HINY<->ALPHIN ..... spooky parallel universe stuff!

I mentioned that to him after he'd left. He said that my illess ABSOLUTELY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS LEAVING ME, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY!!!

A little defensive, I thought. I guess that would have meant that he had a problem and so his affair couldn't be all my fault.

Yep, intestinal disorders sure can kill the passion! I know now that I was sick for years, long before my symptoms became really serious and I got a diagnosis, and that explained a lot to me. I remember I asked H one night if he'd still love me if I had to use a c-bag; he said sure!

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph, can you write and tell her she is fortunate please ? She's moaning at me for not packing for the weekend quickly enough today ! LOL !

Alph - you've been doing tremendously well!

Ditto the others about how mad your H will be. Prepare yourself for a storm and please keep in the forefront of your mind that his anger is typical - a symptom of the infidelity disease.

Very, very likely that his infidelity is associated with your illness. In a way, this is good because it easily classifies OW as simply a drug of choice. Any port in a storm. An escape. He's not in love with her - he's in love with the feeling he has being temporarily removed from the stress of your illness.

In a twisted sort of way, his relationship with OW could be a loud statement proclaiming his anxiety and love for you. I know that's a tough pill to swallow and may be far fetched, but think about it. I'm not a shrink and this is pure speculation on my part - but it fits a lot of other infidelity stories, including aspects of my own.

WAT

But there's no cure for Crohn's. And OW doesn't have it (as far as I know!). I can't improve this LB for H; it's always going to be there, in fact it will quite possibly get worse. I guess that OW will also develop her own infirmities as she gets older, but right now she's younger, fitter and has better bowels. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know there's no cure. There was no "cure" for my son's death. The infidels, however, can be cured. It doesn't always work, but a cure is available when they choose to swallow it.

WAT

bowels

And I bet thats how she pronounces 'vowels' during class, right ?

She may have better bowels

You have better vowels. And morals.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alphin,
You're doing great!

Doesn't it feel better to have a plan? Thats what MB and everyone here can give you -- a strategy for saving your marriage.

Right now you're completing the VERY crucial step of exposure. I am so glad you talked to the chaplain. What an important step. Don't worry about being emotional, you SHOULD be emotional -- this is your life you're fighting for!

Informing the OW's parents is also a very critical step in bursting their bubble. Its a complete fantasy for them to believe that everyone will rejoice in their love story. Especially when they learn that he has destroyed you and his daughters in the process. He doesn't deserve "happiness" by ruining yours and your childrens.

Next step for you after exposure round one is complete: Study Plan A. Prepare yourself for the firestorm. He is going to be furious at what you've done. Believe me, he is going to see you in a new light. You've been so passive about his actions -- this is going to come as a great shock to him. Underneath it all he will admire your strength, and he will feel undeserving of you.

Expect him to go through massive depression. It will reveal itself in anger. He will say things he does not truly mean.

Take the high road through all of this Alphin. Be the strong calm safe place for him.

Study Plan A. Study your relationship. What emotional needs is the OW meeting for him? Find ways to do those better and begin demonstrating them as much as possible.

ditto Lexxxxxxy

Some of the types of things you might hear from your H:

How DARE you invade my PRIVACY!!

You've ruined EVERYTHING!!

You've really done it NOW! I WAS thinking of coming home to you, but not NOW! You've shown your true colors!!

Just be ready for this crap and realize that YOU did not create this mess. Exposure did not create this mess.

This is vital, Alph. Please be ready. When he confronts you, you have to be resolute and not cower. Along with the other recommendations for a response, a good one to his accusation that you invaded his privacy is: "I merely removed the rest of the secrecy."

Another good universal response to just about anything a WS might say: "I understand your concern." (said very calmly)

WAT

WAT is right.

"I am sorry this action hurt you.Understand I am doing everything I can to recover our marriage."

and

" you have made yoru view very clear to me".

Don;t try to argue with logic. There will be none. If you feel confident enough, use reverse babble as Orchid teaches.

If not, just say " I can see you are not happy about this. I am doing what I can t try to save our marriage."

He will say " theres no marriage to save ! " a and teh all time classic " you have just lost ANY CHANCE ofsaving our marriage !! "

Study. Prepare. Its far from nice, but can be survived.

The nastier the response is is, the more effective the exposure,nsually.

Alphin -- we're doing a good job of warning you about his possible reaction, but PLEASE do not let it scare you away from what you MUST do.

Do not sit back and let him destroy your family. You are in battle. The affair is the enemy. You must do everything you can do to fight it.

Even in the worst possible outcome (that your marriage doesn't survive) you will be able to hold your head high and tell those precious daughters of yours that you did EVERYTHING you could to save their family.

These strategies really work Alphin -- there is a very strong likliehood that your husband will return. You will have MB's to be there to coach you every step along the way.

Call OW's parents as soon as you can! Be classy. Be honest. Be emotional.

Alph - we are emphasising this because it's very important.

Expect the most vile tongue lashing you have ever heard.

Think of it this way - he thinks he is on LaLa Land Paradise Island and everybody else thinks the same.

Suddenly, his paradise is questioned by others. "Huh? Can't everybody see how wonderful this is?" Answer - no one else can. He has SO much emotionally invested in this and his reaction against you will be proportional in emotional magnitude.

You have to try real hard NOT to wince because that gives him a sense that he's right to be mad.

WAT
------------------
Exposure IS exploitation of shame.

Alph,

I lived by this post from Ark during the hard times:


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

hope that helps

arkster


So as everyone told me "Be the lighthouse"!

Shine bright and look and feel like home!

HINY

HINY arks lighthouse post was in my work folder for months and months.... read well Alph

I have heard that Crohn's can be cured. Do some of your own research, possibly look into practitioners of natural medicine. I read that probiotics can be helpful.

I heard a woman(Deborah Ray) who had Crohn's. She was about to get a cholostomy (back in 1977) but was told she should get a second opinion just before going into surgery...she did:

"He suggested that she use a number of herbal and nutritional alternatives designed to heal, gradually weaned her off the medications that were causing toxic reactions, and coaxed her back to full health."

I would also use the internet as the informational portal that it is and research everything I could on Crohn's disease. I did for IBS and that is how I found Lotronex and then I went to my Dr. and I started it. It is a miracle drug for me. My life is as close to normal as it can be now.

BP,

I love the lighthouse post also. Ark is so great! She helped me so much during my H's A.

HINY

HINY a few monts ago when I posted up my 'new bs toolkit' thing, ark posted a few words congratulating me and I wasn't the same all day ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It was like a prize from the principal ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hear you! In my darkest moments she would post something to me and it would either be funny or so helpful in so many ways.

I do believe she helped me bring the ol' man home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HINY

Hi Guys!

I go away for a couple of hours and there's a whole lot more good advice waiting for me when I come back!

Thanks so much.

I kinda feel like I've been standing on top of a mile-high cliff, wanting to climb down it, but unable to proceed. I've been walking up and down, hoping that a solution would present itself on its own. Then you guys handed me this parachute, called exposure. I've strapped it to my back, and thrown myself off the mile-high cliff, and I'm in freefall. I have your parachute strapped to my back, but I didn't check it real good before I jumped because I was so eager to jump!

Tell me my parachute will open, and take me safely down to earth?

***so afraid of heights*** Alph.

Guess you have two options > pull the ripcord soon to enjoy the view longer or free fall a while longer to get a closer look sooner.

It's a holiday weekend in the US, so expect the activity on the forum to decrease significantly. You got bOb in your time zone and he won't steer you wrong.

WAT

Hi Alph,

Your doing fine. And if Plan A and exposure doesn't work there is always Plan B. Read up on that one just in case you need it.

That is where you work on yourself so you really don't get caught up in the drama and the chaos of the A. You could lose him with Plan B, but you could lose him anyway.

You aren't there yet. You have to expose the A as best as you can and make their A hell to be in. Which is pretty much is anyway according to most WS.

I think you are going to be fine no matter what. You are strong and willing to keep working on it.

HINY