Thanks Orchid.

I look forward to reading it.

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Morning all.

Today I intend to finally go and meet OW whilst she is alone in their lovenest (WH will be out with the kids at the park - he'll know nothing about it until he gets home to her). It astonishes me that I think I will do this - two weeks ago the thought of ringing her doorbell and seeing her face made me feel quite ill. Now the more I think about it the calmer I become. I intend to tell her about my exposure plans. Perhaps not my plans for speaking to her parents (I'll let that come as a surprise) but my mom pointed out that a visit from me today will really 'spoil their little holiday' (they fly to Spain tomorrow). So that's what I intend to do. I'm going to tell her that I'm outing the pair of them to the whole school - the headteacher, the chaplain, the board of governers, the parent's association. Then they can fly to Spain and agonise about losing their jobs for the week whilst I have a GREAT half term with my kids, my parents and my in-laws!

O happy day.

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I am glad you feel strong enough to confront her but in many cases the OW is tooo wacked to even feel bad. She probably thinks it is not her fault you are hurt. In fact in her warped mind she is probably convinced you are a maniac.

Better to NOT give away any plans. All the WS and OPs do with info is turn them into ammo. Better for you to just do it all without warning. Do what you feel you need to do but do not tell them ahead of time.

Don't give them a running start. Better to let them 'wonder' what you are up to than for them to know.


JMHO,
L.

Well, it's hit the fan now...

I telephoned WH collegue in the music department. He didn't know there was an affair going on. I told him about it and that I was telling others.

About an hour later, a frantic call from WH - his collegue had called him and told him what I'd said. Here's a list of some of the things WH said:

- If you expose the A, myself and OW will both be sacked.
- you'll ruin the kids lives
- you'll ruin my life and OW's
- you'll ruin your life
- I'm going to court to get custody of the kids
- I'm leaving the country with OW and the kids will never see me again
- this is why I left you
- I'm suing you for neglect of me in court (eh?)
- How can you say you love me when you are condemning me to poverty and ruin
- we really need to talk about this
- I can't talk to you
- I told the headmaster the truth about my A
- I lied to the headmaster about my affair
- Our marriage was over long before A started, get over it
- Can't we talk?
- Please can't we talk
- you're a terrible mother
- you're a great mother
- I'm divorcing you
- our marriage is over
- how can you ruin my life like this, what have I done
- this isn't the way to make me love you

Well, it's hardly a comprehensive list but it will do for now.

Thing is, I've only really threatened to expose - if I really do expose full on, I do believe that WH and OW will both be sacked. I don't mind if OW is sacked, obviously, but I'd prefer to avoid it for WH if possible. I don't think that the school will discriminate, though.

I told WH that he was being too emotional and that I couldn't talk to him any more (too many things were being said by both of us). Throughout the conversation I had been emphasising that I loved him, that I wanted to save our marriage, that I was willing to do whatever it took for us to be a family again.

Unfortunately I ended the call with 'enjoy your holiday'. I know that was a major bitchy LB, but I just couldn't help it.

So what do I do now? I have this axe hanging over both their necks, but is blackmail really the way to get WH back?

They have until Sunday to think about it and agonise about their jobs. I've told WH that I won't expose any more until he comes home, and that talking is a possibility when he gets home.

I feel sick, and giddy, but powerful. Still in freefall - please please give me some advice!!!

Alph.

I would like to point out that I didn't go over to meet OW today after all - I think it's been quite exciting enough already.

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Guess what? The greatest threat to this affair is EXPOSURE and your H knows this. He is FRANTIC that you are busting up his good thing! That is why he wants you to stop.

If you do not expose, he can carry on his affair, Alphin. If you expose, he has to end the affair. And the greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR, Alphin, not exposure. Your marriage can survive exposure, it cannot survive the affair.

You should NOT BLACKMAIL your husband! You should calmly call up the list of targeted people and expose your H's affair. Do NOT tell anyone of your plans, JUST DO IT as soon as possible.

If you make a threat, he will simply go to those people himself and portray you as a jealous nut so they won't believe you.

Don't tell him that you will not expose, Alphin. You should not have made that promise and you should not keep it!

When he calls back screaming, tell him - calmly - that yo love him, but you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Keep telling him that over and over again. Very calmly....

Move forward, SOLDIER, and do not let his hysterics stop you!!

Alph - OK, you've told WH you won't expose any more until he comes home.

Change your mind.

You thought about it some more and you think you shouldn't wait until he comes home.

OK?

And don't give him this update.

Why? Because now he has the opportunity to get to others before you do unless you change your mind. He has the opportunity to tell others that you "have turned into a crazy person and are going around telling people that I am having an affair! Imagine that! Have you ever heard of anything so crazy?"

Alph - do not underestimate the deviousness he is capable of when his fantasy is threatened. People tend to get the most defensive and desperate when they feel the most threatened. You have rocked his world prety good - but very likely not enough and you've given him the opportunity to pre-emptively counter further exposure.

So, I recommend you continue exposure in the next expanding circle right away BECAUSE you H did not immediately come clean when the his collegue confronted him.

WAT

But how will he ever forgive me if he loses his job? He says he will be unemployable.

I did tell him that it didn't matter to me, that I would be married to him whether he had a job or not.

Alph - seems like the school already knows, huh? Did I miss something?

Yep, making choices has consequences. He was living with this skankylosaur and expected the school wouldn't find out? Another example of WS fantasy.

Even if he loses THIS job, why does this make him unemployable?

WAT

Loss of reputation?

The headmaster already knows. He told WH to keep it quiet!

So that's what has been happening the head knew that they could get sacked for this, and so he told them to keep it quiet so the school wouldn't have to worry about the scandel.

Are you serious???

How do you know he told H this? Because you H said so? HA!

Go to the head yourself - and soon.

WAT

I am due to talk to the headmaster next week - I told WH I would still be doing that.

I think the fact that the head told WH to 'keep it quiet' (WH's words - don't know if head actually said this) still puts me in quite a powerful position. If it's true, it's a pretty poor stance for a Catholic head to take.

IMVHO

Are you aware that you have spoken a very VERY V E R Y important truth here?

Being passive weakens your immune system and your Crohns will worsen. You may actually feel less ill when you feel empowered by your bravery when executing your PLAN.

Powerlessness is a sickening situation. And I mean this literally. You will become more ill if you become more passive.

Your Plan is going to help you feel better.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

PS .... I have an inflammatory bowel disease too.

{{{Pep}}}

Thanks for that - so many more people have IBD than I thought when I was first diagnosed. You feel you're the only one at first!

Alph.

You have to get to the head before your H does.

You have no idea who really knows what at this point other than people you have directly spoken to. Do not believe anything your H says.

I hope like everybody else would that what your H said that the head said is a lie. More likely than not. But it's possible it could be true and more hypocritical things have happened. This is why you have to get to the head first - on the assumption that it's a lie, but with the possibility it's true so you'll know for sure which. If it's not a lie, you'll have to go up the ladder over the head and implicate his behavior as well.

WAT

First off, he will say anything to shut you up. You are threatening his affair. And secondly, if he loses his job it will be because of HIS AFFAIR!

Don't let him bully you into silence, Alphin. MOVE FORWARD, SOLDIER!

Alphin, are you trying to tell us that this story comes from your H? I thought you had spoken to the headmaster yourself? Did you hear the HM say this with your own ears?

This is what WH has said to me about his talking to the headmaster.

When WH first left, he did talk to the head because he was concerned about his job. WH told me that the head had said 'not to worry about it; it will be alright'. This was precisely why I thought there was no point in exposing to the school, because it didn't seem to have made any difference when WH told the head about the affair.

So this afternoon when WH phoned me in desperation, I did ask him what he'd actually said to the head. WH said we had seperated and that it was mutual (!) and that he was 'with OW now'. WH then said that the head had said that he 'realised we live in modern world' and had told WH to 'keep it quiet' or 'keep it under your hat' or some such.

Melody,

I haven't spoken to the head yet - just the chaplain. I tried to speak to the head on Friday but wasn't able to due to a family bereavement. He's calling me back next week.

Well, it seems his little story effectively shut you up and prevented you from exposing him all this time, didn't it? Could that be what he wanted??

Alphin, and since the headmaster "already knows," there should be no issue with you picking up the phone and calling him, should there?

Just be sure and get to him before your H calls him, ok?