Here is a draft of a letter I intend to send to OW.

'Hello ***,

I am writing to you to explain my point of view. I ask you please to do me the respect of reading to the end of this letter and that you accept it as a true and honest account of my situation and feelings, and those of my children.

Our children adore ***, as I am sure he has told you. Your affair with him, however, has utterly devastated them. *** breaks down at school, has had to attend counselling, and has become afraid of the future. She never imagined that her Daddy would leave her. I know that *** has told you that it was me he left, and not the children, but the effect on them is the same. Something terrible that they were 100% sure would never happen, has, in fact, happened. *** has been suffering from stomach pains and also cries at school. She obsessively draws pictures of our family of four holding hands and smiling.

Now, to my own feelings. *** may have told you that we had no marriage, that it was over before you two began you affair. This is not true. Like all couples we had problems, I admit that, but, prior to your affair, these were manageable, fixable, and in fact we had a very warm and affectionate relationship. Things became terrible between us when your affair began because *** withdrew from the marriage and shut me out.

Physically, this has been devastating for me. I was suicidal after *** left us, unable to understand what had happened or why. I was unable to eat anything at all for three weeks, and lost a great deal of weight. The bowel disorder that I suffer from has been acerbated by the situation and is worse now than it has ever been. Emotionally; well, my doctor has told me that the extreme grief I am feeling is actually worse than if *** had died. She also said that only the death of a child is more painful to a woman.

You are having an affair with a married man. Please understand that I appreciate what you feel for each other: I know that you believe yourself to be in love with him, and he with you, but that does not make what you are doing right. You had a choice not to embark upon this affair; I’m sure you had second thoughts about beginning it many times. Nevertheless, you did embark upon it, and these are the consequences. You have a choice now, however, to do the right thing: end it. Finish this affair and give the girls and me the chance for a happy family life with ***. We deserve that.

Thank you.

Alphin.'

I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions.

Alph.

Alphin, I would try and notify the OW's parents before they meet your H. That should be a nice how-de-do!

MelodyLane,

Wish I could, no time.

About half an hour ago H texted my and asked me why I wanted to know OW's full name. I didn't reply.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You were posting that letter at the same time I was posting so I didn't see it. I am uncertain about the wisdom of sending that letter to her and wonder if it wouldn't be better to call her. See, I think if you called her and said those things, it would allow her to put a FACE TO A NAME. She would be able to see you as a human, rather than the wicked witch of the west. It would also send her a strong message that you are brave and intend to fight for your marriage. I think it would be good for you to listen what she has to say. You might get an earful if you call her.

How about calling her and saying that, instead of sending it to her? Don't just read the letter, but use it as a guideline sprinkled with some good open ended questions to get her talking.

When is your H going to meet the parents?

I have a friend who lives outside Oxford, UK who used to be married to a headmaster. (School kind, guys) Ten years ago, he began an affair. Not with anyone at his school but with an old GF from his youth. After it all came out, he did not last very long in his position. And, I believe it was very difficult for him to find another similiar position. Don't know what he's doing now. When my friend and I talk we've got better things to chat about...like her upcoming wedding.

Expose! Somebody in the school HAS TO listen. They have an immoral person in a position of authority. Just do it!

Hi Melody,

They're flying over there this weekend. PI's I've called say it will take at least a week to find the info I need.

Do you know where they are going?

Hi Grapegirl,

Called my mom today and told her what I intend to do. She said 'well it's about time you stood up yourself!'

Don't know what H's parents will think, though.

I'm going to do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe, maybe not. They probably say that, in case it DOES take a week. Just go ahead and start those wheels in motion, IMO, and know you have done what you can for the time being. Tell them you need the info ASAP, and hope it doesn't take them very long. You could be surprised with a quick turn-around.

Spidey

Melody, I don't know yet. I'm going to try to get info from MIL, but she's not answering the phone right now.

I'll keep trying!

Yes I would get on all of this asap. The sooner you get operating on it the sooner they can too. Good Luck!

We are rooting for you and here to support you all the way!

HINY

Well, I have found out OW's full name and where her parents live. I've spoken to a PI today and he says that finding her parents should be no problem.

Ow goes by her second name - which is very similar to DD5's name, actually is the same but the Spanish version. I found out her first name today. It is the same as DD12's. I felt quite sick when I found out.

I have told my mom about exposure and she is all for it, and is probably checking out this site as we speak (hi Mom!).

GOOD JOB! Alphin, it would be most excellent if you could contact her parents before your H gets there.

When do you plan on exposing at work?

I'm going to work on the letter tomorrow - wasn't able to today. I'll post it up here and get final approval and send it in next week.

Next week is half term, so teachers are off, but the headmaster comes in during that time, so he'll get to read it before H comes back to work. I'm going to ask the head to phone me if he requires any other information. I would like to speak to him anyway.

Should I perhaps phone him, instead of sending a letter?

When will your H be back at work?

Is he open with you about taking the OW to meet her parents? Have you expressed your disgust at this?

Great work! You are getting good at this PI stuff yourself. I think he is in for a surprise.

Good Luck!

HINY

No, I just can't. Everything he does with her is just so matter of fact, almost as if I should feel happy for him.

We aren't talking about anything at the moment, I don't know who he is, so I have nothing to say.

I know - he's an alien.

Alphin, this needs to change. If he brings up his sleazy affair to you, I would point out to him how very inappropriate and hurtful it is to you. Let him know how badly his affair has hurt you and the children.

Think you can get to the OW's parents before they come? That would be AWESOME! What a wake up call that would be. Are they Spanish?

Hi Alphin,

My deepest sympathies. I am only experienced with PI stuff here in the US, but it seems like there should at least be similarities in the UK.

Call around and see if someone can do a background check on the OW. Here, anyway, if someone called in a name we could go to our databases and have a full list of addresses, relatives, friends, and acquaintances for them in about 10-15 minutes. Additionally, there are links from Yahoo and other places to be able to do background checks yourself, though they might not be as comprehensive as what a PI would have access to.

Also, at least over here, switchboard.com has a link to search for unlisted phone numbers and addresses. You might have something similar over there if there is an online yellow pages. (Do you have yellow pages in the UK? If not, it's basically a comprehensive phone listing.)

Hope this helps a little; wish I knew more about 'over there'.

Neak

yes, indeed you need to let her parents know BEFORE he gets there. They have probably told them that you are divorced or separated and they have no idea he is married and she is in the middle of your marriage. I would state to them very sternly that you are married to him and you want your marriage and she is in the middle of it.

It is important for them to know what their "angel" is up to in the states. I was always nervous about doing these things, but I took on the attitude that I was going to be divorced if I didn't do anything or maybe if I did. So I did it anyway.


HINY