounds I lost. Get some clothes that fit. DON'T worry about the $20 you spend on pants that fit ~ they are worth their weight in GOLD for the way they make you FEEL about yourself. You need 1 good pair of pants that FIT (at LEAST one pair), and 2-3 shirts. Just go out and do it. And paint your toenails the next time you are anxious and can't sleep. Just do it!

Spidey

QUOTE:

'How our School works.
Christ’s ministry as Shepard should be reflected in all aspects of the School life and this should be most apparent in the school’s approach to pastoral care. This ministry is threefold: affirming, strengthening and healing – and is concerned not with systems but the individual needs of the unique persons, both staff and pupils, who form the School community.

Christ’s mission is to heal and reconcile. The School will manifest these Gospel Values most clearly in its response to those who experience a sense of personal failure, whether temporary or long-term. This may be in the realms of learning, academic achievement, social attitude, discipline or in the area of personal relationships.'

The above quote is a statement of the pastoral care offered at the Catholic school my H teaches at. OW is a Catholic (not practicing, I assume), H is not.

In light the above statement, taken from the school's website, is there any way that the school could ignore the R between my H and OW?

I don't think so. I would appreciate any input. I'm pumping myself up for this, but I'm so, so scared!

hey Alphin

Theres a lot of ways that the school could ignore the sit with your H and OW, but if you push it up teh chain enough someone will listen and OW and WH will have to make an account.

This is called EXPOSURE and it is the most effective tool a BS has in their armoury to mortally stab an affair.

I'd do it through a letter first and make sure its to teh point, full of facts an ddisappointment and heartbreak. Talk about Christs institution of marriage and how you would like to forgive and rebuild your M on a godly model but need the help of the school in applying pressure to the affair and possibly by helping you contact OWs parents to expose to.

etc etc. Write up your letter and post it on here for the wise ones to critique.

You ahev SUCH potential here Alphin ! I know you can't see it but MAN we've seen a lot less hopeful situations than yours turn good ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW when you DO expose your WH will be as spiteful as a bee stung snake. Thats why you need to get yourself strong and study so you can ride the storm in a way that indicates success.

All blessings darl'

A sample letter, or something I read from on the phone:

'Hello,

My name is ***, and I am the wife of ***, your head of music, and mother to our two children.

I know that *** has informed you of our marriage break up. I wanted to give you my side of the story.

*** announced on the second of April that he had been having an affair since just before Christmas with ***, and that he would be leaving me and our two children to be with her. He did this the following day, and refused to attempt to reconcile.

News of the affair came to me completely out of the blue, I was devastated. Our children are suffering trauma and great distress because of what has happened. This has come as complete shock to them as well.

From information I have read on your website, it appears to me that an affair between a married man who has a certain standing in the school community and another teacher (who is a catholic, I understand) is completely contrary to the Christian values that the school ascribes to.

*** has told me that he wants to divorce me. I do not want to divorce and wish to save the marriage. Until this affair began we were a happy couple, and I think that we could be again.'

Just a rough online.

Alph.

I know that *** has informed you of our marriage break up. I wanted to give you my side of the story.


I know that *** has given the school HIS view of the our marriage crisis, but I feel that you should know all teh facts.

Sir, our marriage is not 'breaking up' in fact my WH and OW are just having an affair. They are clearly infatuated with each other as happens in so many situations. I have begun studies in infidelity and it is clear that such infatuations rarely last long and that marriage scan be rebuilt to be even stronger afterwards if partners are willing.

What I want to do, sir, is make my WH an dOW face teh reality of their actions, not the rewritten history and justifcation scripts they have deluded themselves with.

Our Marriage was not a thrilling union perhaps, but certainloy not troubled until WH started his affair.

I am willing to work through my pain to recover my marriage in prayer but sir I need your support.

Firstly I want to make sure that the school is aware of all the circumstances - that a Godly Marriage has a chance of rescue as long as it does not sponsor infidelity and also that OWs parents should also know the choice she has made.

I would have WH and OW test the strength of their commitment in the face of the FACT of a husband and father abandoning his wife and children, and that his W is willing today to do all she can to restore our family.

I pray you can find a way to help me in my attempts to pull my WH from his sin and back into his marriage.

Thanks you."

Sound sickly ? Its all true so how can it be ?

It will be later when the wise ones check your letter darl, but they WILL advise.

All blessings

Also have you considered visiting 'Marriagecare'? Its the UKs catholic marriage Guidance service.

Alph,

Your letter sounds good to me and you are getting very strong support from the MBers here. As for the exposure, just stick to the fact as you have done. Don't expect too much of a reaction and you won't be disappointed. Though their values show they should take a strong stance, they may water it down a bit if it is not to the school's advantage.

Also include exposure to the OW's parents. Add that to the exposure picture and let it rip at the same time. Explode the A!!!!

As for your H coming back. He may but you certainly don't want the same WS character that left to come back.

So go do your exposure. Read up on Surviving an affair and brave for the regergated (sp??) A to spew up your way. The WS will react with lots of drama when the exposure card is thrown out.

Fog or no fog the one thing that usually pokes through the fog is $$. When $$ is an issue even the foggiest of WS' see some light. Of course that c/b after they have hawked themselves and their families into horrible depths of debt.

In the meantime, read up on that book. Call Steve H @ MB if you can for some phone counseling, build up your personal support group (including your children). Your personal support group does not have to know all, just enough t/b able to help you.

Work on your personal improvements and when the WS says he recognizes your improvements but doubts your sincerity or longevity of your changes, don't get offended, doubt his abilty t/b sane again. That's an example of 'babbling back' (aka: reverse babble - LOL!!! ).

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Love your children and reassure them you will not abandon them like their father has. Don't hide his absence. Be honest with your children and setup a support system where you all help each other. Children want to help the parent in need. Reinforce your love. If you take your children into your confidence they may be the vocal point to help your H come to his senses. Don't assume he doesn't hear at all. He does but in the fog it is often garbled and takes a long time to digest. Men are especially slow at seeing reality in the fog. Mine used to take 5 - 10 days just to respond to a simple question.

Keep a journal to help you see your progress.

Keep venting here as needed.

Hug your children.

take care,
L.

hiker, it was a generalization. A generalization is valid as long as it accurately describes a majority of the group. It is understood that there will be expections, but that does not invalidate the generalization.

Thanks for the posts guys.

Mr Pure, I like your letter, but i may need to tone down the religious elements a little. I know this sounds a little contradictary, but the head of this school is pretty pragmatic and I'd rather approach him with logic than scripture - ie, 'your school statement says that you follow a chirstian ethos and yet you are allowing an entirely un-christian situation here. I'm afraid I will have to take this up with the board of governors/parents association etc.'

Orchid, I've just remembered I've got a friend who lives in Spain (Duh!) I'm sure he'd be willing to help me find out a few things about OW's family.
There's no way I can find out what I need about OW before they go over there (this weekend). So they may get a friendly reception for that week - nothing I can do about it. Will contactin OW's parents after they have met H be a major drawback, do you think?