Y'know - that has NEVER occurred to me before, and I have some pretty dirty thoughts sometimes.

I feel almost ashamed.

Almost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I recommend you go to the head cheese first and see what happens. If that is not satisfying, expand to another level, which could include the parent's group.

We usually recommend exposure in expanding circles as Lexxxxxxxy (I think) stated earlier. This illustrates the point that exposure is meant to cause an end to an affair - not to punish the affairees - so you expose only as much as is needed. In the common case that an affair stops, yet starts back up later, "constrained" initial exposure leaves you with "fresh" exposure when needed.

Some argue that Full Monty exposure, i.e., telling all to all right off the bat is the way to go to get the most bang for the buck, or in your case, pound. I believe we cannot predict which approach would be best in any given circumstance and the approach you use should be a reasoned one considering your specific circumstances.

WAT

Alph

100 lashes for me yet again.

I believe that you should do, which could mean full exposure, anything that is going to accomplish your goal(s). Most of us are talking long distance and do not know the climate in your home and school. I especially like Pep's suggestion about enlisting school counselors or teacher's support in knowing that your family is in crisis and to pay attention to your children's behavior. They can handle that assignment. I am not sure they can handle more than that. Obviously you are the one who makes the decisions as to what is done or said. I want you to know that I will support you in what ever choice you make. I am no expert the only qualification I have at best is that I had an A. It isn't much of a badge to wear.
H

Well, now - here's another thing.

Should have mentioned it before, I guess. It feels like a confession, and again I'm blaming myself because he blamed me.

I'm pretty sure that H has a drink problem. There.

I don't know if I would call him an alcoholic, or if there's even a difference between being an alcoholic and having a 'drink problem', but I think he's one of them!

When H and I got together, we drank a lot. We were students - I guess it's not really uncommon. He always drank more than I did, tho, even allowing for the different ammounts men and women can tolerate.

I've always been able to leave it alone, though - take a break from it if I wanted, of just enjoy a drink without having to finish the bottle. Not H.

When I was diagnosed with the Crohns I knew I had to cut right down, so I did. H began saying things like 'hey, you're no fun any more' and 'I've lost my drinking buddy'. etc.

H could drink 1 1/2 litres of wine in an evening and then get up the next day and drive to work. He did this fairly frequently. Most nights after work he would come home, have 4 or 5 glasses of wine, and fall asleep in fromt of the TV. Most nights. This eventually caused a breach between us because I was getting no attention from him at all. No sex. He snored horribly at night. I would sleep on the sofa just to get some peace - NOT because I didn't love or want him, as he said when he left.

When he left, he said that we'd got together through drink, as if there was never anything else between us. He also said that he 'drank because of the problems between us'. A week after he'd left, he said he'd stopped drinking, just like that, as if walking out had miraculously cured him.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic, and she thinks he sounds like he has a problem. One thing she said was very interesting is that he started smoking again (after 8 years) when he left me. Sister said that whenever she has started drinking again, but then takes hold and goes into recovery, she starts smoking again, because the nicotine habit helps to suppress the more serious addiction. This works for her, anyway.

I'm so sorry I didn't mention this before, I feel dishonest. At first I honestly forgot - the drinkings just been part of our lives for so long it kind of blends into the background. But then I knew I should say something but didn't because I was afraid I'd be told my sit was hopeless after all.

BTW, he is drinking again now anyway, in spite of the smoking.

I'm sorry, once again, if I have misled you.

Alph.

I have been on lurker status for months, but occasionally you read a post that makes you just want to reach out and grab a WS by the neck!
Your WH has not said or done one thing that hasn't all ready been said or done by every other WS before him. Unbelievable. Where is that darn script that they all keep reading? How in the heck do they find it?

My WXH said all the same stuff...kids will adjust, you are not a bad person, just not the one for me, OW is the perfect one for me....get this.....my X actually said "she is exactly like me, I tell people that she is me, without a penis" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Also....my X was anxious to make their relationship look normal. Brought her to older son’s football games and introduced her to our long time friends as his girlfriend. People did not react much at first - because they were HORRIFIED. They just didn't know what to say or do. But as time went by they started reacting. Did not speak to him any longer. Did not sit anywhere near him at football games. Eventually, at the end of the season, he and OW sat completely separate from the rest of the crowd. OW tried to have a birthday party for him, several people reported to me that she emailed several friends and family members, but they all turned her down. Most people said they were "busy" but several told her flat out "I will not visit him while he is living with you in an adulterous relationship.".
(he left on a Wednesday. The next Friday - only 2 days later - he showed up to take our boys out to dinner. I thought nothing of it. I found out the next day that she showed up at dinner! My poor boys were so upset, and tried to keep it secret from me, but someone saw him with her and the boys in our car and called me to find out who she was. They do STUPID things when they are addicted)

I guess what I will share with you is this - there is A LOT going on that you don't know about yet. Right now you worry that he has replaced you. He has not. I would bet that some of his friends have all ready confronted him, but they just haven't told you so yet. They don’t know what to say to you.

Some of the stories I heard afterwards really touched my heart - to know how many people had spoken up for me.
My Ex always said "my situation is different, you don't know me, this is a different situation."
My M ended up in divorce - by my own choice. His R with OW did not last more than 8 months. Turns out she was not just like him without a penis! Well....she was like him in a way - completely selfish.

So I share this with you. Many people told me "things are not always what they seem". And they were right. Once his A ended my WXH shared a lot of things that I did not know at the time. He told me that he was confronted by many many people that I never knew about. He told them all that his situation was different. Now he says, flat out, it was no different. It turned out the same.

I hesitated to post to you, because my M ended in a D. But trust me, that was my own decision. He did try to come back, but he ended up in another A, and I was able to truly put that old ugly relationship behind me. I am a success story of a different type now.

Your H is following the same path. He has not thought of one single unique thing yet. Read, Read, and Read some more. It will show you what to expect in the future.

I will add 1 more comment. I liked Pep's suggestion to speak to the girls' teachers about what is going on, and you have done that, which is good. That will definitely help your girls, and at the same time, those teachers will talk to other teachers, who will talk to others.....exposure will start to take care of itself.

Continue to do good things for you! You are bright, loving, caring, and a darn good Momma. God made you unique and he has a plan for your life. The crap your H is saying right now is NOT you. Hold your head high.

A dear friend of mine once said "Your H can poop in your cup, but that doesn't mean you have to drink it!"

Hugs from across the pond.

How much does this change things for me? Does he have two addictions - drink and OW?

Sorry about my long post earlier! I get carried away.
Just read about your H likely drinking problem and wnated to add another "I heard that too".

In my case - my WxH has acid reflux disease, and takes Prilosec every day. (severe stomach acid).
When he left he said "I know that I am doing the right thing by leaving you, because ever since I decided to leave you I have not needed to take my medication, I have been cured. I only had stomach acid becuase of YOU and our bad M." He even threw the pills away.

In reality, when that R was new, and exciting, he was getting "high" on the R and that seemed to "cure" his acid reflux, for a while. But it came back really fast. Thing is - the acid refulx, and the Affair, were just symptoms of a bigger problem that he had, inside himself. It wasn't me, or his M, it was a lot of stuff that he did not want to look at.

You WILL get through this. Perhaps you will end up with a restored M, with a man who quits drinking and then commits fully to his family. What a blessing that would be. Or, perhaps you will end up healed, on your own, and away from a M with a man who drinks each night, falls asleep in front of the TV and ignores his wife who longs for affection.

Did you make some mistakes in the M? Yes. We all did. So did he. But you don't fix things by looking elsewhere.


Don't worry about this new "revelation". You will have more of them as time goes by. It is all part of the process of discovery. The growth that you will have at this time will be awesome for you.

womanoffaith5,

I can't thank you enough for the things you have written.

Peace to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OW smokes too (guess he wouldn't have started if she was a non-smoker).

I don't know how much she drinks - MIL sayd they drank alot when the two of them went down to visit.

Alph - I don't feel misled that you didn't mention the drinking issue.

Might be related, might not be to the infidelity.

So, what are your exposure plans?

WAT

Hi WAT.

I'll start with a letter to the principal initially. See what happens there.

I do a complete re-write of the one I did this morning, but I'll do it tomorrow morning - too bleary-eyed now.

Alph.

OK, bear in mind that the principal's first reaction may be one of denial - especially if he/she will eventually take some action. There may be a "not on my watch" sort of denial, because it may be received as a bad reflection on him/her.

This is why my recommendation was for a face to face meeting rather than a letter - your sincerity would speak for you. But if you feel unable to conduct such a meeting, a letter is for you.

Do you have any hard evidence to show proof that you could offer with a letter, e.g., incriminating e-mail messages?

WAT

No need for any hard evidence - they are living together; the school will have their home address on record.

Unless he hasn't informed them of his change of address?

Not in my opinion. U do what you feel would give the most exposure. Letting them meet him and then blowing his image by revealing his true identity could have a powerful impact.

IMHO,
L.

[quote Letting them meet him and then blowing his image by revealing his true identity could have a powerful impact.

IMHO,
L. [/quote]

It would be nice for OW parents to receive a letter from me when H and OW are actually over there...

Oh well.

I've found out her full name!!! H just handed it over like a puppy. Stupid H.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alphin, don;t tell me, she;s named after Maria or a saint or two ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL!

I still have to find out where OW parents live. Then I am going to call a PI and see how much it costs to do a trace. Might as well make the call, I guess.

Does anyone actually have any experience with using PI's?

I did.

Hi Orchid,

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