Alphin, I think it will be ok, don't worry! At the very least you have ruined their little "trip!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You are doing SO GOOD, Alphin!! I am very proud of your bravery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OK I'm done sulking now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got a busy week ahead of me - my folks are coming to visit tomorrow, IC on Tuesday (only my second session - first was only an intro so it's starts here. Wonder how she'll respond to MB?). Will also be phoning headmaster (urg), and PI for update on OW's parent's whereabouts. Thursday off to visit in laws (eek) - kids will love it though. I'll be the best DIL I can possibly be! No time at all to brood, just to be positive and productive.

Yeah! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Alph,

I was at the zoo but I checked in as soon as I got home. The girls and WAT are taking great care of you. You can't be in better hands.

You did great! Be a soldier, or as we say be strong like steel! Don't give in, keep exposing. And whatever you do don't talk back to the babbling baby, babble back to him like they said. Aliens don't speak our language anyway, and we certainly don't speak theirs.

Great job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HINY

This is scarey.

If WH does lose his job, the kids and I will lose the house. I am prepared to accept this, however. We'd have to rent a place, but we could do it.

It would be wonderful if the school would just sack OW and not WH! Fantasy scenario:

Me: Oh, headmaster - now you know the truth, is there any way that my H's job can be saved?
HM: I'm afraid not, my dear - the sin is too terrible.
Me: But my children and I will be thrown out onto the streets! Please, sir - think of the children!
HM: Hmm, well yes, that would be unfortunate and a most unChristian outcome. I think I will just sack OW and see to it that she is put in stocks for three days, pelted with rotten fruit by outraged Catholic mothers and then deported, as after all she has no family to support.
ME: Oh, THANK you, head master!

Realistic?

Didn't think so.

More stupid things that WH said to me yesterday:

- you're a good mother and I'm a good father so we don't need to be together
- I didn't leave the kids, I left you (kids are in same house as me)
- we had major problems from day one (14 years ago)
- but you said you didn't hate OW! How can you do this to her?
- there was nothing good in our marriage
- I've wanted to leave you for years
- we've never had a proper marriage
- I've been too busy to get a solicitor - do you have a solicitor?
- I'm rushing through this divorce now, this marriage is history
- If I lose my job I'll have nothing to offer the kids so I might as well leave the country (with OW)

Anything new in this lot, guys? Didn't think so.

Alph. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

also,

- if you do this (exposure) we'll have nothing left to talk about, ever
- if you do this, it's so over
- if you do this, we'll only ever have contact through lawyers
- if you do this the kids will be damaged mentally
- if you do this we'll end up living in *** (worst area in the city)
- if you do this you'll end up on the streets.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Alph -


Yep, pretty much standard fare. Straight from the WS script.

You're doing good, Alph. Very good.

When you visit your IC, keep in mind that there are a wide range of counselors and many may not be well versed in infidelity. This is to be expected. Rarely, if ever, does a professional cover all the sud-divisions of their discipline. I encourage you to share any information you've gleened here with your IC for a second, non-MB opinion. We're amateurs with only our personal experiences and anecdotal knowledge to go on. Please report back what your IC says. He/she has the benefit of interacting with you face-to-face which will afford you input that we cannot provide - even IF we were qualified to do so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Accordingly, the IC may give you insights you may choose to share here that, in turn, may assist our support to you. Win-win.

WAT

WAT,

Thanks, I'll do that. I'm quite looking foward to my IC, actually.

Sorry, but I'm going to ask about WH's job again. Could it actually be a good thing if this happened to WH and OW? OW told MIL that she left Spain so she didn't end up like her mother (SAHM). If she gets sacked from her first job in England, that's got to be a major LB for them, right?

I've heard that some WH have to feel that they've lost everything before reality sets in with the A. Looks like it's got to be that way for my WH.

I know I've got nothing to lose as far as my marriage is concerned. But it would be nice to know that some other WS had lost their jobs because of their affairs and still reconciled with their BS.

***grasping at straws, again***

Alph.

I believe positive can come out of most any negative.


I disagree - some WSs have to feel that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Remember, guys have no monopoly on this crime.

Of course, you're right. Often in life, a significant emotional shock is required to wake someone up. We humans have extrodinarily imginative minds and thus have the capability of rationalizations that defy any test of logic. This is where your H is at the moment. A huge dose of reality is frequently what's needed if a persistent rationalization is going to be tarnished enough to be discarded. Logic alone may not do it. Fear and feelings have to be included.

JMHO

WAT

Alphin, I wouldn't worry too much about the fall out from the job at this point. The greater threat to your marriage is not the job, but the affair. And exposure is probably the most effective method of hastening the end of an affair.

And let me explain why. An affair is a sleazy, underhanded thing to do. A WS must manufacture a host of rationalizations in order to justify it. He creates his own fantasy to accommodate his infatuation with the OP.

Exposure ruins all this. It is a splash of ice cold water [reality] on the fantasy that wakes them up rather quickly. They are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others when asked to explain their affair. They often see how sleazy they really are.

This is why exposure is so effective. While there are no guarantees, it is often kiss of death to affairs. And the affair is the kiss of death to marriages, so don't fear the EXPOSURE, fear the AFFAIR. The affair is the enemy of your marriage, exposure is the enemy of the AFFAIR. Understand? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WAT,

Sorry, didn't mean to infer that all affairs were the fault of men! Just got used to writing 'WH' and not 'WS'

Thats all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Melody,

Thanks for that. I know logically that the affair is the real threat to my marriage, but I can't help worrying about WH's job. Like I said, I am prepared for this, but would rather it didn't happen.

BTW, just remembered something else WH said yesterday. He said I threw him out! told him to pack his bags and get out! The reality is I couldn't have kept him in the house with reinforced steel.

Lying hound. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alphin

Just wanted to drop in to say how sorry I am that you find yourself here. These are early days and I'm sure you must feel that you're in a nightmare. Worse, the one person you depended on now appears to hate you, and to have rewritten the story of your life together. I haven't forgotten the sheer shock of those first days - the sense of unreality and 'this cannot be happening to me; I'll wake up soon...'.

One of the biggest problems for me, just after d-day, was trying to reconcile H's view of 'reality' with my own. When you're used to compromising and reaching consensus with your partner, it's hard to stop the habit. It all adds to the confusion.

But one thing you have seen from this site is that WS's WITHOUT EXCEPTION distort their world view to allow themselves to be doing what they're doing without being bad people. Think about how many ways you could make the rest of the world - especially your spouse - be at fault in order to justify your own selfish decisions. Your WH has hardly started. Remember that he is propelled to hide from a deep sense of shame - at deserting a sick wife who needs him, children who need him desperately because their mother is sick. He knows the world will see him as a selfish coward, so he is putting forward the standard 'no-one knows the truth except us' defence. I've seen it a hundred times in my years on this site.

This is going to get uglier, Alphin. Gird yourself for a long battle, and prepare yourself for the fact that your H may not have the character or guts to come back to his life with you. The brutal fact is that, if he can't deal with the pressure of his married life, nothing you can do can change that, and you would be no better off with him back at home.

Your position is stronger than you think, though. First advantage is that you are sane - your H is thinking in wild loops and will not be able to strategise clearly. Second trump is that betrayers are laughably predictable - and you have found this site where there is a wealth of experience of the behaviour of infidels. You are not alone in this. The resources here will ensure that YOU recover, whether your marriage does or not.

This IS a nightmare. Your H IS a plonker. You WILL be OK.

God Bless.

TogetherAlone

Thanks so much for that, Together.

Feeling a little sad - WH and OW are on holiday together. All I can hope for is that they're having a HORRIBLE time!

Alph.

alphin, don't you know they are SWEATING BULLETS??!! You effectively ruined their little rendevous, by inserting some nasty REALITY into the little fantasy. heheheehehehehe I am so loving this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

They can't control YOU .... and that is what your H is trying to do ... trying to control YOU.

Expose far and wide.

That's the best chance for your marriage.

And about your worry of becoming 'homeless' if your H loses his job ....

consider this ....

what your H and OW want is to experience ZERO inconvenience for their affair .... and they are willing ready and prepared to spend $$$ that your children may need to maintain their lifestyle ...

in other words

your children's lifestyle, your home, etc; are already at risk by the activities of these 2 weasels in Spain ....

The dream of any adulterous couple is so far from reality ... they dream of living happily ever after in a land free from financial hardships .... including child-related expenses !!!!

They are not to be trusted to make the children's financial welfare a higher priority than their own. The selfish flu has taken them over. Do not be fooled. They will screw you and your kids over if they feel they can get away with it.

This is the way of affairs .... selfishness run amuck

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Morning Folks.

Melody, Pep, Together, WAT - thanks for looking after me this weekend!

Today I am:

- trying to get in touch with WH's headmaster - have phoned the school, and he may be in this afternoon
- trying to get an update from PI re. OW's parent's address/phone number. Phoned PI, he has no news as yet
- going to IC. Should be interesting. WAT suggested that I tell IC about MB and get her reaction. I'm interested in all feedback, good or bad.
- have made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon. Parents are here, and are forcing me to see her because of my Crohn's, which is not responding to my usual treatment at the moment.

Will post an update later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Morning Alphin,

It is my bedtime (or past it) but I wanted to check in on you. Glad to see you have a plan of action. Good to know your parents are with you for support. Be prepared that all you expose to may not be as supportive as you'd like. Given that piece of balance, do what you must and settle for knowing you are doing the best you can.

Quite proud of you actually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Guess I owe you a story eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok..... Once upon a time..... d/d Nov 2000. started around August 2000 and I heard a vm from the OW ending in 'ilu'. We had just come back from an MC session. H's family has many issues and the MC was used for another family member who is bipolar. The MC wanted to meet with us as a couple in a precautionary way but who knew (except the WS) that an A was in full swing?!?!?! Ok, so I woke the WS out of bed and shared my stress. LOL!!! Come to find out not only was he not sorry about it, this was not his 1st. A few other ONS existed within that past year. This one though was a keeper and my worst nightmare. I had my 1st miscarriage earlier that year and well it was very hard on me. My job kept me at work at least 60 hours a week and our son was in 1st grade in a new school. Let's add that his family had weekly drama issues with his mom and 2 of his sisters so my house was on call each week. YIKES!!!

I call my elders and they meet the next morning. WS knows he is commiting adultery but says the WS is a friend...good friend....best friend.... who I have never met. I ask to speak with her but he gets angry (I didn't know about prego 1 threat at that time). Both were schemeing divorce and my elders came ASAP. WS told them he wasn't sorry for what he did so they met with him a few more times to make sure and then disfellowshipped him from our church.

I will stop here cuz I gotta go to bed but will continue later. That was just within the 1st 2 days. More to follow .

L.

Good morning Alhpin.

Another UK person here...just checking up on you while the US slumber.

You've been given some fantastic advice and you have been so strong and determined...I admire your strength!

You've taken a leap of faith with the advice from MB but once you read Surviving An Affair you'll see there really is a WS "script" and what you are doing is the best antidote to the poison that is infidelity.

It'll be 9 months NC for me tomorrow. My husband was that lighthouse that (I think) Ark talks about....in the chaos it was a relief to "come home" to him and heal our relationship.

Your WH is acting like a toddler...a big twit...he's checked out of reality where responsibility dragged him down....problem is responsibility catches up....and once you've shone light on his secret it won't be so enticing!!

Keep on keeping on Alphin...you have true grit and steely determination and a great sense of humour!

Thinking of you!