Hi HINY,

If an affair is hell to be in, why do WS do it? Crazy people!

Amazon have finally despatched my book, so I'll get reading as soon as it arrives - should be tomorrow.

From what I've read about plan B, it's inevitable that it does one of two ways. It's either 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' ie, they miss you; or it's 'out of sight, out of mind' - ie, they forget you. Impossible to tell at this stage for me, of course.

Yes, but you also either grow fonder of them or without them.......LOL. I had to plan B and I really had a hard time in the beginning, but then I liked it.

HINY

Plan B seems very difficult to me, mainly because of the children I guess.

But then again, even now, I'm more comfortable without H than with him. I get so anxious when he's going to be coming over here! I even get anxious when he's on the phone to the girls.

Ridiculous. I'll get better though.

I did too!

In plan B I used my mother as an intermediary and let her do the dirty work. I never saw him and I quit paying attention to what he was doing and I just lived my life for once since the whole thing had started.

Then I stupidly let him come here once to work on the porches and I was here. We got talking and we ended up kissing and then SF came along. Bam! I got an STD from him. Then everything went back into an uproar. But before I stupidly did that I was doing great.

We are doing very well now. If anything ruins it, it will be me. I am having a hard time moving beyond the betrayal. He is doing anything and everything he can do. He loves me and I know he does. But it is still hard. Somedays it seems Plan B was easier...LOL.

You are getting stronger already. I can tell from your posts. Where are you located in England? I have a friend that lives in Wooton Beds. Is that near you?

HINY

HINY, now that you are recovering, how are those closest to you (your best friends and relatives) reacting to your H? Were any hostile to him even after you got back together because he had hurt you so much?

BTW, HINY - 'Hinny' is an affectionate pet name up here in the NE of England for a woman, did you know that?

I'm in the NorthEast, just under Scotland.

Man, it's cold here today!

It always is, tho.

No I had no idea about the hinny thing...

Everyone was angry with him and really down on me about "taking him back" at first. My bestfriend here is still leary of him. But she has been an OW several times herself so she knows how easy it is to slip back into that scene. She was useful during his A though.

My mom just loves Matt to death so it wasn't that big of a deal for her. Plus they had a heart to heart about it and cried together. Matt appologized to my sister for including her in the mess when it first started. All in all everyone seems to be okay now. Other than the occasional OMG how can you stay married to him, or how do you trust him now stuff.

I only sign HINY because Chris CA-123 abbreviated my hopefulinny name to HINY once. Everyone laughed so I kept it. It works for me cause sometimes I am an a$$ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

HINY

I am not sure where wooton beds is, I just know that is where she is from.

It is storming here, so I am going to shut the computer down for a while. I will check in later. How is it going with the exposure thing? Anything new going on?

HINY

Well, NE women are traditionally considered pretty tough cookies; you know, working down the coalmines in the good ol' days with two babies strapped to their backs and giving birth to the third whilst shovelling coal...

Good strong women - I think the name suits you! Even if you haven't ever worked in a coal mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know I'm a long way from having to worry about it, but I can't imagine my dad ever getting over what has happened. He almost feels as betrayed as I do. He has such a strong moral code, such a set idea of how men 'should be', and real men just don't abandon their wives and children, in his view. Affairs, he says, happen to the best of people, but to actually leave he finds unforgiveable.

Can't really blame him; like everyone else, this came as a complete shock to him.

10.20 GMT

*Alphin zzzzz....*

G'night.

Morning all!

Just journalling, but comments welcome!

I've been thinking a lot about the conversation I had with the chaplain of my H's school yesterday. I am not a very religious person, but talking to this man was such a comfort (I guess that's his job, eh?)

My WH isn't religious either, but he gets on very well with the chaplain. In fact, I'd say they were pretty good friends. The Chaplain, let's call him Mick, told me yesterday that he was aware of our 'marital problems' but had no idea that WH was having an affair.

Does a failure to admit to an affair to a person in religious authority suggest anything in particular? Is it guilt (I know what I've done is wrong and can't admit it), is it self presevation (if I admit this I might lose my job), or is he just protecting his 'privacy' (it's none of their business anyway)?

I'm wondering if I should call all of our mutual friends. Only one of them has called me since this happened - I really am very hurt that I've heard from no-one else. I'm certainly thinking about calling WH's collegue in the music department. I got on very well with him, although I haven't seen him for a while. He has a young family of his own, and has what I would call 'traditional' values regarding family. 'Traditional' is the wrong word, though; makes him sound old fashioned and out of touch. Some things are just right, and some things are just wrong. Having an affair is just wrong, there is no justification for it, no matter how bad a marriage may be.

So, I might call WH's co worker. I also have the phone numbers of a few mutual friends (although WH took his address book with him when he left so I don't have access to all of them).

Funnily enough, another mutual friend who we've known for years phoned up last night. We don't see her often these days, but she usually comes to see us at Christmas when she's playing in town at the pantomimes (another musician!). She didn't come to see us this Christmas, though.

She had no idea that WH had left me. Well, I told her all about the A. Again, she was completely shocked, couldn't believe it. Then she told me, almost apologetically, that she'd actually been phoning to tell us that she'd recently become a mom to twin baby girls, and that's why we hadn't seen her at Christmas. Well, hearing news like that just sets you off, doesn't it - I'd been fine when I'd been telling her about the A but hearing other people's happy news is sometimes so heartbreaking. It's a very selfish reaction - of course I was delighted for her - but it seems like everyone else is happy/in a great relationship when you're going through this nightmare.

I offered her WH cell number, so that she could tell him about her babies, but she didn't want it! Eventually I persuaded her to take it, but she told me that she had 'nothing at all to say to him' and wouldn't be calling him soon.

Wondering what to do with my girls this weekend - weather looks pretty crappy. I need to dye my hair this weekend - thrilling! I also need to clean the house before my parents arrive on Monday. I guess it's better to clean when the weather is crappy than when it's nice.

Alph.

Of course, WH is jetting of to Spain with OW to meet her parents this weekend. BUT WE'RE NOT DWELLING ON THAT!!!

I'm becoming more concerned about my illness. The drugs I'm using at the moment aren't doing the trick for me. I'm afraid that I may end up in hospital, as I'm becoming increasingly run down, and feel pretty bad.

What would happen regarding the kids if I had to stay in hospital for a time? Would they automatically have to go and stay with WH and OW because he has parental rights and responsibility for them?

The thought of that happening keeps me awake at night.

U need your rest. What other arrangements can be made? If non, then call that WS from his 'vacation' so he can take care of the children.

Now wouldn't that be a fine exposure.

BS: Hello, Mrs. Spanglish? This is Alphin, is Mr. Alphin thee?

Mrs. Spanglish: Mr. Alphin? Is this his mother?

BS: No this is his wife. I am ill and need him to leave his girlfriend and come home to take care of his children.

Mrs. Spanglish: Oh, I am sorry for this..... I don't know what to say. I will give him the message.

BS: Thank you Mrs. Spanglish. Oh btw, can you please tell your daughter that leaving her clothes all over town is not a smart thing for a girl to do in another country. Her students may chance upon her undergarments that she leaves in various places and it is embarressing.

Mrs Spanglish: Yes, ok..... hope you feel better. I am soo embarresed..... goodbye.

Howz that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

PERfect! Wonderful! Bravo!

Orchid, you brought at tear to my eye . . . BEAUTIFUL . . . you have such a way with words . . . Inspiring, really . . .

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL!

It would be worth going into hospital just to say those words to 'Mrs Spanglish'.

*Bows to the guru Orchid*

Orchid, you crack me up, girl! Mrs "Spanglish!" hahahaaa

U r all just being too nice. LOL!!! Alphin glad it brought a funny moment to your day. Hope you are feeling better but boy is it tempting. I recall that in Feb 2001 about 1 1/2 months after the WS moved out and was planning a 'vacation' with OW (to Yosemite National Park - his favorite place - major trigger point now), our son had what would be later called an asthma attack. I had to rush him to emergency. Unbeknown to me what was happening, I called the WS who was 'busy getting ready for his trip'. Talk about pissed. His own son was in the emergency ward gasping for air. The condition was undiagnosed at the time. It was not a severe case but it was frightening since he had never been like this before. The hospital ER crew was great. They sent him home with his own machine to help him recover and he has been doing quite well since but I will never forget how he abandoned us. He called while I was on my way to the hospital and apoligized for not being able to come. Like what was I going t/d with that? I have not forgiven him for that espisode. Neither has he forgiven himself.

Anyways, I share it with you to let you know that whatever drama you can throw their way, do so. Don't hide family emergencies. Don't let them off the hook from their responsibilities. The WS may not want t/b a family again but that does not eleviate them from their obligations and when they don't meet it, you can vent here, let your support group know (selective ones), post to your journal, notify your IC/MC, etc. In time you w/b able to handle it but don't remove the WS from the drama. Tell him and let him scramble. In time he will regret his course. He is just to stupid and foggy to acknowledge it.

take care,
L.

I think about H's lack of responsibility before I knew about the affair, and my blood boils. One night DD5 was suffering from a high fever (she'd had a cough for months and I was terrified she had a serious chest infection). H 'couldn't make it back - too busy'. I know now that H was with OW. DD12 was in a school production a few months ago that H 'couldn't make, too busy'. Again, he was with OW.

This is the hardest - when the children become less important than the OP. Something you never quite get over I guess.

Orchid, bOb Pure said that I should read about your own story - but I wasn't able to find it going through your profile as the threads there only go back a few months. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?

Thanks,

Alph.

Oh my story is/was posted several times many many posts ago. LOL!! I will give you the shortened version later. I have to go to work right now.

We all have horror stories. Most of us can look back later and even laugh while never forgetting the pain. The point is that recovery is possible. Personal recovery comes 1st. The M recovery only comes if the WS stops being a WS. If the BS can't wait then D is necessary. If the WS stops being a WS in time, then recovery can happen but it ain't easy.

In the meantime, know that the BS and family can and will survive. My priorities had t/b reset. To this day, the Xws (now H) in my home knows he is not #1. Not even #2. He still is the top 5 though. Hm..... he acts much nicer now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.