I've just spoken to the chaplain of the school. He had no idea that H and OW were having an affair! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

He was really, really, nice. Found myself in tears (again) talking to him. He's promised to do everything he can to help.

He told me that H and OW have been looking really unhappy recently. That was quite heartening, I must say.

Still feel sick, but not quite as bad as I did.

Alph.

Alphin, exposure like this gets you allies in the war against the affair.

This is wonderful that you have the chaplain on your side now.

You will need to make sure you keep him in the loop until he is no longer useful now. Killing your WHs affair is top of your list but only one of many on his list.

Don;t worry about being upset when you talked to him.

I broke down talking to my boss ( a tiny , ferocious French lady) and she could not have been more supportive regardless.

This is a horrible time for you, but you;re strong, are gaining allies, are about to find out the contact details of OWs parents so they can know the truth and apply pressure to the affair.

Boy, life's about to get tough for them.

Understand though Alphin that when the exposure hits them, your WH will be absolutely spiteful with you - like a stung snake. And you will need to be "PLAN A" calm and protect your kids as you ride the storm. Read my toolkit bit sof 'fog' and 'exposure' to see what to expect and how to respond.

Study darl, study. knowledge will help you now.

All blessings ! Look how far you have already come this past week !!!!

{{{{alphin}}}


BTW you asked me how my kids are now after the spite of the affair.

Answer is they are doing really well. We're all coping with the imminent death of my MIL but they're doing really well.

They have a Mom and Dad who love and adore them, each other and who have just survived one of the worst happenings possible.

We're doing well. And so can you . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Time will tell with your support to see what influence they can have. It c/b limited so don't get your hopes up. That's why exposure is important. The more who know the greater the pressure.

It is good you were able to speak to the chaplain. Funny how he noticed 'they' were sad but didn't suspect anything? Hm.... gotta wonder.

How are you doing? R U able to get some rest? You can't run on adrenaline for too long.

L.

Hi Orchid,

I'm doing better than I was right at the beginning, but have hit a 'slump' this week - feeling pretty depressed which surprises me because I thought I was over the worst. Not sleeping great, but better than the 0 hours I was getting at the beginning. Not eating much either, but again, better than the beginning. I haven't been this slim since, well - ever!

Still, it's a rollercoaster like everyone says. I'm on a long, low ride at the moment but I know there will be another climb soon.

Funny how sometimes I'm in so much pain and anguish by what H has done to us that I don't feel like I love him. Then I do something positive, like talk to the chaplain, and my love for H comes flooding back. I guess a positive attitude nurtures love.

bOb, your story fills me with hope.

But I'm very sorry to hear about your MIL. It's the worst kind of waiting, waiting for death to come.

All the best at this time to you and Squid.

Alph.

I get angry when I realize that the A plays with the BS' and family's emotions as well. The line between love and hate get real thin during such times. Seems like the BS lives out the babble from the WS about 'I love you but not in love with you.' It makes life sooo confusing.

That is why doing a good plan A, creating a solid support group around you, posting here @ MB, having a good MC, reading books like surviving an A, his needs/Her needs & love must be tough are good. Then when we have to enact a plan B, our boundaries are defined, we have learned how to get a clear mind and a calm heart along with building up lots of patience so that when the WS babble and hurtful actions are thrown our way, we (the BS and family) survive.

I found that a bit of reverse babble helped humor the sick talk spewing forth from the WS' lips.

Make sure you take some time to take care of yourself. Could you do a ladies spa pkg? Go out with some friends? Do something fun or special just for you?


L.

Well Orchid, I bought some hair dye, I really have gone much grayer since this happened, my body has gone mad - it's amazing.

There's some corner inside me which has been analyzing my crazy physical condition since this all started. For example, in spite of all the pain, I would look at the fact that I couldn't eat and part of me would think: well, you haven't eaten for two weeks now, how come you're not hungry? What's the reason for that? How come you can still walk about? Why is your heart still racing even when you're lying down to sleep?

I think that little voice kept me going - it reminded me that I did still have an interest in something, a curiosity for life, even though I felt my life was over.

I don't know if this makes sense. It helped me, anyhoo.

Alph.

Alphin

"The Darkness" are wrong when they say " love is only a feeling" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love is an intelligent action and a decision.

In the dark times when Squid was posessed by demons seemingly I 'felt' no love for her. But I decided to love her.

Drive your life through deliberately loving, not by how you feel. 'feelings' of love got your WH into this sh*t.

Your decision to love despit eeverything might just get you all out of it.

BTW search on orchids 'fog babble' posts.

It is a skill I wish I'd learned better in readiness for the spite after exposure.

Its very practical , but also a bit of fun when you need it most. It allows you to poke some logic in while WHs fog opens to spout some rubbish out.

Also read Orchids story for a recovery from the edge of the abyss..... It can be done.

bOb, how do I find Orchid's story?

I tried finding it through her profile and then searching through her posts, but these only go back a few months.

Thanks.

Gees Alph,

I go to bed and you make miles worth of progress. I am so glad you are up and at them already. Good for you!

Great exposure with the chaplain. I am sure he will lay it on thick being that it is coming from him. Get ready though, if your WH finds out he will certainly be angry. Of course it won't be the last time, so just blow it off with a casual "we are married and I want to work on our marriage" kind of a thing. Don't be mean at all, just say what you are after, your marriage. There is no room for a third party in a marriage by no means.

You are doing so much better than I did, but I didn't have MB until 6 months after Dday.

Hang in there.

HINY

Thanks, HINY.

I was terrified to speak to the chaplain; now I'm terrified of the backlash from H!

Probably won't get this until after next week, but any suggestions as to what to say? When he says, for example, 'why the @%$) did you do that???'

Should I say that I want to save my marriage? Should I say that I'm trying to split up the A with OW?

As I say, I should have a week to sort this out - but just in case...

And should I put my wedding ring back on (I took it off the day H left me).

I am worried about wearing the ring as DD12 might notice and get her hopes up.

Well I am sure that Orchid or Mel have great things for you to tell him. If it was me, I would say because we are married and I want my marriage. Just plain and simple. That is what I told my H when I exposed. I asked him if he had vows with her and he said No and I said well that is why you belong here with us and not there with her.

I know about being scared too. I was very frightened for how angry he would get, but he really didn't get angry at all through the whole thing until I stopped at OW house when I found out I had an STD. He was there and we had a nice chat (the three of us) and then he got a little angry and shouted a couple of times. Other than that he just pretended he wasn't doing anything wrong. He honestly feels so stupid now for everything he did. Recovery is really hard so prepare yourself in case it happens. Forgiveness and forgetting are two totally different things. I found that in the beginning I thought I wanted to save my M and then when it was happening I was wondering what I was doing with this man that would do such a thing to me and my kids. It is such a bloody rollercoaster ride. Up and down non-stop and even now somedays. But all in all I am glad I did everything I did. Our M is much better than it ever was (can you believe that?). We do everything together and his life is an open book. I feel like a school girl again.

You have to really work hard to get what you want. So don't be frightened. Use your anger to get you through the hard times. I found when I was feeling really down, I would bring the anger up and get empowered about things. Like exercising or doing my hair or nails. Get yourself around and look your absolute best when he comes around. And always, always, always smell good. Do you know what his favorite scent is? WEAR IT! My H noticed the perfume right off!

Well anyway great job so far. I am pulling for you all the way. You have a great head on your shoulders. Did I read you have Crohn's?

HINY

I wore mine for a while, then I gave up hope, then I got mad and put it back on. I would wear it because you are still married. You don't want people to assume you are single. My DD is 12 also. They are perceptive aren't they, and observant also.

I would just tell her well daddy and I are still married and it seemed strange without it. And blow it off. If you blow it off she will too. Does your DD use the internet?

HINY

"Dear, I am sorry you are upset, but I will do what it takes to save our marriage. " Then just SMILE.

Just remember, Alphin, he can't very well complain since he claims he is doing nothing wrong. So what would be wrong with everyone knowing he has left his family and is having an affair with another teacher? What's the problem?

Maybe you should tell him you were just trying to spread the "joy!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I have Crohn's.

I think my illness caused a problem in our marriage. H doesn't respond to sickness very well (FIL fell off a ladder about eight years ago and broke his back - he's a diabetic too. Very serious injury, almost killed him. One time in the hospital MIL was giving FIL a sponge bath, and H walked into the room. He couldn't handle what he saw, and left the room).

When I first told H about my symptoms, I genuinely thought I was dying (convinced I had colonic cancer). H was very supportive then, very worried about me. Since the Crohn's was diagnosed (about a year ago now) he hasn't once asked me how I feel, how I'm coping etc. Incidentally, the affair with OW began the same time as I was having a relapse and was having to go on stronger meds.

That ring thing - let me tell you. I read a post from Ktulu about rings on one of the very worst days.It reminded me that I had taken off my ring on D-day.

I had to go do some TV for a business thing in London and my FWW found out I sent proof of PA to OM GF on the same day. She was absolutely ACID, hateful, vicious, telling me by phone she was packing and moving out and leaving the country with the kids and OM and all kinds of stuff. I had to keep calm and put my business head on for bloomberg ...

I got home she was EVIL. I checked my mail & this board and read Ktulu's post about the significance of her wedding band. I went straight to our bedroom and put on my wedding ring.

FWW noticed it the very next day in th emiddle of her worst and most terrible spite towards me and the kids.
" What the h3ll u wearing that for ? Our Marriage is down the pan !"

I replied calmly : "I don't need your permission to wear it. I promised God and you I'd wear it for better or worse. Well, this is 'worse' but my promise to God and you still stands. I want to be married to you. I want to do all I can to stay happily married to you, despite my hurt. Until the LAST MINUTE that there is hope that we can rescue our M I will wear the ring you gave me before God."

She ran upstairs and cried loudly for a long time. I took the kids bowling...

That was the peak of the hatred and fog. She mentioned since that it was very touching for her to see me wearing her ring when she felt so undeserving of it. And it also accused her.

I won't take it off again till I'm dead or divorced.

Now in recovery, Squid had tried to put on her wedding band. (a sports injury meant it hadn't fitted her for a year or more).

The story of what I did is HERE .

Do as you see fit with your wedding band. You can see that ours were very significant indeed. All blessings

bOb, that is such a LOVELY story!

You are so romantic - Squid is a very fortunate lady.

yes, I feel the same way. He always looked at my hand when he came to get DS also.

I had a similar situation as you with the bowel disorder. I have IBS though. And it has created terrible problems in my marriage. I also have had two back surgeries which hampers my ability to do a lot of recreational things with my H. But we manage.

Financially it was hard on our M also. I can't work and that is hard. I finally found a medication for my IBS that actually works and I feel so much better it is like a miracle really. But we could never travel and I always had to know where the bathrooms were. I couldn't eat certain foods and you know how it is. I really causes a lot of problems in a marriage. I also thought I was dying when I first got the symptoms. I had it so bad I was in the bathroom for hours. I missed so much work I hardly kept my job. I remember laying on the floor of the loo in pain so many mornings thinking I was on my way out. I left work constantly due to the stomach pain. I even had my sister take me to the ER once for a pain shot because it was worse than labor. What a difference this medication I am on has made in my life though.

My H did really well through all the tests and surgeries but then he had the A. During his A and his "fogtalk" he said something about me always being sick. That made/makes me feel really sad because there is nothing I can do about it other than what I did. Of course you know that having a bowel disorder can really hamper your sex life also. I know how hard it is I really do. But part of the vows are in sickness and health and he shouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it.

HINY

I am off to the gym for a while. I shall check in on you when I return. Let me know if you let your DD email my DD loves having penpals. I have a great friend that I met on MB about 13 months ago that lives in Beds(sp?) in England. I just met her in person actually as she came here to the US to visit her brother. My DD penpals with her DD 11 pretty consistently. It is amazing how much they can have in common even across the pond.

HINY